"God works in mysterious ways?" scrupulously consfused

[Kathrin]

Fot those who know me a little bit from this forum - you may remember that this past summer I went on a trip that meant a lot to me, that I had been dreaming about… and at the same time I felt kind of guilty because it made me feel less strongly about going baclk to the US where I have friends too that I kind of felt responsible for.

Really wanting to go, I went on my trip anyway (kind of thinking, “just to get it out of my system”) and it was sooo beautiful that it ended up changing my perspectives and dreams, I have started learning a new language and it gives me a big sense of purpose… kind of like it was meant to be? And maybe I’ll end up going back and spending more time, maybe God is leading me in a new direction where I might be needed too?

And then my scrupulosity sets in and I think: I don’t remember, did I say to God or just to myself that I’d go on the trip just to get it out of my system, and what ended up happening!!?? The start of a new chapter in my life???
People have told me before it is ok to change your mind. Well, ok, definitely the trip didn’t get the new dream out of my system, it made it stronger!

Of course in the end it doesn’t/shouldn’t really matter where we are, but how we are, how much we love, if we stay true to God’s commandments, etc.

Still, now I feel I am being led in a different direction and at the same time still feeling a bit guilty. Do you think God works this way that he would let me kind of make excuses for myself (“just to get it out of my system”), and then end up leading me in htat way anyway?
Or was the need to make excsues itself just my scrupulosity and I should just from the beginning have allowed myself to go on a trip that makes me happy?

And now, I have this whole new dream (all my life it seems I have had dreams like that… something that gives me a sense of purpose, that leads me somewhere, be it a place or a way of life or whatever), and I still feel kind of guilty sometimes, maybe BECAUSE it makes me so happy.

I don’t know if I am making any sense?
Any thoughts about - can I trust that God is leading me, or should I hold myself to the possibly scrupulous “just get it out of my system” thing, because otherwise I would kind of have been lying again??? but it IS ok to change your mind, somebody said before… (?)

Kathrin

 

[reen12]

Fot those who know me a little bit from this forum - you may remember that this past summer I went on a trip that meant a lot to me, that I had been dreaming about… and at the same time I felt kind of guilty because it made me feel less strongly about going baclk to the US where I have friends too that I kind of felt responsible for.

Really wanting to go, I went on my trip anyway (kind of thinking, “just to get it out of my system”) and it was sooo beautiful that it ended up changing my perspectives and dreams, I have started learning a new language and it gives me a big sense of purpose… kind of like it was meant to be? And maybe I’ll end up going back and spending more time, maybe God is leading me in a new direction where I might be needed too?

And then my scrupulosity sets in and I think: I don’t remember, did I say to God or just to myself that I’d go on the trip just to get it out of my system, and what ended up happening!!?? The start of a new chapter in my life???
People have told me before it is ok to change your mind. Well, ok, definitely the trip didn’t get the new dream out of my system, it made it stronger!

Of course in the end it doesn’t/shouldn’t really matter where we are, but how we are, how much we love, if we stay true to God’s commandments, etc.

Still, now I feel I am being led in a different direction and at the same time still feeling a bit guilty. Do you think God works this way that he would let me kind of make excuses for myself (“just to get it out of my system”), and then end up leading me in htat way anyway?
Or was the need to make excsues itself just my scrupulosity and I should just from the beginning have allowed myself to go on a trip that makes me happy?

And now, I have this whole new dream (all my life it seems I have had dreams like that… something that gives me a sense of purpose, that leads me somewhere, be it a place or a way of life or whatever), and I still feel kind of guilty sometimes, maybe BECAUSE it makes me so happy.

I don’t know if I am making any sense?
Any thoughts about - can I trust that God is leading me, or should I hold myself to the possibly scrupulous “just get it out of my system” thing, because otherwise I would kind of have been lying again??? but it IS ok to change your mind, somebody said before… (?)

Kathrin

I found that what you wrote made perfect sense, Kathrin.
Have endured scrupulosity for 50 years, and have at least
some idea of what you are saying.
I experience scrupulosity as having court always in session,
feeling that whatever I do is 'wrong, selfish, sinful"… whatever.

Yet this has little to do with the freedom of the sons and
daugthers of God, I find.
From what you have written, you simply changed your mind.
Adjusted a goal.

The suffering that might be offered up, here, is any discomfort that may
be felt, *vis a vis *changing plans or direction. God, a loving Father,
knows all about scrupulosity, and He thinks we’re very brave.
Wherever you go, and whatever you choose to do, in a given
period of your life, He will walk hand in hand with you,
because He knows that you very much take into account His will,
from what you have written.

As far as scrupulosity goes, it makes me feel like Tiny Tim,
being carried on his father’s shoulder. I am, in my psychological
limitations, a Tiny Tim, and God carries me on His shoulder,
for He is proud of me for continuing forward, bravely, despite the limitations
in my life that He has permitted.

Scrupulosity is very difficult. It brings deep suffering, I’ve found.
But most of all, I think that scrupulosity is also a great opportunity presented.
It takes - I have found - radical trust in God, to negotiate life with scrupules all about.
To take His hand and to walk with Him, through the thickets of scrupulosity.

It is a matter of radical trust in Him.

The spiritually self-satisfied may never know the pain and fear
and anxiety that may accompany scrupulosity. Yet, too,
they may never have cause for radical trust in God.

Those, sitting on the side of the road - stunned and all worn out -
by the rigors of scrupulosity - these may fear that they can no longer
‘run the race’ that Paul speaks of. But that’s OK. God loves us,
and He will come and pick us up and set us on His shoulder,
as He Himself carries us across the finish line, one day,
telling us, as we go, that He is very proud of His little Tiny Tim
for being so brave. http://bestsmileys.com/waving/5.gif



reen12

 

[Kathrin]

Reen, (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))), thank you, especially for writing that my post makes perfect sense to you. It is so good to feel understood.
And:
Tiny Tim… and Big Scrupulosity… but even B I G G E R God.

And yes, yes, those moments of trusting God, when I suddenly almost have tears in my eyes, praying, feel God’s love (imagining Him hugging me, comforting me)… so beautiful.

Kathrin

 

[reen12]

Tiny Tim… and Big Scrupulosity… but even B I G G E R God.

Exactly! You said it more clearly than I did.

Do you know what my task in life has been, for decades?
Affirming others in their sense of reality. [My own sense of
reality is occassionally quite tenuous in nature.]

I think that that may be why God allowed me to be a looney,
and so ill. Some of us’n loonies - like me - see things
that actually are there. http://bestsmileys.com/nono/9.gif

While the rest of the world may go “Huh?” - the Tiny Tims of this
world may well understand, saying: ‘Sure.I know exactly
what you mean.’ And they do!

It cheers one, bringing brightness and warmth into the chilly realm of scrupulosity.
I am always most grateful when somebody understands what I am saying.
This makes me feel more grounded.

I once wrote: “Does God use even a shattered vessel to
carry the waters of Siloe?” which is a more elegant expression
than looney, but it means just the same.

(Please Note: This uploaded content is no longer available.)

You’re sure not alone in the experience of scrupulosity, Kathrin.
We need to lift one another up, sometimes, when we’re feeling
the gale force winds of scrupulosity. :console:

Kindest regards,

reen

 

[Kathrin]

I just had a very bad experience again today. How is it that I try to manipulate myself if I get joy out of something? Like I haven’t deserved it?

Listen to this: I had to pay for something in a store, and couldn’t find a 50 SFr (Swiss Francs) bill I had just earned playing the guitar at a rehab center. I thought, maybe I left it in the envelope anyway, looked in my backpack - and had this thought suddenly, like I had to say something like “if the bill is there I won’t dream my dream anymore”. I immediately said aloud: “No, no!” but when I found the bill there, I was so scared that now I had to give up my dream. Not sure anymore, had I promised something now or not??

I know I have that OCD thing but I still wasn’t sure, did I promise something? Was it just a quick thought? In such an instance, do I ahve to give up dreaming my dream now and change my life, just IN CASE I have promised something???
I hadn’t been so afraid in a long time.

I ended up giving the 50 SFr away. Donated them to an organisation that helps disadvanteged people at the train station where I was. Talked to the woman who works there about the whole thing too and she suggested I get help with this whole thing.

WHY do I even do this?
Why do I have thoughts I don’t want to have? Or did I want to have it, because at the moment finding the money was more important to me?
But I immediately said “no” to myself, and that was before I found the money, so I think I don’t have to give up what makes me happy?

Do I feel so guilty about having found something that makes me happy and gives me a bit of a sense of fulfillment? WHY???

I am still shaken.
Does it mean my dream is too important to me? But it IS important we have dreams in our lives, isn’t it?? Finally I have a dream again, something new that excites me, why do I feel guilty about it?

Kathrin

 

[fbl9]

hi kathrin: somebody is laughing at you and he is not in heaven he’s the same one who has been playing games with me…
it doesn’t matter where i am if i see a woman,old habit is to check her out,no i say to self you don’t need to,so i place myself where i can’t see this person,all good so far,then if i do accidently catch a glimpse, you looked what are you doing.some christian you are…thoughts come in my mind…the enemy will keep this up til i feel i am worthless before God…
what i am getting at is you are under attack and should try to recognize whom is attacking you,before you write off what it is you are dreaming of…like it sounds to me as if this dream of yours could be of God’s will…and some one else doesn’t like it at all.may Christ’s peace be yours