Godparent dilemma -snub

[RachelGre]

I have a dilemma and I’ve been praying on it and I don’t know what to do. My husband and i have been married almost a decade in the church. We attend mass twice a week, our children attend Catholic school and we’re involved in our church. We take our sacrament of marriage very serious and try to lead a life destined by the Holy Spirit. Our friend asked my husband to be the Godfather to his daughter whom we hardly know. She’s almost 5 and they are baptizing ASAP as they feel they’ve waited too long. It’s wonderful. But here’s my awkwardness, my husband accepted immediately without discussion with me and feels obligated to accept our friend’s proposal. I feel snubbed, not because I want to be Godmother, we’ve only met the little girl about 4 times and I would’ve politely declined. But because this decision was made completely without acknowlegement of me. Our friend never considered me in this equation and how this new relationship involves me. He never brought me up once when he asked my husband. Plus, the baptism is taking place at our parish with our friends who attend. I feel like I’m wrong for feeling hurt that my involvement in this little girl’s life was never considered. I’ve always felt a godparent is a big deal that shouldn’t be accepted lightly (we have to have a big undertaking in her life now). Is it wrong to feel uncomfortable and have no desire to attend the baptism? I want to be supportive, but I’d honestly feel much better if our friend knew I felt pushed aside that he never gave me a second thought or mentioned me once when he asked my husband. Am I wrong for feeling tossed aside?

 

[Don_Ruggero]

we’ve only met the little girl about 4 times and I would’ve politely declined

Is it possible that this friend perceived that you would not wish to do this…by some comment you have said or by your actions?

You do not mention the wife of this friend or the mother of the child. Since only one sponsor is needed for baptism, is it possible that this friend, whom I assume is a man, simply felt comfortable in asking your husband i he would be willing to do this?

As a priest, I have encountered people over the years who struggle to find someone to take on this role and it leaves them with their own sense of awkwardness. There have been times when I have had to ask a parishioner to take on the role because they had no one to ask at all.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

I have a dilemma and I’ve been praying on it and I don’t know what to do. My husband and i have been married almost a decade in the church. We attend mass twice a week, our children attend Catholic school and we’re involved in our church. We take our sacrament of marriage very serious and try to lead a life destined by the Holy Spirit. Our friend asked my husband to be the Godfather to his daughter whom we hardly know. She’s almost 5 and they are baptizing ASAP as they feel they’ve waited too long. It’s wonderful. But here’s my awkwardness, my husband accepted immediately without discussion with me and feels obligated to accept our friend’s proposal. I feel snubbed, not because I want to be Godmother, we’ve only met the little girl about 4 times and I would’ve politely declined. But because this decision was made completely without acknowlegement of me. Our friend never considered me in this equation and how this new relationship involves me. He never brought me up once when he asked my husband. Plus, the baptism is taking place at our parish with our friends who attend. I feel like I’m wrong for feeling hurt that my involvement in this little girl’s life was never considered. I’ve always felt a godparent is a big deal that shouldn’t be accepted lightly (we have to have a big undertaking in her life now). Is it wrong to feel uncomfortable and have no desire to attend the baptism? I want to be supportive, but I’d honestly feel much better if our friend knew I felt pushed aside that he never gave me a second thought or mentioned me once when he asked my husband. Am I wrong for feeling tossed aside?

I’m going to speak as a parent. You need to get over your personal feelings and support your husband

For one of my children’s godparents, we chose my single friend and my husband’s single sister.

For another we did my husband’s single friend and my friend–a mother of many, married for 20+ years who I’ve known for over a decade. She and I are good friends–during my single years I spent tons of time at her house with her little ones. Her husband…errrmmm…he …she loves him and he’s a good man. But he works a lot so I don’t know him well. We’ve moved and he’s never even met my children because of his work. He wasn’t even on my radar.

Besides, my husband wanted his friend to be Godfather. We really like the idea of “splitting” sides for Godparents. Both sides of the family or friend-family appreciate it.

Having Godparents married is nice, but it’s not always feasible.

 

[RachelGre]

Thank you, Father. I would hope our friend never felt I didn’t want to be a part of it. We’ve been friends for decades and I’ve never ever said or done anything remotely off-putting. Perhaps that’s part of the reason for me feeling weird. We’ve gotten along quite well with this couple but as many do, we haven’t seen much of them as we used to getting busy with life. My husband apologized for not discussing with me before accepting to be godparent. Since we’ve been married, we’ve become godparents together, so it was out of the ordinary for him to accept before even telling me he was asked. What can I do to not feel this way? Feeling hurt by our friend. Maybe part of me is hurt I wasn’t asked.

 

[Augustinian]

There is no requirement that the Godmother has to be related to or married to the Godfather.

My Godfather was my dad’s brother in law, my Godmother was my mum’s unmarried sister.

There is no reason why you need to do it, if you don’t want to.

 

[Katie777]

You can offer to be a sponser in spirit and prayer. How blessed this little one will be, and what an honor for you as well.

 

[Lou2U]

So has only your husband been asked to be godparent, or have both of you? If both of you, I can understand why you are annoyed you weren’t asked. If just your husband, I don’t see that he needed to ask. That being said, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t go to the baptism.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

Thank you, Father. I would hope our friend never felt I didn’t want to be a part of it. We’ve been friends for decades and I’ve never ever said or done anything remotely off-putting. Perhaps that’s part of the reason for me feeling weird. We’ve gotten along quite well with this couple but as many do, we haven’t seen much of them as we used to getting busy with life. My husband apologized for not discussing with me before accepting to be godparent. Since we’ve been married, we’ve become godparents together, so it was out of the ordinary for him to accept before even telling me he was asked. What can I do to not feel this way? Feeling hurt by our friend. Maybe part of me is hurt I wasn’t asked.

That’s all well and good, but remember, sometimes families present awkward situations. My husband’s sister is the only one of our families who practice Catholicism. She was our 1st choice, period. If we had no one else, she’d be it. It just so happened we also knew a single male who could be Godfather…but had any of my brothers been legitmate candidates they would of been selected, despite the fact that they were married. I love my brother’s wives, but they are not more important to me than my husband’s sister is to him.

 

[Don_Ruggero]

Thank you, Father. I would hope our friend never felt I didn’t want to be a part of it. We’ve been friends for decades and I’ve never ever said or done anything remotely off-putting. Perhaps that’s part of the reason for me feeling weird. We’ve gotten along quite well with this couple but as many do, we haven’t seen much of them as we used to getting busy with life. My husband apologized for not discussing with me before accepting to be godparent. Since we’ve been married, we’ve become godparents together, so it was out of the ordinary for him to accept before even telling me he was asked. What can I do to not feel this way? Feeling hurt by our friend. Maybe part of me is hurt I wasn’t asked

I’m sorry…this isn’t a critique of you personally but this is why I find these sorts of questions here really imponderable. I don’t know you and I don’t know your husband. I don’t know this friend or the dynamic the friend shares with you as a couple, with you as an individual, or with your husband. I’ve no idea if the history of their friendship predates you and your husband being married. You say you have been friends for decades but have seen this 5 year old child “about 4 times.”

I’ve no idea if this friend has other children or this is his first – and therefore his first baptism. I’ve no idea what those instructing him ahead of the baptism may have told him about sponsor for baptism

There is too little information to offer you any meaningful insight

One thing I can say is, in all my years as a priest, when I’ve asked someone to sponsor a person due to some circumstance, never once did someone say to me: “I have to ask my wife” or “I have to ask my husband.” They simply answered according to their own ability

I can understand, sincerely, that you find this a bit awkward. But I can’t really profess to understanding that you are hurt by not have been asked to do something that you would have “politely declined”. You wanted the opportunity to say “no”? But would not that be many times more awkward – presuming, of course, that you obviously would not have attempted to influence or veto somehow your husband from a decision that is as much his decision as yours is your own decision. As it is, you, he, and this friend or friends were spared that awkwardness

I vividly remember a thread on this forum, perhaps in my first weeks I was here, where a husband was trying to convince his wife not to be the godmother of a seriously ill baby, all because the parents were in some irregular situation. That was immaterial and I counseled her to do it – and she did. She subsequently wrote that the child died some days later – and that she would be forever grateful that she was his/her godmother. It’s one of the starkest memories I have of interactions on this forum

I’ve no problem understanding making a decision for oneself. In that case, the man did not want to have any involvement with the couple – to whom his wife had some closeness. That’s his choice. I cannot understand attempting to make or influence a decision for someone else who is an adult and has the use of their own mind

 

[LoyalViews]

I agree that you ought to put your feelings aside. Nothing good ever comes when one reacts according to feelings.

Recognise that this might be the had of Divine Providence here - that girl might need you. Perhaps this is God’s will.

 

[casslean]

I’m sorry, but I think you need to stop making this about you. Be happy for your husband that he has this opportunity, to play a role in this little girl’s life, and for this little girl, who will undoubtedly be gaining an excellent godfather.

By the way, you are married. Not attached at the hip. You don’t need to do everything as a couple, or seek permission not to, and you should probably let go of the notion that you do.

 

[Don_Ruggero]

Our friend never considered me in this equation and how this new relationship involves me. He never brought me up once when he asked my husband. Plus, the baptism is taking place at our parish with our friends who attend. I feel like I’m wrong for feeling hurt that my involvement in this little girl’s life was never considered. I’ve always felt a godparent is a big deal that shouldn’t be accepted lightly (we have to have a big undertaking in her life now). Is it wrong to feel uncomfortable and have no desire to attend the baptism? I want to be supportive, but I’d honestly feel much better if our friend knew I felt pushed aside that he never gave me a second thought or mentioned me once when he asked my husband.

I feel a need to return to address these points that the character limit precluded in my earlier response.

Have you considered that this child’s parents might not have the same vision of being a baptismal sponsor that you seem to.

Part of the reason your husband was chosen may simply have been that they needed at least one sponsor who is a practicing Catholic; if married, was validly married in the Church; and, given that you say you have both been godparents in the past, either of you have fulfilled the necessary classes and qualifications.

Surely this friend knows as well as you that you and your husband have only seen this child 4 times in 5 years. He may not be seeking a godparent who would see this as a “big undertaking” at all. Perhaps whatever your husband’s approach will be is precisely what this friend wanted.

 

[MaryTeri]

If godparents had to be married I could never be one. When my good friends asked me, they did ask another friend who wa married. I really don’t get how this is a dilemna You can pray the the child without the official title. There may be a woman close to the family who they asked. This is about the child not the adults’ feelings