Godparent selection issues

[struggling4him]

I’ll keep this short - my wife and I were blessed with a beautiful baby. Her family is religious, mine is not. I think this has generated some insecurities with my family in the past - because I have been the religious one of the bunch, i dont know, they think i may like my wife’s family better or something. I hope I did nothing to ever give them that idea. I love my parents and siblings very very much - they’re the kindest and most loving people I know.

Anyway, it was time to start planning baptism and we chose my wife’s siblings to be godmother and godfather. One of my sisters felt slighted - as if I am saying she is not good enough. I tried telling her - this is not a judgement of her as a person, and I don’t want her to feel like she’s a 2nd class aunt or anything - i want her to have a very close relationship with my child, and in some ways, she may share things with my child that he won’t share with his godparents, but in this one area (religion), his maternal aunt and uncle are closer to my wife and i, and if God forbid anything happened to us, we would want them to see to his spiritual upbringing.

she still seems very hurt and still feels as though i am saying she is just not good enough.

have you been in this position before? is there a better way of explaining it? can you please pray for my sister that she’ll be able to accept this?

 

[1ke]

she still seems very hurt and still feels as though i am saying she is just not good enough.

When our conscience is pricked we often act out. So, yes, she knows she is not living a Catholic life and is guilty, and trying to project that on you to make herself feel better.

IOW, her problem, not yours.

have you been in this position before? is there a better way of explaining it? can you please pray for my sister that she’ll be able to accept this?

Perhaps you can make her understand that the Church has requirements for baptismal sponsors and she does not meet them. They are enumerated in Canon Law. Calling the person the baptismal sponsor may help too, instead of “godparent,” which is what the Church call them. To be a sponsor, one must be a Catholic in full communion and practicing the faith. It’s pretty basic.

It’s not a party favor that you are handing out, it is a role specifically defined within the Church. She isn’t practicing the faith. Her choice. So why is she upset that she does not meet the requirements, if it is her choice to not practice?

 

[getysbg]

It can be difficult to make people understand that you do not look at “godparenting” as a social reward. That is the tough part. Keep trying to explain to her that your decision was based on what was the best for your child’s soul (and not for family ego) . It’s almost a lose-lose proposition but you made the correct decision.

 

[1Reader1]

You and your wife are handling this so well. You are positive and encouraging to your sister and your family. To me the term “Godparent” makes the reason for choosing the people you did easier to understand. The people chosen will lead your child in their faith of God. My suggestion is to include your family in many of your family activities that will encourage her relationship with your child.
Best wishes.

 

[Book_Worm]

This is such a sensitive issue. People who are not strong in their religious faith often look at being chosen as a godparent as an indication of affection and respect without fully understanding the serious obligation it entails, along with the qualifications needed.

DD had this problem when her first son was born. Her mother-in-law kept pressuring them to have her other son as godfather. This man has left the Catholic Church, joined a fundamentalist church, calls the Pope “the devil” and takes every opportunity to argue against the teachings of the Church whether they’re germane to the conversation at hand or not. To keep peace in the family, she compromised by asking her husband’s uncle instead. She regrets this decision because, while the uncle is a Catholic, they are not particularly close and she doubts that he would really make any effort to influence her son.

When their second son was born, she decided that she would not compromise in any way. Her MIL again suggested that they choose her other son since “it’s just a formality and nobody thinks of it as more than that.” DD told her that her parish insisted on the full, formal letter from the godparent’s parish, saying that the person was a practicing member of the church and that no impediments existed to serving as godparent. She also said that, should the BIL be somehow able to obtain such a letter (her MIL is very active in her church and the possibility exists that she could finagle her way to get one), DD would never ask him to stand up before all their friends and family members and lie by professing his belief in a church which he has left.

Blame your decision on the requirements of your parish and find some other ways to prove to your sister that she is deeply loved and important to your family.

 

[Dorothy]

It is a requirement for a godparent to be a practicing Catholic. You have already assured her of your affection for her. The ball is in her court to not make a big deal out of this.

 

[Cathmomof6]

I completely understand your struggle!!! Is this your first child? We are currently expecting our seventh in March. Traditionally, in this area, one godparent is from wife’s side and other is from husband’s side. Both me and my husband are cradle Catholics and come from Carholic families. However, my husband’s parents and siblings(4), generally only attend Mass when convenient. Despite this we have asked all of them to sponsor at least one of our first 4 children! For our fifth, we chose my mom(who is a very strong Catholic) and our neighbor, who is very close to our family. My husband’s youngest sister(who is unmarried with no children) was so upset that we did not chose someone from their side(I think specifically her mom), that she left abruptly after mass and would not attend our baby’s celebration. She basically gave us the silent treatment for several months. I still struggle with forgiving her for this!

So when our sixth baby was born we chose my brother’s wife and my husband’s sister’s husband (who does not go to church), to avoid conflict. We know only a handful of people who take their faith seriously and we can’t expect the same people to sponsor all of our children. My husband thinks godparents are just for bday and Xmas gifts and doesn’t think it matters if they go to church or not. And i would have to agree that this is probably true for a good majority. I think he feels that excluding his family from sponsoring our children is basically saying my family is better than his.

Now our seventh baby is due in March and we have to do this again! It really stresses me out!! On the one hand, I want to chose a strong Catholic who will be a good spiritual leader for our baby! But, on the other hand, I need to keep the peace between my husband and his family!!! Arghhhhhhhhhh