God's goodness

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Monica4316

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I just wanted to share something… for the past couple weeks, I’ve been having a really difficult time trusting in God’s mercy and forgiveness. I believed in it intellectually, but not in my heart. I went to Confession multiple times, went to Mass, prayed, etc, but nothing would help. When I received Jesus in the Eucharist, I felt afraid of Him and turned away from Him, even when He was offering me His love. I know that distrust really hurts Him so that made it more difficult, but I didn’t know how to escape the situation.

Yesterday, I went to a Catholic conference, and my intention was to really try and open up to God. However, for the first part of the day I couldn’t do this, despite the fact that the first speaker spoke about trust in God, and the priest I got for Confession was very encouraging and kind. I felt like God was offering me graces, but I couldn’t accept them. At 3 pm, we began praying the Divine Mercy chaplet and there was Eucharistic Adoration and a procession. As we sang the chaplet, I was really moved by the reality that Jesus is really physically present in the room, and began asking Him for His mercy - through the prayer. And all of a sudden, I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit in me very strongly, and I felt like Jesus was looking at me from the Host with so much love and mercy, and He was not angry at all, but wanted me to just accept His love. He said, “I care for you”. I expected Him to be harsh, but He was so gentle and incredibly kind. Then someone read a passage from Scripture where it says that God will remember our sins no more, and said that whenever we confess our sins, God forgives and forgets them. I began to accept this in my heart, and Jesus showed me so much love that I didn’t even think this was possible, for anyone to love as He does. He showed me that His love is infinite, that we should never doubt His mercy. It was completely overwhelming, - all this was spiritual and happening in my soul, but affected my emotions too and even affected me physically. I dont like crying in public but I cried through the whole thing. Afterwards, I felt so healed, and like I was finally able to love God again… and the more I focused on my real task: loving and trusting Him, the less I got tempted with horrible thoughts and despair.

I couldn’t decide if I should share this with anyone, because it’s such a personal thing, but I know sometimes people have trouble trusting God or believing that He really loves them, and if that’s you and you’re reading this post, - I really encourage you to reach out to Him and try to believe. He meets us where we are, and this experience wasn’t something I deserved at all, but God gave it simply according to His mercy and goodness. He is only goodness…there is nothing evil in Him. We can’t do anything that will make Jesus stop loving us. I’m a sinner and don’t deserve His love, and that’s what I’ve been telling myself for the past two weeks, - but I didn’t realize that I need to look at Him, and not at myself.

Although this experience was so real and powerful, a part of me is always afraid of being deceived by the enemy. I guess that’s something to just bring up during spiritual direction. 🙂 But we know the Church teaches that Jesus is merciful and will always forgive our sins, and that is the infallible teaching that we should trust.

God bless
 
**Conversation of the Merciful God with a Despairing Soul **
(from St Faustina’s Diary)

Jesus: O soul steeped in darkness, do not despair. All is not yet lost. Come and confide in your God, who is love and mercy.

But the soul, deaf even to this appeal, wraps itself in darkness.

Jesus calls out again: My child, listen to the voice of your merciful Father.

In the soul arises this reply, “For me there is no mercy,” and it falls into greater darkness, a despair which is a foretaste of hell and makes it unable to draw near to God.

Jesus calls to the souls a third time, but the soul remains deaf and blind, hardened and despairing. Then the mercy of God begins to exert itself, and, without any co-operation from the soul, God grants it final grace. If this too is spurned, God will leave the soul in this self chosen disposition for eternity. This grace emerges from the merciful Heart of Jesus and gives the soul a special light by means of which the soul begins to understand God’s effort; but conversion depends on its own will. The soul knows that this, for her, is final grace and, should it show even a flicker of good will, the mercy of God will accomplish the rest.

My omnipotent mercy is active here. Happy the soul that takes advantage of this grace.

Jesus: What joy fills My Heart when you return to Me. Because you are weak, I take you in My arms and carry you to the home of My Father.

Soul: (as if awakening, asks fearfully): Is it possible that there is yet mercy for me?

Jesus: There is, My child. You have a special claim on My mercy. Let it act in your poor soul; let the rays of grace enter your soul; they bring with them light, warmth, and life.

Soul: But fear fills me at the thought of my sins, and this terrible fear moves me to doubt Your goodness.

Jesus: My child, all your sins have not wounded My Heart as painfully as your present lack of trust does - that after so many efforts of My love and mercy, you should still doubt My goodness.

Soul: O Lord, save me yourself, for I perish. Be my Savior. O Lord, I am unable to say anything more; my pitiful heart is torn asunder; but You, O Lord…

Jesus does not let the soul finish but, raising it from the ground, from the depths of its misery, he leads it into the recesses of His Heart where all its sins disappear instantly, consumed by the flames of love.

Jesus: Here, soul, are all the treasures of My Heart. Take everything you need from it.

Soul: O Lord, I am inundated with Your grace. I sense that a new life has entered into me and, above all, I feel Your love in my heart. That is enough for me. O Lord, I will glorify the omnipotence of Your mercy for all eternity. Encouraged by Your goodness, I will confide to You all the sorrows of my heart.

Jesus: Tell Me all, My child, hide nothing from Me because My loving Heart, the Heart of Your Best Friend is listening to you.

Soul: O Lord, now I see all my ingratitude and Your goodness. You were pursuing me with Your grace, while I was frustrating Your benevolence. I see that I deserve the depths of hell for spurning Your graces.

Jesus (interrupting): Do not be absorbed in your misery - you are still too weak to speak of it - but, rather, gaze on My Heart filled with goodness, and be imbued with My sentiments. Strive for meekness and humility; be merciful to others, as I am to you; and, when you feel your strength failing, if you come to the fountain of mercy to fortify your soul, you will not grow weary on your journey.

Soul: Now I understand Your mercy, which protects me and like a brilliant star, leads me into the home of my Father, protecting me from all the horrors of hell that I have deserved, not once, but a thousand times. O Lord, eternity will hardly suffice for me to give due praise to Your unfathomable mercy and Your compassion for me.
 
Thank you for sharing! I know what you mean about not exactly wanting to share because it’s so personal, but I know these stories do help people. I’m so glad that He gave you that.
 
Monica,

How beautiful and how wonderful that you decided to share with your brothers and sisters. I know exactly what you are saying about “being deceived by the enemy”. He is relentless, but then again, I know who wins in the end! 😃
 
Thank you for sharing this experience. I went to Eucharistic Adoration today and was caught by surprise when I started crying. We had prayed the rosary together meditating on the sorrowful mysteries. I have been asking God for guidance in what to say to my husband about my faith. He does not hinder me in any way, but he doesn’t understand it either. His questions often feel like a trap. He has a sharp intellect, but he lacks trust in God and he carries a burden of anger and resentment. He doesn’t understand how I can believe God is our loving creator when there is so much suffering. Today as I meditated on Jesus suffering and dying for our sins it came to me that I needed to ask Jesus to forgive our unbelief because sin is a shared condition. I didn’t realize the sadness I had locked inside of me, but it was a blessing to have that released. I didn’t go to adoration for myself, but rather to fulfill a prayer commitment I had made. Truly, it is in giving that we receive! If only more people would choose to experience Christ’s risen presence in such a special way.
 
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