God's will-Confused and scared

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fourwindsgirl

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I’m confused and scared that I made a mistake. I moved 1,000 miles from my family and home about ten years ago to pursue music. I had a great time, met many people, experienced many things, and had the time of my life. I believed in God, but didn’t really “follow” Him back then. I made many mistakes but never cared. Then about three years ago, I had a life changing experience at a new church. All of my past mistakes (lies, etc) caught up with me and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I contemplated death. That night, I surrendered and gave my life to Christ. It was like I could feel Him peeling layers off my heart and I felt new, clean and alive like never before. Then, my life changed again. Big time. Two friends died. I was in two car accidents. There was a fire. I lost my job in music. While I wasn’t feeling connected to music anymore anyway, I still am confused. Was this God’s way of preparing me for something new and better now that I have Him control? Or was this the devil trying to get at me?
I stayed living there for a while, even though I wanted to move home. I had a couple jobs that were awful, where people treated me terribly. I applied everywhere but nothing happened. I didn’t want to do music anymore, but then again I didn’t want to let go of it, either. I felt God pushing me to work with kids, but I didn’t know where to go. Stay or move home? I had wanted to move home for nine years but was too afraid to make that leap, because my parents wanted me to stick it out.
Finally, six months ago I had to finally make the decision. I prayed harder than ever before. Had panic attacks and I realized I had to forgive myself. That’s when I decided to move home.
Now that I’m home, I love it. However, I’m plagued with self-doubt, second guessing and confusion. I miss TN (obviously) but I’m worried…what if I moved because I wanted it? Does God really make is this confused about things? Or is it normal to feel like this after huge life changes? Somedays I’m perfectly fine and others I’m just the opposite. Is the devil trying to get me? I just got a great new job (working with kids that have cancer), but I’m STILL doubting myself. I can’t bear the thought of disappointing God any more than I already have. Plus, even though my parents would never say this to me, I know they are slightly disappointed in me for moving home. I know I’m an adult but it still hurts.
I’m having a hard time discerning God’s peace with the deception of the devil. Advice?
Sorry this was so long!
 
I can relate to many things in your post. I feel like I’m living my life wondering if I’m doing the right thing. Should I have stayed at home 12 years ago? Should I have stayed at where I was 2 years ago and not moved to Malaysia? Should I have gone into a different profession? The list goes on.

I have figured that even if I have made mistakes that things can still turn out OK as long as I am open to God’s will and listen to His voice now. And this is what you are doing. From what you describe, returning home was not a mistake. You felt the need to do it for a long time. You prayed about it. Things have turned out well: you are happy and have a great job. So far so good, right? I think it is perfectly normal to feel uncertain at times. You will have bad days and feel negative about your decisions. Don’t hold on to that, let these feelings pass.

Also, I’m not convinced that by making one choice in terms of where we live and what we do for living means doing God’s will. You chose music but then things changed and then you chose something else. You moved to a new place and after a while decided to move again. Perhaps all of these options fit under God’s will for you, because the important thing is that you are faithful. The rest are details. Does this make sense?

Hope this helps. God bless.
 
Seeking God’s will is always the way to peace. Once we’ve determined that we know God’s will for us and actually take steps to DO IT, then we will know peace as He gives it and only in the way He gives it. There is no other way.

It sounds like you may have more than one thing going on in your life at this point that is confusing you. But if you pray about and honestly seek His guidance and direction and ask Him for it, it will come. Those who seek find, those who knock have the door opened to them, those who ask receive. ASK. The only thing you have to loose by doing so is your lack of peace and confusion.

Glenda
 
Our own self-doubts and tye devil can float ideas by to see what we grab on to.

Did you commit a sin in moving back home? No. And you felt an urge to work with children and you followed that, and that’s a good thing.

Your parents may have had some ideas about your future, but it’s not their life but yours. You are the one who has to work things out in fear and trembling, and your parents have to deal with their own problems (like having expectations of someone else’s life!).

When I start having these bouts of self-doubt, I treat them like temptations. I let them slide away and if that doesn’t work, I pray for help!
 
Thanks for the replies. They all helped a lot and I’m thankful. I’m thinking I might have scrupolosity. I am constantly doubting myself about moving home and having irrational fears that if I made a mistake, I will be miserable forever. I also worry WAY too much that my parents will never be proud of me again. I’m an adult for crying out loud! The only one I should worry about pleasing is God. I need to learn how to let go of worrying about them and stop doubting. I guess I’m struggling with trying to figure out when the doubt, fear and confusion is from the devil and when God is trying to tell me something. Does God use fear, confusion and doubt to get to us?
Please pray for me as I get more information on scrupolosity. So far, it sounds exactly like what I’m going through. (I’m always needing others reassurance and encouragement, fear, doubt, making mistakes, fear of sinning, etc.)
Thanks again, I really appreciate it.
 
Big changes such as moving and getting a new job can be extremely stressful, even when it is all going well. Perhaps it is too early to tell, and you are still adjusting to the new environment.

Fear, confusion and doubt can be good things when they warn us of danger. The question is if you have always had trouble with anxiety in some way, or if this move has caused it for the first time. I wonder if there is more to your fears given how much weight your parents’ approval has in you feeling positive about your decision. Do you think this is something worth looking into?
 
Yes, I do think it is worth looking into. I fear letting them down and making them unhappy. They were happy when I lived away from home because they had a place to escape to. Now I fear I took that away when I moved home. I don’t know why I can’t get over that and move on
 
Wow, I really feel for you and can relate so much to this post.
What I can tell you is you will always have doubts, either way. If you had decided to stay and not return home, in the back of your mind would you not have been wondering if you should have just returned home? Especially after 9 years of debate, I believe you did the right thing but only the future will reveal that for sure. But I think you should try to find some solace in your decision. Yes you moved back home and I understand you are seeking your parents approval even as an adult (all children do to an extent) but after giving it a try again at home, you can always move elsewhere if you decide to do so, so try not to worry about that.

I don’t think you struggle with scrupulosity, to me it sounds more like insecurity. Insecurity in your decisions and your need for approval. That’s very different that being scrupulous.

The industry you were in can be brutal if you don’t have a proper support system, and it can drag one down very quickly and make you feel alone (I’m in a similar industry but luckily I found support from my Parish and solace in volunteer work). I will be praying for you, dear.
Try to rely more in God and rest assured that whatever path you take, as long as you are focusing on Him, you will be okay.
 
Yes, I am very insecure. It stems from years if being bullied and shunned into silence in school. I carried it with me and it still affects me. I’ve been dealing also with jealousy between my mom and my sister. Sounds juvenile I know, but my mom favors my sister way more. My mom tells my (older) sister how proud she is of her and how he has the perfect job, perfect house. I can’t even remember the last time my mom told me she was proud of me. I’ve accomplished so much already in my life–worked with musicians, worked in the industry, recorded an album of my own songs, I’m going to be in a new movie coming out later this year. Still, she never acknowledges it. I fear nothing will be good enough, so why bother trying to impress her anymore? I’ve always been compared to my sister and it’s been killing me. Every time I try to talk to my mom about it, she gets so defensive and so angry and turns it all on me. So I give up.
It almost feels like I have to give up my happiness for hers.
 
fourwindsgirl said:
Was this God’s way of preparing me for something new and better now that I have Him control? Or was this the devil trying to get at me?

I’m having a hard time discerning God’s peace with the deception of the devil.
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I think it’s easiest simply to pray that you are given the grace to want to do God’s will, the strength to do it, and that Our Lord and His angels will protect you from devils.

Trying to see too deeply into the supernatural causes for events in our lives is not an impulse that can ever be fully satiated. In fact, a preoccupation with this may be a distraction from prayer, which is very dangerous.
 
Wow, that’s good insight. I never thought of it that way. That it could do more harm than good. I’m an over thinker and want things to be perfect, so you are right. I need to pray more deeply and stop focusing so much on perfection. Thank you for opening my eyes to that!
 
fourwindsgirl said:
Yes, I do think it is worth looking into. I fear letting them down and making them unhappy. They were happy when I lived away from home because they had a place to escape to. Now I fear I took that away when I moved home. I don’t know why I can’t get over that and move on
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It is not your responsibility to provide a place for your parents to escape to. It is jot even your job to make your parents proud of you. Consider that maybe the problem is not with you but with your parents: it sounds like you have accomplished a lot! They seem to be unrealistic.
 
I don’t understand why you are so worried. You made a decision based on what you thought God wanted from you or based on what you thought was best for your soul, no? If you did, then not to worry. If you didn’t, then just make all of your future decisions based on what you think God wants from you and based on what you know is best for your soul … and please don’t worry anymore, for worry is useless. Hope and pray instead. God bless you.
 
fourwindsgirl said:
I fear nothing will be good enough, so why bother trying to impress her anymore? (…) It almost feels like I have to give up my happiness for hers.
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Stop trying to impress her and win her approval. Chances are it will never happen. These weird dynamics in families don’t change.

I have a friend who is almost 60 yrs old and she is still angry about her mother’s preference of her sister. This has plagued her entire life. I think that the sooner one starts changing patterns of behaviour and thinking, the better. Yours is about not trying to achieve something that is probably unattainable.

Why do you think you have to sacrifice your happiness for hers? In what sense?

You really don’t. Choose a career that makes you happy, live where you want to live, and most importantly be faithful to God. He will not lead you astray. Since I have put God at the centre of my life I have much more peace and things are somehow falling into place, sometimes in quite unexpected ways. I’m in a similar position as you, that no matter what I do my parents will always find something to criticise and be unhappy about. I have reached a stage where that doesn’t bother me anymore.
 
fourwindsgirl said:
Yes, I am very insecure. It stems from years if being bullied and shunned into silence in school. I carried it with me and it still affects me. I’ve been dealing also with jealousy between my mom and my sister. Sounds juvenile I know, but my mom favors my sister way more. My mom tells my (older) sister how proud she is of her and how he has the perfect job, perfect house. I can’t even remember the last time my mom told me she was proud of me. I’ve accomplished so much already in my life–worked with musicians, worked in the industry, recorded an album of my own songs, I’m going to be in a new movie coming out later this year. Still, she never acknowledges it. I fear nothing will be good enough, so why bother trying to impress her anymore? I’ve always been compared to my sister and it’s been killing me. Every time I try to talk to my mom about it, she gets so defensive and so angry and turns it all on me. So I give up.
It almost feels like I have to give up my happiness for hers.
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You’ve done so well…if your mother and sister are jealous, it doesn’t take away your achievements.
Please try to live your life, not for their approval, but for your own satisfaction in your achievements.
Appreciate those who do think your music and your acting successes are an achievement.
You are doing your best, and I hope it won’t be long before you find someone who loves you for yourself and who is proud of your achievements.
God bless you and your life.

I hope God can help your mother and sister to become less selfish in their response to you, but hey! you are the one who is in your head. Don’t let them have too much rent-space in your mind.
 
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