God's will for family size

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elephant54

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Hi Everyone!

I’m struggling with the idea of having a third child. It’s something my husband and I have discussed, and we both want more children. I’m just struggling with knowing when is the best time to try. Is there ever a best time? There are a lot of reasons that I’m hesitant but honestly, it’s mostly fear of the unknown. After several miscarriages last year, I’m understandably nervous. And, I already feel a little stressed about having two children (I’ve struggled with anxiety since I was a kid). I trust God 100% but I’m having trouble trusting my own judgement. I have been praying about it, but I don’t feel at peace with either decision 100% (not having another vs having another) My question is…

How do you know when it’s the right time to start trying for a baby? And how do you know if God even wants you to have more children? How do you know when you’re family is complete?

I guess it’s more a question about discernment. Any advice?

Thanks!
 
Have you received treatment for the anxiety? That could be getting in the way of proper discernment. Even if the anxiety doesn’t completely go away (unlikely that it would anyway, as a fellow sufferer), a good counselor could help you learn to differentiate thoughts that are the product of anxiety or not.

My husband and I, thus far, have not deliberately planned any of our children. We find that not trying to be in charge of it works well for us. Our circumstances have been such that around the time my fertility returns after each pregnancy, we find ourselves wanting another child and we get pregnant pretty quickly after that. I am pregnant right now with my third. My first two are 25 months apart and I am due when my second child will be 28 months old. I think 2-3 years is generally good spacing, if health and finances are stable. I have had PPD after both children and know that if my fertility returned sooner than it has so far, I would probably want to postpone conceiving to give me enough time to recover fully.

I don’t know that anybody can say for sure that “we’re done” until menopause or some other big event like a health crisis that makes pregnancy impossible or highly inadvisable. What we can say is “not right now” - basing that on a lot of factors that are specific to the couple. We haven’t needed to say “not right now” yet - but I can’t make that judgment for other couples, and one day my husband and I may agree that we need to say “not right now” for a time.
 
Hi Everyone!

I’m struggling with the idea of having a third child. It’s something my husband and I have discussed, and we both want more children. I’m just struggling with knowing when is the best time to try. Is there ever a best time? There are a lot of reasons that I’m hesitant but honestly, it’s mostly fear of the unknown. After several miscarriages last year, I’m understandably nervous. And, I already feel a little stressed about having two children (I’ve struggled with anxiety since I was a kid). I trust God 100% but I’m having trouble trusting my own judgement. I have been praying about it, but I don’t feel at peace with either decision 100% (not having another vs having another) My question is…

How do you know when it’s the right time to start trying for a baby? And how do you know if God even wants you to have more children? How do you know when you’re family is complete?

I guess it’s more a question about discernment. Any advice? I also posted this in the “parenting” section so sorry if you’ve already seen it!

Thanks!
 
The other thread is here.

I’ve asked the mods if the threads could be merged.
 
I pray that God’s will be done
in this situ, that God grant PEACE to
the couple and that they can relax and
let GOD decide the size of their family!!!

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son,
and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning,
is now and ever shall be, world w/o end.
Amen.
 
elephant54 said:
Hi Everyone!

I’m struggling with the idea of having a third child. It’s something my husband and I have discussed, and we both want more children. I’m just struggling with knowing when is the best time to try. Is there ever a best time? There are a lot of reasons that I’m hesitant but honestly, it’s mostly fear of the unknown. After several miscarriages last year, I’m understandably nervous. And, I already feel a little stressed about having two children (I’ve struggled with anxiety since I was a kid). I trust God 100% but I’m having trouble trusting my own judgement. I have been praying about it, but I don’t feel at peace with either decision 100% (not having another vs having another) My question is…

How do you know when it’s the right time to start trying for a baby? And how do you know if God even wants you to have more children? How do you know when you’re family is complete?

I guess it’s more a question about discernment. Any advice? I also posted this in the “parenting” section so sorry if you’ve already seen it!

Thanks!
Click to expand...
My wife had a couple of miscarriages after our 2nd child. Our third one ended up becoming a Sister at Dominican Sisters of Mary in Ann Arbor. Our 4th turned out to be 4th and 5th (twins) and we ended up having 8 altogether.

How did I know when God wanted us to have a baby? It was when my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Honey, guess what…”

Peace,
John Marie Philomena
 
This is how it has been for me: Instead of asking the question “Do we want another baby now, and are we ready?” we would ask, “is there a serious reason why we should NOT have a baby now?” You see, there is that middle area, where you may not have a strong desire for one, but you don’t really have a reason not to have another one either. My understanding is that the middle area is where that openness to life is the most evident. It is in this area where you aren’t trying to have a baby, but you are not avoiding pregnancy either. Leaving it to God, or allowing whatever happens to happen. If it doesn’t happen, you may get to the point where you decide you really want another baby, and then you can actively try.

I will say this - it is MUCH more common for people to wish they had more children, than for people to think they had too many too fast. Personally, I remember three extended periods of time in my 16 years of marriage, in which we felt like we had a serious reason to wait (aside from having an infant already). Of those three times, I regret waiting as long as we did for 2 of them. I often look back and think that in retrospect, what seemed like a serious reason then doesn’t measure up all that well to the positives that a baby in those times would have brought. Me, I miss the idea of those 2 babies I could have had in that timeframe, and I think I would have gotten through the difficulty and been alright. No way to know for sure, and that’s not to say that one should completely throw caution to the wind. But that when you are fearful, you might think twice, and try to put yourself into the future and see if your future self would tell you to have the child.

As for when you can say your family is complete? It is probably wise to hold off on saying that, especially when your youngest is little. It is easy to feel overwhelmed with little ones and to think that you’ll never be able to handle more. But then your little ones get a little older and suddenly things are a little different. Now I don’t know that I would expect a lot of women to be completely leaving pregnancy up to God all the way to menopause - after all, as you get closer to that point, medical complications become more and more likely. But if you’re relatively young (for childbearing, that is - ie, not in your 40’s) and don’t have a really obvious permanent serious situation, I would be inclined to look at it in terms of avoiding pregnancy for the time being, rather than saying that you’re altogether done. And then you take it month by month, so that instead of looking forward and saying “I’m done”, you someday look back and realize your family is complete.
 
elephant54 said:
Hi Everyone!

I’m struggling with the idea of having a third child. It’s something my husband and I have discussed, and we both want more children. I’m just struggling with knowing when is the best time to try. Is there ever a best time? There are a lot of reasons that I’m hesitant but honestly, it’s mostly fear of the unknown. After several miscarriages last year, I’m understandably nervous. And, I already feel a little stressed about having two children (I’ve struggled with anxiety since I was a kid). I trust God 100% but I’m having trouble trusting my own judgement. I have been praying about it, but I don’t feel at peace with either decision 100% (not having another vs having another) My question is…

How do you know when it’s the right time to start trying for a baby? And how do you know if God even wants you to have more children? How do you know when you’re family is complete?

I guess it’s more a question about discernment. Any advice? I also posted this in the “parenting” section so sorry if you’ve already seen it!

Thanks!
Click to expand...
Has your doctor figured out why you had “several” miscarriages last year? Three is often the point where doctors started doing serious investigation to make sure it’s not something easily preventable or some sort of serious genetic issue that can be expected to cause continuing miscarriages.

As to when your family is complete, I think I’ll know my biological family is complete when I officially enter menopause. Until then, who knows?
 
ThyKingdomCome said:
I will say this - it is MUCH more common for people to wish they had more children, than for people to think they had too many too fast. Personally, I remember three extended periods of time in my 16 years of marriage, in which we felt like we had a serious reason to wait (aside from having an infant already). Of those three times, I regret waiting as long as we did for 2 of them. I often look back and think that in retrospect, what seemed like a serious reason then doesn’t measure up all that well to the positives that a baby in those times would have brought. Me, I miss the idea of those 2 babies I could have had in that timeframe, and I think I would have gotten through the difficulty and been alright. No way to know for sure, and that’s not to say that one should completely throw caution to the wind. But that when you are fearful, you might think twice, and try to put yourself into the future and see if your future self would tell you to have the child.
Click to expand...
We’ve also been married 16 (almost 17 years), I’m getting closer to 40, and we’ve got three children, and there was a big space between the second and the third (7 years–one of our older children has special needs). It’s theoretically possible we might have another child or two but I don’t see myself feeling deprived if we don’t. I’m one of three kids, my dad was one of three kids, so it’s a very comfortable number for me. Plus, the current spacing of my kids is very similar to that of my family of origin–in both cases there were two closely spaced children and then a much younger child.
 
ThyKingdomCome said:
This is how it has been for me: Instead of asking the question “Do we want another baby now, and are we ready?” we would ask, “is there a serious reason why we should NOT have a baby now?” You see, there is that middle area, where you may not have a strong desire for one, but you don’t really have a reason not to have another one either. My understanding is that the middle area is where that openness to life is the most evident. It is in this area where you aren’t trying to have a baby, but you are not avoiding pregnancy either. Leaving it to God, or allowing whatever happens to happen. If it doesn’t happen, you may get to the point where you decide you really want another baby, and then you can actively try.

I will say this - it is MUCH more common for people to wish they had more children, than for people to think they had too many too fast. Personally, I remember three extended periods of time in my 16 years of marriage, in which we felt like we had a serious reason to wait (aside from having an infant already). Of those three times, I regret waiting as long as we did for 2 of them. I often look back and think that in retrospect, what seemed like a serious reason then doesn’t measure up all that well to the positives that a baby in those times would have brought. Me, I miss the idea of those 2 babies I could have had in that timeframe, and I think I would have gotten through the difficulty and been alright. No way to know for sure, and that’s not to say that one should completely throw caution to the wind. But that when you are fearful, you might think twice, and try to put yourself into the future and see if your future self would tell you to have the child.

As for when you can say your family is complete? It is probably wise to hold off on saying that, especially when your youngest is little. It is easy to feel overwhelmed with little ones and to think that you’ll never be able to handle more. But then your little ones get a little older and suddenly things are a little different. Now I don’t know that I would expect a lot of women to be completely leaving pregnancy up to God all the way to menopause - after all, as you get closer to that point, medical complications become more and more likely. But if you’re relatively young (for childbearing, that is - ie, not in your 40’s) and don’t have a really obvious permanent serious situation, I would be inclined to look at it in terms of avoiding pregnancy for the time being, rather than saying that you’re altogether done. And then you take it month by month, so that instead of looking forward and saying “I’m done”, you someday look back and realize your family is complete.
Click to expand...
👍
I do know women in their 40’s that have happily left it “up to God” as well, health can vary by person, but I do think you have some excellent points here.
 
Might it be the past miscarriages that are making you apprehensive about everything else? Miscarriages are traumatic, so it would be understandable if you are anxious about conceiving again because part of you is afraid of losing the baby. I know I would be feeling that way if I were in your shoes. Perhaps explore that and see if it is causing the stress? If it is, then there are miscarriage support groups that could help.
 
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