God's Will for Infertile Couples

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ARL337

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Hello,

I am not sure if I am posting this in the right thread. I’m curious as to what God’s will may be for couples going through infertility. The struggle has been difficult for us and I’m starting to feel like I’m not even sure I want children anymore. I’ve suffered multiple miscarriages. Could it be that God does not mean for us to be parents? Am I wrong, or is it sinful, to not want children anymore? I’m just not sure what His plan is for our life, meaning my husband and myself. We follow the teachings of the Catholic church on not preventing but we’ve been trying to take certain measures to try to conceive, within the churches teachings, and I’m starting to want to give up on all of it but I’m not sure if that’s right to do as a Catholic.
 
Never give up asking god, after all there were infertile women in the bible who he gave the gift of being a mother to.

Browse the links in my signature, they may help you get fast and visible intercession in becoming a mother

Godbless you
 
Because of the fall, we are not living as God intended. We are not perfect. Sometimes things just don’t work correctly.

God did not will infertility on you guys - it just happened. Like all people, you are called to live chastely (meaning, using sexuality appropriately to your state in life). and as a married couple you promised to accept children as they come.

You are not required to try everything imaginable (within Church teaching) to have children.

I would suggest you guys take some time off and just relax and not worry about it for a time.
 
Catholic radio host Teresa Tomeo I believe has had to bear the cross of infertility in her marriage. She has spoken of a certain spiritual parenthood that she and her husband embrace, for they still embody the signs of fruitfulness in their complementary genders. Maybe she is worth emailing? She also has a few books that may touch on the subject. I’ve not read her, but she’s a great host. :o
 
You are under no obligation to take any special measures to try to conceive. We are only required to be open to God’s will, whatever that may be. Some couples will never have children, but we should not assume that that indicates a lack of God’s favor. We may never understand why things happen, short of heaven.
 
Please seek medical advice about your repeated miscarriages. There are some easy, non-intrusive fixes (progesterone and baby aspirins) that work for many women.
 
Thank you all for your responses.

Xantippe-I have been seeking medical treatment for about a year now and it continues. That’s what I mean by I don’t know if I should stop. I’m getting tired of all the medical treatment and medications that I’ve been on without seeing results. But there’s a part of me that feels it would be wrong to give it all up…like as if I am giving up on being open to children. It’s just so difficult at times and I’m starting to lose my desire to have children.

MarcoPolo- I listen to Teresa Tomeo from time to time but did not know she suffered through infertility. Thank you for sharing that with me. I may reach out to her.
 
ARL337 said:
Hello,

I am not sure if I am posting this in the right thread. I’m curious as to what God’s will may be for couples going through infertility. . I’ve suffered multiple miscarriages. Could it be that God does not mean for us to be parents? Am I wrong, or is it sinful, to not want children anymore? QUOTE]

Dear ARL, I am so sorry for the children you have lost too early to miscarriage. Please know that those sweet children are with Our Dear Lord Jesus in Heaven. From heaven they must surely offer their holy prayers for you and their dear father. One day, they will welcome the two of you into paradise and you will hold them in your arms as you once held them closely in your womb. These sweet children are the creation between you and your dear husband and Our Wonderful God.

God places in our hearts the desire to be Open to Life. That means that with each act of marital relations we are not closing off the possibility to accept a child from that union of our bodies.

God gives us acceptable medical ways to help improve our bodies when our fertility is not functioning properly. These do not always work as we desire.

God may be leading you to accept that as a couple you may be unable to bear your own children. That is not sinful. If you feel you are accepting that you will not bear your own child - that is not sinful.

It would only be sinful to prevent the union of egg and sperm from uniting or to destroy the fertilized egg (new life) from implanting - such as with using artificial birth control methods. That is closing off the union of husband and wife from accepting the gift of New Life - a child. That is NOT what you are stating. You are not sinning.

Please know God could be leading you to become parents through the wonderful gift of adoption. I know many families who welcome children into their home through the beauty of adoption. Maybe this is a gift God is offering to you and your husband.

Please check out the Pope Paul VI Institute for the Study of Human Reproduction.
popepaulvi.com/ You can make an appointment to be seen by them for medical care.

Please be at peace knowing that you are not sinning in your mind, heart, or body with the thought that God may not be bringing a child into your home through the gift of marital union. Simply always be open to the possibility of life from each act of marital love - meaning not to place any barriers in the way of God creating life within you.

May God bless you richly in your search for God’s will in your life.
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Have you investigated other options e.g adoption, fostering etc? Maybe god has given you infertility as he wants you to be a loving mother to some of those unwanted babies and kids in the world, maybe you could look into those options?

And if you wanted more than 1 child, then you could adopt a sibling group, then your adopted kids would biologically be related to one another
 
As Mother Teresa put it concerning her own vocation: God didn’t call me to be successful. God called me to be faithful. The teaching of the Church are not meant to enhance productivity. The teachings of the Church concerning marriage are meant to protect the integrity of marriage and the fidelity of married people towards their state in life.

No, although it is necessary to be willing to make the sacrifices of parenthood if you are asked to, it is not necessary for a married couple to cultivate a personal desire for children nor to specially cultivate a physical readiness to have them. It is not necessary to seek special medical help in order to bear children. It is not necessary to seek to adopt a child if you cannot conceive. It is necessary that when you and your husband give yourselves to each other during the marital act that you include openness to children as part of that total self-gift, that you not divide your sexuality in order to net only what you happen to want from it, instead of all that it naturally entails. It is necessary that your one life as a couple be about more than just the two of you. Raising children is only the most common way that is accomplished, but it is by no means the only way.

Mother Teresa also taught this: Holiness is not a luxury of the few. It’s a simple duty for each one of us. For holiness brings love, and love brings peace, and peace brings us together. This is also what the Church teaches. You and your husband, presuming that you are open to children, have the choice between the two of you concerning how you are to pursue one life of holiness together. It does not have to be as parents. It may not even be an option for you to do it as parents. That isn’t what is most important. What is most important is that the two of you use your marriage to gain heaven and to help others do the same. Whether or not that includes children is up to God.
 
RoseMary131 said:
ARL337;10656604:
Hello,

I am not sure if I am posting this in the right thread. I’m curious as to what God’s will may be for couples going through infertility. . I’ve suffered multiple miscarriages. Could it be that God does not mean for us to be parents? Am I wrong, or is it sinful, to not want children anymore? QUOTE]

Dear ARL, I am so sorry for the children you have lost too early to miscarriage. Please know that those sweet children are with Our Dear Lord Jesus in Heaven. From heaven they must surely offer their holy prayers for you and their dear father. One day, they will welcome the two of you into paradise and you will hold them in your arms as you once held them closely in your womb. These sweet children are the creation between you and your dear husband and Our Wonderful God.

God places in our hearts the desire to be Open to Life. That means that with each act of marital relations we are not closing off the possibility to accept a child from that union of our bodies.

God gives us acceptable medical ways to help improve our bodies when our fertility is not functioning properly. These do not always work as we desire.

God may be leading you to accept that as a couple you may be unable to bear your own children. That is not sinful. If you feel you are accepting that you will not bear your own child - that is not sinful.

It would only be sinful to prevent the union of egg and sperm from uniting or to destroy the fertilized egg (new life) from implanting - such as with using artificial birth control methods. That is closing off the union of husband and wife from accepting the gift of New Life - a child. That is NOT what you are stating. You are not sinning.

Please know God could be leading you to become parents through the wonderful gift of adoption. I know many families who welcome children into their home through the beauty of adoption. Maybe this is a gift God is offering to you and your husband.

Please check out the Pope Paul VI Institute for the Study of Human Reproduction.
popepaulvi.com/
Click to expand...
You can make an appointment to be seen by them for medical care.

Please be at peace knowing that you are not sinning in your mind, heart, or body with the thought that God may not be bringing a child into your home through the gift of marital union. Simply always be open to the possibility of life from each act of marital love - meaning not to place any barriers in the way of God creating life within you.

May God bless you richly in your search for God’s will in your life.

Thank you so much for that RoseMary. That is really what I needed to hear. It’s good to hear that I am no sinning by losing my desire for children. Even if we decide to give up trying we will NEVER use any barriers or take any action that would make it impossible for sperm to meet egg. We both feel very strongly about that.

As for adoption/foster…that could be an option for us but at this time we are not feeling a strong pull to it. My husband, more so than I, does not want to pursue that route at this time and I would never try to force my husband to want to adopt, or foster. I feel that would be damaging to our marriage and more importantly to the child if my husband feels forced into it. I’m not even sure if I want to go that route at this point. I do believe that if God means to bring a child into our life through adoption/foster, we will eventually feel the strong pulling toward that. Sometimes I am hard on myself for these feelings as well. I feel like if I want children and I’m having trouble having them on my own that I should have more of a desire to adopt. Maybe I need to stop being so hard on myself for the way I feel. It’s just that when you go into a marriage, you usually expect to eventually take the next step and start a family. When things don’t go as planned it feels like you’re thrown off course and lost and confused. I just don’t know what road to take. I pray to God all the time to help me find the right road.
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EasterJoy said:
As Mother Teresa put it concerning her own vocation: God didn’t call me to be successful. God called me to be faithful. The teaching of the Church are not meant to enhance productivity. The teachings of the Church concerning marriage are meant to protect the integrity of marriage and the fidelity of married people towards their state in life.

No, although it is necessary to be willing to make the sacrifices of parenthood if you are asked to, it is not necessary for a married couple to cultivate a personal desire for children nor to specially cultivate a physical readiness to have them. It is not necessary to seek special medical help in order to bear children. It is not necessary to seek to adopt a child if you cannot conceive. It is necessary that when you and your husband give yourselves to each other during the marital act that you include openness to children as part of that total self-gift, that you not divide your sexuality in order to net only what you happen to want from it, instead of all that it naturally entails. It is necessary that your one life as a couple be about more than just the two of you. Raising children is only the most common way that is accomplished, but it is by no means the only way.

Mother Teresa also taught this: Holiness is not a luxury of the few. It’s a simple duty for each one of us. For holiness brings love, and love brings peace, and peace brings us together. This is also what the Church teaches. You and your husband, presuming that you are open to children, have the choice between the two of you concerning how you are to pursue one life of holiness together. It does not have to be as parents. It may not even be an option for you to do it as parents. That isn’t what is most important. What is most important is that the two of you use your marriage to gain heaven and to help others do the same. Whether or not that includes children is up to God.
Click to expand...
Thank you EasterJoy. This was so great for me to read and definitely helped me feel better about my current feelings and current situation!
 
ARL337 said:
Thank you EasterJoy. This was so great for me to read and definitely helped me feel better about my current feelings and current situation!
Click to expand...
I’m very pleased to have helped you, if only a little bit. Although we had twins when I was 36, I have had to face the possibility myself that we might not have had children. My brother is not able to have children, either. He and his wife took in a relative who needed a safer place than his home town to attend high school, but they did not choose to adopt. You never know what life is going to ask of you as a couple. Just keep your eyes open, and be faithful. Do that, and you’re good. If you are confused about what that means, well, that is why you have a pastor. I don’t know one who would tell you anything other than what I did.
 
EasterJoy said:
I’m very pleased to have helped you, if only a little bit. Although we had twins when I was 36, I have had to face the possibility myself that we might not have had children. My brother is not able to have children, either. He and his wife took in a relative who needed a safer place than his home town to attend high school, but they did not choose to adopt. You never know what life is going to ask of you as a couple. Just keep your eyes open, and be faithful. Do that, and you’re good. If you are confused about what that means, well, that is why you have a pastor. I don’t know one who would tell you anything other than what I did.
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Thank you again. So sorry to hear that you had to endure struggles as well. Also your brother. I too have a brother that is unable to have children due to his wife’s medical situation. I feel like that makes it difficult for me too because there’s a part of me that feels that I should be trying harder to have children so that I don’t leave my parents grandparent-less. I know though that that is not a reason to have children…just so the parents can become grandparents but I do get sad thinking of the possibility that my parents may never get that opportunity. They both are very supportive though and they don’t care if we give up trying but I do know that they would love to be grandparents someday. I try my best to stay positive about what life is going to ask of us. It really is so true that we cannot know what will come our way. I have to do my best to remain positive, faithful and keep my eyes open.
 
ARL337 said:
Thank you again. So sorry to hear that you had to endure struggles as well. Also your brother. I too have a brother that is unable to have children due to his wife’s medical situation. I feel like that makes it difficult for me too because there’s a part of me that feels that I should be trying harder to have children so that I don’t leave my parents grandparent-less. I know though that that is not a reason to have children…just so the parents can become grandparents but I do get sad thinking of the possibility that my parents may never get that opportunity. They both are very supportive though and they don’t care if we give up trying but I do know that they would love to be grandparents someday. I try my best to stay positive about what life is going to ask of us. It really is so true that we cannot know what will come our way. I have to do my best to remain positive, faithful and keep my eyes open.
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You know you wouldn’t expect that from your brother and his wife, if the tables were turned. Who knows, you may yet become pregnant and then go to term. As long as you are not ignoring harmful medical conditions that are leading to your infertility, though, as long as you know of any precautions you might want to take if you become pregnant, you do not need to turn over every medical stone possible in order to have children, and in fact there are some that morality forbids you to turn. That alone tells you that the Church is the most concerned about the integrity of your marriage, and not how fertile you are.

You know, you can just take a rest, and let yourself think, “Maybe we’ll see if anything is to be done later, but since we know I am not in medical danger by discontinuing what there is to be done and because I am emotionally exhausted, I feel I need to just accept what comes from not try to do more than that.”

IOW, not “we don’t want children” but “we don’t want to wear ourselves out with trying to have children. We will be open to what happens, but we have to take a break from the medical interventions and the anxiety that goes with them.” Think about what you’d tell your SIL, if the tables were turned. I think it might be like that.

Put another way: “Are we still ‘trying’? Well, we’re not sleeping in separate bedrooms, if that’s what you mean!!” Keep up with the good part, and see what happens. It’s kind of like treating your bad back with soaks in the Jacuzzi. Even if your back doesn’t get better, the investment is hardly a total loss. 😉
 
ARL,

I do not believe there is some particular God’s will that applies to all infertile couples. Each couple is different with a different calling from God. You are not obligated to seek medical intervention for your problems and your infertility is not a sign that you need to adopt children or become a foster parent. If you do not want to continue with medical treatments or testing, you do not have to. Give yourself a break, it is okay. I too have decided that I do not want to go through an aggressive testing/treatment plan that my doctor outlined for me and it has been the right choice for me (at least for now). The treatment for infertility is no guarantee of success anyway, it can be invasive at times, and comes with its own risks that need to be considered between you, your husband, and your doctor. You will really not do anything wrong if you take break from the infertility treatments.
 
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