Going Chaste

[minorsecond]

My girlfriend and I are both Catholic. She’s actually part of the reason that I was led to the church. I owe her a lot for helping to lead me home. We have not been chaste since we began dating and I planned on stopping all such activities after I was baptized. However, my plans have failed me (or I have failed my plans?) and I have fallen back into that rut.

She has told me before that she doesn’t believe everything that the church teaches and that she doesn’t really think that God would really be upset with people for having premarital sex. She believes that he wouldn’t have made it feel good if he didn’t want us doing it. On the other hand, I do agree with and believe the church and what is said in the bible and I do not want to engage in this activity anymore. I went to confession today and I left feeling a lot better, but feeling anxious and afraid that I’m just going to go back to my usual self within a night or two.

I want to talk to her about this & tell her that I think we should abstain from such activity, but have no idea how to bring it up. I don’t want her to think that I have a “holier than thou” attitude and I don’t want to lose her. She’s really into the physical things and I don’t know how she would feel about losing that.

 

[Danuska]

She believes that he wouldn’t have made it feel good if he didn’t want us doing it. .

That is an interesting argument - it kind of reminds me of this passage from the book of Genesis 3: 6:
“When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.”

And what about extra marital affairs, I bet they can also feel good…

 

[Abenadar]

My girlfriend and I are both Catholic. She’s actually part of the reason that I was led to the church. I owe her a lot for helping to lead me home. We have not been chaste since we began dating and I planned on stopping all such activities after I was baptized. However, my plans have failed me (or I have failed my plans?) and I have fallen back into that rut.

Sorry to be so quick and foreward, but I have to ask: If a self-proclaimed Catholic doesn’t act, practice, or believe as Catholics do, is that person still Catholic? I don’t act, practice or believe as Jews do, but can I start calling myself one?

She has told me before that she doesn’t believe everything that the church teaches and that she doesn’t really think that God would really be upset with people for having premarital sex. She believes that he wouldn’t have made it feel good if he didn’t want us doing it.

Sound reasoning, I’m sure…

On the other hand, I do agree with and believe the church and what is said in the bible and I do not want to engage in this activity anymore. I went to confession today and I left feeling a lot better, but feeling anxious and afraid that I’m just going to go back to my usual self within a night or two.

That’s because you will go back within a night or two if you don’t remove yourself from the situation. She is a VERY near occasion of sin for you, and you for her, and you will continue to commit mortal sins together without a chaperone at all times at the very least, or just calling it off altogether if need be.

I want to talk to her about this & tell her that I think we should abstain from such activity, but have no idea how to bring it up.

Don’t do it in her room, or yours. You don’t need to know how to ‘bring it up’, you just need to bring it up. Say “listen, this is wrong”. After all, with your lips you say “I love you”, but by your actions you are saying “I am willing not only to damn myself to hell for this feeling, but I’m also willing to damn you to hell too”. Love indeed!

I don’t want her to think that I have a “holier than thou” attitude and I don’t want to lose her.

Forget the human respect, just do what’s right. Who cares what she thinks. If she hates your guts and wants to leave, who cares? Is that somebody you’d want to spend the rest of your life with anyway? If she agrees, it has to be a permanent change. No falling back into your old ways, and the only way to do that is to avoid at all times the near occasion of those sins. Bottom line, just don’t be alone with her. It’s not appropriate, even if everybody in the world thinks you are an idiot.

She’s really into the physical things and I don’t know how she would feel about losing that.

Ask yourself this: What’s more important, the physical feeling that she can get from any guy, or you yourself? If you are more important than the feeling you’re giving her then she’ll be chaste. If not, well, you already know that answer to that.

Personally, I dated this exact girl in college and ultimately realized that being with her was hell. Ya, I did a little mope for a week or two, but moved on to a different mistake. It wasn’t until I found a faithful Catholic girl that I finally felt good about a relationship, and then married her. Four years later, still married, going strong, two boys, no drama, no cheating on her part (which is something I later learned my ex was doing to satisfy her need for a certain feeling anyway…). Just let her know what’s what. She’ll stay or go. Either way, you win. Just don’t fall back into your stupid habits, you’ll feel much better when it’s out of your system until you’re married…Believe me, I know.

 

[thunderballs75]

My girlfriend and I are both Catholic. She’s actually part of the reason that I was led to the church. I owe her a lot for helping to lead me home. We have not been chaste since we began dating and I planned on stopping all such activities after I was baptized. However, my plans have failed me (or I have failed my plans?) and I have fallen back into that rut.

She has told me before that she doesn’t believe everything that the church teaches and that she doesn’t really think that God would really be upset with people for having premarital sex. She believes that he wouldn’t have made it feel good if he didn’t want us doing it. On the other hand, I do agree with and believe the church and what is said in the bible and I do not want to engage in this activity anymore. I went to confession today and I left feeling a lot better, but feeling anxious and afraid that I’m just going to go back to my usual self within a night or two.

I want to talk to her about this & tell her that I think we should abstain from such activity, but have no idea how to bring it up. I don’t want her to think that I have a “holier than thou” attitude and I don’t want to lose her. She’s really into the physical things and I don’t know how she would feel about losing that.

Just tell her. I believe in the Gospel readings from yesterday, Jesus says that we must hate every person whom we have any sort of relationship with, or else we cannot be our disciple. Now of course, He doesn’t mean hatred, because God never teaches hate. However, He IS saying that we must put Him before everybody else.

I had the same problem before. I will be honest with you. In no way do I say this with pride or boasting, but as completely saddened and ashamed. I am not a virgin. But God has shown me the right way. It is very hard to keep chaste, I know. But I feel that if I don’t do it, then I have no right to try and teach others not to. Jesus said that we must pull the plank out of our own eyes before showing our neighbors the splinter in theirs. So I hope that by my own example, which it has been very hard to maintain, that you may inspired. The longer you keep chaste, the easier it becomes.

That first time of breaking the habit is the hardest. Keep chaste for one month. Once you have done this, you can encourage yourself by saying “Well, God has allowed me to keep chaste this long. Would it be worth it to break now?” That’s how I feel anyways.

God bless you my brother, and may the holy Eucharist guide you onto the straight path.

 

[skallal]

Hey minor,

I understand that you don’t want to lose her and that you don’t want to sound holier than thou. I also get that you feel anxious and afraid about falling again and have no idea how to bring this up with her. I get that there is a battle inside you because you believe what the church teaches and don’t want to do this any more.

What I mean is, you decide what’s most important to you. And nobody else has to tell you what to do. As soon as you are free, you can do what you really want… and if anyone tries to stop you, you can let them slip out of your life, and let new people come in who are even better for you, you know? Think about it. You could let her bring it up, and when she does, you can tell her how you think and feel. For real. Why not? You don’t have anything to hide, nothing to lose… And when you gain back that peace of soul and that joy, it’ll all be worth it…

 

[minorsecond]

Thank you all very much for the words of encouragement.
After Easter, my job schedule changed such that I wasn’t able to attend mass without having to leave halfway through in order to not be late. I wasn’t able to attend except for a few times when I was bold enough to tell my boss that I was late because I had an obligation to be at mass. I just recently went above my boss and got that problem fixed so I’ll be able to start going again. My girlfriend has expressed an interest in getting back into going to mass as well. I just hope that she doesn’t take it the wrong way!

There’s another problem. Her birthday is Monday and she’s coming up to visit with all of her friends. She asked me if she could stay with me and I told her that she could. Now I’m not naive and I know that things could happen. Is it a sin in and of itself that she is staying the night at my place?

 

[Sancto_Spiritu]

There’s another problem. Her birthday is Monday and she’s coming up to visit with all of her friends. She asked me if she could stay with me and I told her that she could. Now I’m not naive and I know that things could happen. Is it a sin in and of itself that she is staying the night at my place?

I’m 23. I feel your pain. It’s tough, but you need to put your foot down and if she doesn’t respect your beliefs, she is NOT the girl for you.

Ask yourself this: Is she in the relationship for YOU or for YOUR BODY?

It’s not a sin in itself necessarily, but it is an “occasion of sin,” which basically means “you’re setting yourself up to sin.” However, think of this: It is a scandal to your friends and family to see her sleeping in the same apartment/room/bed as you are, and that could inspire others to do the same, which is a sin.

There are a lot of aspects to her “staying the night” that are pretty bad.

I would call her and tell her that it’s not acceptable for her to stay and that she should find another place to crash. If she gets mad, that’s her problem. Would you rather her get mad or you both commit a mortal sin together?

 

[thunderballs75]

I don’t think there is problem with her spending the night. just don’t do anything you will regret.

 

[Ohiomom]

There’s another problem. Her birthday is Monday and she’s coming up to visit with all of her friends. She asked me if she could stay with me and I told her that she could. Now I’m not naive and I know that things could happen. Is it a sin in and of itself that she is staying the night at my place?

Prayer will be very important for you as it is so so difficult to deal with lack of chastity. It definitely is a near occasion of sin for her to stay with you and unless you have a spare bedroom and or a room mate you are pretty much setting yourself and her up for an occasion to sin again or a confrontation.

It is always “easy” to justify not doing what you don’t want to do by rationalizing you don’t agree with that teaching of the church or scripture. I dare say we have all done it. Your gf is right, it does feel good and God does want us to enjoy sexual pleasure BUT He wants us to enjoy it within the sacrament of marriage, period.

Read Paul’s letters, especially Romans and 1 Corinthians. For example, 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 Shun immorality. Every other sin which a man commits is outside the body; but the immoral man sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Sprirt within you, which you have from God? You are not your own; you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

Fr. Benedict Groeschel has a book The Courage to be Chaste, which I highly recommend and he deals with how to deal with moving from unchastity to chasity.

I will pray for both of you.

 

[Abenadar]

I don’t think there is problem with her spending the night. just don’t do anything you will regret.

There absolutely IS a problem with her staying the night, Thunderballs. They have already proved time an time again that they are both proximate occasions of sin for one another, which **must **be avoided. Minor says that he doesn’t think he’s naive and acknowledges that things “could” happen…aka, I guarantee 99% that things will happen. I think your advice, Thunderballs, is incredibly naive. “Just don’t do anything you will regret”…Easier said than done, especially given their current circumstances (if you’ve forgotten what I mean, just look to the original post of this thread). Minor and his gf should NOT be alone together in the middle of the night in his bedroom, and to say that you “don’t think there is [a] problem” is scandalous and stupid (I’m not saying you’re stupid, just that your take on the situation is). I don’t mean to come down hard on you, but we all have to know and be reminded that we MUST fly even from the mere proximate occasions of sin. “Lead us not into temptation”, right? Guess what? By allowing that woman into his room for the night he has led himself right into the lion’s den.

Minor, you say you’re not naive…Do the right thing. You know what’s going to happen. Extricate yourself from the situation. If she spends the night at your place, go spend the night at your buddy’s. It is not appropriate for a young, hot-blooded, single male to be in the situation you are in. You don’t have to believe me…Just do what I say. I was there. I was you. Now that I’m an old man (27) I realize what I was doing, and it’s far worse than you know now. Just trust me on that.

 

[thunderballs75]

There absolutely IS a problem with her staying the night, Thunderballs. They have already proved time an time again that they are both proximate occasions of sin for one another, which **must **be avoided. Minor says that he doesn’t think he’s naive and acknowledges that things “could” happen…aka, I guarantee 99% that things will happen. I think your advice, Thunderballs, is incredibly naive. “Just don’t do anything you will regret”…Easier said than done, especially given their current circumstances (if you’ve forgotten what I mean, just look to the original post of this thread). Minor and his gf should NOT be alone together in the middle of the night in his bedroom, and to say that you “don’t think there is [a] problem” is scandalous and stupid (I’m not saying you’re stupid, just that your take on the situation is). I don’t mean to come down hard on you, but we all have to know and be reminded that we MUST fly even from the mere proximate occasions of sin. “Lead us not into temptation”, right? Guess what? By allowing that woman into his room for the night he has led himself right into the lion’s den.

Minor, you say you’re not naive…Do the right thing. You know what’s going to happen. Extricate yourself from the situation. If she spends the night at your place, go spend the night at your buddy’s. It is not appropriate for a young, hot-blooded, single male to be in the situation you are in. You don’t have to believe me…Just do what I say. I was there. I was you. Now that I’m an old man (27) I realize what I was doing, and it’s far worse than you know now. Just trust me on that.

It is not inherently evil in itself. However, you are right, that especially if you are quite certain that you would sin, it is best not to subject yourself to it. It is better to cut your arm off than to throw the whole body into hell, as a wise Son of Man once said.

But if you don’t do anything immoral, then sleeping over and being together, watching a movie or something is not inherently evil in itself. But I may be acting a little naive. My advice is this: Only sleep over if you plan on telling her that you will not be engaging in immoral actions any longer. You could just not do them, but easier said than done.

 

[Luvs2Learn]

just out of curiosity, if the two of you are Catholic and you are strongly desireing to be a commited Catholic but you keep falling back to the “pre-marital sex act” are the two of you also using contraception? If you are then maybe if you draw the line and announce you will no longer use or engage in sexual activity where contraception is used it may put a new twist on things. Both of you should read Pope JPII Theology of the Body.

 

[minorsecond]

Well, I was successful in remaining chaste last night and I’m proud of myself! However my girlfriend had other plans in mind and she was a little upset that I wouldn’t “pay attention to her” on the night of her birthday. I didn’t explain to her why I didn’t do anything and she is upset!

 

[thunderballs75]

Well, I was successful in remaining chaste last night and I’m proud of myself! However my girlfriend had other plans in mind and she was a little upset that I wouldn’t “pay attention to her” on the night of her birthday. I didn’t explain to her why I didn’t do anything and she is upset!

God is great! God has protected you from evil. I’m sorry she is upset. But you do need to tell her why, if you plan on keeping chaste, and if you plan on keeping her as your girlfriend.

God bless you!

 

[Sancto_Spiritu]

Well, I was successful in remaining chaste last night and I’m proud of myself! However my girlfriend had other plans in mind and she was a little upset that I wouldn’t “pay attention to her” on the night of her birthday. I didn’t explain to her why I didn’t do anything and she is upset!

If she doesn’t understand and appreciate why you’re not paying “that kind” of attention to her, she is not the girl for you.

 

[daeve]

I don’t think there is problem with her spending the night. just don’t do anything you will regret.

You could park yourself on the sofa, in your clothes, and explain to her that this is a critical issue in your relationship.

The thing to remember is that you are choosing the salvation of your immortal soul over a brief interlude. Forever is a very long time.

I know celibacy is hard. Everywhere you look, people who aren’t married are having sex, and TALKING ABOUT IT! Every TV show, your friends, the movies…and if you’re not doing it there will be people who ridicule you, or at least tease you. Unmarried sex just isn’t something that’s worth going to hell. And you’re probably adding the sin of artificial birth control.

You mentioned that there were problems previously in your relationship with this girl. When you’re “courting” you’re still trying to impress the other person. If you’ve been unhappy before with her, what makes you think things will be different in the future?

Sadly, I am the voice of experience in all these matters. God is willing to forgive, but it can be pretty hard to forgive yourself.

 

[minorsecond]

Thank you all for all of the support. For me, it’s not hard to stop having sex… but rather to see her concern in why I’m not interested anymore. I do understand why she would be hurt without knowing my reasoning for not wanting it anymore. I suppose she feels as if I am losing interest.

 

[thunderballs75]

Thank you all for all of the support. For me, it’s not hard to stop having sex… but rather to see her concern in why I’m not interested anymore. I do understand why she would be hurt without knowing my reasoning for not wanting it anymore. I suppose she feels as if I am losing interest.

That’s what I am saying. If you plan on keeping her as your girlfriend, you need to tell her the reason you are stopping is not because you don’t love her, but because of moral reasons.

God bless you.