Going on a break

[1searchfortruth]

Hi all,

This is my first post here. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years. We have been through a lot of growth together. When we met I was in the process of converting to Catholicism and he was a cradle Catholic. We struggled with chastity a lot but in recent months I have been able to resist but he struggles tremendously still. It has caused a lot of tension as I think he feels that I’m rejecting him even though he assures me that we are doing the right thing he gets terribly depressed if he try’s to get physical and I deny. It’s a bad cycle. Recently I’ve been really hurt because while he wants to be physical he does not yet want to commit to marriage. I initiated a break in our relationship bc he is unable to assure me that he could see a future with me. His reasoning was that he things we fight too much. I feel broken-hearted and don’t know if I did the right thing. Any advice?

Morgan

 

[kptrs]

You did the right thing.

It’s a HUGE red flag when someone wants to be physical with you but doesn’t want to commit (get married) or see a future with you. Sex without commitment is, well…just sex. Sorry, but that’s what he wants from you. No more, no less.

I think it’s time to say goodbye to him and this relationship and find someone who sees a future with you and wants to marry you.

 

[kptrs]

Of course, that’s not to say you won’t feel hurt. Break-ups are hard. But remember it is for the best. Spend time in prayer and give yourself time to heal. God bless. :hug3:

 

[1searchfortruth]

I’m scared that our physical past has caused this and now that we can no longer be physical because we’ve committed to chastity he feels like a complete failure when he tries advances. I regret our physical past so much.

 

[pianistclare]

He’s not the right guy.
It will take a while to realize because you’ve got too much emotion invested in him.
But you dodged a bullet here. Be thankful.

 

[Catholic1954]

I’m scared that our physical past has caused this and now that we can no longer be physical because we’ve committed to chastity he feels like a complete failure when he tries advances. I regret our physical past so much.

You have remained chaste throughout the relationship, that is all that will count in the end. His future spouse will appreciate that and so will yours. P.S. He should not have been making advances in the first place; he should have been looking out for both of you.

 

[Xantippe]

You have remained chaste throughout the relationship, that is all that will count in the end. His future spouse will appreciate that and so will yours. P.S. He should not have been making advances in the first place; he should have been looking out for both of you.

Right.

It shouldn’t be 100% on you to be fending him off all the time.

What kind of preparation is that for leading your family? Plus, it’s just not fair to you.

Also, after two years he doesn’t want to marry you? (I’m assuming you’re not both 18, in which case it would be not unreasonable.)

I agree with other people that you need to move on and not look back. It will hurt, but it will be ultimately for the best.

There’s a good Catholic writer (Dorothy Cummings McLean) who has written a lot on dating issues for grownup Catholic single women, and she recommends that past 22, a year is long enough to just date anybody. I suggest looking at her book The Closet’s All Mine and skimming the Seraphic Singles blog and Edinburgh Housewife for relevant posts.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m scared that our physical past has caused this and now that we can no longer be physical because we’ve committed to chastity he feels like a complete failure when he tries advances. I regret our physical past so much.

You may find it far easier to remain chaste with a different boyfriend, even if that new romantic interest has a past much like your current boyfriend does. It is the resolution to the changed way and the resolve to leave the old way behind that counts, but also the degree to which you are each a “trigger” for the other for the behavior you want to change.

Think about it: You know that if someone used to be your confederate in alcohol abuse, that is going to be the last person you want to try to stay sober with unless you find each other to be each other’s best advocate for the new resolution, right? Think of any other change you’re trying to make in your past behavior. Either the friends you used to engage in that behavior are with you are 100% AND trying to make the same change with you, or you need to find new friends. There is no reason this is going to be any different. Nothing against the old friends, necessarily, but this is the way it is when you’re trying to make a big change when change is difficult.

I wouldn’t treat this much differently that a food addiction or a habit of over-eating. Eating is good and sex is good, but self-control is necessary. Learning self-control with a behavior you aren’t going to stop for life is not easy.

By the way, don’t treat chastity as if it were in a different ballpark than other kinds of self-control. Practice fasting and abstinence from other legitimate pleasures, rather than just chastity. (Fridays are the traditional days for fasting and abstinence.) There is a degree to which self-surrender to God requires the help of the Holy Spirit in the foundational work of self-conquest. Don’t be afraid to pursue that. You cannot give that to God that which you have chained to habits beyond your control.

 

[Xantippe]

You may find it far easier to remain chaste with a different boyfriend, even if that new romantic interest has a past much like your current boyfriend does. It is the resolution to the changed way and the resolve to leave the old way behind that counts, but also the degree to which you are each a “trigger” for the other for the behavior you want to change.

Right.