Going to a different priest than usual for confession?

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returned2faith

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Hello all,

I am a new member here and this is my first post. I have read many other posts and have always found the forum useful. My parents left the Church when I was young, but I have recently gone through RCIA and was confirmed at the Easter Vigil. 🙂

Anyway, both my wife and I have a very good relationship with our main parish priest. I have had him as my main confessor. I made a huge (about 2 and 1/2 hours) confession to him prior to confirmation. He is excellent and I trust him. I also trust and have gone to confession with our senior priest.

Here is my concern: I had been struggling with a very major sin, but I had ceased following through on it prior to my first confession. It’s been about 6 months and I have really been feeling God’s grace in lifting this sin from me. I had confessed to my regular priest on a couple of occasions that I had placed myself in a position to sin in that manner again (that, itself, being a sin). However, I had not fallen into the sin again.

Unfortunately, I did fall once more, and I feel absolutely awful about it. I know I need to confess, and do so soon. However, I am wondering about possibly seeing a different priest in a different parish?

I admit that I am partially embarrassed about having fallen again - after having done so well for so long. However, a large part of my concern is actually for my priest’s sake. He respects me in other ways, and he has a good relationship with both me and my wife. He is even going to go to lunch with us both in a couple of weeks. I am concerned that telling him this right now may put him in an awkward situation in being with both me and my wife at the same time. I know he is great at being a confessor - I’m not the least bit concerned about confidentiality, etc… but I know it has to be tough (from a human standpoint) to possibly even look at someone when you know they’ve done something pretty horrible - and must be delicate to then speak with them in the presence of others.

Advice? Is it fine for me to confess to a different priest? I know there are benefits to continuing to be accountable to one priest - but I could possibly accomplish that by resolving to go to the new priest if I were ever to fall again (which I truly intend not to do). I’m just wondering if it might be easier for not only me, but for my parish priest, if I go to a different one for this. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
 
returned2faith said:
Hello all,

I am a new member here and this is my first post. I have read many other posts and have always found the forum useful. My parents left the Church when I was young, but I have recently gone through RCIA and was confirmed at the Easter Vigil. 🙂

Anyway, both my wife and I have a very good relationship with our main parish priest. I have had him as my main confessor. I made a huge (about 2 and 1/2 hours) confession to him prior to confirmation. He is excellent and I trust him. I also trust and have gone to confession with our senior priest.

Here is my concern: I had been struggling with a very major sin, but I had ceased following through on it prior to my first confession. It’s been about 6 months and I have really been feeling God’s grace in lifting this sin from me. I had confessed to my regular priest on a couple of occasions that I had placed myself in a position to sin in that manner again (that, itself, being a sin). However, I had not fallen into the sin again.

Unfortunately, I did fall once more, and I feel absolutely awful about it. I know I need to confess, and do so soon. However, I am wondering about possibly seeing a different priest in a different parish?

I admit that I am partially embarrassed about having fallen again - after having done so well for so long. However, a large part of my concern is actually for my priest’s sake. He respects me in other ways, and he has a good relationship with both me and my wife. He is even going to go to lunch with us both in a couple of weeks. I am concerned that telling him this right now may put him in an awkward situation in being with both me and my wife at the same time. I know he is great at being a confessor - I’m not the least bit concerned about confidentiality, etc… but I know it has to be tough (from a human standpoint) to possibly even look at someone when you know they’ve done something pretty horrible - and must be delicate to then speak with them in the presence of others.

Advice? Is it fine for me to confess to a different priest? I know there are benefits to continuing to be accountable to one priest - but I could possibly accomplish that by resolving to go to the new priest if I were ever to fall again (which I truly intend not to do). I’m just wondering if it might be easier for not only me, but for my parish priest, if I go to a different one for this. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
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While it’s not wrong to go to a different priest, I wouldn’t. This priest knows you, knows your struggles, and is in a better position to give you some real advice. Don’t worry about it souring your relationship with the priest, I doubt it will phase him. Priests hear the worst sins imaginable on a daily basis (or weekly, depending on how often the hold confession). I’ve been good friends with the priest at my old parish for many years, he was my primary confessor and he knew everything I did wrong on a pretty intimate level. It never affected our friendship, and it’s never caused him to question my dedication or my desire to improve.

Don’t sell your priest short, he interacts with the people he hears confession for constantly. He understands that we are all sinners, and we all have struggles that we have to overcome. I’d bet you money that he’d be happier being the one who helps gets you back on track than knowing that your felt the need to go somewhere else for absolution. If your priest is a good priest, he wants to hear your confession, and he wants to absolve you of your sins, because truly there is no greater gift on this earth that can be given to someone than those lovely words “I absolve you of your sins, in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.”

Also, if your sin is the sin I think it is, it is far, far better to have a regular confessor who knows your struggle than to priest hop to avoid embarrassment. Trust me, I know from personal experience.
 
Thank you both for your thoughts. I am inclined (for purposes of “sucking it up” and being a man about it) - to go to my normal parish priest. I am just wondering if perhaps under the circumstances it might make more sense to go elsewhere. In reading another posting from today, where someone asked if they can be vague about their mortal sin, many responders encouraged the poster to go to a Church/priest they don’t know.

Additionally, someone responded:

“Intentionally covering up a mortal sin in confession or trying to mislead the priest is a sacrilege and will invalidate one’s confession. That’s why we shouldn’t have face to face confession Except out of extraordinary circumstances.”

If it is better to remain anonymous, then why would it not make sense for me to go a different priest? Again, I am also concerned about the priest, and the strain this can put on him when speaking with me in front of others. If I confess to a priest outside my regular parish, then that problem doesn’t exist.

Also, keep in mind that I’m not suggesting that I start priest-hopping. If I were to go to a new priest in a different parish, I would have no excuse for not returning to that same priest if I were to fail similarly again. The concerns about the interactions, etc… would not be the same with the new priest.

Again, all just thoughts - and I’m a little confused on all this given the varying responses to similar questions. (two similar responses to my query - but very different responses in the other thread).
 
The ultimate answer is it depends on person to person.

I personally, prefer confessing in the Cathedral, away from my parish. Reason, I do a lot of work with the pastor, so it makes we feel weird.

But because I often confess the same thing over an over again (one thing is unique to my marriage) the priests remember me, even though they don’t see my face.

ultimately, you need to do whatever will help you to be contrite and whatever you think will help you to avoid sin.

God Bless.
 
returned2faith said:
Thank you both for your thoughts. I am inclined (for purposes of “sucking it up” and being a man about it) - to go to my normal parish priest. I am just wondering if perhaps under the circumstances it might make more sense to go elsewhere. In reading another posting from today, where someone asked if they can be vague about their mortal sin, many responders encouraged the poster to go to a Church/priest they don’t know.

Additionally, someone responded:

“Intentionally covering up a mortal sin in confession or trying to mislead the priest is a sacrilege and will invalidate one’s confession. That’s why we shouldn’t have face to face confession Except out of extraordinary circumstances.”

If it is better to remain anonymous, then why would it not make sense for me to go a different priest? Again, I am also concerned about the priest, and the strain this can put on him when speaking with me in front of others. If I confess to a priest outside my regular parish, then that problem doesn’t exist.

Also, keep in mind that I’m not suggesting that I start priest-hopping. If I were to go to a new priest in a different parish, I would have no excuse for not returning to that same priest if I were to fail similarly again. The concerns about the interactions, etc… would not be the same with the new priest.

Again, all just thoughts - and I’m a little confused on all this given the varying responses to similar questions. (two similar responses to my query - but very different responses in the other thread).
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Different circumstances call for different approaches. In this case, you have a priest to whom you’ve already given a detailed confession which covered several years. This makes him more aware of your struggle than a new priest would be. I occasionally go to confession at a parish near where I work because of convenience and time constraints during regular confession hours. While the priest there does give me absolution, and it’s perfectly valid, my regular confessor goes beyond that and gives me advice based on where he knows I am. It’s a much more personal experience, and ultimately more useful to me spiritually.

I’d guess that the person receiving the advice you quotes did not already have a regular confessor they were familiar with and who was familiar with them. In that case, it doesn’t really matter where they go because the level of personal knowledge is pretty much the same regardless. In your case, where the priest is familiar with you, your family, and your struggle; the degree of difference is substantial, and should be considered.

As for the admonition against face-to-face confession, that’s more of a personal thing than a requirement. More people are comfortable doing confession behind a screen than face to face. I used to have face to face confession, but have started confessing behind the screen because it makes it easier for me to focus on my sins rather than watching the priest’s reaction. I go often enough, and my voice is distinct enough, that the priest knows when it’s me >_>. Neither form is more valid than the other.

As for your worry about putting strain on the priest, well, don’t worry about it, because you’re not. Unless you’re confessing murder or some form of abuse (both of which cases would likely require you to come forward about what you’ve done prior to receiving absolution), your priest has heard it before from countless others. Even if you confess face to face, there’s a good chance he won’t remember the particulars of your confession due to the number of people priests hear confession from, and the repetitious nature of sin.

EDIT: If you’re confessing cheating on your wife, then I’d probably go to a different priest…

Ultimately, it is up to you. You won’t be any less forgiven for going to a different priest; but unless you fill that other priest in on the struggle you’ve had throughout your life, the priest you did that first confession to will pretty much always be in a better position to help, especially if you’re friends.

This is my opinion on the subject, and i’m sure some would disagree, but the advice I receive from the priest who is my friend is almost always better than what I receive from other priests.
 
You can go to any priest you want to go to, especially if you feel strange going to the one you usually go to.
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Aside from this issue, I have often wondered how people can tell awful sins they committed, and then I wonder how they could NOT tell them. Either way it is very hard.

I think some of the most despicable sins are ones of deliberate cruelty.
 
The key is to get in the box, and realize the graces that come from the act of going and absolution.

So many people don’t go because of comfort levels for various reasons, so whatever gets you over the comfort wall to get in is what matters.

That might be going to the same person always, might not…

I think it is best to go to different priests.

Just as the Eucharist is shared in all churches, so is confession. We don’t target one priest for the Eucharist reception.

Going to a priest who doesn’t know you to ensure you are not hesitant to cover all your sins and have a good confession is a good thing.

No need to consider it ‘manning up’ to go to the priest that knows you. We all build different types of relationships with different people and in our work in the Church that includes priests.

There is no priest that will be offended you didn’t go to him.

I’ve had periods in my life where I’ve had a ‘confessor’, and I have some ‘favorites’ for the discussion I wish could last longer than a quick few minutes. But if I tried to target my favorite, I might never get to the box.

Take care,

Mike
 
Which priest you go to doesn’t matter. Every priest administering the sacraments are acting in persona Christi, so while Priest A or Priest B may be in front of you, you are not confessing to them, but to Christ, himself.

now about the matter of which will give you"better" advice, one priest’s advice is not superior to another, for the words he offers will come to him from the Holy Spirit… Just as God promised in the OT and Jesus promised in the New Testamentt when people feared they would not know what to say when witnessing.
 
returned2faith said:
Thank you both for your thoughts. I am inclined (for purposes of “sucking it up” and being a man about it) - to go to my normal parish priest. I am just wondering if perhaps under the circumstances it might make more sense to go elsewhere. In reading another posting from today, where someone asked if they can be vague about their mortal sin, many responders encouraged the poster to go to a Church/priest they don’t know.

Additionally, someone responded:

“Intentionally covering up a mortal sin in confession or trying to mislead the priest is a sacrilege and will invalidate one’s confession. That’s why we shouldn’t have face to face confession Except out of extraordinary circumstances.”

If it is better to remain anonymous, then why would it not make sense for me to go a different priest? Again, I am also concerned about the priest, and the strain this can put on him when speaking with me in front of others. If I confess to a priest outside my regular parish, then that problem doesn’t exist.

Also, keep in mind that I’m not suggesting that I start priest-hopping. If I were to go to a new priest in a different parish, I would have no excuse for not returning to that same priest if I were to fail similarly again. The concerns about the interactions, etc… would not be the same with the new priest.

Again, all just thoughts - and I’m a little confused on all this given the varying responses to similar questions. (two similar responses to my query - but very different responses in the other thread).
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Here’s my two cents (and feel free to keep the change). 🙂

I think going to a regular confessor is generally a good idea, since over time, he may be able to tailor his advice based on your own personal, unique struggles.

However, if you are, for whatever reason, uncomfortable going to your regular confessor in this specific instance, there is absolutely no reason to be ashamed of going to a different parish to make a confession.

Remember, when we go to confession, we are celebrating a Sacrament through which God forgives our sins and we are reconciled with His Holy Church. The forgiveness and grace we receive comes from Jesus Christ, regardless of which priest grants the absolution.

The important thing, first and foremost, is that we do not let our insecurities, guilt, or shame keep us from making a confession at all.
 
Thank you again everyone so much for all your thoughts.

I am curious about a couple of things. 1 - to the person who said “Edit: if this involves cheating on your wife, I would go to another priest.” - (or something of that nature). I am curious as to why that would make a difference - in your opinion?

2 - As I am new to this, I am curious also about how confessions take place at various churches. What I mean is, at a nice church downtown near where I work - they have confession every day before the noontime mass. However, it only lists confession as being available for 15 minutes each day. In my experience, even when I don’t have anything too major to report, it takes at least 10 minutes. If there are more than a couple of people in line, how would anyone ever get in?

At my church, they only have confession twice a week, but they will keep it open basically as long as anyone is in line.

I’m just wondering how it tends to work elsewhere? If I go downtown to the one that supposedly lasts only 15 minutes, and I need longer, I wonder what would happen?
 
returned2faith said:
Thank you again everyone so much for all your thoughts.

I am curious about a couple of things. 1 - to the person who said “Edit: if this involves cheating on your wife, I would go to another priest.” - (or something of that nature). I am curious as to why that would make a difference - in your opinion?

2 - As I am new to this, I am curious also about how confessions take place at various churches. What I mean is, at a nice church downtown near where I work - they have confession every day before the noontime mass. However, it only lists confession as being available for 15 minutes each day. In my experience, even when I don’t have anything too major to report, it takes at least 10 minutes. If there are more than a couple of people in line, how would anyone ever get in?

At my church, they only have confession twice a week, but they will keep it open basically as long as anyone is in line.

I’m just wondering how it tends to work elsewhere? If I go downtown to the one that supposedly lasts only 15 minutes, and I need longer, I wonder what would happen?
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At my church, confession is regularly scheduled for a half-hour once weekly, and there is usually no problem in accommodating the 6 or 7 people that generally show up.

If the parish downtown you are talking about only schedules confession for 15 minutes each day, they may be used to low turnout or may even have more than one priest hearing confessions.

You will also notice that most parishes on their websites and in their bulletins offer confessions “any time by appointment.” If you are worried about time, or if you can’t make the regularly scheduled time, call the parish and see if you can schedule a different time.

Here’s a quote from the web site of a church near where I work that I think is pretty cool: While there are regularly scheduled times for the sacrament of reconciliation, please always feel free to approach one of the priests and ask for the sacrament. If the priest cannot hear your confession at that moment, he will meet with you as soon as he can. The priests want to make themselves as available to you as they can, and celebrating the sacrament of reconciliation is one of the most important things that they do.
 
You only need to state your sins and in the case of mortal sin the number of times you committed it. Anything else depends on what the priest may ask and that priest’s advice. Maybe the priest you normally go to likes to talk or there are normally just a few people to give confession to at that church. That may be a reason your confessions take so long. Normally I can get in and out in a couple minutes. That is the same if I have a mortal sin to confess.

Edit: If you want more advice I would recommend making an appointment with a priest. It’s fairer to the people in line behind you.
 
For the confession times questions - it’s all over the place, pending priest availability, etc.

You can always call and schedule a half hour meeting with a priest, too!

I try to go during the week to a Church that does it after a noon mass each day.

But there is another church with wed. evening and Saturday afternoon.

With regard to amount of time taking in the box, going more frequently helps cut down on time. I go weekly or try for every two weeks.

But you will find that the priest will move at his pace, too.

Take care,

Mike
 
I understand your concern. Although priests have heard it all, we are human beings and it is normal to feel awkward in certain situation. Whether to confess to the priest you and your wife are both so familiar with or go to a different church to do so, is totally your own judgment call. There is nothing wrong to go to another priest.

If you are resolved to sin no more in the same area, and just want to confess and be right with God, it may be a good idea to avoid the embarrassment. You can go to another priest who does not know you to unload the burden of your conscience, and still go to your regular confessor afterwards for confessions in the future. If you will feel any awkwardness with your familiar priest after this confession, it is better to avoid it even nothing changes on the priest’s part. That is my suggestion.
 
returned2faith said:
Thank you again everyone so much for all your thoughts.

I am curious about a couple of things. 1 - to the person who said “Edit: if this involves cheating on your wife, I would go to another priest.” - (or something of that nature). I am curious as to why that would make a difference - in your opinion?

2 - As I am new to this, I am curious also about how confessions take place at various churches. What I mean is, at a nice church downtown near where I work - they have confession every day before the noontime mass. However, it only lists confession as being available for 15 minutes each day. In my experience, even when I don’t have anything too major to report, it takes at least 10 minutes. If there are more than a couple of people in line, how would anyone ever get in?

At my church, they only have confession twice a week, but they will keep it open basically as long as anyone is in line.

I’m just wondering how it tends to work elsewhere? If I go downtown to the one that supposedly lasts only 15 minutes, and I need longer, I wonder what would happen?
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It varies from parish to parish. My own parish is a commuter parish; we come from all around and have scheduled confessions only on Sunday mornings, but any time can be arranged by appointment. My own confession times vary greatly. If I come on a Sunday morning, there are usually others waiting and the Divine Liturgy needs to start on time, so the time is more limited. I would say usually takes 5 minutes or so, but Father is careful to give it the time that each person needs. I generally make an appointment, because I like to have the extra time and because it is hard for me to get to church early on a Sunday morning, with a bunch of little kids in tow. When I have an appointment, confession can last anywhere from 5 minutes to an hour. Obviously, if it lasts an hour, there is some spiritual direction going on as well.

At the parish closest to me, confessions are heard from 3-4 and 7-8 on Saturdays. There are usually 2-3 priest hearing confessions and long lines. Some lines move much faster than others, because some priests tend to take more or less time, give more advice, etc. It is nice to have options.

At the Cathedral, confessions are heard daily, for 1/2 hour before the 12:15 Mass. The cathedral is located downtown, so there’s a lot of walk-in traffic. I’ve been there several times, and there is always a short line, 2-3 people. Even if Mass starts, the priest will keep hearing confessions until the line is gone.
 
I have not been able to go to my parish priest for confession. I go to a parish, nearby. I tend to have anxiety when going to confession. I need to write it down, or I blank a lot. I do not like our confessional. We have a curtain, not a door, for privacy. I do not recall any light in there.(Have not been in there, since I was a child) In the church I confess at, I like their confessionals. It is nice and roomy, lit up, so I can see my list.

I was gone from church for a long time. I still have some old sins that seem to surface that I forgot about, in spite of doing examination of conscience at time of confession. I do not think I could go to my parish priest. I would be too embarrassed. I like the anonymity of confession. So, for me, it is a neighbor church.

IMHO, you should go to where you can make the best confession.
 
ineeda said:
I have not been able to go to my parish priest for confession. I go to a parish, nearby. I tend to have anxiety when going to confession. I need to write it down, or I blank a lot. I do not like our confessional. We have a curtain, not a door, for privacy. I do not recall any light in there.(Have not been in there, since I was a child) In the church I confess at, I like their confessionals. It is nice and roomy, lit up, so I can see my list.

I was gone from church for a long time. I still have some old sins that seem to surface that I forgot about, in spite of doing examination of conscience at time of confession. I do not think I could go to my parish priest. I would be too embarrassed. I like the anonymity of confession. So, for me, it is a neighbor church.
**
IMHO, you should go to where you can make the best confession**.
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This, of course, is the best answer. 👍

It is a wonderful blessing, however, to have options.

I also have trouble with anxiety and confession, but my solution has been the opposite of yours. I go to a confessor who knows me well because my anxiety is exacerbated by baring my soul to a stranger. I usually have an appointment, or go at a time when I know that we won’t be rushed.
 
I’ve often gone to another priest for confession most of the time due to my work schedule issues. When I had Saturday mornings off, it was easier to go in the mornings as things did not seem to be as rushed compared to going before Mass starting. My current parish priest is on sabbatical for a few months so me and others must seek out a different priest for the sacrament for now. To me, honestly it does not matter which priest I go to for the sacrament.
 
If your regular confessor is like most priests with whom I have known (Orthodox and Catholic), they will be glorifying God for your wonderful courage and boldness to confess even sins that are embarrassing. As I’ve heard said a few times, “be ashamed when you sin, not when you confess!”

That said, it’s far more important to actually confess, especially if the sin is serious, so if this truly has you torn up in knots, then by all means confess to whomever you are able.

You are getting wonderful advice in this thread from the other posts.
 
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