Going to Church When Husband doesn't approve

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Hello! Sorry if this question seems silly, but I am wondering about going to Church on Sunday when your husband doesn’t approve of going to Church. I’ve done it in the past and I feel very guilty about it. I want to start going to Church every Sunday (and take the kids), but my husband is not religious and will not approve of us going. I am conflicted because then I feel like not going to Church is committing a sin, but then I feel like going to Church behind my husband’s back is also committing a sin. I’m not sure what to do in the situation. (Never mind that I have a 4 year old who can’t sit still and a 5 month old who is a screamer). It all feels a little hopeless. I want to feel good about going to Church and not feel like I have to hide anything. My husband did not grow up Catholic, though I did. I feel like if I am bringing my children to Church I am somehow betraying my husband and I don’t want to do that either. But I feel like I need Church in my life. So I’m not certain what to do anymore.
 
Sounds like you two needed to have a “Come to Jesus” meeting before the marriage began. Did you all attend the Pre-Cana program? If so, it explains a lot and he could have bailed at that time.

As for the 4 yr old squirmer and the baby screamer. Most if not all parishes, have a nursery school for the kids. I had a squirmer, and she was more than happy to go to the nursery and play with kids and color pictures of Jesus and Mary while I attended Mass. When she went to Kindergarten we went to Mass together after having “the talk” before.

As infants, I didn’t take them to Mass at all. My preference.
 
Have you actually asked your husband if he would mind you going or if he would mind you taking the children? I couldn’t tell from the OP.

You might consider, if you haven’t asked him yet, how to handle objections he may have. If it’s that Mass would interrupt other family activities, try to find a time that wouldn’t, or if you normally run errands then, offer to stop on the way home so it’s one less trip out.

I would also emphasize to him how important it is to you, and acknowledge that it may come as a surprise to him. I would start with just you going, too. Have some conversations about what the two of you want for your children’s faith life before figuring out how to manage them at Mass.
 
No we did not go to Church when we were dating. He is from a Jewish background and is currently non-religious. He thinks going to Church is silly. He has come with me for a Confirmation and First Communion for family members, but makes a huge fuss about going. I know if I started going every week he would think it is stupid. Before we were married, I thought I was okay with raising a non-religious family, but recent experiences have changed my mind (so really I am at fault here for the mind changing.)

That said we go to my parents’ house for a visit on Saturday evening so maybe the 4:30-5:30 mass on the way to Grandma’s house would be easier than Sunday morning as we are already planning on leaving so going out isn’t out of character. I still feel bad though about going when we previously said we were not going to participate in either religions.

ETA: the Nursery is a good idea, but the 4 year old doesn’t like being in a nursery (I’ve never been able to leave him with anyone aside from my mom) and the 5 month old is exclusively breast fed and cannot physically take a bottle (he is also tongue tied so I can’t predict when he will want to eat. Even if I feed him before the service, he could want to nurse 15 minutes later), so neither would do well in the nursery environment. :\ The Church we had gone to in the past doesn’t even have a crying room, though we were thinking about going to a different Church that does have one.
 
art1927 said:
Hello! Sorry if this question seems silly, but I am wondering about going to Church on Sunday when your husband doesn’t approve of going to Church. I’ve done it in the past and I feel very guilty about it. I want to start going to Church every Sunday (and take the kids), but my husband is not religious and will not approve of us going. I am conflicted because then I feel like not going to Church is committing a sin, but then I feel like going to Church behind my husband’s back is also committing a sin. I’m not sure what to do in the situation. (Never mind that I have a 4 year old who can’t sit still and a 5 month old who is a screamer). It all feels a little hopeless. I want to feel good about going to Church and not feel like I have to hide anything. My husband did not grow up Catholic, though I did. I feel like if I am bringing my children to Church I am somehow betraying my husband and I don’t want to do that either. But I feel like I need Church in my life. So I’m not certain what to do anymore.
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Hello to you!

I can totally relate to your story. I am married to a non-religious Jewish man who is not thrilled about me going to church or when I would take the kids to church when they were little. Our children are older now and he still grumbles but knows the routine.

I made up my mind when my children were small to take them to church with me. The times I did not take them to church my husband would take them to the park, McDonald’s, let them watch cartoons, etc. in order to try to outdo their church experience. It is sad to say, but true.

I had a squirmer, a screamer, and a newborn with reflux. But, I took them anyway. I either stood in the back with them or in the cry room. I went every Sunday, no matter how hard it was, praying for strength to get through the getting ready time and then mass.

Is there a way you can take them to mass on Saturday evenings?

I quickly learned not to rely on my husband for help getting the kids ready for mass and to not tell him how hard it was when the kids were crying, etc.

Pray to the Holy Spirit for the words to say to your husband when discussing this matter and try to stay upbeat when getting the kids ready for mass and when you come home for church.

We have been married almost 22 years and our four children go to mass every Sunday without complaint and we just giggle when he criticizes our decision to be religious. And I can honestly say I am where I am today with my children and their religious formation because of the decision I made when they were little to persevere when I had no support.

I am praying for you!! 🙂
 
You are being generously accomodating to be the one who feels guilty. Your husband is belittling your faith and trying to dissuade you from following your conscience, after all. You do not feel that he is obliged to believe the truth. Why would you be obliged to pretend the truth is not true because he will make life hard on you if you don’t? If he wanted to attend synagogue, after all, would you think it OK to complain about it or make it hard for him to do it?

You might feel better about this if you gently but plainly advocated on your own behalf and thanked him very much not to put obstacles between you, your beliefs, and your conscience. Point out that you would not do that to him. If he hears you put it that way, he may come to see his behavior in a different light, and lighten up.
 
art1927 said:
Hello! Sorry if this question seems silly, but I am wondering about going to Church on Sunday when your husband doesn’t approve of going to Church. I’ve done it in the past and I feel very guilty about it. I want to start going to Church every Sunday (and take the kids), but my husband is not religious and will not approve of us going. I am conflicted because then I feel like not going to Church is committing a sin, but then I feel like going to Church behind my husband’s back is also committing a sin. I’m not sure what to do in the situation. (Never mind that I have a 4 year old who can’t sit still and a 5 month old who is a screamer). It all feels a little hopeless. I want to feel good about going to Church and not feel like I have to hide anything. My husband did not grow up Catholic, though I did. I feel like if I am bringing my children to Church I am somehow betraying my husband and I don’t want to do that either. But I feel like I need Church in my life. So I’m not certain what to do anymore.
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Go to Church and take the kids. If your husband doesn’t like it, that’s just too bad for the old lunk head. Your number one job is to save your own soul and those of your children if possible. You should not feel guilty about going and taking the kids with you.

Linus2nd
 
Dear OP,
when you married, did you promise not to grow or change in any way? Did you promise not to leave old faults behind and not try to be a better person?
Perhaps if you tell your husband you are following your conscience he will be more accommodating. I hope you will follow lax16’s example and take the children anyway.It is hard when your spouse doesn’t agree, but it will be much harder when the children have grown and gone and you have lost the chance to share Christ with them.
 
You are not obligated to sin for your spouse–in fact, you are not to sin even if your spouse tells you to. I would, however, discuss with a priest your obligation to attend Mass (and in particular, what your obligation is in bringing your children to Mass–can you wait until they are a bit older, for instance?) and how best to go about meeting that obligation if your husband is completely against it.

Yet, while I agree that you should try to get to Mass even if your husband does not want you to go, I don’t think that you should do it with a disrespectful attitude toward your husband. That will not help your marriage or your stress level, nor will it give your husband a positive impression of the Church (and may push him further away). It also may make things even more difficult for you when/if you are tempted to “skip” Mass some Sunday.

I agree with Monicad’s approach. Be gentle and patient in approaching this with him, and ask what he thinks. Really listen to what he says, and give yourself time to consider his meaning–remember that your goal is to understand how he feels, not to “win” him over to your way of thinking (at least not right away, lol). Let him see you living your faith, being a better wife and mother, being respectful, patient, loving, forgiving, apologizing when you offend, etc. As St. Francis is credited with saying, “Preach the Gospels. Use words if necessary.” 😉

If he simply thinks going to Mass is “silly,” then I’d guess he would not truly object to your going (women often do things men consider “silly”) if it’s important to you, as long as you minimize his personal inconvenience due to your attendance. If, however, he has a real objection to you going for some other reason (or a problem with you taking the kids), then that might take some gentle persuasion, time, and perhaps a compromise.

But please don’t go in marching in with a, “I’m going to do this whether or not you like it” kind of attitude. Even if it’s true. 😉

Will pray for you. :gopray2:
 
Linusthe2nd said:
Go to Church and take the kids. If your husband doesn’t like it, that’s just too bad for the old lunk head. Your number one job is to save your own soul and those of your children if possible. You should not feel guilty about going and taking the kids with you.

Linus2nd
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She is married, so it is her concern to handle this in a way that recognizes that the Lord thirsts for the soul of “Old Lunk Head,” too, and not just her own soul and the souls of the children. We all ought to be concerned about the salvation of our spouses, Catholic or not, and we need to act in a way that will not harden their hearts against the faith, if we can.

She might be interested in the story of Servant of God Elisabeth Leseur
clairval.com/lettres/en/2011/02/22/2250211.htm
 
lax16 said:
We have been married almost 22 years and our four children go to mass every Sunday without complaint and we just giggle when he criticizes our decision to be religious. And I can honestly say I am where I am today with my children and their religious formation because of the decision I made when they were little to persevere when I had no support.

I am praying for you!! 🙂
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This is very encouraging. I am in the same boat and it is good to hear that things can work out well. there is nothing in this world that scares me more then my children rejecting the faith and ending up atheist. 😦
 
pensmama87 said:
Have you actually asked your husband if he would mind you going or if he would mind you taking the children? I couldn’t tell from the OP.

You might consider, if you haven’t asked him yet, how to handle objections he may have. If it’s that Mass would interrupt other family activities, try to find a time that wouldn’t, or if you normally run errands then, offer to stop on the way home so it’s one less trip out.

I would also emphasize to him how important it is to you, and acknowledge that it may come as a surprise to him. I would start with just you going, too. Have some conversations about what the two of you want for your children’s faith life before figuring out how to manage them at Mass.
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pensmama87 - I join the site today after more than a year of lurking just to say thank you for your reply to OP.

art1927 - to a non-religious person you are renegotiaring the marital contract. Make sure to listen first and do what you can to keep the conversations safe for your husband. Be completely open and honest and don’t hide any actions.

If you haven’t already, invite him to go to mass with you, invite him to share the experience with you by your side. If you found a restaurant or park that was really cool you would want to share it with your spouse, right? Tell him you want to share something that you have rediscovered that is (to you) very beautiful. There’s a lot of history and ancient ceremony in religion that even non-believers can still admire and find beauty in. He may want to explore church together if he feels your goal is to build up your marriage (and it is, right?) and do something together as a family.

Are your kids baptized?
 
lax16 said:
Hello to you!

I can totally relate to your story. I am married to a non-religious Jewish man who is not thrilled about me going to church or when I would take the kids to church when they were little. Our children are older now and he still grumbles but knows the routine.

I made up my mind when my children were small to take them to church with me. The times I did not take them to church my husband would take them to the park, McDonald’s, let them watch cartoons, etc. in order to try to outdo their church experience. It is sad to say, but true.

I had a squirmer, a screamer, and a newborn with reflux. But, I took them anyway. I either stood in the back with them or in the cry room. I went every Sunday, no matter how hard it was, praying for strength to get through the getting ready time and then mass.

Is there a way you can take them to mass on Saturday evenings?

I quickly learned not to rely on my husband for help getting the kids ready for mass and to not tell him how hard it was when the kids were crying, etc.

Pray to the Holy Spirit for the words to say to your husband when discussing this matter and try to stay upbeat when getting the kids ready for mass and when you come home for church.

We have been married almost 22 years and our four children go to mass every Sunday without complaint and we just giggle when he criticizes our decision to be religious. And I can honestly say I am where I am today with my children and their religious formation because of the decision I made when they were little to persevere when I had no support.

I am praying for you!! 🙂
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Good for you! Very impressed with your attitude.👍
 
Art,

I grew up in a family in which my mother went to church, but my father did not. Also, my sister is currently in a similar situations to yours. You need to be firm in going to church every single Sunday. Do not ask your husband for permission but simply explain to him, calmly and with a kind and loving attitude, that this is what you are going to do from now on because it is very important to you. I assume that your husband cares for you and although he might think your new found faith is silly and going to church is stupid, he will not lock you at home on Sundays. Be accommodating in the time you choose to go to mass and do it in the way that will inconvenience him the least - if Saturday evening works better for your family than Sunday, go on Saturday. This will not be easy and it will cause some friction in your marriage. It has most certainly caused friction between my parents as well as in my sister’s marriage. My father, however, goes to church now (took many many years and many prayers) and my brother in law tolerates my sister’s church going. I believe that in the end, their marriages are better for it. Also, pray for your husband.
 
Thank you everyone for the great responses! I have to update you on what happened!

The day after I posted this, my husband came home from work and told me they would be out late on Friday night because they (he, his boss and co-worker) were taking his mother to a church about an hour away. There is a person speaking there (a Jewish person speaking, why his mother is going, though the boss and co-worker are Christian is how they knew) and they are taking her because there has been a lot of negative things happening in her life and she could use some of the positivity.

I used this as a point to say I think we could all use more positivity in our lives and I feel like I should be going to Church every week with the kids. He is still a non-believer, so he was a little put off by it, but said that the only reason to go is to network. So I said it doesn’t hurt to have a network or sense of community. So now he has agreed to us going! It’s just incredible that the day after I tried to find an answer to our predicament, a way all it’s own is given. And we don’t have to sneak about going or try to keep the kids from talking about going at home. I am still sort of amazed! Thanks everyone who provided suggestions and support! I’m feeling so good about this decision to go! 🙂
 
art1927 said:
Thank you everyone for the great responses! I have to update you on what happened!

The day after I posted this, my husband came home from work and told me they would be out late on Friday night because they (he, his boss and co-worker) were taking his mother to a church about an hour away. There is a person speaking there (a Jewish person speaking, why his mother is going, though the boss and co-worker are Christian is how they knew) and they are taking her because there has been a lot of negative things happening in her life and she could use some of the positivity.

I used this as a point to say I think we could all use more positivity in our lives and I feel like I should be going to Church every week with the kids. He is still a non-believer, so he was a little put off by it, but said that the only reason to go is to network. So I said it doesn’t hurt to have a network or sense of community. So now he has agreed to us going! It’s just incredible that the day after I tried to find an answer to our predicament, a way all it’s own is given. And we don’t have to sneak about going or try to keep the kids from talking about going at home. I am still sort of amazed! Thanks everyone who provided suggestions and support! I’m feeling so good about this decision to go! 🙂
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Awesome! Keep up the prayers!! 🙂
 
Good news, art1927! I am glad that your husband has agreed to this arrangement. I agree with the other respondent who said that you just need to persevere and not have any expectations of great support. I used to haul all the little ones with me by myself, as difficult as it sometimes was. Now he will often keep the baby home, and he is encouraging in getting the older ones to get ready, etc.

Over the years, with my husband having similar feelings, we have progressed from open hostility, to silent tolerance, to occasional participation on his part. I was the same as you in that I wondered about how to avoid family disharmony while fulfilling my Sunday obligation. It can be done, mostly by just making it a normal part of life and not allowing it to be a point of argument. I found that if I just didn’t respond to any arguments or have any expectations, then eventually the hostility subsided. If I just packed everyone up and made as many advance preparations as necessary so that he wasn’t involved at all during the hostile period, there were fewer issues.
 
art1927 said:
Hello! Sorry if this question seems silly, but I am wondering about going to Church on Sunday when your husband doesn’t approve of going to Church. I’ve done it in the past and I feel very guilty about it. I want to start going to Church every Sunday (and take the kids), but my husband is not religious and will not approve of us going. I am conflicted because then I feel like not going to Church is committing a sin, but then I feel like going to Church behind my husband’s back is also committing a sin. I’m not sure what to do in the situation. (Never mind that I have a 4 year old who can’t sit still and a 5 month old who is a screamer). It all feels a little hopeless. I want to feel good about going to Church and not feel like I have to hide anything. My husband did not grow up Catholic, though I did. I feel like if I am bringing my children to Church I am somehow betraying my husband and I don’t want to do that either. But I feel like I need Church in my life. So I’m not certain what to do anymore.
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You are his wife, not his child. He can’t stop you from going to church. I’d personally tell my husband that he was welcome to come, or he was welcome to stay home, but that I would be going to Mass if I were in your shoes.
 
What are you going to do if his Jewish spirituality reawakens and he wishes the family also goes to minyan?
 
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