Good clean catholic Jokes

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Not exactly a good joke…

A little boy was listening to a long and excessively boring sermon in church. Suddenly his eye the red sanctuary lamp caught his eye. Tugging his father’s sleeve, he said, “Daddy, when the light turns green can we go?”
 
A Ukrainian Greek Catholic deacon decided to play Final Fantasy IV for the first time. When he got to the part when Edward and Tellah meet, Tellah calls Edward “You spoony bard!”

Later, the priest asked him, “Can you please get that liturgical spoon for me?” The deacon stood frozen, still remembering that moment of the spoony bard.

/runs :o
 
GEddie said:
A Vatican flunky runs up to the Pope.

“Your Holiness,” he gasps, “I have some good news and some bad news; the good news is, Our LORD Himself is calling you on the overseas telephone!”

“Surely that is very good news indeed”, HH replies. “What could be the bad news?”

“Your Holiness, HE is calling from Salt Lake City.”
Click to expand...
Careful…Someone might accuse you of “Catholic Bashing.”
 
Crescentinus, that was GREAT.

Sadly, i doubt most of the people here have played FFIV.
 
Thanks everyone for these jokes 😃

I especially like those by JPS, GEddie, and manualman (I found yours very funny lol) 😃
 
GEddie said:
A man goes to Confession in Northern Ireland about 40 years ago:

“Bless me Father for I have sinned; last night I blew up fifty miles of British railroad track.”

The priest answered: “My son, for penance you must do the stations”.
Click to expand...
:rotfl:

No, seriously. I Lol’d. So funny!
 
Mary arrived at the pearly gates and immediately said “I assume this is Heaven?”
 
An American tourist in Dublin asks a local citizen: “Is Irish whiskey REALLY strong?”

The Irishman answered him: “Aye, it’s very strong; last Saturday night after only 2 Irish whiskies, I went to 7am Mass.”

“What’s so unique about that,” the American inquired.

The Irishman replied: “I’m Jewish!”
 
THE BIBLE ACCORDING TO KIDS

(The jewels found below are said to be written by actual
students and are genuine, authentic, and unretouched. Compiled
by Richard Lederer. They appear in the 12/31/95 issue of
National Review.)

“In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of
creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which
the animals come on to in pears.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.”

“Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards,
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.”

The first commandement was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The
seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.”

“Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the
Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the
Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed
him.”

Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.”

“When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the
Magna Carta.”

“Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to
others before they do one to you. He also explained, ‘a man
doth not live by sweat alone.’“

“It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to
get the tombstone off the entrance.”

“The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.”

“The epistles were the wives of the apostles.”

“One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.”
 
Viki63 said:
THE BIBLE ACCORDING TO KIDS

(The jewels found below are said to be written by actual
students and are genuine, authentic, and unretouched. Compiled
by Richard Lederer. They appear in the 12/31/95 issue of
National Review.)

“In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of
creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which
the animals come on to in pears.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.”

“Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards,
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.”

The first commandement was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The
seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.”

“Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the
Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the
Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed
him.”

Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.”

“When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the
Magna Carta.”

“Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to
others before they do one to you. He also explained, ‘a man
doth not live by sweat alone.’“

“It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to
get the tombstone off the entrance.”

“The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.”

“The epistles were the wives of the apostles.”

“One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.”
Click to expand...
Hahahahaha! The 12 Opossums! :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

I like “the 12 decibels” too. Sounds like a good band name. These are hilarious.

“Do one to others before they do one to you.” LOL :rolleyes:
 
Protestants don’t recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ.
Jews don’t recognize Jesus as the God made Man.
Mormans don’t recognize each other Saturday night at the Bar!😃
 
There was a Rich man who was not sure what Religion was the correct one. So to be sure he went to the Jewish Rabbi, the Catholic Priest and the Protestant Preacher.

He said I will give you all ten thousand dollars, with one condition, when I die you put it in my casket.

So he dies the Protestant Preacher does tons of dinners etc to raise the money.

The Catholic Priest has Bingo every night of the week to raise the money.

The Jewish Rabbi just sits around doing nothing.

So the Preacher walks in with a bag of money all ones tens twentys.

Then the Priest walks in with all bills also.

So they see eachother and say where is the Rabbi, they say wait here he comes. So they hid around the corner and watch him come in.’

They discuss how hard they worked etc, and wonder why the Rabbi was not worried.

So the Rabbi walks in, picks up the 2 bags of Money gets out his check book writes a check for 30,000 and walks out!:eek:
 
Three seminarians have a free afternoon and, in honor of St. Peter, decide to go fishing. They get into a boat and pull out about 100 feet from shore.

After an hour or so one says to the others that he has made a vow to pray the Divine Office at exactly 3 PM each day. It was almost time but he had left his Book of Christian Prayer on shore. He then steps out of the boat, walks across the water and returns with the book, almost dry shod.

Somewhat later the second seminarian says that he has notes for a sermon he would like to share with the others but those are also on shore. He gets out of the boat, retrieves his notes and return with his shoes barely wet.

The third seminarian is amazed and thinks that if those other two can walk on water surely he has enough faith to do so as well. He makes some excuse, gets out of the boat and sinks like a stone.

The first seminarian turns the the second and says “I guess we should have told him about the sand bar!”
 
A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man’s tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked ‘Say Father, what causes arthritis?’ The priest replies ‘My son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man’ ‘Well I’ll be darned’ the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper.

The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologized. ‘I’m sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?’

‘I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.’
 
An American tourist stood by the Wailing Wall of Jerusalem.

Seeing a Rabbi leaning his head on the ancient stones, he asked him what he prayed for at that sacred place.

“I pray for peace and understanding in this land and among its three faiths,” the Rabbi said.

“How does that make you feel,” the American persisted.

“Like I’m talking to a wall.”
 
Priest asks the rabbi: Why don’t you eat any ham?

Rabbi says to priest: It’s against my religion.

Rabbi asks priest: Why won’t you go out with a woman?

Priest says: It’s against MY religion.

Rabbi says: You outta try…it’s better than ham.
 
GEddie said:
A Vatican flunky runs up to the Pope.

“Your Holiness,” he gasps, “I have some good news and some bad news; the good news is, Our LORD Himself is calling you on the overseas telephone!”

“Surely that is very good news indeed”, HH replies. “What could be the bad news?”

“Your Holiness, HE is calling from Salt Lake City.”
Click to expand...
:rotfl::rotfl:
 
The Government has mandated the termination of the most dangerous TOY to Catholics.

It’s part of term limits.

The

Obama

Years
 
:hmmm:How many pro-choice Catholics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

🤷 Hard to tell.

They prefer living in darkness … :sleep:

… and screwing UP their souls. :bigyikes:
 
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