Good Evening, New and confused

  • Thread starter Thread starter lostsoul3
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
L

lostsoul3

Guest
Hello, I have a lot on my plate right now and I don’t know where to turn. It’s related to family and tremendous difficutlies my Dh and I are are going through right now. I want “answers” but I don’t like what I’ve heard from both my family and his own family which are two completely different views of the whole situation, It has left me even more confused. A lot has happened to Dh in this last year and he needs help, Things are ok now but he has fallen off the wagon a lot and I’ve chosen to take him back over and over. I dont’ want to leave him b/c I see that man I fell in love with underneath all that hurt. My family wants me to leave, His family tells me to stick it out and stay strong. I’ve learned over the years that my family is about appearances a lot so I feel a lot of discomfort about that, OTOH his own family is in denial about some things too. We have kids and what I want more than anything is a stable life and safety and I provide that for them. There’s something about divorce I just can’t face and I’ve been trying to pray on this. I remember going to confession a couple months and taking this all to God too, The priest asked me some deep questions and I told him I didn’t know Dh’s state of mind but maybe I was in denial, The priest told me that I sholdn’t leave yet and encouraged me to stay strong as well. So here I am as confused now as I was then. I don’t like the advice I’ve been getting and I’ve been trying to follow my gut but that’s not working either. Is there a time when you know it’s time to quit? Or do you continue praying and forgiving b/c that’s what Jesus did - I often ask myself, WWJD WWJD but to no avail. Thanks a lot for reading.

Happy Easter.
 
If by “off the wagon” you are referring to him being an alcoholic, then he needs to go to AA and you need to go to Al-Anon, pronto. You need prrofessional help.

Regardless of what it is, you absolutely MUST stop talking about your marital problems with both families.

If you or your children are in physical or psychological danger, yes it is time to get out.
 
Why don’t you go back to your priest and talk with him? I don’t think there are enough details here to fully understand the situation.
 
Soren_Itenu said:
By fallen off the wagon, do you mean he’s an alcoholic?
Click to expand...
Yes, It’s alchohol but it’s also his mental state of mind over the last year that started before he started really abusing alchohol too! It’s placed our relationship in a spin cycle and I didn’t know where to turn hence the reach for my family. I only just recently talked to his mother about b/c of a DWI and I thought it was time to get her in the loop. I’m an enabler and I’m co-dependent I know that and I know I need to change those ways for my kids which I think I’m doing! I just want a sign I guess. I want to know if this really is the right thing to continue doing.
 
Unfortunately we cannot advise you on specifics here, but I’d say get an impartial mediator, not a family member.
 
Lostsoul3,
If its not apparent to you already, the Internet is not the place to turn for serious, immediate help. Like 1ke said, seek professional help. And stop talking like divorce is an option, if your Catholic, it’s not. Talk to your priest about it. But first, go to AA.
 
Very sorry that you and your family are suffering this way. I’ll pray for you. I agree that you need to seek professional help immediately. And keep praying, especially the Rosary and Chaplet of Divine Mercy.
 
Prayer, prayer, and more prayer. AlAnon, AlAnon, and more AlAnon. Professional help from a certified addictions counselor, and possibly family therapy. Your priest can provide you with spiritual encouragement, and probably can give you some good resources for professional counselors, and probably the locations and schedules of both AA and AlAnon meetings in your area. Most professional counselors accept insurance, or payment on a sliding scale.

Getting both families into the loop as to what is going on is probably a good idea, since you do not want to be isolated on this merry-go-round, but they are not good sources for support: They cannot be objective, they are not trained in this and cannot be effective, and there is always the temptation to turn interactions with them into a litany of complaints about your husband’s behavior. It’s okay to update them with something of objective news value (i.e., God forbid, a car accident, an arrest, a job loss,) but you do not want them to get into the minutiae of daily life with an alcoholic. They will start to choose up sides, and that will only add to the chaos of the matter. You need clarity, not chaos.

One tape lecture series is by Father Tom M, himself a member of both AA and AlAnon. I believe it is available through the Hazelden website. A number of years ago he preached a retreat called “Learning to live surrounded by crazy people.” It was enjoyable, and very informative and engaging. And it spoke to my soul about the necessity of taking responsibility for my own salvation, sanity, and happiness, regardless of whether my husband or anyone else chose to drink. In other words, once I started putting AlAnon into practice, his behavior lost its power over my well-being.

If you are self-identifying as a codependent or an enabler, you need to learn how to stop these behaviors ASAP: Your husband’s drinking will be worse, and you are putting yourself at risk for everything from health problems to assault.

Understand this, above all: You are not responsible for your husband’s alcoholism, and you cannot make him quit drinking. He has to desire to do that on his own. The more you try to influence him about stopping drinking, the worse it will get.

AlAnon and counseling for you will get you to a place where you can make healthy, discerned, and unemotional decisions about the course you need to take about your marriage. BTW–the Church permits separation of the spouses, especially in cases of abuse. You have a first duty to protect yourself, and any minor children from actual harm. Frequently, the presence of an addiction developing early in a marriage is considered evidence that the addicted person was not psychologically capable of contracting marriage. There is a possibility that you do not have a valid sacramental marriage, but that is jumping the gun. Your first responsibility is to restore some sense of order and peace in your life.
 
odile53 said:
Prayer, prayer, and more prayer. AlAnon, AlAnon, and more AlAnon. Professional help from a certified addictions counselor, and possibly family therapy. Your priest can provide you with spiritual encouragement, and probably can give you some good resources for professional counselors, and probably the locations and schedules of both AA and AlAnon meetings in your area. Most professional counselors accept insurance, or payment on a sliding scale.

Getting both families into the loop as to what is going on is probably a good idea, since you do not want to be isolated on this merry-go-round, but they are not good sources for support: They cannot be objective, they are not trained in this and cannot be effective, and there is always the temptation to turn interactions with them into a litany of complaints about your husband’s behavior. It’s okay to update them with something of objective news value (i.e., God forbid, a car accident, an arrest, a job loss,) but you do not want them to get into the minutiae of daily life with an alcoholic. They will start to choose up sides, and that will only add to the chaos of the matter. You need clarity, not chaos.

One tape lecture series is by Father Tom M, himself a member of both AA and AlAnon. I believe it is available through the Hazelden website. A number of years ago he preached a retreat called “Learning to live surrounded by crazy people.” It was enjoyable, and very informative and engaging. And it spoke to my soul about the necessity of taking responsibility for my own salvation, sanity, and happiness, regardless of whether my husband or anyone else chose to drink. In other words, once I started putting AlAnon into practice, his behavior lost its power over my well-being.

If you are self-identifying as a codependent or an enabler, you need to learn how to stop these behaviors ASAP: Your husband’s drinking will be worse, and you are putting yourself at risk for everything from health problems to assault.

Understand this, above all: You are not responsible for your husband’s alcoholism, and you cannot make him quit drinking. He has to desire to do that on his own. The more you try to influence him about stopping drinking, the worse it will get.

AlAnon and counseling for you will get you to a place where you can make healthy, discerned, and unemotional decisions about the course you need to take about your marriage. BTW–the Church permits separation of the spouses, especially in cases of abuse. You have a first duty to protect yourself, and any minor children from actual harm. Frequently, the presence of an addiction developing early in a marriage is considered evidence that the addicted person was not psychologically capable of contracting marriage. There is a possibility that you do not have a valid sacramental marriage, but that is jumping the gun. Your first responsibility is to restore some sense of order and peace in your life.
Click to expand...
Thank you. And the thing is his mental instability, alchoholism has led to a loss of a job, Thankfully, He’s working again but Yes, This is a merry-go-round that I keep getting on and off of. Thank you, And I will look up that lecture.
 
PeterJohn said:
Lostsoul3,
If its not apparent to you already, the Internet is not the place to turn for serious, immediate help. Like 1ke said, seek professional help. And stop talking like divorce is an option, if your Catholic, it’s not. Talk to your priest about it. But first, go to AA.
Click to expand...
Actually, divorce is absolutely an option in some cases, Catholic or not.

The OP does not need AA. Her husband needs (name removed by moderator)atient dual-diagnosis rehabilitation (where they will treat the addiction to alcohol and mental health issue concurrently) and she needs to attend the family component and then follow up with Al-Anon. AA is not a good starting point for an active alcoholic in potential need of a psychiatric diagnosis because there is no professional component. Rehab is the ideal first step in addiction recovery.

You say you have “chosen to take him back over and over” which tells me you’ve asked him to leave the home before, but allowed him to return without any change on his part. That is classic co-dependent behavior and is really, really unhelpful to him and your family. It sounds like you both could use some serious professional help. Please research your options (there are always 100 reasons why people “can’t” go to rehab - and they are almost all baloney.) I’ll pray for you and your husband! I have been theough this with a parent, and recovery is SO much better than the misery of addiction.
 
JackieMom said:
Actually, divorce is absolutely an option in some cases, Catholic or not.

The OP does not need AA. Her husband needs (name removed by moderator)atient dual-diagnosis rehabilitation (where they will treat the addiction to alcohol and mental health issue concurrently) and she needs to attend the family component and then follow up with Al-Anon. AA is not a good starting point for an active alcoholic in potential need of a psychiatric diagnosis because there is no professional component. Rehab is the ideal first step in addiction recovery.

You say you have “chosen to take him back over and over” which tells me you’ve asked him to leave the home before, but allowed him to return without any change on his part. That is classic co-dependent behavior and is really, really unhelpful to him and your family. It sounds like you both could use some serious professional help. Please research your options (there are always 100 reasons why people “can’t” go to rehab - and they are almost all baloney.) I’ll pray for you and your husband! I have been theough this with a parent, and recovery is SO much better than the misery of addiction.
Click to expand...
Hi, I know I’m co-dependent. Perhaps it’s b/c of the lives we’ve built for ourselves over the years - he’s always worked and I’ve stayed at home I don’t know!! Can I ask you about rehab? Is that something he needs to initiate or can I get mental health to reach out to him? I know he has to want it and I don’t know what kind of problems that could create for his job but I still want to help even if I CHOSE TO leave!
 
lostsoul3 said:
Hi, I know I’m co-dependent. Perhaps it’s b/c of the lives we’ve built for ourselves over the years - he’s always worked and I’ve stayed at home I don’t know!! Can I ask you about rehab? Is that something he needs to initiate or can I get mental health to reach out to him? I know he has to want it and I don’t know what kind of problems that could create for his job but I still want to help even if I CHOSE TO leave!
Click to expand...
You find a facility that is appropriate, talk to them privately and arrange for a possible admission. You have a conversation with your husband where you tell him he either enters and completes rehab, or he moves out of the home and will have no contact with his family while he’s still using. You must be 100% prepared to stick to your guns and follow through (this is THE most important part!). Then, it’s up to him. He calls his employer and explains the situation. Trust me, they already know he’s a drunk. Usually the employer is supportive and must allow time off for medical treatment, but if not, you move ahead anyway. A job is not something to die for.

Codependency does not mean you are “dependent” on him. It has nothing to do with being an at-home mom. It means YOU get something out of his addiction, which keeps you tolerating it and allowing it in your home. Your own therapy will help you to see why you have enabled his addiction and in what ways you benefitted from it. Then, it will help you to fix those issues.

For example - my brother is an addict and his wife is the co-dependent. She says she hates my brother’s drinking and wants him to quit, but has never stuck to a bottom line when it comes to getting him help. He’s still abusing alcohol in the home. While it appears that she is the poor, beleagured wife - the reality is that she desperately wants someone to care for, and to fix. She likes these “project relationships” and if you step back you can see that many of her friends are needy and damaged, too. She has a need to have people in her life that need a lot of babying. So, even when she is cleaning up after her drunk husband, or making excuses to his boss, or covering for his behavior at a party - she is actually getting her fix because she enjoys that she is in a caretaking position. At the root is her fear that healthy, stable, independent people will reject her.
 
That is so me but I’m not trying to avoid help NOR am I excusing his problems, In fact my guilt stems from seeking too much (name removed by moderator)ut especially from family b/c they CAN’T look at this objectively which contributes to the reason I posted to begin with!! I am like your sister, People with problems do graviate towards me and the negativity really is bothersome. His work is a new one and that’s why I am concerned about that element but thank you again for your words and advice.
 
Viki63 said:
Al-Anon is not professional help, but it is a great support system. They will help you learn to stop enabling.
Click to expand...
Should have been more clear: they will be able to refer her to the professional services she may need.
 
My brother is a recovering drug addict, so I understand your struggles and have been through them.

Everything everyone has said here is correct, regarding AA and Al-Anon.

The Saturday after Thanksgiving in 2007, someone gave me a Novena to the Infant Jesus to pray for him. I was so worried about my brother that I prayed it for 9 consecutive hours -it was the first Novena I ever prayed. I only prayed that he would tell my parents, that he would confess everything. Knowing my brother, our situation, and the 15 years preceding this, you have no idea how farfetched this prayer was. But the very next day, my prayer was answered. I’ve never told my brother this, but he began his road to recovery after this. There have been bumps along the way, but I thank God for hearing my prayers and taking over.

I also, recommend praying for him before the Blessed Sacrament as often as possible. If you pray with faith and confidence, He will answer.

And pray that Novena!

I will remember you in my prayers, please remember me and my brother and let’s thank the Lord for His goodness!
 
lostsoul3 said:
That is so me but I’m not trying to avoid help NOR am I excusing his problems, In fact my guilt stems from seeking too much (name removed by moderator)ut especially from family b/c they CAN’T look at this objectively which contributes to the reason I posted to begin with!! I am like your sister, People with problems do graviate towards me and the negativity really is bothersome. His work is a new one and that’s why I am concerned about that element but thank you again for your words and advice.
Click to expand...
Please go to an Al-Anon meeting as soon as possible - there are people in the meetings who can help you learn how to go forward into YOUR OWN life and stop trying to manipulate your husband to stop drinking. It sounds strange to say it, but when you stop putting the focus onto him, he may finally feel enough pain to want to stop drinking himself. He will never get better if you want his sobriety more than he does. And if you keep putting pillows under him, he will never hit his own “bottom,” which is when he realizes that he’s lower than a snake’s belly and has to make a change. Interventions rarely if ever work, because it’s someone else’s decision and not the alcoholic’s or addict’s decision, so they can always have an out and someone else to blame for their misery.

Go to an Al-Anon meeting every day if you possibly can. There are meetings all over the country and all over the world. Each meeting is a little different but they are all supposed to be based upon the same general principles, so go to several in your area and see which one appeals to you the most. If all you hear are problems, and not solutions, find another meeting and try again. And if you have children over the age of 11, they can attend Alateen and find support from other children of alcoholics (these are sponsored meetings with adults who have been screened).

Al-Anon/Alateen
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top