Good Guys Don't Exist

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annie17on12

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I’m really jaded about the whole dating scene out there. I’m am so tired of meeting guys who are really great and think I’m awesome until they find out I want to be chaste before marriage. Like seriously, I ain’t got time for that! And believe me I only go for the Catholic guys too. Why is it so hard to find a guy that is Catholic who wants to be chaste before marriage?! Like I am seeing a serious crisis of manliness in our society and it is extremely concerning. I really think I might be okay with living with cats the rest of my life. I’m so so tired of guys just seeing me for my body or what they can get out of me. Does anyone else have these same sentiments or can shed light on how to handle this obstacle?
 
In the end, you only need one, so keep that in mind.

How far into dating a man is this coming up? Maybe it isn’t the desire to be chaste but too serious talk too soon? I am guessing here… maybe you do have dates who expect way too much.
 
I’m so sorry you are feeling frustrated. I’m so encouraged by people like you who want to follow the Church’s teachings, especially a task that so many young people struggle with so much in our world. Please know that we are with you every step of the way, and please don’t hesitate to reach out to your community through bible studies and the like. It’s difficult when things feel like they aren’t looking like sunshine and rainbows, but know that God has a plan for you. Open up to his grace! Seek fulfillment in other relationships and friendships with people who are chaste. The right man will come along in due time, and an abundance of other blessings. No matter how many obstacles you have in your life, his joy and love will carry you through.
 
I found one! They definitely exist. It took 7 years for me but it was worth all of the frustration and disappointment I experienced before I met him. God has a plan! Trust in Him.
 
annie17on12 said:
I’m really jaded about the whole dating scene out there. I’m am so tired of meeting guys who are really great and think I’m awesome until they find out I want to be chaste before marriage. Like seriously, I ain’t got time for that! And believe me I only go for the Catholic guys too. Why is it so hard to find a guy that is Catholic who wants to be chaste before marriage?! Like I am seeing a serious crisis of manliness in our society and it is extremely concerning. I really think I might be okay with living with cats the rest of my life. I’m so so tired of guys just seeing me for my body or what they can get out of me. Does anyone else have these same sentiments or can shed light on how to handle this obstacle?
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I think Xiantippe’s advice is solid in this. I mean good guys can be a tough find. That’s a truth. But it’s even tougher when looking for them in the places they are least likely to hang out. You’ve got to find them in their natural habitat. That’s going to be usually in church groups. That’s going to be on sites devoted to their faith. Because it’s easy to just where a label. It’s easy to say you’re Catholic. But a guy who’s living it. A guy who’s spending the time at it. Well that guy’s much less likely to be a liar. That guy’s more likely to be the real goods.

And now here’s me apologizing for all the cads out there. I’m really sorry you’ve run into some bad experiences. I wish that had never happened to you. I know guys can be a real pain that way. I am very sorry about that.

Peace annie.

-Trident
 
Much like diamonds, if everyone had one, they wouldn’t be valuable.

Try and be patient (though I am sure I am only the 1000th person to tell you that).

It was difficult finding chaste girls when I was single as well. One of things I liked about internet matchmaking was the ability to weed out the flawed characteristics before even meeting, in theory. I knew before we even went on a date where my wife stood on issues of life, openess to children, the defense of marriage, and the like. Didn’t mean we were Saints, but much of the essentials were checked off before I every saw her in real life (through emails and phone calls, and her profile).

My profile was also very Catholic-focused in terms of its importance to my mascualine identity, but was also humorous, so as not frighten people away and assure them I was normal. Luckily, my wife fell for it…

The fact of the matter is this isn’t a male issue - look at Church attendance statistics. Look at the percentage who believe in the real presence. Look at various other statistics regarding the “faithful.” Ultimately, the faithful are a very small subset of the total Catholic population. That’s just reality.

Don’t give up though. Any guy who turns away a quality woman because of chastity issues is a loser anyway. Same goes for women. That may not make being single any easier, but it is the truth. Say a prayer for them, as you slam the door behind them and lock it… 🙂
 
annie17on12 said:
I’m really jaded about the whole dating scene out there. I’m am so tired of meeting guys who are really great and think I’m awesome until they find out I want to be chaste before marriage. Like seriously, I ain’t got time for that! And believe me I only go for the Catholic guys too. Why is it so hard to find a guy that is Catholic who wants to be chaste before marriage?! Like I am seeing a serious crisis of manliness in our society and it is extremely concerning. I really think I might be okay with living with cats the rest of my life. I’m so so tired of guys just seeing me for my body or what they can get out of me. Does anyone else have these same sentiments or can shed light on how to handle this obstacle?
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You need to let God do your spouse hunting for you. He’s had quite a bit of experience in this area. Years ago I was in more or less the same boat, tired of the dating scene and all the nonsense that goes with it. I told God “find me a monastery or a wife, I don’t care which”. I was married within the year (still married after 25 years).
 
I recently read this book on the matter:
“Getting Hitched–Rediscovering the Basic Truths of Mutual Attraction,” by David Upham. A short but interesting book; he does have some good ideas.
 
annie17on12 said:
I’m really jaded about the whole dating scene out there. I’m am so tired of meeting guys who are really great and think I’m awesome until they find out I want to be chaste before marriage. Like seriously, I ain’t got time for that! And believe me I only go for the Catholic guys too. Why is it so hard to find a guy that is Catholic who wants to be chaste before marriage?! Like I am seeing a serious crisis of manliness in our society and it is extremely concerning. I really think I might be okay with living with cats the rest of my life. I’m so so tired of guys just seeing me for my body or what they can get out of me. Does anyone else have these same sentiments or can shed light on how to handle this obstacle?
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On the other hand, there are many of us guys who wish girls would respect and even embrace Catholic moral theology. Whenever I start talking to a seemingly-decent one, I lose her at “sex belongs within the context of Sacramental Marriage”.
 
annie17on12 said:
I’m really jaded about the whole dating scene out there. I’m am so tired of meeting guys who are really great and think I’m awesome until they find out I want to be chaste before marriage. Like seriously, I ain’t got time for that! And believe me I only go for the Catholic guys too. Why is it so hard to find a guy that is Catholic who wants to be chaste before marriage?! Like I am seeing a serious crisis of manliness in our society and it is extremely concerning. I really think I might be okay with living with cats the rest of my life. I’m so so tired of guys just seeing me for my body or what they can get out of me. Does anyone else have these same sentiments or can shed light on how to handle this obstacle?
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Yep. It stinks.

It can take time. Don’t dwell on it. Easy to say, hard to do, I know.

I do recommend Catholic dating sites for serious Catholics, such as Ave Maria. I found the same issue with meeting men at church who turned out to be not so faithful to the church’s teachings on sexuality.
 
The lady at SeraphicSingles/Edinburgh Housewife also has a book. I haven’t read it, but her blog is sound enough that I can recommend it sight unseen.

The book title is either “Seraphic Singles: Learning to Stop Worrying and Love the Single Life” or “The Closet’s All Mine!: From a Seraphic Single” depending where you are. (I personally like the first title better.)

She finally got married at 38.

From what I hear, a lot of stuff written for Catholic and Protestant singles is directed at the very young (because we’re all going to get married at 22, right?). DCM’s stuff has the virtue that it is primarily directed at older single people, although I think younger ones can definitely benefit.
 
annie17on12 said:
Like I am seeing a serious crisis of manliness in our society and it is extremely concerning.
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I am 45 and never married so as much as I can sympathize with you, comments such as the one I quote really bother me. It sounds like an accusation towards all men. If this is a comment you posted in the heat of the moment, that is one thing. However, if it is your general attitude, perhaps your anger at men is what is pushing the nice guys away. Nice guys know their worth and they look for women who can appreciate it.

Perhaps as others suggested you need to trust God and do His will, even if that means being single. Also, perhaps think of some women with good husbands and you will see that yes, good guys do exist, even though they are not the good guy for you.
 
annie17on12 said:
I’m really jaded about the whole dating scene out there. I’m am so tired of meeting guys who are really great and think I’m awesome until they find out I want to be chaste before marriage. Like seriously, I ain’t got time for that! And believe me I only go for the Catholic guys too. Why is it so hard to find a guy that is Catholic who wants to be chaste before marriage?! Like I am seeing a serious crisis of manliness in our society and it is extremely concerning. I really think I might be okay with living with cats the rest of my life. I’m so so tired of guys just seeing me for my body or what they can get out of me. Does anyone else have these same sentiments or can shed light on how to handle this obstacle?
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It doesn’t matter if you shoot seven blanks in a row. You only need to succeed once.

The reason you keep meeting guys that want to have sex with you isn’t just because most people in our society have premarital sex (that is of course a big part of it) but also because it’s the same guys that have premarital sex that tend to be aggressive with dating. Unfortunately - and as a single guy I am guilty of this too - chaste men in today’s society have a lot of difficulty pursuing women, precisely for the same reason. There’s an insecurity that is hard to overcome about being a man that goes against the prevailing culture of male instant gratification and the selfish acquisition of sex. They are embarrassed by their own virtue, so they are hesitant about pursuing women. They’re afraid of feeling weak or inadequate for wanting to follow Catholic sexual ethics, or that none of the women they pursue will turn out to be good women. I’m into my 2nd year as a Catholic and overcoming that sense of embarrassment is still a work in progress for me. There’s over 20 years of brainwashing to undo, and I’ve discovered it’s not something that simply instantly “switches off”. Changing your entire perspective and attitude in life is an arduous process of prayer, mortification, learning, and allowing the Holy Spirit to do His work within you. Conversion isn’t something that just happens in an instant: it is a lifelong journey of growing, and pruning, and falling deeper in love.

(At the moment I’m also not looking for women. I’m heavily preoccupied for the next 2 years getting an alternative teaching license while working full time, and I’ve added several self-improvement routines into my life in the mean time: exercise, spiritual reading, learning Spanish, volunteering, etc. I’m doing groundwork to make myself a more presentable husband/father in the future. Throwing a woman into my life right now would be… stressful :p)

When I do start actively dating, I can already say I’m not going to do it by chasing random young adult single women at the local parish (all 2 of them) or going to bars, etc. I’ve looked at the Catholic dating sites and they make things much, much easier.
 
Sure they do. Finding worldly men (and women) is easy because they’re so numerous. You’re looking for a relatively rare type of person, so it’s natural that the search is longer and more hard-fought.

You’re a good woman, right? You exist. Yet, you’re that desirable, hard-to-find woman for some deserving man who just hasn’t found you yet!
 
One thing about finding a spouse online is that often the “courting” is a bit different. Many couples I know who have met this way don’t have marriages that I would consider ideal. It may not be the online dating scene, but more of a combo of being in a rush and dating via distance, not sure. So if you are considering online dating, be charitable to us, and discern the relationship well, please! God bless! :dancing:
 
Trident_H said:
I think Xiantippe’s advice is solid in this. I mean good guys can be a tough find. That’s a truth. But it’s even tougher when looking for them in the places they are least likely to hang out. You’ve got to find them in their natural habitat. That’s going to be usually in church groups. That’s going to be on sites devoted to their faith. Because it’s easy to just where a label. It’s easy to say you’re Catholic. But a guy who’s living it. A guy who’s spending the time at it. Well that guy’s much less likely to be a liar. That guy’s more likely to be the real goods.

And now here’s me apologizing for all the cads out there. I’m really sorry you’ve run into some bad experiences. I wish that had never happened to you. I know guys can be a real pain that way. I am very sorry about that.

Peace annie.

-Trident
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Trident, you are such a sweet person. The cads should apologize for themselves! In any event, you are spot on with your assessment. Groups with young people like "Theology on “Tap” meet together to discuss the faith. There is usually a good representation of young people at these events. So, Annie, don’t give up. They are out there…I know because I married one.
 
If there are no good men, then why are you so eager to get married?
 
Good guys do exist. I found one.too so don’t be discouraged. The issue is that most guys who truly follow Catholic teaching tend to be very low key and usually they don’t call attention. Usually the ones that don’t are easier to see because they are mire outgoing and attract more attention. Why don’t you try Catholic dating sites? Also have you tried meeting guys in pro life groups? Also focus yourself more on the guy that seems bot to attract anyone and that look low key.
 
TK421 said:
The reason you keep meeting guys that want to have sex with you isn’t just because most people in our society have premarital sex (that is of course a big part of it) but also because it’s the same guys that have premarital sex that tend to be aggressive with dating. Unfortunately - and as a single guy I am guilty of this too - chaste men in today’s society have a lot of difficulty pursuing women, precisely for the same reason. There’s an insecurity that is hard to overcome about being a man that goes against the prevailing culture of male instant gratification and the selfish acquisition of sex. They are embarrassed by their own virtue, so they are hesitant about pursuing women. They’re afraid of feeling weak or inadequate for wanting to follow Catholic sexual ethics, or that none of the women they pursue will turn out to be good women.
e.
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^^^^^ This! It is exactly what I tried to say but better explained. Good Catholic guys are not aggressive at dating or pursuing women so while they do exist and are out there, it is no re e difficult to figure who they are. Also as a woman, if your mindset is “Allen want to sleep with me” your focus will be only on the bad guys so even if there is a really good guy next to you, you won’t see it because you are so focused on the bad ones that you will miss the good one. So change your mindset and start looking in the right places.
 
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