Good to Know or None of My Business?

[Plastic_Spoon]

Hello, I have long lurked on CAF and I finally have reason to post my own question.

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about a year (I’m 21, he’s 25). I care about him a lot, and he is someone I’d discern marrying.

Sometimes, (more often lately) we will kiss and it will get him… worked up… we’ll say. It’s happened several times but we’ve agreed on strict boundaries before we’re married.

However, it has still happened many times, and I’ve been told that repeated male arousal without release is extremely uncomfortable. This sequence of events has made me wonder if he makes himself “more comfortable” once he is out of my sight, and if this is the case, is it possible that this might be a habit he’s had?

I have read on many of these forums even how much pain and unnecessary problems sexual sin can cause a marriage. My questions is: are these things I should know when making an informed decision about pursuing this increasingly serious relationship, or is it really none of my business?

I am hoping it’s the latter as I can’t even begin to imagine actually having this discussion…

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Stop the kissing. Problem solved.

You shouldn’t be working him up in the first place.

 

[jenwha]

I’d ask him if you feel comfortable doing so.

Also, I love your screen name. I wish I’d picked plastic spoon, it’s hilarious.

 

[Plastic_Spoon]

Stop the kissing. Problem solved.

You shouldn’t be working him up in the first place.

I’m not trying to work him up and we are taking measures to avoid this in the future. My concern is, even if the kissing stops, if he has a pre-established habit (let’s say even prior to knowing me), is he continuing and should I be aware of it? Kissing isn’t the only thing that has the potential to lead a man to such things…

I’d ask him if you feel comfortable doing so.

Also, I love your screen name. I wish I’d picked plastic spoon, it’s hilarious.

I don’t think it would be a comfortable situation, but if it’s all for the greater good…

And thank you! I was inspired by The Who. I’m a big fan.

 

[bmaj]

You might want to get into a “general discussion” one day about the very common secular practices of self-pleasuring, porn viewing, etc… VERY general, as in “How do you feel about all of this going on today???” It’s an important topic to broach if you consider marriage in the future. The practice has been the downfall of many marriages.
Just my own thoughts from knowing the effect it’s had on my husband’s thought system and our own marriage. Wish I’d had that type of general discussion years ago before engagement or marriage.

 

[Aggies08]

However, it has still happened many times, and I’ve been told that repeated male arousal without release is extremely uncomfortable. This sequence of events has made me wonder if he makes himself “more comfortable” once he is out of my sight, and if this is the case, is it possible that this might be a habit he’s had?

You’d have to ask him. It will still happen in marriage- kids wake up at ALL hours, weird noises are outside, etc. Stuff happens, and the mood is lost, and sleep takes over, LOL.

According to DH, it IS uncomfortable, but I know he’s always been able to deal with the discomfort and go to sleep. I wouldn’t assume anything untoward just because he has gotten worked up. Again, if you are worried about it, you need to address this with him.

 

[Allegra]

Currently, I’d say none of your business, but if you become engaged or begin seriously discussing the possibility of matrimony, you need to have this discussion. I wouldn’t assume that he is doing that now, but I would be careful since you have noticed that he is easily aroused.

 

[Sheadad]

Currently, I’d say none of your business, but if you become engaged or begin seriously discussing the possibility of matrimony, you need to have this discussion. I wouldn’t assume that he is doing that now, but I would be careful since you have noticed that he is easily aroused.

Oh, come on, he’s a guy, kissing and making out with the girl he’s dating. He is easily aroused because that is exactly what is supposed to happen.

You guys all know that it’s normal. We also all know that it is supposed to be reserved for marriage, but it doesn’t mean it’s not a normal biological response. I don’t see any reason to read into it… poor guy.

 

[Soren_Itenu]

Aggies,
The mood is lost? How does that happen? For us, the mood never leaves.

 

[Allegra]

Oh, come on, he’s a guy, kissing and making out with the girl he’s dating. He is easily aroused because that is exactly what is supposed to happen.

You guys all know that it’s normal. We also all know that it is supposed to be reserved for marriage, but it doesn’t mean it’s not a normal biological response. I don’t see any reason to read into it… poor guy.

I didn’t say the guy was a freak. Some guys are more “sensitive” than others. If you know what you’re doing is getting him aroused, it’s not very charitable to keep doing it.

 

[Archangelic]

What in the world…

Has he done anything to make you have a legitimate suspicion that he does this, or are you just letting your imagination go wild and speculating? I think you’re being very unfair.

News flash: young men get sexually aroused every day. That doesn’t make us ticking time bombs.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I’m not trying to work him up and we are taking measures to avoid this in the future. My concern is, even if the kissing stops, if he has a pre-established habit (let’s say even prior to knowing me), is he continuing and should I be aware of it? Kissing isn’t the only thing that has the potential to lead a man to such things…

I don’t think it would be a comfortable situation, but if it’s all for the greater good…

And thank you! I was inspired by The Who. I’m a big fan.

You’re borrowing trouble. I think if you’re afraid he’s getting aroused to the point of masturbation from your kissing, then stop kissing. Whether or not you are trying to arouse him, it’s happening, and it could be the near occasion of sin for him, as you are considering.

If you get serious with him, a discussion about sexual past history would be in order including porn and masturbation. You do need to know what you’re dealing with. But stop making out and tempting him.

 

[kookieduck]

Hello, I have long lurked on CAF and I finally have reason to post my own question.

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about a year (I’m 21, he’s 25). I care about him a lot, and he is someone I’d discern marrying.

Sometimes, (more often lately) we will kiss and it will get him… worked up… we’ll say. It’s happened several times but we’ve agreed on strict boundaries before we’re married.

However, it has still happened many times, and I’ve been told that repeated male arousal without release is extremely uncomfortable. This sequence of events has made me wonder if he makes himself “more comfortable” once he is out of my sight, and if this is the case, is it possible that this might be a habit he’s had?

I have read on many of these forums even how much pain and unnecessary problems sexual sin can cause a marriage. My questions is: are these things I should know when making an informed decision about pursuing this increasingly serious relationship, or is it really none of my business?

I am hoping it’s the latter as I can’t even begin to imagine actually having this discussion…

What about you? Do you not get ‘worked up’ at all? Do you go home and pleasure yourself? C’mon - girls react to kissing too! If you can control yourself try to trust that he can too!

 

[1love]

It’s happened several times but we’ve agreed on strict boundaries before we’re married.

I’ll echo what others have said, because it’s important enough to be said again and again: Make those boundaries even more strict. Being in love means looking out for the salvation of one another. If you do get married, one of your roles will be helping your husband get to heaven (and that will be his role for you as well)…best to start now, putting off too much physical contact if one of you finds it difficult to bear. As I’ve heard priests say: “When someone asks me, ‘how far can I go before it’s a mortal sin?’ I reply, ‘how hard could I slap you across the face before it hurts?’ Every sin is an offense…don’t push it.”

That said…

I think there is a way to have this conversation without seeming like you’re pressing, or accusing. Maybe you could find a way to raise the subject of impurity. In fact, you could use us as scapegoats. “I’ve been reading a lot on CAF lately about how impurity can really mess up a relationship. I feel like it would be best for us to discuss this now, because I’ve seen people on the forums seriously regret waiting until too late to talk about it. What do you think?” I’ll pray for you too - it might not be a very fun conversation, but please believe me when I say it’s better to have an awkward conversation now than be surprised with something ten years into your marriage. Take care!

 

[Plastic_Spoon]

I wish I hadn’t prefaced this with my own personal anecdote. Mostly things are moving more and more towards the marriage route. He’s started talking about little things and what they will be like after we’re married, and it’s just got me thinking about how little I know about his adherence to various aspects of Catholicism.

You might want to get into a “general discussion” one day about the very common secular practices of self-pleasuring, porn viewing, etc… VERY general, as in “How do you feel about all of this going on today???” It’s an important topic to broach if you consider marriage in the future. The practice has been the downfall of many marriages.
Just my own thoughts from knowing the effect it’s had on my husband’s thought system and our own marriage. Wish I’d had that type of general discussion years ago before engagement or marriage.

This is very helpful I guess I didn’t know how to best ask my question. I really just wanted to know if this fell into the category of “things I should figure out during or prior to a serious engagement” or into the “that’s his business with God and maybe ignorance is bliss.”

I think there is a way to have this conversation without seeming like you’re pressing, or accusing. Maybe you could find a way to raise the subject of impurity. In fact, you could use us as scapegoats. “I’ve been reading a lot on CAF lately about how impurity can really mess up a relationship. I feel like it would be best for us to discuss this now, because I’ve seen people on the forums seriously regret waiting until too late to talk about it. What do you think?” I’ll pray for you too - it might not be a very fun conversation, but please believe me when I say it’s better to have an awkward conversation now than be surprised with something ten years into your marriage.

This is also very helpful for the same reason. I guess I’ve just realized there are “deeper things” I don’t know about him. His family is technically Catholic, but he’s the most devout or practicing one through a close relationship with one of his close friends and his family growing up. We were hanging out once and I wanted to go to confession. He asked me how to do it because he hadn’t gone in 10 years. (I’m so glad he is willing to go though and I am proud of him for that.) But I’m beginning to suspect we may have some differing ideas on other things, too. I think because I know he’s Catholic, I’ve assumed we’d all be on the same page about Catholic teachings and adherence to them and since that hasn’t necessarily been the case in the past, I’m more mindful of these things moving forward. Thank you all for your insight, I’m sorry I wasn’t more clear before.

 

[Soren_Itenu]

I’d definitely sit down and have a casual, general talk about the state of sexuality today, what with the chronic masturbation and pornography problems out there. As a man, I think I’ve met precisely two men in my entire life who didn’t watch pornography or masturbate. From what I’ve seen and heard, almost every dude out there does it or has done it. Most guys think it’s normal and are proud of it. It’s a serious problem. Just the other day, my friend, who was visiting, got up and said, “Thanks for having me over. It was fun, but I think it’s time to go home and take care of some things. I need to clean my apartment, and I wanna have a good wank.” My wife and I just stared in shock at each other. He was oblivious. To him, it was a completely normal thing. He has no shame. I don’t know any men outside of this forum who are ashamed of it. Certainly no one I know is trying to quit. Why would they? To them it’s normal and healthy. They’d scratch their monkey craniums and say “huh?” if they realized I’m not doing it anymore.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

There is an absolute obsession at CAF with sex and sexual sins. I wouldn’t generalized from that to the dangers masturbation to a marriage. I seriously doubt you can find a large enough group of men who’ve never masturbated to draw any kind of meaningful data about masturbation and marriage.

Addictive behavior is the main problem I’ve seen in marriages whether it is booze, gambling, spending, or porn.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I’d definitely sit down and have a casual, general talk about the state of sexuality today, what with the chronic masturbation and pornography problems out there. As a man, I think I’ve met precisely two men in my entire life who didn’t watch pornography or masturbate. From what I’ve seen and heard, almost every dude out there does it or has done it. Most guys think it’s normal and are proud of it. It’s a serious problem. Just the other day, my friend, who was visiting, got up and said, “Thanks for having me over. It was fun, but I think it’s time to go home and take care of some things. I need to clean my apartment, and I wanna have a good wank.” My wife and I just stared in shock at each other. He was oblivious. To him, it was a completely normal thing. He has no shame. I don’t know any men outside of this forum who are ashamed of it. Certainly no one I know is trying to quit. Why would they? To them it’s normal and healthy. They’d scratch their monkey craniums and say “huh?” if they realized I’m not doing it anymore.

You’re sure he wasn’t joking with you??? I mean, seriously? He said that in front of your wife??? That’s just astounding!!! :nope:

 

[Joe_5859]

You might want to get into a “general discussion” one day about the very common secular practices of self-pleasuring, porn viewing, etc… VERY general, as in “How do you feel about all of this going on today???” It’s an important topic to broach if you consider marriage in the future. The practice has been the downfall of many marriages.
Just my own thoughts from knowing the effect it’s had on my husband’s thought system and our own marriage. Wish I’d had that type of general discussion years ago before engagement or marriage.

I think this is a good way to approach things.

Certainly, this is not a topic for a first date, but I cannot imagine being in a serious relationship with someone and not talking about these issues. I don’t think you have to wait until you are engaged to talk about it. By the time I got engaged, my wife and I had already had every discussion of every serious issue imaginable. How else do you know you should get engaged?

But yeah, bringing it up first in a general way is probably better than making him squirm by asking him the question point blank. At least as a way of introducing things. I think it’s a fair question to ask a serious boyfriend/girlfriend eventually, though.

I should add that I don’t think people need to divulge graphic play-by-plays of their history in this area. That’s generally not beneficial. But knowing each other’s general history and – even more importantly – how they feel about the morality of such behavior now is something that is important to know before marriage.

 

[Rose74]

There is an absolute obsession at CAF with sex and sexual sins. I wouldn’t generalized from that to the dangers masturbation to a marriage. I seriously doubt you can find a large enough group of men who’ve never masturbated to draw any kind of meaningful data about masturbation and marriage.

Addictive behavior is the main problem I’ve seen in marriages whether it is booze, gambling, spending, or porn.

Absolutely agree. There is so much obsession about masturbation on these forums. My husband says the natural replacement is a healthy marital sex life. Stop obsessing. Men get erections. It isn’t dirty. Sex is not dirty, but it can be used outside of its proper place, but OP already knows that.