This one is really tricky. My parents often try detracting or gossiping to me. I tell them to stop gossiping or detracting, but usually to no avail. Sometimes they will respond by saying things along the lines of “that’s not gossip” or “you are censoring yourself.”
What should I do? I sometimes try to change the subject but they have caught on to this and sometimes tell me not to change the subject. Other times I walk away, but this isn’t possible when at the dinner/lunch table.
You don’t have to always explain they are gossiping. Especially since you have tried this and see its fruitless. Because when you volunteer this info, they are then are challenged to defend themselves - and that is not the point, is it, to accuse them, and get into an argument about what they are doing wrong, right? Its often not a good idea to accuse anyway, because then you would be making assumptions of what’s in their hearts.
So rather than explain, just say, “I don’t want to hear this.” and “Let’s change the subject.” and if further questioned, simply say, “I have different sensitivities than you.” and avoid further . You can do that by repeating those phrases in answer to pressing or attempts to argue with you. This makes it about
you, not them, and is therefore its not accusatory. And you can always walk away when you are no longer comfortable with the conversation someone initiated!
Consider it your issue, not theirs. Even if it surely is gossip, we are not particularly always called to point out peoples particular sins. Especially when they are not wanting to hear it, or didn’t ask. Wait for a polite invitation to explain, like, someone sincerely wanting to know why you think gossip is a sin.
I, also, have different sensitivities than this lovable family I married into 3 years ago. At a holiday dinner, the talk can suddenly go to picking apart a person who is not there (or one who is, and that one sits there, struck - not so good for digestion!). I cannot say this is really done to be mean, its certainly at least the kind of “joking” they have always done when getting together. I immediately say,“Lets change the subject!”. This Easter as soon as we sat down to a lovely table and good food they began in immediately on contentious political issues, the kind I try to wipe out of my Facebook all the time since I have friends on both sides - not so good for my appetite for sure! And we had both sides at the table. I said, please, no politics! But I got ignored as voices got high fast. I just put my head in my hands, covering my face, then, realizing I did not want to sit that way very long, I got up and went in the other room til the conversation was over. That stopped it. I think its okay to act like a hothouse flower sometimes when you feel something is going to wilt you…
Sometimes of course it is right to denounce a gossiper. I will never forget at a class break in college, several of us were standing in the hall outside the classroom. One girl immediately started telling our group about a classmate who wasn’t there, something negative. I began to turn away, to avoid the ugliness, but another girl there immediately said, indignantly and with great boldness, “I’m not listening to this! If you talk this way about her, how do you talk about me when I’m not there!” and went back in the classroom to be by herself. And the gossiper shut up.
Good for her. Because sometimes, silence means consent…
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