Gossip v Frank Discussion

[GirlfromIreland]

HI everyone,

I would welcome everybodys views on this…

Do you think that it is wrong to talk negatively about somebody to somebody else if what you are saying is true?

Does it depend on who you are talking to?

For example, is it ok to share openly and honestly with a sister or with a best friend even if this includes talking negatively (though truthfully) about somebody else?

What about a group of close friends?

I was in a very difficult situation recently in a country outside my own. When I returned home I shared with my family and friends what I had gone through and shared specific examples of negative behaviour that I had witnessed and experienced myself. I would have made specific reference to individuals in my sharing. Afterwards I did not feel so good because I had been talking so negatively (though truthfully) about my experiences. My brother also told me that I was out of line to share what I did with my friends because now they have a negative view of the people that I spoke about (it is likely that my family and friends will never meet the people abroad but it is possible).

I was wondering what you think?

Should we “aim for the top” and only talk negatively about another person in confession (with the aim of getting spiritual direction as opposed to just disclosing information)? Or in confession and to close family? Or it is ok with a group of friends, as long as you are presenting the facts clearly?

 

[maendem]

I think there’s a big difference between one-time venting, compassionate problem-solving, and gossip.

Sometimes our experiences with others can be so stressful that we just need to let off steam about them to a friend or spouse in order to let go our anger or frustration.

This should be a one-time (or few-times) thing. If the same people continue to annoy, or the same situation reasserts itself, then I think we should try to confront the people concerned directly and try and talk things out. If that’s not possible logistically, then asking a friend or family member to help find a solution to the problem is actually wise.

The difference between these approaches and gossip is that a solution or resolution is actively sought, with the intention of moving on. Gossip, however, revels in heaping up insults or speculations about someone else, with no thought of resolution. In gossiping, we simply keep “stirring the pot” so to speak, and enjoy thinking badly about others so that we ourselves may feel superior.

 

[mercygate]

Speaking a negative truth about someone behind his back without an *objectively valid reason *for sharing such a “truth” is known as the sin of detraction. It is considered a form of theft because it takes away the person’s good name, to which he is entitled.

See The Catechism of the Catholic Church: 2477, 2479, 2507, 2539

 

[Island_Oak]

maendem:

I think there’s a big difference between one-time venting, compassionate problem-solving, and gossip…
Sometimes our experiences with others can be so stressful that we just need to let off steam about them to a friend or spouse in order to let go our anger or frustration…The difference between these approaches and gossip is that a solution or resolution is actively sought, with the intention of moving on.

Been there, done that…but regardless of the rationalization I use to “justify” the rant du jour, I know that it is always somewhat self-serving and a manifestation of my own weakness and inability to generously deal with, overlook, swallow the bad behavior of others. This all too human and common practice is probably good fodder for the confessional.

 

[GirlfromIreland]

Thank you all for your replies.

Incidentally, I was in confession this morning and confessed this as I felt it was probably a sin. The priest didn’t comment either way.

My particular situation is now closed as I won’t see the people who offended me again. So I would not be able to justify my rants to my friends by saying that I was seeking a resolution. My talking to my friends about my experiences is much closer to the “gossip” category although it was not to make myself superior so much as to see the startled reactions on my friends’ faces – to get the shock reaction.

Thanks especially for the Catechism quotation.

1. Is there an exception to this in the case of close family members e.g. parents? I am 27 and do not live at home but I like to keep my parents up to date on my life, experiences I have with other people etc – both the good and the bad. I like to think that I could talk to them openly and honestly which would inevitably include talking negatively about people from time to time. It wouldn’t be for “gossip” reasons or to make my parents think badly of somebody, it would be simply chatting and letting them know what’s going on. What do you think?
2. Also, what about talking about somebody’s negative behaviour to you but without identifying who the person is? In this case, their good name is not damaged as my listeners do not know who they are? I presume I would have to be careful that I don’t give away hints that might identify the person. I think that this may be ok, based on the Catechism quotation below. Or should all negative conversation be shelved?

Thanks for reminding us that we are called to perfection and to be as Christ-like as we possibly can in our dealings with each other.

 

[Lux_et_veritas]

I’ve been kind of wondering simliar questions.

I’m 42 years of age and my 73 year old mother lives with me. For the most part we get along and give each other needed space. My brother and sister get deeply upset with her and don’t want to come around and I’ve felt it is more of a tolerance issue. However, there are times I wonder if I do go too far in accepting “abuses” that I shouldn’t. I’ve needed to aire them out to get clarity and yet can’t bring it up in confession as I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining about my mother.

She has a very strong negative streak in her. The cup is always half empty. I’ve offered to help her into counseling or to see a priest, but she won’t go. She badgers and badmouths people all day long and it makes me cringe. If I say something to her, then I’m being mean, even when I say it nicely. In some way, I feel I have an obligation to tell her that her comments are not appropriate and at first I simply walked away explaining I didn’t want to be in such a conversation. This didn’t work.

My sister had to work with a priest weekly for 6 months on the issue because my mother can be so controlling emotionally. My brother has confided in me that his kids don’t want to be around her and many of her friends shy away. So, I know its not just me, but I’m around it all day long.

How can I bring that up with a priest? If it were a friend I could preserve the person’s anonymity just by saying “a friend”. But I can’t hide that it is my mother because there is the whole issue of honor thy mother and father (dad passed away many years ago).

There is a balance bewteen these things and I’m just not certain how to bring it up in confession without sounding like I’m complaining.

Ideas?

 

[mercygate]

Diane,

You describe a common problem – and it sounds like this really IS a problem, so discussing it with a trained professional or a priest (outside of confession) would not be gossip or detraction, but a necessary step toward getting a grip on it. Chances are you mother won’t change, but counseling with a person who works with elderly people might help you handle her.

Godspeed

 

[springbreeze]

Dear friend

I think it would be wrong to go across the board to every person you meet and spread bad feeling about a person even though what you perceive about them appears to be the truth, to me, that would be gossip. It would be just though to confide in a close trusted friend or to a Priest about a person and any harm or injustice you feel they have done to you, that would not be gossip.

God Bless you and much love and peace to you

Teresa

 

[gardenswithkids]

GirlfromIreland:

Do you think that it is wrong to talk negatively about somebody to somebody else if what you are saying is true?

Does it depend on who you are talking to?
What about a group of close friends?

I think it’s most perfect to say nothing to anyone but God, but that’s hard for me to achieve. I was holding in some thoughts and opinions about something that really bothered me which I eventually shared with a priest. He actually asked me if I had any friends I could talk with. He said if I only told one or two friends, it wasn’t gossip. (This wasn’t just idle chatter about people; it was discussing something that affected me and I wanted to understand what happened.) He also recommended writing in a journal.

I have definately found journaling to help. Telling a friend who can listen and help me process my thoughts also helps, especially if it’s someone who knows a little more about the situation that just what I’m telling them. But I think telling in front of a group crosses into gossip rather than remaining a frank discussion. Even in discussions here which are annonymous, I try to be careful with what I write about others.