Gossip

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I was out a few nights ago with a bunch of people. There is one woman there ‘H’ who has been divorced for over 15 years. She shared her kids would upset because their dad just died of cancer. Well another lady ‘R’ pulled me aside and whispered ‘I am not sure you are aware but she had to divorce him because he was an alcoholic. ‘H’ had a real tough time’:eek:

I never fell over on my back. I though that was TOTALLY inappropriate and said ‘Well… I have know for years she was divorced’. But the truth is all I wanted to say was ‘How could you be so cruel, if ‘H’ wanted me to know the personal details of her life she would have told me herself’

The other thing is, I actually like ‘R’. We go for coffee and she is a very interesting person to talk to. However, she has a REALLY annoying habit of always talking about how much a person earns. We can not talk about anything without her mentionning money. For example if we are talking about cooking she will say things like ‘Linda gave me a great recipe for pancakes, she is well off her husband is a stock broker’

Well…being unemployed, I always feel small when she talks about people’s money. She even said to me once ‘You know, I have no idea what kind of work you do and what kind of job you are looking for’ to which I responded ‘Yeah I know. I purposely don’t tell you because that way I don’t have to worry about you telling anyone’.

The truth is, she has in some ways been supportive of me while I am unemployed. And this is something that I know is particular to me. I DON"T want to know what other people do for a living because I want to get to know people for their good hearts not their money or the letters behind their name. I think the conversation starter ‘so what do you do’ is the most tasless thing.

I am wondering if I should say anything to ‘R’ because her inappropriate comments are getting on my nerves. And I also wonder how to say it politely.

Any advice anyone?

CM
 
Sometimes honesty is the best policy. Tell her you love spending time with her but you do not want to hear negative things about other people. Maybe ask how she would feel if others were speaking of her in that way. I think a lot of people don’t realize that they are gossiping when they do and a friend pointing it out can help put them in the right direction.
 
cmscms said:
Any advice anyone?

CM
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I am not known for being polite. The next time she says something you find offensive say: “Why are you telling me this?” Then keep asking questions making her explain herself until she sees herself that it’s inappropriate or tires of your questions and goes away.

For instance, as to why “H” was divorced. If you ask why she is telling you this and she says, “Well, I just wanted you to know she had a tough time.” You ask, “Why?” I mean, srsly, does she think you’d be cavalier or callus otherwise?

WHY is the great question.

Why is that important?
Why do you think I want to know this?

Why do you care?
 
Once a woman went to a Priest and confessed the sin of gossip.
The Priest told her for her penance she would need to take a pillow to the highest tower in the city, and cut it open and release all of the feathers.
The woman was happy because it would be an easy penance.

Then the Priest told her, she would then have to go about and collect ALL of the feathers she had released.

He explained to her how much the sin of gossip, once it is out there, is as difficult to gather up as the feathers would be.

I forget where I heard that, and what Saintly Priest was involved, but it came to mind when I read this.
Maybe you could tell the story to your friend?

littlechicken
 
I love all the answers I have been given so far. What is really troubling me as right now, I feel so alone (being unemployed) the only real confidant I have is my mom and when I told I needed to have a talk with ‘R’ she got mad at me saying I was just going to hurt ‘R’. Then she proceeded to say ‘What if R tells everyone what you said to her. People won’t like you’. To which I replied ‘People would probably be thinking FINALLY someone told R what she needed to know’. I know this sounds silly but for some reason, I need my mommy’s approval. I have no support and I really am at the end of my rope with being unemployed

CM
 
One other thing I forgot to mention. A few weeks ago, ‘R’ said a few things to me about how I should go about getting a job. And they were quite insulting. She is in a different field than me and has no idea how mine works. When I tried to tell her politely how it hurt me, within 2 seconds she interrupted me and said ‘I was just trying to help but since you didn’t like it I will not say those things anymore’. At the time I though ‘Well, she is willing to quit saying these things so that should probably suffice’. But the truth is, I felt cheated because I was not able to express WHY her comments hurted me and get some empathy from her.

I suspect she is one of those people who dislikes hearing the truth so she immediately apologizes to avoid hearing it

CM
 
Christians who are obsessed with the failings of others in their communities have an inflated sense of their own worthiness and look at others through shallow, superficial lens.

I know a woman whose son was in jail for rape…in a Catholic small town. One of her associates lived out of town and wanted to know what happened…and I was not going to tell her anything because she was already nosey and uppity and self righteous…and she betrayed my own confidences…

Yet, people who know this mother also see her as a living saint who has suffered very much…her son is her highway…the scandal of the Cross … to heaven. He is OK now and married. Her other children are wonderful and married well.

I have had 2 experiences in church work regarding people who had out of control behavior, very controlling…and dishonest…not contributing the right spirit to our gatherings, and impossible to deal with and resolve issues. First thing is to go to that person directly.

But when their behavior is out of control…best thing is to disband the group. Trying to put feelers out for others’ tolerance levels can only put you in the position as being labelled a ‘gossip’.

Being labelled a gossip is the lowest label you can get in a parish gathering…and those who accuse others of gossiping…you have to take a step back and look at their behavior…because it is a ruse to also deflate attention from their own behavior and project it through the faith gathering back onto the person trying to bring things into a good spirit.

Been there.

Gossip and being a gossiper are very very ugly.
 
cmscms said:
I love all the answers I have been given so far. What is really troubling me as right now, I feel so alone (being unemployed) the only real confidant I have is my mom and when I told I needed to have a talk with ‘R’ she got mad at me saying I was just going to hurt ‘R’. Then she proceeded to say ‘What if R tells everyone what you said to her. People won’t like you’. To which I replied ‘People would probably be thinking FINALLY someone told R what she needed to know’. I know this sounds silly but for some reason, I need my mommy’s approval. I have no support and I really am at the end of my rope with being unemployed

CM
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Mary is the mommy of us all. What do you think she would like to see you do?
 
Julia_Mae said:
Mary is the mommy of us all. What do you think she would like to see you do?
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I think Mary would want me to stand up for ‘H’ in a polite way. I can’t help but think ‘R’ will interupt me though. I need to be firm when I do say something

CM
 
cmscms said:
‘Yeah I know. I purposely don’t tell you because that way I don’t have to worry about you telling anyone’.

And I also wonder how to say it politely.
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I think this was polite, yet had a zing to it that got the message across. 👍

Next time she starts telling you other people’s personal details, just ask her if she would be happy if you told other people details about her the way she is now doing about others.
 
Julia_Mae said:
I am not known for being polite. The next time she says something you find offensive say: “Why are you telling me this?” Then keep asking questions making her explain herself until she sees herself that it’s inappropriate or tires of your questions and goes away.

For instance, as to why “H” was divorced. If you ask why she is telling you this and she says, “Well, I just wanted you to know she had a tough time.” You ask, “Why?” I mean, srsly, does she think you’d be cavalier or callus otherwise?

WHY is the great question.

Why is that important?
Why do you think I want to know this?

Why do you care?
Click to expand...
Excellent way to handle “H”. “H” can get this question, “Why would you tell me that?” every single time she says something that seems jarring. “H” won’t get the comfort of a “Oh, wow, really!” response but will instead will get a blank face looking at her and have to answer questions about why she is saying what she is saying. Excellent way to train the gossip out of her.
 
cmscms said:
I think Mary would want me to stand up for ‘H’ in a polite way. I can’t help but think ‘R’ will interrupt me though. I need to be firm when I do say something

CM
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If you think she will interrupt you, since you know her, this is probably the case. She may be completely uninterested in how you feel about a thing, which is why she cuts you off. She might be a person of very, very little empathy.

You could give up explaining yourself to her. Or, you when she interrupts you, you can listen and repeat it ALL back what she said, “You said, _______[etc.etc.] - right?” and then on affirmative you can immediately say, "I have something that I wanted to explain to you, " and say your thing. But if she is a person with little empathy you may have to make it very short and to the point.

Then again, some people just won’t be interested in your explaining yourself, and she might be one, so it might be a waste of breath. Sometimes its their personal weakness, sometimes personalities are so different that it just takes a lot for certain people to see things our way.

It could be the same way with your mother, whose approval you need. I do not know your situation with your Mom at all, but I do know that sometimes as adults, if we need our parent’s approval, that reveals that what was supposed to be there when we were growing up wasn’t, therefore, we still seek it from them. The trouble is, whatever piece of approval she is withholding (if that is the case) it is likely because she is* unable to give it,* for whatever reason (her own damage - we are all damaged - or her personality difference making some part of you hard for her to understand). And if that is the case, what you need is not her approval but your own arriving at acceptance, acceptance that you are just not going to get approval from her.

The good news to that is, you do have a Heavenly, perfect Mother who can give you that approval and validation that your earthly mother maybe can’t.

So Our Lady can help you meet those needs, or obtain God’s graces for you to heal you, so you can simply love your Mother with a Godly love just as she is, and not relate to her needing something - especially good if that something is something she is unable to give.

And sorry if this whole post is based on a skewed perception!
 
Detachment is a gift we must constantly seek.

And we have to grow in self-knowledge…knowing our limits of tolerance and accept them with humility and ask for the Lord’s grace…and to deliver us from all anxiety…
 
I don’t talk about others and if they want me to know something then I assume they will tell me. I guess this is why I have no close friends since I don’t like to pry into the lives of others and won’t make speculations on their personal lives. If someone told me something personal about someone else I would listen to be polite but not continue the conversation. I would try and change the subject if possible.
 
If someone, being corrected, hurries to amendment, it is a spiritual work of mercy to bear the wrong patiently. Being measured with the measure we use to measure with, it gives hope that doing so might relieve us of having to hear in detail the effects our own wrongs have had. That makes it easier to swallow being passed over for a chance to detail the harm done to us…it is an opportunity to lighten our own sentence on the day it will count.

It is also better not to revisit old wrongs. When she tells you things you do not need to be told or gets the truth wrong, gently remind her or correct her at the time, then let it pass over. You will probably not impress her any less than if you took a more overtly pedagogical tack. If she wants to learn, that small amount will instruct her. If she does not want to learn, that small amount will ruffle her feathers less, and you will have less to suffer.
 
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