Got kicked out of my church

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My priest, who has been my spiritual director for 2 years kicked me out of my college parish. We were having a spiritual direction meeting yesterday and I told him I missed mass last Sunday. He just snapped at me. I told him I confessed it to another priest before the meeting only because he wasn’t available that week. He didn’t care. He continued, in my judgement, to uncharitably attack my sin, even though I confessed it. He told me that I shouldn’t even be doing spiritual direction because I miss mass once in a blue moon. I’ve always struggled with going to mass every sunday, but I make it 90% of the time. He knows this too. He was so mad and, I tell you, the gentleness of the Holy Spirit was not with him. I finally told him that he was “peeing” me off and I said, quote, “No wonder so many Newman Center kids want you gone”. He said, “we’re done” and walked off.

I saw him in the office later and I wanted to speak to a nun on staff about it. He would let me takl to her. He also made it clear that I am not allowed on premises and am no longer allowed the Center’s privileges. It was one of the more frightening expieriences of my life, and it made me think, “This is why people leave the church”.

Any (name removed by moderator)ut, advice, or reflections?
 
Has this priest always had this kind of attitude? I simply don’t understand how a priest could act so uncharitably.

Is there another priest at this parish/ Newman Center you could talk too?
 
It sounds like something else upset him, and you just happened to be there when he exploded. I’m not saying his response was right, but it really probably wasn’t about you.

Your response to him was uncharitable. Regardless of how he acted, that doesn’t give you permission to lash out.

You’ve had a two-year relationship with him. Wait a week and then contact him with an apology. Hopefully, he too will then apologize.
 
To his credit he was having a bad day. He had a funeral mass and a rosary that really affected him the past couple days. But the nastiness toward a confessed sin was completely uncalled for. No. He is that parish’s pastor and the only priest there. I don’t know who to go to. After forming a good relationship with him for 2 years, him banning from my college social hub is just crazy. He’s not a bad guy, he’s just got wierd quirks. I don’t want to be hard on him but he’s an odd one. I wish you knew him
 
Oh, I misread your post.

You definitely shouldn’t have responded the way you did to the priest. I know you were upset, but telling the priest that the “Newman Center kids wanted him gone” is completely uncalled for.

I think you owe him an apology.
 
Regina7 said:
It sounds like something else upset him, and you just happened to be there when he exploded. I’m not saying his response was right, but it really probably wasn’t about you.

Your response to him was uncharitable. Regardless of how he acted, that doesn’t give you permission to lash out.

You’ve had a two-year relationship with him. Wait a week and then contact him with an apology. Hopefully, he too will then apologize.
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That’s some good (name removed by moderator)ut. Appreciate it!
 
ctb95 said:
Oh, I misread your post.

You definitely shouldn’t have responded the way you did to the priest. I know you were upset, but telling the priest that the “Newman Center kids wanted him gone” is completely uncalled for.

I think you owe him an apology.
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I definatly take responsibility for my actions and I will apologize, but banning me? That’s a little extreme
 
I disagree. I think the priest owes Binto an apology first.

For a priest to kick someone out of a parish is unconscionable. Does a priest even have the authority to “ban” someone from a parish like that? If a person is continually a problem, that would be one thing. But for the priest to lash out like he did and then ban someone? Uh-uh. I’d report him to the bishop. Someone with that mercurial of a personality shouldn’t be in a pastoral role.
 
on_the_hill said:
I disagree. I think the priest owes Binto an apology first.

For a priest to kick someone out of a parish is unconscionable. Does a priest even have the authority to “ban” someone from a parish like that? If a person is continually a problem, that would be one thing. But for the priest to lash out like he did and then ban someone? Uh-uh. I’d report him to the bishop. Someone with that mercurial of a personality shouldn’t be in a pastoral role.
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It was scary. I agree that he owes me an apology, but I shouldn’t have said what I said either. However a ban from the place that has given me so much spiritual guidance for the past two years just sounds unChristian. I think he needs time. I never really thought he meant what he said
 
What you said was hurtful - it may be the truth; however, can you see how your anger led to harming another? Could you have handled the situation differently? He hurt you, so you could have simply said that, without attacking back. Did you consider, although it may not excuse his actions, that your Priest was having an off day? Maybe he was dealing with the death of someone close or some other mater of such severity? To add insult to injury, you then took the matter to another person without first trying to talk with him.
  • I’m not saying that either you nor he are in the wrong… just that some poor choices were made by both sides.
Of course, I speak from the position of almost half-a-century of life experience… not the mere quarter wherein I expect you are currently.

If I were in your position, what I would do, is very carefully write a letter explaining that you were hurt by his comments regarding the situation discussed at your last meeting and reacted in a rash manner. Ask to have a meeting with him to discuss what happened. Keep the letter short, do not go in to any depth/detail - K.I.S. 🙂 - So few people write letters anymore that this act should catch his attention and shows an effort on your part to heal the wound. I would then shred that first draft and re-write the letter. Personally, I find that for me, the first draft is usually unrefined/over stated.

Your only other option to resolve this matter at the local level is to try one more time to contact him by phone. I think the letter is a better option in that you can read it several times before you send it.

After you have attempted this course, if there is no reconciliation between you two, then you’re only other option, that I know of, is to contact the Chancery Office in your Dioceses and file a complaint.

As for a spiritual leader… maybe you two were not the best fit here… while you are talking to the Chancery Office, see if they have resources available to help you find a new spiritual director. IMHO, even if you re-establish good terms with this gentleman, you should move on to another person for spiritual guidance.

peace be with you
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((As I post this, it appears that I have cross-posted in the conversation and that others have made some other comments))
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  • As for the priest owing the apology first: I can see this; however, it would be a great act of charity to write the letter asking for a meeting.
  • As for the Pastor “banning” someone from the site: this is well within the privilege granted to the Pastor. May not be right. May not be fair. But it is the Pastor’s privilege.
  • As for reporting the Pastor to the Chancery/Bishop: the proper course of action is to always work from the lowest level possible. The Bishop would most likely ask if that was done in this case. I can’t speak for anyone here; however, that is what we teach in the RCIA classes where I have been part of the catechesis team.
– Writing the letter to the Pastor, will allow some time to pass, head to cool, and hopefully a reconciliation.
 
I think sometimes a priest responds to us with tough love. Perhaps the Holy Spirit prompted him to respond that way. I don’t know your reasons for missing Mass, but perhaps in God’s eyes your reasons aren’t good enough. Perhaps you have begun expecting absolution (sin of presumption) and expecting easy confessions with an easy penance. And perhaps today the Holy Spirit told this priest that wasn’t what you needed and that you needed some tough love so that you will stop missing Mass.

Then again, perhaps the priest was having a bad day.

Either way, the priest is acting in the person of Christ and you have a duty to accept what he says and the penance you receive with humility. The one thing I’m absolutely sure of is that you did not respond to the priest with humility. Would you tell God he was “p-ing” you off? Because that’s pretty much what you did, since in the confessional the priest is acting in the person of Christ.

You need to go back with humility and apologize from the heart to what you did. If you don’t feel sorry for it yet, then pray to the Holy Spirit to help you to develop the contrition and the humility you need to go see the priest. Don’t try and go around him, don’t go to someone else, go to him and apologize.
 
Binto said:
My priest, who has been my spiritual director for 2 years kicked me out of my college parish. We were having a spiritual direction meeting yesterday and I told him I missed mass last Sunday. He just snapped at me. I told him I confessed it to another priest before the meeting only because he wasn’t available that week. He didn’t care. He continued, in my judgement, to uncharitably attack my sin, even though I confessed it. He told me that I shouldn’t even be doing spiritual direction because I miss mass once in a blue moon. I’ve always struggled with going to mass every sunday, but I make it 90% of the time. He knows this too. He was so mad and, I tell you, the gentleness of the Holy Spirit was not with him. I finally told him that he was “peeing” me off and I said, quote, “No wonder so many Newman Center kids want you gone”. He said, “we’re done” and walked off.

I saw him in the office later and I wanted to speak to a nun on staff about it. He would let me takl to her. He also made it clear that I am not allowed on premises and am no longer allowed the Center’s privileges. It was one of the more frightening expieriences of my life, and it made me think, “This is why people leave the church”.

Any (name removed by moderator)ut, advice, or reflections?
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From what I read and understand, it seems he might have had an underlying issue that was the real fuel to his anger. I’m sorry to say, you’re the one that broke the camel’s back 😦

On the other hand, and I don’t mean to offend you, but rather advise you for future situations, you too seem to have displayed some disordered anger as well, when you said that he was pissing you off, and even worse, that you directly pitted everyone against him (everyone gets defensive when you do this, although it’s not a good thing).

My advice for you, based on what you have told me, is that you should apologize to him, either in person or in writing. You should tell him that you sorry for what you have said, that you shouldn’t have said them, and that you accept his decision to expell you from the Center (even if it is unjust; don’t mention this in the Apology). It is never good to leave these things unreconciled, even if you avoid him in the future.

There is a saintly monk in Egypt who was accused falsely of fornication by a women, who, at the time of the birth of the child, could not deliver the child until she confessed that the saint was not the Father. Before this, however, the monk was accused and rejected by everyone, and was considered damned. He never once attempted to defend himself, but rather humbly accepted the false accusations.

The humility shown by this saint is also the goal God is setting for you here: to humbly accept this injustice done to you. Who knows, since most people react positively to acts of humility, he might even reverse his descision!

If you don’t think this is the best route to take though, remember that this is just the recommendation of the sinner Lucretius 😃

Christi pax,

Lucretius
 
This definitely not something to report to the bishop, atleast not yet. There should be an attempt at reconciliation first. I think it’s also reasonable to maybe think about where the priest is coming from. Binto you’ve said he was already having a rough day, you also said you make Mass “90% of the time”. If you meet with him once a month that means every other meeting or ever third at most you are telling him *yet again *that you missed Mass. He could think you are not taking things seriously and got frustrated. Yes, there are some sins that get confessed over and over, but they are usually addictions or compulsions. Missing Mass is a mortal sin and he could be exasperated that he’s not getting through to you. The sentence “because I miss Mass once in a blue moon” indicates a little to me you don’t realize the severity of this sin.

So, if we’re being fair to him, the situation could have been: he’s having a bad day, you come in and talk about missing Mass AGAIN and don’t seem to be too concerned about it. He tries some tough love with you to get through, you then blow up at him using less than polite phrases and attack his benefit to the Newman center. Then, before he’s had a chance to cool down from the last encounter you show up again. This could have just been too much for one day.

I think it would be best to reach out to him, apologize for the part you played and the things you said, affirm him as a pastor (someone who has been willing to meet with you and give you spiritual guidance for 2 years…), and then ask if he’d been willing to work past what happened.

If and only if he then refuses should you seek help from higher up.
 
What a bizarre situation! I have never heard of anything like this happening. I didn’t even realize that a pastor could ban a parishioner, just because they don’t get along! I know lots of situations where a person didn’t get along with a pastor and I’ve never heard of this happening. Frankly, I think both of your behavior was pretty outrageous. Probably this priest is not the best choice for a spiritual adviser.
 
Your spiritual director is a treasure. Write him a letter of profound apology and pray that he will take you back.
 
detoutcoeur said:
Your spiritual director is a treasure. Write him a letter of profound apology and pray that he will take you back.
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I agree. Don’t let pride get the better of you. Be the adult in these situations if it comes to it.

You both have my prayers. :gopray:

Oh, and, I’m not really sure if clergy can ban you from the Newman Center.
 
Allegra said:
What a bizarre situation! I have never heard of anything like this happening. I didn’t even realize that a pastor could ban a parishioner, just because they don’t get along! I know lots of situations where a person didn’t get along with a pastor and I’ve never heard of this happening. Frankly, I think both of your behavior was pretty outrageous. Probably this priest is not the best choice for a spiritual adviser.
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I was banned from a Newman Center several years ago. But it was the culmination of a long string of accusations against me, some of which had merit. Frankly I wasn’t too sorry to go, because the place was so liberal I was just about fuming every time I attended a liturgy.
 
I am sorry you had such a bad experience. Since I am only getting your side of the story and I don’t know this priest personally I can maybe just say you need to give it a week or so and try to make contact with him again to talk things out. I didn’t know you could get banned. That must be hurtful. I will pray for you.
 
z_0101 said:
What you said was hurtful - it may be the truth; however, can you see how your anger led to harming another? Could you have handled the situation differently? He hurt you, so you could have simply said that, without attacking back.
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Life experience has taught me that even if you are in the right, it is always best to keep your cool and not say something that you will later regret. Still, that priest sounds like he can be very mean and take out his anger on others who don’t deserve it. :eek:
 
If I am reading this right your priest didn’t kick you out of the parish, but out of the Nuemens club. You can not be banned from the parish as ]you can still go to church. It sounds as if you have a potty mouth and have poor control over it. It sounds as if you are making poor excuses for missing mass and the priest is fed up with it…just my own opinion.
 
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