Got myself into a mess

[MissMaryMack]

My husband has a relationship with our priest which is too friendly, not romantic, but hurting our marriage a lot. I will share with you what I long for him to do and hope that you will offer yourself fully to your own husband.

1. Break all contact with the priest immediately. No trying to save him, no last goodbyes, nothing. This, to me, is needed because he’s currently too weak to handle the situation and it sends a clear message to me and to my husband that we’ve started a new chapter without the priest’s influence.
2. Seek out a strong, holy spiritual advisor whose authority he is willing to place himself under.
3. Confess.
4. Follow the advice of the spiritual director, including if it is difficult advice such as sharing what is going on, fully and honestly, with the bishop.
5. Make a conscious decision to choose his marriage, his wife, his family, his vows, and to love every day and in every situation. This would include a recognition that he has not been doing that and that he needs to change.
6. Share with me his struggles and his needs so that I can help him to be the husband God intended.
7. Confess to the same spiritual advisor regularly.
8. Seek counseling to determine what was going on inside him to allow him to make these poor decisions and to learn new ways of dealing with those weaknesses in the future.
9. Pray. Pray with me. Pray with my son. Pray by himself. Pray as a family. Give all of it over to God and seek to do His will.
10. Give me everything he promised to give me in marriage, all that attention and interest and conversation and fun that he’s been giving to someone else. Put himself into our marriage and work to make it what it can be.

I hope you’ll consider doing the same thing. Recognizing that you’ve done something wrong and that you need to change is so important. I’ll pray for you and your marriage.

Mary

 

[Ramalama]

I’m in a mess and I dont know what to dver the past year I have become friendly with a priest who was passing through our town for a few weeks.We hit it off instantly as he is young(my age) and we got on well. We remained in touch electronically, and then we would have the odd phone conversation.I am married and my husband is not catholic, and never met him.Recently however, the relationship has become a bit more involved, and we both admitted we were attracted to one another, and were I not married, he would like to take the relationship further and see what could develop, despite the fact he is a priest. I know that this whole situation is wrong,but the thought of breaking all contact, even as friends, is painful.We both know that realistically, nothing will ever happen.It just highlights the situation that priests are only human, and the issue of celibacy is very hard for young priests especially.For me, I have always been a model wife and so it is a huge shock to me to see how I could have feelings for another man, especially a priest.I am in such a turmoil about the whole situation, and although I feel terrible guilt on the one hand, I don’t want to let go.I am behaving like a stupid teenager.I think about this situation all the time.I am sure many people will be very critical, but I just needed to get this off my chest.

I’ve been thinking about this since I read your post earlier today. I don’t want to be “very critical”, but I do what to be honest and say what needs to be said.

This guy is a priest. He should be chastised and punished for what he’s doing. I know you won’t contact his superiors, but you should. Give those bishops and cardinals, that allowed all the bad stuff to go on for so long, a chance to get something right for a change.

He’s taking advantage of you. Run from him. Send him an e-mail and tell him he’s abusing his position and cheating on his wife, the church. Don’t talk to him, now or ever again. Don’t whine about it being difficult, walking away from a sinful situation almost always is. Pray to Saint Michael for help with this, but do it. Don’t fall for whatever the priest responds with, don’t even read it. Don’t answer his phone calls. Make the break absolutely clean!

OK, you’re not being a saint in this thing either. When you run from him, run back to your husband. He, and your relationship with him, may not be perfect, but it’s the one you promissed God you would uphold. You didn’t say unless something better comes along and you can trade up. Start working on your marriage!

You’re on the edge of the shaft leading to hell. I suggest you get away from it!

Then sit for about an hour a day and try to figure out what you can learn from this. Jesus will help you if you ask - maybe even if you don’t.

God bless you.

(Please excuse the spelling errors, I can’t spell check on this machine.)

 

[Godfollower]

You said you have kids. If your daughter were in your situation, what advice would you give her? I suspect that you would tell her not to carry on with a priest, for the following reasons:

1. He’s celibate; he violates his vow to God when he goes on a date (or whatever he chooses to call it).
2. She’s married; she violates her vow to God and her husband when she goes on a date (or whatever she chooses to call it).
3. How can she trust a priest who willingly tempts a married woman to violate her marriage vows?

Leaving that example aside, I would also ask what you would tell your kids if they asked you about your relationship with this priest.

You need to break it off with him. For your sake, because he’s an occasion of sin to you. For his sake, because you’re an occasion of sin to him. For your husband’s sake, because your seeing this priest is a sin against your husband. And for your children’s sake, because the children always find out about these things, and you don’t want them seeing this example.

And you don’t need to worry about getting the priest in trouble by going to confession. The seal of the confessional is absolute; many a bishop and priest has said that, if he were told of a bomb in a building during confession, he would do his best to get the penitent to warn everyone, but he would not tell the authorities: because he can’t. Of course, it would be better to tell someone in authority about it; what makes you think you’re the only person he’s saying these things to? It’s your civic duty as a member of the diocese to get him reined in (I know, that’s easy for me to say). But, if you don’t turn him in, you at least have to call it off.

By the way, you cannot validly confess to him. Canon law specifically forbids it.

Please, put yourself in your husband’s shoes. If he were seeing someone, you would expect him to call it off; doesn’t he deserve the same respect from you? And don’t you deserve the same respect from yourself?

 

[HopefulOne]

I hate to say it, but I know a priest who had an affair with a married woman. This was discovered, and he was sent away for 6 months psych diagnosis and counseling – he is back in another parish, celebrating the Sacraments and preaching and "teaching"once more. The woman is in the process of a divorce and child custody battle.

Both were certainly guilty of adultery. I don’t know, but I don’t think it was in their plans, at least not hers… she was going for marriage counseling.

Please cut off this “friendship” immediately. Go to confession, and probably report him to the bishop… let’s hope this is his first flirtation, but it might not be, and won’t be his last, if he doesn’t get some help and guidance now. He might me “making good friends” with others too for all we know. God help him!

You are both in my prayers.

 

[whatevergirl]

Such sensible advise, and so caringly put.Thank you. I do love my husband and children.I guess it is just some excitement, all be it the wrong type,in a life which has become rather mundane.

In the mundane, life is lived. Sometimes the excitement of another person of the opposite sex being attracted to us can be thrilling…but, sin creeps up on us. Never hits us over the head in one foul swoop–ever notice that? It just slowly sets in…creeps up…and zap…you’re in it. The fact that you are posting this is great–a wonderful admission, and cleansing, even. I know that you’ll do the right thing–and breaking all contact (sadly) is the right thing to do. I will pray that you will have strength during this situation–and that God will comfort you through the loss of this dear friend…but, it sounds like breaking all communications would be the wise choice.

I will also pray for this priest…

 

[MCH]

Thank you all for your messages.I must admit I have not been able to go to confession yet,I know it sounds stupid, but I am scared!This is the first time I have ever “stepped over the line” in my life, and it would be something so scandalous.I’ve had no contact with him for 2 weeks, and if i’m honest it has been really painful.What drew me to him was the fact that I admired him for being able to give his life 100% to God at such a young age and to sacrifice marriage etc.He is also a very humble and kind person with a great sense of humour.I miss him not being part of my life, and although my head knows what I have to do, my heart is sore, and yet I feel guilty feeling that way, because the relationship is wrong.It’s hard to imagine a life never seeing him again.My children have also become friendly with him, and are going to miss him.What I am going to tell them, I don’t know.So I haven’t been to confession because I might be a hypocrite because I still miss him.
It was so wonderful to read all the advice, because today was a day when I felt my resolve crumbling, and I needed to read the postings to remind me of the seriousness of the situation.

 

[CatholicSam]

It doesn’t matter that you still miss him. Going to Confession will not make you a hypocrite! You are being tempted to not go to Confession. Make a date now for this coming Saturday. You could go to a church you normally don’t go to, if you are scared of the possibility of scandal. I’m definitely not an expert, but I don’t think you even have to mention the fact that he is a priest. The sin is that you have started an inappropriate relationship with a man while you are a married woman and he is not “available” either. The identity of the priest will not be asked.

You are scared of being a hypocrite and causing a scandal. But the thing you should **really **be scared about is dying with this serious sin on your soul. The devil knows this and is doing all he can to prevent you from returning to a state of grace. Don’t let him win out in the end!

You also mentioned that this is the first time you’ve crossed the line. This part of your reluctance to confess might be some pride creeping up. Going to Confession will help you to stay humble (as well as give you renewed grace and strength to stay firm against the temptation to be with this priest). When you feel like you couldn’t possibly go to Confession for this, pray “Jesus, please get me to Confession!” over and over, even if you don’t *feel *it from the heart. He will answer your prayer

 

[homewardangel]

Recently however, the relationship has become a bit more involved, and we both admitted we were attracted to one another, and were I not married, he would like to take the relationship further and see what could develop, despite the fact he is a priest.

I don’t understand one thing, maybe I missed it in the original post. Now I can admit that I am niave, but also one has to admit that people misunderstand things. I don’t know what the priest’s exact words were, but is it possible that he didn’t even mean anything sexual at all? I would imagine that some priests lives can be demanding as they may have parishes and even other people just as yourself that they talk to. Just imagine if there were 3 other people that he was having these types of discussions with and still had his other duties. This could be quite a drain on his time. And he may feel that it would be unfair to keep you from your family as well.

And yes, people can be attracted to eachother and not mean a physical attraction. I have a friend who once told me of a priest that she was attracted to - and she was quite embarassed. When I met that priest I was quite sure that she could rip her clothes off and jump on him and she would be safe - it was different for her than it was for him. He probably thinks very highly of her, but in a different way. Which is actually probably a better regard to have for a human being than a sexual regard anyway.

Take an honest look at yourself and ask what it is this priest seems to be replacing? What is the big “if only” in your life that would make it better? Would your life be better if only your husband were Catholic? Would your life be better if only there were more excitement. Identify that and work towards that with your husband and family.

This is exactly the point. Its not whether the priest would have physical temptations or not - its whether she does. Because even if the priest is willing to cross the line with her, it doesn’t matter if she isn’t going across the line. Basically, it comes down to how much you trust yourself. Knowing that your marriage is not meeting all of your needs can be a very scary enlightenment. Count your blessings that it was a priest who helped to shed some light on this - a lesser man may have taken advantage.

Just my thoughts

Terry

 

[stadre]

Thank you all for your messages.I must admit I have not been able to go to confession yet,I know it sounds stupid, but I am scared!This is the first time I have ever “stepped over the line” in my life, and it would be something so scandalous.I’ve had no contact with him for 2 weeks, and if i’m honest it has been really painful.What drew me to him was the fact that I admired him for being able to give his life 100% to God at such a young age and to sacrifice marriage etc.He is also a very humble and kind person with a great sense of humour.**I miss him not being part of my life, and although my head knows what I have to do, my heart is sore, and yet I feel guilty feeling that way, because the relationship is wrong.It’s hard to imagine a life never seeing him again.My children have also become friendly with him, and are going to miss him.**What I am going to tell them, I don’t know.So I haven’t been to confession because I might be a hypocrite because I still miss him.
It was so wonderful to read all the advice, because today was a day when I felt my resolve crumbling, and I needed to read the postings to remind me of the seriousness of the situation.

It would be just as easy to say these things if he wasn’t a priest, just a man from the office/neighborhood, etc. You said you aren’t going to confession to avoid being a hypocrite–confess this as well. That is what confession is about. Satan wants our sins to feel good to us so that we continue to do them. But, you belong to Christ so, if you use all the tools He has given you, you will remain in Him.

 

[DJgang]

MCH, thank you for your honesty and starting this thread.

I do wish, however to talk to you privately, if you wish, please PM me.

(I am a wife, mother, as well and that’s all I need to say)

Thanks.

God bless you. Be strong.

 

[MissMaryMack]

You do not have to feel guilty to go to confession. Feelings are helpful, but they don’t matter in the end. You have to know what you did was wrong and have made a decision to not continue doing it.

People with same sex attraction might not ever stop being attracted to the same sex. Their feelings or brief thoughts don’t matter. What matters is that they make a conscious decision not to entertain the thoughts out of lust and not to follow through with the feelings and have sexual contact outside marriage. The feelings are there, but they don’t matter because they’ve made a concious decision to do God’s will.

You don’t have to stop liking him to go to confession. That will come with time. You have to know it is wrong and desire to stop. That’s all that’s required for confession.

In the mean time, you need to work on liking your husband more. You have all these good memories with the priest and bad memories with your husband. You have to work slowly and steadily so that you have more good memories with your husband. When you do, you’ll stop feeling this way about the priest. That could take a long time, so you better not wait on confessing until you feel like it. Go take advantage of the grace and mercy of God now, while you are in particular need of it.

 

[mary_s_kid]

.What drew me to him was the fact that I admired him for being able to give his life 100% to God at such a young age and to sacrifice marriage etc.QUOTE]

Ask yourself if he is giving himself 100% to God now. If you both were to allow this to follow the worst possible path, what would you admire in him then? How would he feel about you for accompanying him down that dead end path? There can be no happy ending here as far as you and he are concerned. And your husband is being cheated by you giving your attention to another man. I hope and pray you have the strength to do the right thing.

 

[kquinn]

The fact that this is such a serious matter is a spur to go to confession…the bigger teh sin, the more our need. Please go ASAP. Good for you for cutting contact. I’m sure it’s painful, but it would be more painful if you continued: your marriage would suffer, your husband/children would eventually find out, etc. Maybe it would help (and I’m just suggesting, and mean it in love) if you stop dwelling on his “good” attributes (he is leading/helping you to sin) and begin to concentrate more on your husband. Don’t worry about what you’ll tell your children, you’re saving them and your husband from the heartache of a broken marriage and a possible future (unwarranted) distrust of the Church.

So I haven’t been to confession because I might be a hypocrite because I still miss him.

When you go to confession, admit this too…it is no reason to prevent you from going. God’s grace from this sacrament will aid you in overcoming it.God bless, I’m praying for you

 

[gardenswithkids]

… I don’t want to be “very critical”, but I do what to be honest and say what needs to be said.

This guy is a priest. He should be chastised and punished for what he’s doing. I know you won’t contact his superiors, but you should. …He’s taking advantage of you. Run from him…

I hope the original poster takes this advice. Wolves sometimes wear shepherd’s clothing.

 

[Godfollower]

Thank you all for your messages.I must admit I have not been able to go to confession yet,I know it sounds stupid, but I am scared!This is the first time I have ever “stepped over the line” in my life, and it would be something so scandalous.I’ve had no contact with him for 2 weeks, and if i’m honest it has been really painful.What drew me to him was the fact that I admired him for being able to give his life 100% to God at such a young age and to sacrifice marriage etc.He is also a very humble and kind person with a great sense of humour.I miss him not being part of my life, and although my head knows what I have to do, my heart is sore, and yet I feel guilty feeling that way, because the relationship is wrong.It’s hard to imagine a life never seeing him again.My children have also become friendly with him, and are going to miss him.What I am going to tell them, I don’t know.So I haven’t been to confession because I might be a hypocrite because I still miss him.
It was so wonderful to read all the advice, because today was a day when I felt my resolve crumbling, and I needed to read the postings to remind me of the seriousness of the situation.

There’s nothing to be scared of in confession. If the priest hearing your confession has been a priest for more than just a few months, he will have already heard far worse than you can imagine. Remember: he cannot say or do anything outside the confessional about this, no matter what; your confessor would go to jail rather than repeat what you said. So there won’t be any kind of “Aha! You’re the one!” once you’re done.

(Irrelevant but amusing aside: A priest I used to know once told us that he always wanted to yell at the top of his lungs during confession: “You did WHAT??? With a FORK???!!!” and let it echo throughout the church . But he never would, because the seal of the confessional is sacred).

The fact that you still miss this priest is not an obstacle to absolution; what is required is an understanding that this relationship is wrong, combined with a current intent to cut it off (i.e., “Go and sin no more”). If you have any doubt about this, then just say so to the confessor: “I know it’s wrong, but I still miss him.” The confessor will help you with it.

Stay strong, and do the right thing. Focus on your husband and children. You’re in our prayers.

 

[iamrefreshed]

I’ve been on the other end of unfaithfulness and I will tell you, without mincing words, you are defiling your marriage, your husband, your children and God.

If your marriage needs help try Retrouvaille. It is an excellent community of support.

You mention the “excitement” of this illicit union. That’s not excitement, it’s guilty pleasure. Tell me, were you excited when your children were born? Does it feel the same? When your children learn their mother ran off with a priest will you be “excited”?

I’m sorry if I sound harsh but sometimes a dash of reality is needed. I’ll pray for you, your husband, your children and the priest.

 

[St_Gabriel]

I’m truely sorry to hear this.

It’s not clear to me whether or not this “love” relationship is 2 sided or just one sided. Regardless, if it is one sided, just break all ties (including the emails). Ask Our Lady to help you.

 

[MCH]

There was never any talk of “love”.It was just a friendship in which 2 people of the opposite sex found they were attracted to one another.The trouble was one is a priest, the other a married woman.I heard on a Christian radio program that it is never guaranteed that as a married person you will never find another person attractive.It’s what you do with it.We have not been sexually intimate, and I am not going to be selfish and break up my family.I am trying to let go, and we have had no contact for 2 weeks.He doesn’t live in the area.However, as you get to know someone, even if it’s not intimately, your emotions DO become involved, and yes, if he was not a priest and I was not married, I would want to take things further. So it’s the emotions of letting go of something, even though sense prevails and you know it’s the right thing to do.The trouble is I find it hard to be intimate with my husband when all this is going on in my head, and he has no idea of what’s upsetting me.All he knows is that X was a friend, and we are no longer in touch.

 

[gardenswithkids]

…emotions DO become involved, and yes, if he was not a priest and I was not married, I would want to take things further. So it’s the emotions of letting go of something, even though sense prevails and you know it’s the right thing to do.The trouble is I find it hard to be intimate with my husband when all this is going on in my head, and he has no idea of what’s upsetting me.All he knows is that X was a friend, and we are no longer in touch.

I applaud you for staying out of contact with him. I don’t know if this will help or not, but maybe it might help you keep a proper perspective on this matter.

As a very little girl, I remember wanting to marry my Daddy. I told him so one day, and he gently explained that he was already married to my mommy and that he couldn’t marry me. Catholics call priests “father” because we, the laity, are their “spiritual children.” Just as I found my daddy “attractive”, spiritual children sometimes find Father attractive. But romantic relationship require equals, and a priest can never be your equal—he is your spiritual father. That would make any romantic relationship with him “spiritual incest”.

Forgive us if you thought some of us too harsh on this priest, but he should have behaved better than he did. Like my daddy, with any mention of your attraction to him, he should have gently told you he is already committed to your mother, the Church. Instead, it seems he encouraged your emotional attraction for him to develop in an unhealthy way.

The attraction I felt as a young girl for my daddy, I now feel for my children’s daddy. Your attraction for this Father belongs to your children’s father too. Father X was never a friend; he was a man who appears ready to betray the vows he made to his bride, the Church, with one of their children. If your husband doesn’t have incestuous feelings towards his children, then your husband is a much better man than Father X.

 

[DailyBread]

I would commend you for your clean break. If it has not been mentioned, you should never mention names in confession; they must go to confession themselves, but it might be good to alert the Bishop since the Bishop has a duty to watch over the ones who help tend his flock.
This priest may be done seeking you out, but that may not stop him from seeking other women out, married or non married, that risk his spiritual state. He needs definite assistance.