Got stuck. I have fallen and can't get up

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Probably you have heard this story a million times, but I have don’t face my inner demons before or after or I get out of this one or I get swallowed by the waters. Like the prayer says, I am not ashamed to show to You my sores; I am afraid of my sins, but I trust Your Mercy. So I will cling with all my might and hope for the best.

Yes, I have struggled with depression and anxiety. Yes, I will seek professional help when I have the chance, but it is not the time as I have no access now and it will have to wait a bit longer, if that worries you. So, letting out of the question. I was kind of a lapsed, but some years ago I have been trying to take seriously my faith. Really. Mass, Blessed Sacrament, Prayer, Bible, Rosary when I got to it, Confession. Well, you know. However, it seems like I have hit a massive yet invisible wall.

Its like all what I have been trying to do all those years, without knowing how or when, have vanished in front of my eyes. Being back in square one. Now that I have learned too much, I can’t avoid my responsability. My reason understands, yet my heart refuses. It’s like I never understand anything from the beginning and keeping being an ignorant for all your life. What’s that faith my reason speaks of? What’s that love that everyone speaks of, yet seems incomprehensible? Probably I stuck my nose on bussiness that were not mine. Probably I tried to go too far away, probably I read spiritual books that were too far away from my state and I seeked it out myself.

Why everytime I read what saints said it just strucks me with fear and turmoil? Yes, sure are those scruples again. I thought I got better from them, but it is like I never recovered. That loving of suffering and seeking suffering and everything suffering suffering suffering, and everything pointing at suffering, trials, martydom, beause is a proof of love. I thought, like St. Ignatius said, that the Lord opened my eyes a tiny bit, but now I understand that I really understand no thing. It keeps leaving me dumbfounded. Sure, it is a mystery of faith. And faith only comes from above. Yet thinking that only what is left in this life is that, is not a nice prospect.

And probably after that, you would tell me, but life is but a breeze in comparision with the bliss of Heaven. Yeah, cool. If one could probably get stuck on sin, sin, sin, everywhere sin, you sinner, sin this, sin that. Sin is an offense to God who loves you deeply, you are responsible for your actions, how could you do that to someone who you love. My reason knows, but my heart don’t. Penance, penance, penance, fasting, hey pray, be charitable please, penance, to pay for your sins in this life. I always appreciated St. Augustine’s life, but how to answer and justify what you do after you have meet God.
 
Sure, the conclusion is that I am a scruple with two pair of legs and not very well-adjusted brain right now. Sure, people are having it way worse, living with cancer, losing their loved ones, hunger and poverty, that have more right to be depressed or feeling this way, and it is selfish for my part, begging pity. Sigh.

But I just wanted to be honest, at least with myself, and not trying to keep that image of a perfect faith when it just a big mess of, whatever it is now, or left. It is like I never knew the Lord after all these years, even when I was sure He was Him. It is like any of that happened. Sometimes I think how would be remaining in an ignorant bliss, yet going back to the old life is nor going to help nor leaving the conscience rest. It is a fleeting and fake happiness what the world offers, I know. But I feel like Jonah drowning between in the sea in the middle of nowhere-land, nor here, nor there.

I guess, like the father in the Gospel, I only can cry: “Lord, help me my unbelief”, and be there, still. And be still, silently.

Sorry for the ranting, but was leaving it up inside or share with people who could help. I prefer the later. Peace be with you.
 
I pray for your soul to be at peace.

O Blood and Water, which gushed forth from the Heart of Jesus as a fountain of Mercy for us, I trust in You!

Our Father, Who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name; Thy kingdom come; Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil, Amen.

Hail Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death, Amen.

Eternal Father, I offer you the Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity of Your Dearly Beloved Son, Our Lord, Jesus Christ, in atonement for our sins and those of the whole world.

For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world. x10

Holy God, Holy Mighty One, Holy Immortal One, have mercy on us and on the whole world.
 
Kyson, I am sorry for what you are going through. But please don’t overthink things. If reading the writings of the saints is going to cause you to be scrupulous, then perhaps this is not the time for it in your life. Do not make your faith more difficult than you can handle at this point in time. We are all at different places in our faith journey.

Even though you may not have access to professional counseling, you can still make an appointment and speak to a priest. He may be able to offer you some spiritual advice for where you are right now.
 
I have battled with anxiety and depression off and on for much of my life. Simply put, you have to get a handle on your depression and anxiety from a medical/psychological perspective. Until you do, everything you experience will be colored by and impacted by your anxiety and depression. This includes your spiritual life.

I encourage you to make that call sooner rather than later.

God bless you.
 
mrsdizzyd said:
I have battled with anxiety and depression off and on for much of my life. Simply put, you have to get a handle on your depression and anxiety from a medical/psychological perspective. Until you do, everything you experience will be colored by and impacted by your anxiety and depression. This includes your spiritual life.
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I too have suffered greatly most of my life with anxiety disorder and depression. I concur with mrsdizzy wholeheartedly; to be able to get a handle on it all you must seek professional help. I tried for years to handle it myself and fell flat.
 
Thank you everyone for your understanding and your prayers. As you say, probably the best I can do is at least try psychological counseling when I have the opportunity, and until then, be patient and not try to bite off more than I can chew.

I have not been able to pray for a while, yet today I was going back from a mountainside walk… coincidentally it was Mass time at the parish near home, so I decided to get in… the Gospel today was the healing of the paralytic, and they had that picture (probably you have seen it somewhere) of Jesus holding a man which has a hammer in one hand and nails in the other (the same that in another picture is nailing Jesus’ feet on the Cross), with the words, “the Son of man has authority on earth to forgive sins”. The opening words were, “Your sins are forgiven”.

Well, it is kind of weird that I had no intention to go to Mass today, and I decided to go, and the Gospel was precisely that one… I don’t know if it is a message or what… maybe when I manage to pick myself a bit, maybe is time to go to confession some day after Mass…

Anyway, God bless. Thank you again for listening. Peace be with you.
 
When I found myself unable to pray early last year (related to a spike in my anxiety), I started by simply reading form prayers and the scriptures, then I’d try to think about how it might apply to my life. No more than 10 minutes or so a day. Or, I’d just go and sit in a church.
 
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