Grad school childcare question

[AClaire11]

I don’t care for how my interest in pursuing higher education in order to enter a field I’ve considered for years, but previously dismissed, is being interpreted as mere boredom.

I will be able to get merit aid, scholarships, and financial aid, and my parents previously pledged to pay for any grad school I attend. I am just trying to figure out how to manage childcare or work around needing it. The online classes require you to be online at certain times during the day, so I’m not sure how well that would work. Night classes sound like the best option, as long as I can find time for homework.

 

[Xantippe]

I looked at the website for the childcare program and apparently it costs $1240 a month! I don’t know why, but I assumed that since it is for students, it would be at least somewhat subsidized by the school. This is ridiculous. Between daycare costs and our horrible maternal leave policies, no wonder the US has lower workforce participation among women.

If you relocate pretty much anywhere else, childcare costs will be lower.

 

[Xantippe]

I don’t care for how my interest in pursuing higher education in order to enter a field I’ve considered for years, but previously dismissed, is being interpreted as mere boredom.

I will be able to get merit aid, scholarships, and financial aid, and my parents previously pledged to pay for any grad school I attend. I am just trying to figure out how to manage childcare or work around needing it. The online classes require you to be online at certain times during the day, so I’m not sure how well that would work. Night classes sound like the best option, as long as I can find time for homework.

Well, you’ve described a very dire financial and material situation, and even if your school was completely free, you would have very substantial childcare costs.

That means that at least in the short term and under the best possible circumstances, this would represent a large step backward in your family’s economic situation. In slightly worse circumstances, you start building up student loans and perhaps wind up dropping out of your program and find yourself with no degree, but with substantial debt. There’s also the question of how the other plan you’ve talked about (having more children) fits in with the graduate school plan. If you think paying for childcare for one child in NOVA is expensive, wait until you price it for two or three…

If I were you, I’d ask my parents to help with an inexpensive car instead.

Also. if you want to work, work now, and fund your childcare out of your earnings.

 

[AClaire11]

Well, you’ve described a very dire financial and material situation, and even if your school was completely free, you would have very substantial childcare costs.

That means that at least in the short term and under the best possible circumstances, this would represent a large step backward in your family’s economic situation. In slightly worse circumstances, you start building up student loans and perhaps wind up dropping out of your program and find yourself with no degree, but with substantial debt. There’s also the question of how the other plan you’ve talked about (having more children) fits in with the graduate school plan. If you think paying for childcare for one child in NOVA is expensive, wait until you price it for two or three…

If I were you, I’d ask my parents to help with an inexpensive car instead.

Also. if you want to work, work now, and fund your childcare out of your earnings.

My parents won’t pay for anything other than grad school. Aside from being willing to provide for more education, they see me as a fully independent adult and no longer their responsibility.

The only job I’ve been able to find since graduating was working part time at a parochial school. That doesn’t pay enough to cover childcare. So the only other options would be working some awful night job and having to suddenly wean my daughter and never getting to see my husband, who works twelve hours a day until next January, and never be able to sleep, or try to find a nanny job, but I’m not sure anyone would hire a nanny with no car, who lives in a tiny apartment with two unfriendly cats. So we’d have to go into debt to buy a car so I can work in order to try to save up thousands of dollars just to pay for ridiculously high daycare costs. This situation is impossible. And I don’t think it’s worthy of incredulity to assume that a daycare specifically for students would attempt to make it affordable for students. There’s no way the average full time student can afford that.

And I’d love to move, but I’m not sure that’s happening and if we don’t, this will be the situation. I know people have kids during grad school. They manage somehow.

 

[pianistclare]

I don’t care for how my interest in pursuing higher education in order to enter a field I’ve considered for years, but previously dismissed, is being interpreted as mere boredom.

I will be able to get merit aid, scholarships, and financial aid, and my parents previously pledged to pay for any grad school I attend. I am just trying to figure out how to manage childcare or work around needing it. The online classes require you to be online at certain times during the day, so I’m not sure how well that would work. Night classes sound like the best option, as long as I can find time for homework.

There’s no such thing as “mere” boredom.
Cabin fever can led lead to a lot of really bad things.
There’s no shame in wanting to be around adults. Why is that a bad thing all of a sudden? People are just giving you alternatives to what you claim is really expensive everything.

People on CAF are not terribly critical to young mothers.
But people often mistake their experiential posts as critical though.

 

[AClaire11]

I’m sorry, I’m just really frustrated and got so excited about this, only to realize all of the obstacles. Some of the responses seemed dismissive/condescending to me, but I guess I misinterpreted. I really did have this idea in the back of my mind for a while, and the past few weeks pushed me to reconsider it, since it would help me do a lot of good for the community. It’s a bit hurtful to have a vision and be told that you should just join a mommy group.

 

[pianistclare]

I’m sorry, I’m just really frustrated and got so excited about this, only to realize all of the obstacles. Some of the responses seemed dismissive/condescending to me, but I guess I misinterpreted. I really did have this idea in the back of my mind for a while, and the past few weeks pushed me to reconsider it, since it would help me do a lot of good for the community. It’s a bit hurtful to have a vision and be told that you should just join a mommy group.

Well now, wouldn’t that be hurtful to those who run a mommy group???
LOL

 

[Xantippe]

My parents won’t pay for anything other than grad school. Aside from being willing to provide for more education, they see me as a fully independent adult and no longer their responsibility.

The only job I’ve been able to find since graduating was working part time at a parochial school. That doesn’t pay enough to cover childcare. So the only other options would be working some awful night job and having to suddenly wean my daughter and never getting to see my husband, who works twelve hours a day until next January, and never be able to sleep, or try to find a nanny job, but I’m not sure anyone would hire a nanny with no car, who lives in a tiny apartment with two unfriendly cats. So we’d have to go into debt to buy a car so I can work in order to try to save up thousands of dollars just to pay for ridiculously high daycare costs. This situation is impossible. And I don’t think it’s worthy of incredulity to assume that a daycare specifically for students would attempt to make it affordable for students. There’s no way the average full time student can afford that.

And I’d love to move, but I’m not sure that’s happening and if we don’t, this will be the situation. I know people have kids during grad school. They manage somehow.

I actually know a fair bit about graduate students with families because my husband is a professor and I’ve lived around colleges for the last 20 years.

I do know a woman in real life who did a math PhD while having the first three of her children in NOVA and living in a one-bedroom condo with her husband and kids–but that’s not everybody’s cup of tea. Her husband had a small college job that provided free graduate school for him. Part of that time, it was the five of them plus a live-in nanny (!) all packed into that one-bedroom condo–I believe the condo board eventually caught on, though. I’d say–do not try this at home! They eventually had several more children, but mostly while living in lower-cost areas, and with better income. That friend is a rather unusual person, needless to say. I have no idea how their finances worked–but I nannied for them when they only had one kid and their checks cleared (they paid $13 an hour, but that was years ago).

A blogger I know did a doctorate in political science in NYC on $40k a year–both she and her husband were graduate students. (This was a while ago, so $40k went further.) They were on WIC, family helped, the kids went to terrible home daycare, and she wound up with substantial student loans. Neither she nor her husband were able to get decent jobs in academia, but he did snag a good Wall Street job and they’ve done OK. She’s kind of bitter about it. It took her forever to get her doctorate as a mom of two small children–probably 8+ years.

However, the vast majority of graduate families I have known are in lower-cost parts of the country. We have a large community of grad families in our area and they seem pretty happy ($500 a month rent for two tiny bedrooms in the graduate housing complex!). In fact, I’ve known a number of grad families with SAHMs and/or four children.

The fine print, on that, though, is that a) this is easier to pull off with small children (where the out of pocket expenses are small) and b) grad school with children is a lot easier for a guy to pull off. There is a lot of data suggesting that it’s WAY harder for a grad mom to get through school.

 

[Xantippe]

Well now, wouldn’t that be hurtful to those who run a mommy group???
LOL

Yeah.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Well now, wouldn’t that be hurtful to those who run a mommy group???
LOL

Actually it kind of is.

I remember my first couple years home. Extended family and friends asking me when I was going back to work, many assuming I was looking and couldn’t find any.
It got to me. And my own ego did as well. I felt, especially as a man, incredibly unproductive. Especially during infant years. And I started thinking about anything I could do to work and stay home. It honestly took a couple of years for that to settle.

My sister on the other hand jumped into a grad program, it cost 60,000 in loans. For just a teaching degree. She taught for 2 years. Now she stays at home.
That is an expensive experiment!!

Op: Going back to school and moving forward may well be your path. Make sure it’s your calling!
I think much discernment and prayer is in order.

 

[Xantippe]

AClaire11,

I know your parents say that they’ll help with graduate school, but would you have the guts to drop out of your program if it turns out that they will not continue to help?

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I’m sorry, I’m just really frustrated and got so excited about this, only to realize all of the obstacles. Some of the responses seemed dismissive/condescending to me, but I guess I misinterpreted. I really did have this idea in the back of my mind for a while, and the past few weeks pushed me to reconsider it, since it would help me do a lot of good for the community. It’s a bit hurtful to have a vision and be told that you should just join a mommy group.

A lot of this is emotion. And that needs to be weeded out. My wife was a scientist, she changed fields, did a two year MBA program in one year while working full time, and pregnant with our fifth, while we lived 1800 miles from any friends or family. That was obstacle city! Honestly though, as amazing as she is, and as much as I brag about this accomplishment there are two things to consider.

1. she was doing it for our future. For the opportunity to provide for us and to help us move “home”. It wasn’t ego driven. It was out of the field she loved.
   2). She couldn’t have done it without me. Having one parent completely in charge of four kids, never having to worry about when daycare closed, how late a study session would have to go, what to eat for dinner while writing a paper. One kid being sick and not being able to go to work etc.
   These are important years. Many cannot afford to have a parent at home much less spend money on a grad program.

 

[Xantippe]

A lot of this is emotion. And that needs to be weeded out. My wife was a scientist, she changed fields, did a two year MBA program in one year while working full time, and pregnant with our fifth, while we lived 1800 miles from any friends or family. That was obstacle city! Honestly though, as amazing as she is, and as much as I brag about this accomplishment there are two things to consider.

1. she was doing it for our future. For the opportunity to provide for us and to help us move “home”. It wasn’t ego driven. It was out of the field she loved.
   **2). She couldn’t have done it without me. Having one parent completely in charge of four kids, never having to worry about when daycare closed, how late a study session would have to go, what to eat for dinner while writing a paper. One kid being sick and not being able to go to work etc. **
   These are important years. Many cannot afford to have a parent at home much less spend money on a grad program.

Right. That explains the pattern that we’ve seen of graduate student dads getting through their programs while graduate student moms usually flatline for 2-3 years (if they don’t drop out entirely). The grad dads often have a wife taking care of life and kid stuff, while the grad wife does not.

Regardless of gender, being the primary parent and a graduate student is a huge obstacle to completing a program.

 

[AClaire11]

:bighanky:

It’s so unfair. I know, I know, life is not fair. But I’d be able to help a lot of people while also providing a second income. I guess I’ll wait a few years and see if we end up moving somewhere semi reasonable. I’m just worried that any major city we will be able to move to will still be really expensive, just not as expensive, if that makes sense.

I guess I understand what my grandmother meant when she said it would be better to be born a man. I don’t agree, but I understand.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

:bighanky:

It’s so unfair. I know, I know, life is not fair. But I’d be able to help a lot of people while also providing a second income. I guess I’ll wait a few years and see if we end up moving somewhere semi reasonable. I’m just worried that any major city we will be able to move to will still be really expensive, just not as expensive, if that makes sense.

I guess I understand what my grandmother meant when she said it would be better to be born a man. I don’t agree, but I understand.

It’s not a gender thing.

I think focusing on raising a wonderful holy catholic family does more to help a community than anything.

Perhaps sitting back and contemplating that would help.
Honestly, I’m not saying this to try to make you feel worse, but if you sat in front of the Blessed Sacrament, talked to Jesus, none if this would seem " not fair" your path would be clear and you would not worry about obstacles.

 

[pianistclare]

:bighanky:

It’s so unfair. I know, I know, life is not fair. But I’d be able to help a lot of people while also providing a second income. I guess I’ll wait a few years and see if we end up moving somewhere semi reasonable. I’m just worried that any major city we will be able to move to will still be really expensive, just not as expensive, if that makes sense.

I guess I understand what my grandmother meant when she said it would be better to be born a man. I don’t agree, but I understand.

Oh sheesh! All is not lost. As Hoosier days…these things need research, time, and LOADS of discussion.
And FYI: men have just as much trouble securing gainful employment in this day and age.
It’s not easy for ANYONE.
My house is a bunch of termites holding hands!
American Express has a hit man looking for me!
We eat lots of Kraft Mac n Cheese!
but we’re happy, and my daughters turned out WELL. Still Catholic too!
Focus dear one!
FOCUS!

 

[pianistclare]

It’s not a gender thing.

I think focusing on raising a wonderful holy catholic family does more to help a community than anything.

Perhaps sitting back and contemplating that would help.
Honestly, I’m not saying this to try to make you feel worse, but if you sat in front of the Blessed Sacrament, talked to Jesus, none if this would seem " not fair" your path would be clear and you would not worry about obstacles.

Preach it bro!

 

[Xantippe]

:bighanky:

It’s so unfair. I know, I know, life is not fair. But I’d be able to help a lot of people while also providing a second income. I guess I’ll wait a few years and see if we end up moving somewhere semi reasonable. I’m just worried that any major city we will be able to move to will still be really expensive, just not as expensive, if that makes sense.

I guess I understand what my grandmother meant when she said it would be better to be born a man. I don’t agree, but I understand.

It really is a lot less expensive outside the coasts (Chicago probably counts as honorary coastal). Our medium-sized city fancy schmancy college daycare is $800ish a month for infants and 1-year-olds, $750ish for 2s and under $700 for 3s and 4s. (I imagine that program is equivalent to the one you checked into that was $1200 a month.)

I looked at a not-so-fancy center daycare and their rates are $650ish for infants, $600ish for toddlers, $550 for 2/3 and $500ish for 3-5.

I looked at a different center daycare and their rates are around $600 a month for infant to 2, $500 for 2-3, and $450 for 3 and up.

It genuinely is the case that childcare costs are roughly half as much in lower-cost areas.

Also, note that daycare gets cheaper the bigger the kid–so there are some savings to be reaped by waiting.

I do sympathize with your situation. I have two older children in school and Baby Girl is 4 and 7.67 months away from starting pre-k (if all goes well). I’m a little burnt out and would like to move forward.

But that doesn’t change the underlying financial realities.

 

[AClaire11]

It’s not a gender thing.

I think focusing on raising a wonderful holy catholic family does more to help a community than anything.

Perhaps sitting back and contemplating that would help.
Honestly, I’m not saying this to try to make you feel worse, but if you sat in front of the Blessed Sacrament, talked to Jesus, none if this would seem " not fair" your path would be clear and you would not worry about obstacles.

Well, it’s a primary earner thing, then, once you have kids. And that tends to be the husband, though obviously not in all cases.

 

[AClaire11]

It really is a lot less expensive outside the coasts (Chicago probably counts as honorary coastal). Our medium-sized city fancy schmancy college daycare is $800ish a month for infants and 1-year-olds, $750ish for 2s and under $700 for 3s and 4s. (I imagine that program is equivalent to the one you checked into that was $1200 a month.)

I looked at a not-so-fancy center daycare and their rates are $650ish for infants, $600ish for toddlers, $550 for 2/3 and $500ish for 3-5.

I looked at a different center daycare and their rates are around $600 a month for infant to 2, $500 for 2-3, and $450 for 3 and up.

It genuinely is the case that childcare costs are roughly half as much in lower-cost areas.

Also, note that daycare gets cheaper the bigger the kid–so there are some savings to be reaped by waiting.

I do sympathize with your situation. I have two older children in school and Baby Girl is 4 and 7.67 months away from starting pre-k (if all goes well). I’m a little burnt out and would like to move forward.

But that doesn’t change the underlying financial realities.

Yeah, the main cities he thinks he can get a job in are either Chicago or coastal. Maybe Denver. And that’s assuming he can find something outside of DC. He’s waiting to get his degree before trying again, but previously, he’s only gotten interviews inside the beltway.