Grandma Enthusiasm

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BlueEyedLady

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I’m going to have a baby in about 6 weeks! So far, the pregnancy has been awesome - no medical problems, no real discomfort, no maternity clothes, no stereotypical bouts of crying or rage, just excitement and overwhelming support from friends and family.

The plan is this: when I come home from the hospital, hubby is going to take a week off from work to help me recover and bond with the baby. Because we’re moving across the country in a few months, we just upgraded to a tiny one bedroom from an even tinier shoebox studio. We live a plane ride (or a stupid-long drive) away from both of our families. Hubby’s parents are very well off, and mine are on the brink of losing their home thanks to my stepdad’s long-term, degenerative illness and my mom’s disability.

From the beginning, my husband and I planned on the hospital and first week home being just us and the baby. I’m not going to feel great, our apartment is extremely small, and I’m a naturally anxious person who really needs her space during hard times or big adjustments. Besides, hubby really doesn’t want to share this week off with other people, and who can blame him?

My mom, however, planned on coming down when the baby is born and staying with us for a week. With us as in, staying in our one bedroom apartment to “help” with the baby. My mom is a wonderful mom and will be an amazing grandma, but there are not CAF-approved words strong enough to describe how I feel about this idea. A hotel is out of the question for her financially, and she wouldn’t let me pay for it even if I offered. Because we don’t want her to stay with us, we’ve asked all of our parents and siblings to stay away for the first week (in gentler terms). I would feel terrible passing the new baby around to people who could afford to visit without crashing in my living room while my mom sits at home dying to meet her grandbaby. But, when DH goes back to work and I’m feeling a bit better and feel like I have something of a handle on at least holding and feeding my baby, I’d love to have her stay for a week, bond with my little one, and help me get a little sleep! That really sounds much less crowded and a whole lot less stressful - not to mention, waaaaay more “helpful”.

My mom does not understand. First it was fear-mongering about how much help I’ll need when I get home (what does she think hubby is?), then she moved on to begging and assuring me she wouldn’t be a bother. Then, she tried to enlist in everyone else to gang up on me on her behalf - her cousin/best friend, my brother, and even my MIL:eek:. On that last one, she tried to rile my MIL up about not being “allowed” to visit and I was so fed up at that point I almost snapped in front of both of them “The only reason we’ve asked her to stay away is because you can’t afford to visit without crashing with us!” Fortunately, I kept it in because it would embarrass both of them.

Truly, I just want to come home with my husband and baby and heal and adjust to this new life in relative privacy. I get that my mom is very excited, and that we’ve always been very close, but I’m really starting to feel like my sanity is taking a backseat to her enthusiasm, and it seems everyone in my life except for my husband agrees it should. “Oh, why do you have to be like this?” “Can’t you see she just wants to be a part of this?” “She loves you!” “You’ll need her help!” “She’s very hurt…” I’m so sick of justifying this when it seems like a common sense choice to me!

I’m going to pull my hair out. I don’t know if I have a specific question, but I did need to vent. If anyone has any advice at all, it would be greatly appreciated.
 
Stick to your guns and don’t cave, otherwise you’ll keep caving, no matter how well-intentioned your mom is (and I believe she is!)

You’ll get through it. I always find that it’s when DH goes back to work that I really need the help. That first week we eat fine, sleep fine, I get to shower everyday. When work goes back on the schedule…uh oh.
 
Stay strong!

And now is the time to nip those conversations in the bud. Be a broken record, “We’ve already been over this, we aren’t changing our mind. We can move on to a new topic or we can end our call.”
 
This is a hard situation. Would you object to her visiting if she was able to stay in a hotel room? If so, I would go with that. “We don’t want anyone visiting the first week, because we need our space to bond with our baby. If you would like to come and visit and stay in a motel, you’d be welcome to come over for a few hours.” Maybe even go so far as to help research the cheapest options. You say she doesn’t have the money, but you never know what could happen. A sister or friend might be willing to bring her down and treat her. She may be willing to live off of Cheerios for a month to pay for the gas and the hotel. All she needs is your permission to visit for a couple hours. How she makes it happen is up to her. THat’s probably how I’d go about it. YOu can tell some of these judgmental relations of yours that if that’s how they feel about it, they are welcome to offer your mom a ride.
 
Also, (and assuming you don’t mind.) you could point out that you won’t need help while your husband is off from work, but you might need some help when he goes back. Maybe that will encourage her to wait a week.
 
Allegra said:
Also, (and assuming you don’t mind.) you could point out that you won’t need help while your husband is off from work, but you might need some help when he goes back. Maybe that will encourage her to wait a week.
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I already pointed that out. She told me that he didn’t count as help because “he’s a man”. I flipped (my husband has been incredible throughout this whole thing) we had a fight, and she apologized and explained that she just really wanted to be there because her mom was so involved when I was born. But my father was a raging lunatic drunk, so there’s that.

When I say they’re poor, I mean they are poor. Living off of on-brand Cheerios for a month would probably increase her grocery bill, and I’m already paying for her gas to get here - she wouldn’t let me cover a flight and flying into a major airport by herself “scares” her. I give my parents about $100/month as it is, and that’s probably all I could get them to take (and I can’t give them cash, it’s usually in the form of buying their meds, a pair of glasses, paying a bill or two when I visit, having necessities shipped to them via Amazon, etc). My brother does the same. Even if there was someone other than me to foot the bill, I wouldn’t feel right about them paying for her to visit a few hours every day when she’s welcome to stay for free in 7 or so short days.
 
In the final analysis, you are the parents and you have set a reasonable boundary.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
I already pointed that out. She told me that he didn’t count as help because “he’s a man”. I flipped (my husband has been incredible throughout this whole thing) we had a fight, and she apologized and explained that she just really wanted to be there because her mom was so involved when I was born. But my father was a raging lunatic drunk, so there’s that.

When I say they’re poor, I mean they are poor. Living off of on-brand Cheerios for a month would probably increase her grocery bill, and I’m already paying for her gas to get here - she wouldn’t let me cover a flight and flying into a major airport by herself “scares” her. I give my parents about $100/month as it is, and that’s probably all I could get them to take (and I can’t give them cash, it’s usually in the form of buying their meds, a pair of glasses, paying a bill or two when I visit, having necessities shipped to them via Amazon, etc). My brother does the same. Even if there was someone other than me to foot the bill, I wouldn’t feel right about them paying for her to visit a few hours every day when she’s welcome to stay for free in 7 or so short days.
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Well, she has six weeks to consider her options, then. Staying with you for the week after the baby is born isn’t one of them. Your boundary is absolutely reasonable. Your home isn’t set up for overnight guests and baby deliveries don’t generally come on anyone’s schedule.
 
I can agree with the advice that has already been given, that being, stick to the boundaries you’ve set - If she doesn’t want to stay at a hotel then she can’t come.

I remember having an issue like yours several years ago. Once the family member realized that we were sticking to our boundaries, they were more likely to go along with what we wanted regarding our family.
 
I can’t imagine you having a hard time speaking your mind. 😉

“NO. Didn’t hear me? NO.”

Later, YES. Immediately after the birth? “NO”

For a zillion reasons but 2 jump to mind:
My MIL came out form Texas when my eldest was born. Her darling son thought “this is fabulous! Mom will help with laundry, she’ll cook all my favorites meals…”

You guessed it.
She did nothing. NOTHING. She cooked not one pot of soup, she did no laundry “I don’t know how to work your machine” :rolleyes: and the hubs spent a fortune on carry out food and watching both me and the baby recover from a C section.

The second reason is that women of that era will insist on many things that we now know are not such great practices…like having a baby sleep in a certain unsafe position, falling asleep themselves with baby in arms, giving the baby a pacifier (GAH!) and lecturing you on breast-feeding or not breast-feeding.

NO!!!
Develop you own routine before anyone comes in to “tell you how to do it”.

And, get yourself a copy of Penelope’s Leach’s excellent book: **“Your Baby and Child”. **
A standard in the arena of common sense and best practices, if you don’t already own it.

Good luck!
 
Good luck! Is this your mothers first grandchild? I will offer a couple of suggestions: first usually you don’t when the baby is going to be born so you could just say “we will call you when the baby is born and you can come down the next week.” Also could maybe ask a friend to put your mom up for free? That way you would only have the bus fare to pay.

It sounds like your mother is already determined that she will stay with you right after the baby is born so you may have to say firmly we want you to come two weeks after. For some reason my sister wasn’t allowed to be with her grandchildren right after they born but was told to come several weeks later. She never stays with her son and his wife. Sounds like someone said “no” to her.
 
I found that I needed more help the 2nd & 3rd weeks after the babies were born. The first week was a piece of cake - I was loaded with energy. Then I crashed.

You are lucky in one respect - your mother wants to help. See if she can understand that you’ll need her more the 2nd or 3rd week.

Another issue is the baby’s health. Recently a baby died from HIV after apparently being kissed by a relative with a cold sore. I keep my distance from all newborns because of possible health problems. Also don’t want to make any new moms nervous.
 
I second pianistclare. It is quite likely that you will end up doing more entertaining than reaping in the “help”.

I work in postpartum and I previously worked in pediatrics. You can use the old excuse of limiting germs the baby is exposed to until baby is a little older and is feeding well. If you are breastfeeding, it can take days if not weeks for feeding baby to become second nature to you. I have also seen MANY babies get sick from being passed around too much and being exposed to lots of visitors. It is not fun to have your newborn on antibiotics or a high flow nasal cannula.

Besides, many moms forget that the birthing process requires healing, especially if you end up having a C-section or even simply tear during birth. It is important not to have to be worrying about anyone but yourself and the baby.
 
Many blessings to you and your husband and the new baby to come!

You have received a lot of good advice here.

Peace and all good to you!

Dorothy
 
Bonnie said:
I found that I needed more help the 2nd & 3rd weeks after the babies were born. The first week was a piece of cake - I was loaded with energy. Then I crashed.

You are lucky in one respect - your mother wants to help. See if she can understand that you’ll need her more the 2nd or 3rd week.

Another issue is the baby’s health. Recently a baby died from HIV after apparently being kissed by a relative with a cold sore. I keep my distance from all newborns because of possible health problems. Also don’t want to make any new moms nervous.
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Play this up- the part of needing her more during the 2nd and 3rd week, maybe say you don’t know what you will do without her help as you’ve heard that time is the roughest and you’ll be alone.

The baby didn’t die from HIV, it was meningitis from herpes, called meningitis HSV-1. HIV is spread through blood, breastmilk and sexual activity, not kissing. The baby did not have HIV.
 
I don’t have advice to add, except you may need to be extremely firm, but wanted to say congratulations 🙂
 
Allegra said:
Also, (and assuming you don’t mind.) you could point out that you won’t need help while your husband is off from work, but you might need some help when he goes back. Maybe that will encourage her to wait a week.
Click to expand...
/. This. I will write later, but my dh and I were in a similar apartment as you are with our first baby…

Also loving Boundries. Your mom sounds like a lovely woman, but be firm AND loving.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
I’m going to have a baby in about 6 weeks! So far, the pregnancy has been awesome - no medical problems, no real discomfort, no maternity clothes, no stereotypical bouts of crying or rage, just excitement and overwhelming support from friends and family.

The plan is this: when I come home from the hospital, hubby is going to take a week off from work to help me recover and bond with the baby. Because we’re moving across the country in a few months, we just upgraded to a tiny one bedroom from an even tinier shoebox studio. We live a plane ride (or a stupid-long drive) away from both of our families. Hubby’s parents are very well off, and mine are on the brink of losing their home thanks to my stepdad’s long-term, degenerative illness and my mom’s disability.

From the beginning, my husband and I planned on the hospital and first week home being just us and the baby. I’m not going to feel great, our apartment is extremely small, and I’m a naturally anxious person who really needs her space during hard times or big adjustments. Besides, hubby really doesn’t want to share this week off with other people, and who can blame him?

My mom, however, planned on coming down when the baby is born and staying with us for a week. With us as in, staying in our one bedroom apartment to “help” with the baby. My mom is a wonderful mom and will be an amazing grandma, but there are not CAF-approved words strong enough to describe how I feel about this idea. A hotel is out of the question for her financially, and she wouldn’t let me pay for it even if I offered. Because we don’t want her to stay with us, we’ve asked all of our parents and siblings to stay away for the first week (in gentler terms). I would feel terrible passing the new baby around to people who could afford to visit without crashing in my living room while my mom sits at home dying to meet her grandbaby. But, when DH goes back to work and I’m feeling a bit better and feel like I have something of a handle on at least holding and feeding my baby, I’d love to have her stay for a week, bond with my little one, and help me get a little sleep! That really sounds much less crowded and a whole lot less stressful - not to mention, waaaaay more “helpful”.

My mom does not understand. First it was fear-mongering about how much help I’ll need when I get home (what does she think hubby is?), then she moved on to begging and assuring me she wouldn’t be a bother. Then, she tried to enlist in everyone else to gang up on me on her behalf - her cousin/best friend, my brother, and even my MIL:eek:. On that last one, she tried to rile my MIL up about not being “allowed” to visit and I was so fed up at that point I almost snapped in front of both of them “The only reason we’ve asked her to stay away is because you can’t afford to visit without crashing with us!” Fortunately, I kept it in because it would embarrass both of them.

Truly, I just want to come home with my husband and baby and heal and adjust to this new life in relative privacy. I get that my mom is very excited, and that we’ve always been very close, but I’m really starting to feel like my sanity is taking a backseat to her enthusiasm, and it seems everyone in my life except for my husband agrees it should. “Oh, why do you have to be like this?” “Can’t you see she just wants to be a part of this?” “She loves you!” “You’ll need her help!” “She’s very hurt…” I’m so sick of justifying this when it seems like a common sense choice to me!

I’m going to pull my hair out. I don’t know if I have a specific question, but I did need to vent. If anyone has any advice at all, it would be greatly appreciated.
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Don’t pull your hair out!

This is your first child. You might not realize that typically, grandmothers make themselves available to help nurture new families the first few days up to a week or more depending on the situation. Your denial of your mother’s help and response is atypical. There are new mothers that would give their right arm for what you are rejecting. I’m sure your mother feels bad and doesn’t understand your mindset.
If a tight apartment is an issue then have her stay at a nearby B & B or hotel. dona.org/what-is-a-doula/ The concept of a doula is a cross culture thing.
 
Don’t engage in arguments with her.

Mom: I want to stay with you after the baby’s born.

You: Mom, DH and I want to be alone with the baby the first week so I can recover and all of us can bond as a new family of three. You are welcome to come visit after DH goes back to work.

Mom: But…(insert rebuttal)

You: Mom, DH and I want to be alone with the baby the first week so I can recover and all of us can bond as a new family of three. You are welcome to come visit after DH goes back to work.

Mom: But (insert different rebuttal)…

You: Mom, DH and I want to be alone with the baby the first week so I can recover and all of us can bond as a new family of three. You are welcome to come visit after DH goes back to work.

Mom: But (insert another new rebuttal)

You: Mom, DH and I want to be alone with the baby the first week so I can recover and all of us can bond as a new family of three. You are welcome to come visit after DH goes back to work.

You get the idea.
 
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