Grandpaents as childcare providers

[KendraDZ1902]

I see this all the time. I get that day care costs are high…but no one seems to want to sacrifice anything anymore.
I know several people who employ their parents to watch their kids…bemoaning the high costs of daycare and in the same breath brag about the new vehicle they bought a few months ago…or whip out their smart phone to answer a text.

If the grandparents aren’t complaining, then I see no problem with this. That is like saying, “I can’t believe they decided to take that baby to daycare, so the mom can continue to work. She can just stay home and do without things they are used to having.” Each family is different and if you are fine with cutting down your expenses and doing without “fun” stuff, then fine. Don’t expect or look down on those who choose not live like you do.

 

[sdeco]

Also, I understand that having a stay-at-home mom might be ideal, but a lot of people can’t afford to do that. I would stay home if I could, but we can’t afford it, because we want to stay in our hometown, which happens to be expensive. If our parents couldn’t help with childcare the two days I’m at work, we would have no choice but to move to another city where the cost of living is lower, which would mean being far away from both sides of our family. My family and my husband’s family have become good friends, and we see them all the time. We are all one big happy family. I can’t imagine having to move somewhere else. But I realize we have a rather unusual situation.

 

[Xantippe]

“If I was retired and still in good shape physically, I wouldn’t mind watching my grandkids some day, probably for a maximum of two days a week. I wouldn’t want to do it full-time, but I certainly don’t think two days a week is a big deal, especially after you’ve experienced four kids 24-7!”

I feel more or less the same. I don’t really believe in daycare for infants and I love the idea of being able to take care of my future grandchildren when the time comes. But 1) I wouldn’t sign up for it as a full-time gig (except for very exceptional circumstances) and 2) my husband doesn’t get to volunteer 40-60 hours a week of my labor indefinitely. That’s not OK.

 

[sdeco]

Kelfa28, you said “no one wants to sacrifice anything anymore.” I agree that it’s selfish of parents to not want to sacrifice their brand-new cars or smartphones so that they can either pay for daycare or have one parent stay home. But I can assure you that my husband and I do NOT have brand new cars, or smart phones (my brother makes fun of our flip-phones), or expensive clothes (we buy clothes at Target), and so on. In order for me to be able to stay home, we would have to sacrifice something that is not material - living near both of our families. We are from the same hometown, which happens to be very expensive. So we would have to move somewhere else where the cost of living is lower, away from both sets of grandparents, all our siblings, and several old friends. The thought of it makes me want to cry. I am curious what you would do in our situation.

 

[Kelfa28]

If the grandparents aren’t complaining, then I see no problem with this. That is like saying, “I can’t believe they decided to take that baby to daycare, so the mom can continue to work. She can just stay home and do without things they are used to having.” Each family is different and if you are fine with cutting down your expenses and doing without “fun” stuff, then fine. Don’t expect or look down on those who choose not live like you do.

It’s not in the least judging a mom who takes kiddos to daycare so she can work.

It’s circumventing the problem entirely by forgoing daycare costs and relying on grandparents to give up their time to watch grandkids for free.

I really don’t care what people think of my lifestyle…and I wouldn’t care about others lifestyle either.

But…people do have sisters and brothers who have kids too. Not everyone can pull grandma and grandpa in several different directions expecting full time care for their kids.

Having to give up a huge majority of babysitting opportunities because my sister “needs” my parents to watch her baby is a bit of a slap in the face.

A month ago my MIL had to give up a whole weeks worth of vacation time so I could go in for my one mandatory drill week in the military for the year. We paid her generously, of course. But my sister refused to give up one day so my parents could help out.

I made the sacrifice to have kids. I gave up a lot.
My sister gave up virtually nothing since she could employ my parents to babysit full time for free.

Too bad I wasn’t smart enough to do what she did.

 

[Kelfa28]

Kelfa28, you said “no one wants to sacrifice anything anymore.”

I’ll rephrase…since it’s late and my emotions are getting the better of me right now.

No one I know, who have children and employ the use of the grandparents to babysit, want to sacrifice.

The people I know, who don’t use their parents…either have a parent stay at home or they employ the use of daycare.

The ones I know that use grandparents…and forgo daycare options…don’t give up much of anything.

You stated, in your situation, that you work part time and mom and dad pick up one or two kids a few hours/days a week.

I was doing that, on rotation, with my MIL, parents and my husband’s rotating work schedule…so I could go to class twice a week for a couple of hours.
I can’t do that now because my MIL cannot give up that much time without the help of my parents.

I have no idea when I will be able to go back to school…since my parents have decided to watch my sister’s son for the foreseeable future…full time.

 

[Jeanne_S]

There are more reasons than just financial to not put a newborn baby into a daycare center. Lots of grandparents agree to watch an infant in order to keep them in a less germy and more attentive environment than a daycare center can provide.

This!

 

[maryjk]

I have already told my son, age 17, that I would love to watch any grandchildren.

Of course that depends on my health being okay. And that he is living close enough.

I love babies and children, and my husband and I were only able to have one child.

But that is me. Everyone else has to make their own decision. (And if I had my own children at home, I am sure I would feel differently.)

 

[St_Francis]

I’ll rephrase…since it’s late and my emotions are getting the better of me right now.

No one I know, who have children and employ the use of the grandparents to babysit, want to sacrifice.

The people I know, who don’t use their parents…either have a parent stay at home or they employ the use of daycare.

The ones I know that use grandparents…and forgo daycare options…don’t give up much of anything.

You stated, in your situation, that you work part time and mom and dad pick up one or two kids a few hours/days a week.

I was doing that, on rotation, with my MIL, parents and my husband’s rotating work schedule…so I could go to class twice a week for a couple of hours.
I can’t do that now because my MIL cannot give up that much time without the help of my parents.

I have no idea when I will be able to go back to school…since my parents have decided to watch my sister’s son for the foreseeable future…full time.

Have you talked with your parents about this? Looking at this, it does seem unfair and worth discussing with them. If your sister put her children in daycare 2 or 3 days a week, then they could care for your children and help you out.

Right now, this seems to be driving you a little batty, and if there is no way to make a change, you might want to discuss this with a priest who could help you with a bit of sprithal direction in dealing with it all.

 

[Kelfa28]

Have you talked with your parents about this? Looking at this, it does seem unfair and worth discussing with them. If your sister put her children in daycare 2 or 3 days a week, then they could care for your children and help you out.

Right now, this seems to be driving you a little batty, and if there is no way to make a change, you might want to discuss this with a priest who could help you with a bit of sprithal direction in dealing with it all.

Been there and done all of that.

My parents have chosen a hands off approach to the topic…saying this is something I need to handle with my sister.
She has decided not to speak to me…at all…no returning phone calls…despite trying to be as charitable about it as I can.
I wouldn’t feel so batty about this if it wasn’t being handled so poorly within my family.

And…this isn’t the first time I’ve been in such a confusing situation that has resulted in my family members shutting down and tuning out.
Yes, it’s something my husband and I have both discussed with our spiritual directors at different times…regarding different issues.

The fact is…my sister and her husband take advantage of situations for themselves and do not have much of a concept of restraint.
Resulting in my husband choosing to never speak to them again and me…trying to find a balance.

This will be my last post on this thread…it’s clearly way too personal of an issue for me to discusses without my emotions flaring up.

 

[Xantippe]

Kelfa said:

“My parents have chosen a hands off approach to the topic…saying this is something I need to handle with my sister.
She has decided not to speak to me…at all…no returning phone calls…despite trying to be as charitable about it as I can.
I wouldn’t feel so batty about this if it wasn’t being handled so poorly within my family.”

This is all so very wrong and I’m not surprised it’s driving you nuts. It’s not for you or your sister to dictate hours to your parents (what if you were together come up with something entirely unreasonable?). It’s your parents’ responsibility to explain what they can and can’t do for each of you.

I really hope your parents have a will, is all I can say.

Oh, and if it makes you feel any better, it’s quite possible that the reason you are getting the short end of the stick with childcare is that you parents 1) think you are more together than your sister is, so your sister “needs” more help 2) are more scared of your sister than they are of you.

 

[IBombAtomically]

No, OP, you should not feel guilty. In your situation, you have more than enough on your plate in caring for your own young child. The demands to watch your grandchild on a full-time basis are unreasonable. Please speak up! You can be nice about it – say “It is such a pleasure to watch so-and-so, but I am struggling right now trying to keep up with both children, and I’m afraid I am past my breaking point. I love watching so-and-so once in a while, but right now neither child is getting the best care I can provide, and I think it would be in everyone’s best interest if we found an alternative full-time care taker.”

 

[EasterJoy]

No, OP, you should not feel guilty. In your situation, you have more than enough on your plate in caring for your own young child. The demands to watch your grandchild on a full-time basis are unreasonable. Please speak up! You can be nice about it – say “It is such a pleasure to watch so-and-so, but I am struggling right now trying to keep up with both children, and I’m afraid I am past my breaking point. I love watching so-and-so once in a while, but right now neither child is getting the best care I can provide, and I think it would be in everyone’s best interest if we found an alternative full-time care taker.”

The problem with this answer is that it implies that the OP would feel obliged to provide this care if she weren’t at the breaking point. A better wording just says, “This much: Yes. This much: No, I’m not willing to do that much. You’ll need to find an alternative.” That’s all she needs to say, because she’s not obliged to provide childcare for her grandchildren. That is the responsibility of the child’s parents. If her husband feels differently, well, he’s welcome to do it himself, but just as she would never volunteer his services to anyone else in the family who asked, let alone volunteer him for an obligation of that magnitude, so he cannot feel free to pressure her to do it.

 

[EasterJoy]

Let’s say, after all, that the grandchild was 15 yo, instead. The mother calls Grandma and tells her that her son needs a year-long internship, and he can’t find anything. Grandma says, “Oh, Grandpa has a job, so Grandson can intern with him for a year or two! I’m sure Grandpa would be happy to add supervising Grandson to his other work! It will be such a wonderful bonding experience for both of them!” Well, maybe Grandpa would like to volunteer, but if Grandma makes that promise for him, she’s *way *out of bounds!

 

[Musician]

We babysit at least six days a week but try to take Sundays for rest. Not everyone sees grandchildren as a burden. I was there when they were brought into the world and fell passionately in love with each new grandbaby. No one except their parents could love these children more. I view this precious time with my grandchildren around my feet as very fleeting. We are doing more than babysitting, we are helping to form their standards and futures. It’s a great responsibility and one I take seriously.
The other grandparents of some of our grandchildren barely take an interest, and then are surprised when the children don’t want to be with them. They are missing one of life’s sweetest rewards.
I cut back on working to accommodate my babysitting schedule but that’s fine. My children pay me a little, as much as they can afford. I have a 17-year-old student who comes on especially busy days to help out and she also cleans house.
People wonder how I do it but we are very organized and have a strict routine.
Bottom line: I love my grandchildren so much I am willing to sacrifice the time and money to see that they’re well-cared for.

 

[EasterJoy]

We babysit at least six days a week but try to take Sundays for rest. Not everyone sees grandchildren as a burden. I was there when they were brought into the world and fell passionately in love with each new grandbaby. No one except their parents could love these children more. I view this precious time with my grandchildren around my feet as very fleeting. We are doing more than babysitting, we are helping to form their standards and futures. It’s a great responsibility and one I take seriously.
The other grandparents of some of our grandchildren barely take an interest, and then are surprised when the children don’t want to be with them. They are missing one of life’s sweetest rewards.
I cut back on working to accommodate my babysitting schedule but that’s fine. My children pay me a little, as much as they can afford. I have a 17-year-old student who comes on especially busy days to help out and she also cleans house.
People wonder how I do it but we are very organized and have a strict routine.
Bottom line: I love my grandchildren so much I am willing to sacrifice the time and money to see that they’re well-cared for.

Still, it is like being a SAHM. It is not evidence of a lack of love or willingness to sacrifice if you’re not doing it. And your children do pay you, which shows that they realize this is not something they have a right to insist you do for them, just because you’re capable and love doing it.

My MIL lived with us and spent lots of time with our children. It was always up to her whether or not she wanted to take care of them at any given time. The sweetness can wash away when it is a command performance.

Keep in mind, too, that these are not the OPs blood relatives. She is willing to treat them as if they were, but she may not be getting the same treatment herself as if she were their “real” grandmother. That can also make a big difference in how sweet the experience is. She may be being treated more like the neighbor who is the SAHM that all the “working moms” presume will happily do all their pick-up and drop-off work for them…you know, “since we know you’re going that way, anyway, would it be much trouble…” Getting tapped in that way isn’t any great honor. Getting taken advantage of or being taken for granted usually isn’t.

 

[Xantippe]

“It was always up to her whether or not she wanted to take care of them at any given time. The sweetness can wash away when it is a command performance.”

Yeah. I wouldn’t want anybody to be caring for my kids or grandkids who didn’t really want to do it, but didn’t think she could get out of it.

I love my grandma and my grandma loved all us grandkids, but she was definitely less sweet when she’d had us for days and days at a time.

“Keep in mind, too, that these are not the OPs blood relatives. She is willing to treat them as if they were, but she may not be getting the same treatment herself as if she were their “real” grandmother. That can also make a big difference in how sweet the experience is. She may be being treated more like the neighbor who is the SAHM that all the “working moms” presume will happily do all their pick-up and drop-off work for them…you know, “since we know you’re going that way, anyway, would it be much trouble…” Getting tapped in that way isn’t any great honor. Getting taken advantage of or being taken for granted usually isn’t.”

Yeah.

I hope the OP can persuade her husband to let her set her own hours.

 

[EasterJoy]

“It was always up to her whether or not she wanted to take care of them at any given time. The sweetness can wash away when it is a command performance.”

Yeah. I wouldn’t want anybody to be caring for my kids or grandkids who didn’t really want to do it, but didn’t think she could get out of it.

I love my grandma and my grandma loved all us grandkids, but she was definitely less sweet when she’d had us for days and days at a time.

“Keep in mind, too, that these are not the OPs blood relatives. She is willing to treat them as if they were, but she may not be getting the same treatment herself as if she were their “real” grandmother. That can also make a big difference in how sweet the experience is. She may be being treated more like the neighbor who is the SAHM that all the “working moms” presume will happily do all their pick-up and drop-off work for them…you know, “since we know you’re going that way, anyway, would it be much trouble…” Getting tapped in that way isn’t any great honor. Getting taken advantage of or being taken for granted usually isn’t.”

Yeah.

I hope the OP can persuade her husband to let her set her own hours.

It just occurred to me that this particular grandmother has one unusual need: She might also be able to use some childcare reprieves herself. If the situation were reciprocal–because after all, don’t her own children’s *sister *want to have a relationship with them and doesn’t her *husband *want the sweetness of having all those lovely children and grandchild to himself, too?–she might feel much better about it and the stress of what she’s being asked to do might be much more evident to those asking her to do it. She could probably use some time to run errands or just take care of herself without her own children in tow, too, after all. A little battery-recharging can make all the difference to a 24/7/365 SAHM!

 

[samaritana]

Is there a chance your husband feels guilty or sad that he was not there for his daughter when she was growing up? Perhaps he feels he really wants to help her out and this is one way of doing it? He can see that she is really struggling now to find child care and it is eating him up inside?

I think it is meant to be for the long haul, even past six years. But I think you are right about my husband feeling guilty for not being able to raise his daughter. She rarely visited him once we got married -even though her brothers did), and only started visiting a few months ago. He’ll do anything to help her out so she will keep in touch with him.

 

[samaritana]

Keep in mind, too, that these are not the OPs blood relatives. She is willing to treat them as if they were, but she may not be getting the same treatment herself as if she were their “real” grandmother. That can also make a big difference in how sweet the experience is. She may be being treated more like the neighbor who is the SAHM that all the “working moms” presume will happily do all their pick-up and drop-off work for them…you know, “since we know you’re going that way, anyway, would it be much trouble…” Getting tapped in that way isn’t any great honor. Getting taken advantage of or being taken for granted usually isn’t.

This is right. My husband has two adult children who are parents, and neither give me the “honorary title” of grandma. They don’t even introduce me to their children. they are just there to see grandpa. That breaks my heart. The little grandson I care for now, not knowing my name just started calling me “aunt”. He probably figures all women that care for him are aunts .