Greetings. New member in deep despair

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St.Matthew

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I don’t know i this thread belongs in this section of the forums so let me know if it isn’t supposed to be here and i’ll move it.

Greetings and salutations to my Brothers and Sisters in Christ and to the non believers.

Long story short, i have fallen away from my faith, i think God has abandoned me, I cannot keep the ten commandments and i always find myself in the confessional confessing the same, the same stupid sins , the SAME sins over and over and over again. Plus i would be the only person going to confession so the priest obviously knew it was me. I was tired of hurting God, i felt like i was not taking him seriously and i honestly didn’t want to hurt my Lord anymore. I refused to continually crucify my lord with my sins. I don’t have Catholic friends, no one to inspire me, no face to face inspiration you know, i’m tired of going on youtube and watching Fulton Sheen, i want somebody here you know what i mean, i want a mentor.

This may sound disturbing, but with the miracle of the Rosary being true, there is also a despair that can befall you once you have stopped and turned to rebellion against God. I strongly believe that when i die, i will not see the kingdom of God, i honestly believe i will go down…My soul, is finished, and i know God does not take my prayers seriously because i keep hurting him. I prayed the Rosary today, i got nothing, no signal graces, i started drinking and fell into sinful behaviour about an hour later. I’m hell bound, When i die i will go to hell, i know this to be true. Total separation from God, i can feel it, my soul is in such turmoil, I absolutely hate myself. I can’t stand the sight of other people, and have contemplated ways of causing harm to others, inflicting psychological pain to my past enemies so they can come to the kingdom of darkness with me so i can put my hands on their throats and squeeze for all eternity. I actually delight in the fact that the fools that caused my mental illness to flourish throughout my life might very well be in hell with me…even my own mother.

I have lost track of time and thought, but all i know is that i will burn for all eternity if i don’t do something. Why bother following him if i’m going to sin? why? This is a complete disaster, what a mediocre human being i am. I have achieved absolutely nothing, i have buried my coin in the ground, i am absolutely wicked. Thank god there is a place where i was lament on my foolishness for eternity. Why go to heaven when i hold a grudge on my fellow man, i would rather watch him suffer with me for all eternity then shake hands with a human being who will probably end up humiliating me.

That is all i’m going to say. I’m tired.

Say your Rosary, do his will, and carry your cross or suffer the repercussions my friends. The easy way is truly death for all eternity.

Thank you for reading.
 
All very hard stuff but also not as uncommon as you might think. You shouldn’t be the only one at confession and I can imagine this is very discouraging. One of the spiritual benefits of confession is sitting in line with other sinners and realising we are not alone. If you are able to go to confession at another parish where confession is well attended and you don’t know the priest then could that help?
 
Yes that could help. I did relocate not to long ago so i would have to go to another parish. I feel like i don’t trust the Lord enough. I feel like he is so far away from me, my sins have truly separated me from him and i am left with a paralysing despair.

I prayed the rosary today but i got nothing out of it, no signal graces like the times i prayed in the past way back. Just the same feeling of hopelessness and despair. Am I expecting too much? Sometimes i am tempted to ask the Lord if he can reveal himself visually for me, give me a sign or some sort of embrace to let me know that there is hope for me but I believe this is a sin.
 
I am so sorry you are going through that anguish.
St.Matthew said:
i want somebody here you know what i mean, i want a mentor.
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Have you ever told your priest what you just wrote, the way you wrote it, outside confession ? I think spiritual direction could help you. If you’re not comfortable turning to your priest, your diocese probably has a list of spiritual directors with whom you can get in touch.
St.Matthew said:
i always find myself in the confessional confessing the same, the same stupid sins , the SAME sins over and over and over again. Plus i would be the only person going to confession so the priest obviously knew it was me.
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Please, do not let that keep you away from confession. My own confessor would not think less of you for this, in fact, he would probably tell you he is awed by your perseverance in fighting the good fight. I am sure he isn’t the only priest who sees things in this light.

I will be praying for you.
 
Regarding me wanting some sort of mentor, to be honest man, i don’t trust people. I have been alone for a long time, you see i stay away from people so they don’t humiliate me. When i was a kid, ever since my mother struck me and called me stupid when i couldn’t answer a question for homework i stopped trusting people. It will be extremely hard but i will think about it, maybe its the sin of pride stopping me. I’m such a mess.

Please do pray for me, i’m in so much pain.
 
Welcome to CAF, 🙋 🙏 Interesting you have chosen
St. Matthew for your name. If he kept looking at himself and his sinfulness …we would never have had a St. Matthew😊 He heard the call, he had no doubt that he was a sinner, a sick one at that…as Jesus made it quite clear he came for the sick sinner …it is mercy I desire and not sacrifice. “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners? But when he heard it, he said, " those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. Go and learn what this means, I desire mercy, and sacrifice.’ For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.” Matthew 9:9-13
Now the Pharisees thought they where the righteous ones and they were as blind as bats in the day light, --the day light, the new covenant was looking right into their faces. But their own self judgments and pride kept them from the messiah who came to save them.
Your pride is in your self judgment, your attitude of …I can not forgive others who hurt me, can’t stop drinking, can’t stop sinning etc. Instead of seeing your self as a sick sinner in need of grace…you seem to see yourself as a lost soul Judas…Well you are not! If St. Peter thought like you did we would never, ever have had St. Peter.
If you have cancer,(that can be cured in its first stages) cavities in your teeth, an infected boil that needs to be drained weekly, you don’t say…I will not go to the doctors because I just can’t cure this myself, …you keep going to the doctor, to the dentist…etc. Very humbling and awful to have to keep telling the same sin or listening to the evil one who likes to bring you to the maggot filled darkness. Our lady is quite capable of helping you and to live in your feelings, assumptions and self judgments is not the narrow path of following Jesus…it is the easy, wide road that takes you away from Christ. Courage and keep going to confession and if you also need something like A.A. go, You are a man and can seek the humble path no matter how much courage that takes…Go for it. Peace and prayers. @St.Matthew
 
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Thank you for your warm welcome and heartfelt post Divine3. Yes that is the exact reason why i chose St.Matthew as my username, helps me focus on his life and his decision to follow Christ.

Thank you for feeding me some scripture, I have no strength to pick up the bible on my night table and read it. I feel so spiritually disoriented.

I will keep your advice close to my heart and i will try to search for a new parish to go to. Please pray for me, i’m in alot of pain.
 
Hail Mary full of Grace the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women and blessed is the fruit of thine womb Jesus. Holy Mary mother of God pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Us. All of us. Pray for those who suffer. Jesus said you must forgive to be forgiven at the beginning of your prayer. Gods ears are attentive to the just.

You sound like me. Now you’ve already prayed the Hail Mary at least once since you read this, presuming you didn’t skip.
 
I know you are in great pain but the greatest tool of the evil one is discouragement. He will never, ever sell that tool to any of his crew, they have to make their own evil tools. Get to confession as soon as possible, and confession can in time also get rid of addictions…I promise you if you keep allowing self to be humbled, keep going to confession, lots of churches around, and when dark thoughts come cry to our lady, but don’t quit …promise there is hope, mercy, new life and you will find peace…promise…🙏
 
I like St. Matthew too, what a great gospel …he had great friends, they must have had quite a time having Jesus sitting, eating and drinking with them. Who knows they might have all opened their hearts to Jesus too.
 
I read and said the Hail Mary with as much strength and love as i could muster. I wish i could send her more roses, i remember i used to pray eight rosaries a day when i was madly in love with our lady. Ah those where the days, i felt so light back then, my prayer was so powerful and God allowed wisdom to flow into my heart.

Now i’m in chains, i can’t even look at a picture of our blessed mother or our Lord with love anymore. I feel indifferent to Him. That is how i know i’m done for if i was to die this day. The chains are just so heavy and the locks are too complicated to pick.

Thank you for your intentions please pray for me, i’m in alot of pain.
 
Talk to the Lord, Mary and the saints as you would your closest friend.
 
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I’m thinking of going to a church with a good holy priest and doing a face to face confession with spiritual guidance and advice. Hopefully i have the strength to do so. I need to tell him that i’m in big spiritual trouble if i don’t fix my relationship with the Lord. Hopefully hes not a liberal homosexual priest or something.

I can’t believe i will have to pray the divine mercy, i was fine with the rosary, but now i have been reduced to praying the divine mercy. Oh boy, i never thought i would find myself saying that prayer.
 
Sr. Josefa Menendez (1890-1923) -Jesus’ Message to the World of His Mercy for All

“I would like these [those living with sin] to understand that it is not the fact of being in sin that ought to keep them from Me. They must never think that there is no remedy for them, nor that they have forfeited for ever the love that once was theirs… No, poor souls, the God who has shed all His Blood for you has no such feelings for you!”

“It is My intention also, to show souls that I never refuse grace, even to those who are guilty of grave sin; nor do I separate them from the good souls whom I love with predilection. I keep them all in My Heart, that all may receive the help needed for their state of soul.” -Jesus to Sr. Josefa Menendez

Prayer to the Shoulder Wound of Jesus

It is related in the annals of Clairvaux that St. Bernard asked Our Lord which was His greatest unrecorded suffering and Our Lord answered: “I had on My Shoulder, while I bore My Cross on the Way of Sorrows, a grievous Wound, which was more painful than the others and which is not recorded by men. Honor this Wound with thy devotion and I will grant thee whatsoever thou dost ask through Its virtue and merit. And in regard to all those who shall venerate this Wound, I will remit to them all their venial sins and will no longer remember their mortal sins.”

This revelation and promise of Our Dear Savior is another proof of His unlimited mercy. You are urged to say these prayers daily and to promulgate this prayer on a continuous basis, so that others may share in this blessing.

The Prayer

O Loving Jesus, meek Lamb of God, I a miserable sinner, salute and worship the most Sacred Wound of Thy Shoulder on which Thou didst bear Thy heavy Cross, which so tore Thy Flesh and laid bare Thy Bones as to inflict on Thee an anguish greater than any other Wound of Thy Most Blessed Body. I adore Thee, O Jesus most sorrowful; I praise and glorify Thee and give Thee thanks for this most sacred and painful Wound, beseeching Thee by that exceeding pain and by the crushing burden of Thy heavy Cross to be merciful to me, a sinner, to forgive me all my mortal and venial sins, and to lead me on towards Heaven along the Way of Thy Cross. Amen.
Imprimatur: Thomas D. Beven, Bishop of Springfield, Ma.

Pope Eugenius III, at the earnest request of St. Bernard, has granted three thousand years Indulgence to all who with a contrite heart, recite the Lord’s Prayer and Hail Mary 3 times, in honor of the Wound on the Shoulder of Our Blessed Redeemer.

St. Faustina Divine Mercy Diary

I desire trust from My creatures. Encourage souls to place great trust in My fathomless mercy. Let the weak, sinful soul have no fear to approach Me, for even if it had more sins than there are grains of sand in the world, all would be drowned in the unmeasurable depths of My mercy. (1059)
 
A priest once said to us at mass…worry is for pagans 😊 God will find you the right priest…and as u know u r going to Jesus…
Here is a thought given to a seminarian once…Keep your mind in heaven, your heart on the cross and your feet on the ground… 🙏
 
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Oh wow, i never heard of Sr. Josefa Menendez message before! That was a treat, thank you so much. I will try to say these prayers regularly. My eyes are getting watery, i think i’m actually feeling sad for hurting my Lord with my sins.

Yes, it is time to pray the divine mercy for me. Thank you so much for sharing and please pray for me.
 
It is true, worry is for the worldy. I always suffered from social and generalized anxiety, i could never seem to focus on God while i’m out in the business of the world. I remember back in the day when i would escape in a forest with the rosary, those where the days indeed.

I will contemplate on theses sayings. Thank you for comforting me.
 
Yes please pray for me, i’m in big trouble. I will sleep with the rosary in hand and with an open heart. Hopefully your prayers pierce through the darkness.
 
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