Grief

[DeniseNY]

I lost my mother on August 30, 2012. She had terminal cancer (metastatic melanoma), but she died suddenly from a heart attack.

Obviously, my grief when it first happened was intense and overwhelming. it sort of tempered a little bit, I think mainly because my family is in Ohio and after the funeral and spending some time there, I had to come back to my life in New York. Over the last year, I’ve done a lot of crying and I went through a period where I actually felt angry at her for leaving. That was preceeded by a feeling of acceptance. Acceptance and gratefulness that our Lord was merciful and took her quickly and painlessly and she didn’t suffer a horrible death. And also grateful that I was visiting her when it happened, and that I wasn’t miles away. That stage has passed, and now I’m back to the intense grief again.

I know they say there are “stages of grief”, but I feel like I’m going in a circle. Has anyone else had a similar experience? Is it different for everyone?

God bless

 

[cheezey]

I lost my mother on August 30, 2012. She had terminal cancer (metastatic melanoma), but she died suddenly from a heart attack.

Obviously, my grief when it first happened was intense and overwhelming. it sort of tempered a little bit, I think mainly because my family is in Ohio and after the funeral and spending some time there, I had to come back to my life in New York. Over the last year, I’ve done a lot of crying and I went through a period where I actually felt angry at her for leaving. That was preceeded by a feeling of acceptance. Acceptance and gratefulness that our Lord was merciful and took her quickly and painlessly and she didn’t suffer a horrible death. And also grateful that I was visiting her when it happened, and that I wasn’t miles away. That stage has passed, and now I’m back to the intense grief again.

I know they say there are “stages of grief”, but I feel like I’m going in a circle. Has anyone else had a similar experience? Is it different for everyone?

God bless

I can only offer, through some knowledge, but mostly experience, that it is indeed different for everyone.
That you are nearing the anniversary of your loss, and as such, it begins again, in a way.
That this is your Mom; there never was, and never will be, a loss like this again. There is no precedent, really.
Grief is a process. Only you can know best how it can and will affect you.
That said, there will always be ups and downs. With each “down,” with time, you will return “up” a little more quickly. This will be a part of your life and most likely, it will abate.
Time and patience.
If for some reason it takes over your life, you would need additional help, which is okay.
**But!! **I think prayers and time will get you through this.

It has been many years since most of my losses. I still have my ups and downs. I accept that, which helps, and I recover quickly.
Like when I see my mom’s favorite flowers; daisies! Her birthday, et al.
When I hold a baby, of course, I am reminded and get a little teary. Like now.
But I can now quickly think how blessed both he and my mother are to be with Jesus.
And I am healed.

My prayers go out to you.
Time truly will help.
As will the prayers.


May God bless you.

 

[cheezey]

Our Father, Who art in heaven
Hallowed be Your Name
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us;
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For Thine is the Kingdom
and the Power
and the Glory for ever and ever.
Amen.

Ave Maria, gratia plena,
Dominus tecum,
benedicta tu in mulieribus,
et benedictus fructus ventris tui Iesus.
Sancta Maria mater Dei,
ora pro nobis peccatoribus, nunc, et in hora mortis nostrae.
Amen

 

[Sheeniac]

My prayers are with you. My SO lost is mother in Feb and it’s been a rough road. My mother was just diagnosed with mild COPD.

I think our faith can help us, but it’s still devastating.

 

[Bonnie]

The “stages” of grief are just an outline, so to speak. We don’t follow lockstep. I know that I handled the deaths of my parents differently - Daddy’s was easier to accept because he was so much older.

Even tho Mom died in 2004 & Daddy in 2010, I still occasionally forget that they are gone. I’ll think, Mom would like a picture of this flower, or, Daddy would like this story - then I remember. At first the grief would hit me like a ton of bricks, but it has moderated over the years.

 

[meltzerboy]

I lost my mother on August 30, 2012. She had terminal cancer (metastatic melanoma), but she died suddenly from a heart attack.

Obviously, my grief when it first happened was intense and overwhelming. it sort of tempered a little bit, I think mainly because my family is in Ohio and after the funeral and spending some time there, I had to come back to my life in New York. Over the last year, I’ve done a lot of crying and I went through a period where I actually felt angry at her for leaving. That was preceeded by a feeling of acceptance. Acceptance and gratefulness that our Lord was merciful and took her quickly and painlessly and she didn’t suffer a horrible death. And also grateful that I was visiting her when it happened, and that I wasn’t miles away. That stage has passed, and now I’m back to the intense grief again.

I know they say there are “stages of grief”, but I feel like I’m going in a circle. Has anyone else had a similar experience? Is it different for everyone?

God bless

Denise, grieving is messy, it comes in waves, and not everyone goes through the Elisabeth Kubler-Ross stages of normal grief in the same sequence or at the same rate, if at all. There is nothing pathological or abnormal about that. In fact, for some, the second year of grieving can be more intense than the first and the period of grief can last one year, five years, or longer. Also, not everyone returns to a state of normality similar to the way they had felt before the death of a loved one, particularly after the loss of a child but sometimes a spouse or parent as well. I can say all of this from personal experience. You just have to let out your emotions when you feel them and not feel ashamed or guilty, seek the loving support of family and friends, and try to do the things that give your life pleasure, comfort, and meaning: pray, exercise, go to work, be creative, get together with friends, eat out, play with your dog or cat, participate in sports, listen to music, watch movies and television programs, help others any way you can. In time, you will learn to regain a sense of joy and purpose in your life.

 

[mek42]

I lost my best friend when I was in college. That first year anniversary was rough. Especially with so many new things going on that I could no longer call and talk with her about.

I don’t think anything anyone can say will help with the pain you have, but, no, you are not the only one like this. Do you have anyone where you live that you are close enough with to remember your relationship with?

 

[skigirl1689]

I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I have not lost a parent but I have had three uncles and an aunt pass away within a period of 3 1/2 years, all from cancer and all were relatively young, in their 50s. I still have intense times of sorrow and anger, even though it has been over a year since the last death and almost 5 years since the first. I definitely think it is a cycle, but at the same time I find it is connected to what is currently happening in my life.

I find I have needed to learn to be easy on myself and just go through what I am feeling, instead of trying to prevent or escape it. It is just part of the process, though sometimes I wish it was easier and more straightforward.

 

[maryjk]

I know they say there are “stages of grief”, but I feel like I’m going in a circle. Has anyone else had a similar experience? Is it different for everyone?

God bless

I lost my mom in 2011. I lost my dad the same year. Yes, it was a really, really bad year.

One thing I learned is that mourning and grief are nothing like I expected. And that my mourning and grief were nothing like my sister’s. So yes, it is different for everyone. I also don’t believe in “stages” of grief. Instead of moving from on stage to another, it seems that I bounce around the stages.

There are still places I can’t go. Movies I can’t watch. Songs I can’t play. Why? Because doing any of those thing, will put me into tears. Heck, Hallmark commercials can do the same thing. Mother’s Day, Mom’s birthday and the anniversary of her death put me right back to the day she died. I feel the same way about Dad. His birthday, Father’s day and the anniversary of his death are terrible days for me.

Yes, it is better than it was last year. So I have hope that it will be better next year. I am sure there will come a time that I will be able to watch the Wizard of Oz.

 

[Bonnie]

There are still places I can’t go. Movies I can’t watch. Songs I can’t play. Why? Because doing any of those thing, will put me into tears. Heck, Hallmark commercials can do the same thing.

Same here. I thought I was just turning into my mother, crying at the drop of a hankie. Now I have a better idea why she was so much more tearful as she got older.

 

[jakasaki]

I’m not going to post a long story but will say this:

My mom died on February 2010.

I mourned and cried for her for over 2 1/2 years - and then - it all stopped.

I accepted the fact she was gone and mourned no more.

I still miss my mom and think of her often, but not to a depressing crying and mourning state I was in in the past.

And this too shall pass!

 

[samaritana]

Denise,

What you are feeling is normal and common. The grieving process is not linear or even a cycle. It does not follow steps in order. At times you may feel as if you have healed as much as you can, then something happens and makes you feel as if the death had just occurred. The anniversary of your mom’s death is coming up, and as you are anticipating this date, those initial feelings are coming to the surface. Again, this is part of a normal grieving process.

Grieving is unique to every person. No two people grieve the same way, even if they have lost the same person, they will feel the pain differently because their relationship with that person was unique to them.

Allow yourself to feel what you feel. There is no wrong way to grieve. Do what you feel you need to do and feels right to you. Even if others tell you otherwise. find a safe support system and share your feelings with them. Talking about what you are going thru with others is helpful, especially if it is like a peer support group.

Remember that just because your mom is no longer in this world does not mean she does not exist. Remember that God is love, thus love can never end, love is forever. And so the love you feel for your mom AND the love she has for you will never end. your love story will be forever.

May the love of the Father, the comfort of the Holy Spirit and the grace of our Redeemer be always with you.

 

[cheezey]

Denise,

What you are feeling is normal and common. The grieving process is not linear or even a cycle. It does not follow steps in order. At times you may feel as if you have healed as much as you can, then something happens and makes you feel as if the death had just occurred. The anniversary of your mom’s death is coming up, and as you are anticipating this date, those initial feelings are coming to the surface. Again, this is part of a normal grieving process.

Grieving is unique to every person. No two people grieve the same way, even if they have lost the same person, they will feel the pain differently because their relationship with that person was unique to them.

Allow yourself to feel what you feel. There is no wrong way to grieve. Do what you feel you need to do and feels right to you. Even if others tell you otherwise. find a safe support system and share your feelings with them. Talking about what you are going thru with others is helpful, especially if it is like a peer support group.

Remember that just because your mom is no longer in this world does not mean she does not exist. Remember that God is love, thus love can never end, love is forever. And so the love you feel for your mom AND the love she has for you will never end. your love story will be forever.

May the love of the Father, the comfort of the Holy Spirit and the grace of our Redeemer be always with you.

Nicely put.

 

[CarolNoel]

I like to say this for my mom.

I remember thee in this solemn hour, my dear mother.
I remember when thou didst dwell on earth, and thy tender love watched over me
like a guardian angel.
Thou didst dwell on earth, and thy tender love watched over me, but the bond which unites our souls can never be severed.
Thine image lives within my heart.
May the merciful Father reward thee for the faithfulness and kindness thou hast ever shown me;
may He lift up the light of His countenance upon thee and grant thee eternal peac.
Amen

May you have peace.

 

[DeniseNY]

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. I really appreciate it.

The last week or so has been really hard. I find myself just starting to cry uncontrollably at the drop of a hat. When I’m walking down the street, in the grocery store, on the subway… It’s also been happening at work, which is a cause of concern for me of course. I’m trying to just accep what I feel, when I’m feeling it, but it’s not always easy.