Grieving a loss to a convent

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Recently, my best and oldest friend decided to join a cloister. The rules are, she may receive letters once a month, but only write once a year at Christmas. Even though I was raised in a Catholic household, I never really felt a part of the Church, until her example showed me what being a part of such an organization meant. I feel incredibly lost without her, and cannot help but feel hurt and angered by her decision to join a cloister. And while I know, intellectually, that I ought to be glad that she has found her calling, I am still extremely upset by her choice. And now that she has entered the enclosure, I can’t even bring myself to write a letter. I was wondering if anyone else has had such an expirience, or underwent a similiar calling, and could help me understand the pull of such a devoted calling.
 
I don’t have any advise, never having been though this with a friend before. I will be praying for both of you, though.
 
costtu said:
Recently, my best and oldest friend decided to join a cloister. The rules are, she may receive letters once a month, but only write once a year at Christmas. Even though I was raised in a Catholic household, I never really felt a part of the Church, until her example showed me what being a part of such an organization meant. I feel incredibly lost without her, and cannot help but feel hurt and angered by her decision to join a cloister. And while I know, intellectually, that I ought to be glad that she has found her calling, I am still extremely upset by her choice. And now that she has entered the enclosure, I can’t even bring myself to write a letter. I was wondering if anyone else has had such an expirience, or underwent a similiar calling, and could help me understand the pull of such a devoted calling.
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sounds to me like your grieving over it. perhaps you need to be happy for her because she found her calling, and she has given her life to Christ. becoming a nun is a very holy calling, and you should be proud of her. and give thanks to God. you should not feel angered, she has followed her heart and her calling. it is her choice after all.

you can’t bring yourself to write her because your feelings are getting in the way of it. put those feelings aside, and just be glad for her. and pray for yourself that you rid yourself of this anger and resentment. it is not healthy for you. say the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, and say often, Jesus I trust in You!

sooner or later you will let go of the feelings. and maybe you can then be happy for her. offer it up to Jesus.
 
I’m sorry this has happened to you. I’ve grieved over a different sort of loss involving a convent and a friend, and it’s not easy. In fact, every once in awhile, I still grieve.

All I can say is allow yourself to grieve when you need to grieve.
It’s great to say, “Be happy. She’s found her calling.” You might actually interiorly believe that someday. But right now, don’t lie to yourself if you don’t. Don’t try to blow sunshine up your own back end.

It’s OK to allow yourself to be angry or hurt. The challenging part is being willing to be in that uncomfortable spot for as long as it takes, as many times as it takes, to allow that hurt to be healed and transformed. Don’t apologize for your grieving and don’t beat up on yourself for needing the time to do it.

As for your second question, “What would pull her to such a life?”, I have no answer. Although I’ve discerned religious life off and on, I was never attracted to such a strict life. Obviously, she didn’t join them to hurt you, and she may be somewhat “blinded” to the way that other people perceive her calling. My best guess is that in checking them out and living their lifestyle, she has been given a glimpse of something so precious that she couldn’t NOT give anything to go find it: her most authentic self.

Or take a visual example: There is a horizontal rod from which 5 pendula are suspended. 4 of them are of different lengths. The last one is exactly the length of one of the four. Set this last one swinging in motion, and the pendulum of matching length will begin to swing, all on its own, in sympathy with the one you set in motion. It can’t help itself. It is in the presence of something of it’s own resonant frequency.
 
costtu said:
I was wondering if anyone else has had such an expirience, or underwent a similiar calling, and could help me understand the pull of such a devoted calling.
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I have had the experience and followed it for many years. I’d say that the closest thing to it you can think of is that of people falling in love, even madly in love.

Now imagine that same friend who entered the convent if she had married someone and left for a far away country. Imagine that they don’t have much money, she has to work in two jobs … and she won’t write one letter in the whole year. Only at Christmas time she would write for the first time …
This is a pretty possible and normal scenario… Or she might have married a very jealous man who would not let her write to anyone … Or many other possibilities …

Maybe would this be of help, if you could understand that your friend has actually gone to a far away country -the convent- where she doesn’t own her time -poverty and obedience- and can’t write to you. She may be grieving about it too … or maybe not.

Your strong reaction to your friend’s decision is the facto an important invitation for you to accept life as it is, where you -or any of us- do not have control over. This is tough to accept, but is an essential step for becoming a mature adult, and for having peace and being happy; that is reconciling with life as it is, not as I/we would like it to be.

Faith and a relationship with God are very helpful here.

You might even want to bring the question about your friend to God, in your heart, and allow yourself to be answered by God -who is ultimately the One behind your friend’s choice and the vulnerability you might be experiencing.

I’m praying for you, for healing and Peace.
 
costtu said:
Recently, my best and oldest friend decided to join a cloister. The rules are, she may receive letters once a month, but only write once a year at Christmas. Even though I was raised in a Catholic household, I never really felt a part of the Church, until her example showed me what being a part of such an organization meant. I feel incredibly lost without her, and cannot help but feel hurt and angered by her decision to join a cloister. And while I know, intellectually, that I ought to be glad that she has found her calling, I am still extremely upset by her choice. And now that she has entered the enclosure, I can’t even bring myself to write a letter. I was wondering if anyone else has had such an expirience, or underwent a similiar calling, and could help me understand the pull of such a devoted calling.
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I’m in a similar situation, except that I’d be the one leaving. Everyone’s calling is a little different, their reasons, etc. but it all boils down to the glory of God and the salvation of souls. “To be alone with the Alone,” as St. Teresa of Avila said. “He that shall lose his life for Me shall find it…If thou wilt be perfect, go sell what thou hast, and give to the poor, and come follow me…He that can accept it, let him accept it…” and many more scripture passages. To be the bride of the King of Heaven…who wouldn’t want that. For myself, it’s a matter of being alone with my Divine Spouse (if that is in fact my calling) and saving my loved ones through my prayers and sacrifices, united with His, of course. I highly recommned watching Therese. Your prayers are with me.

BTW, what monastery did she join?
 
Your post reminds me of Luis, St. Teresa de los Andes’ brother. She left for the cloister at 19. Her brother was heartbroken. They were extremely close and all the sudden she was leaving him and he wouldn’t be able to see her or talk to her. He couldn’t understand why she would go shut herself up behind walls and leave her family and friends.

She wrote this to her brother:

"If you could penetrate to the intimate depths of my poor heart for a few moments and be aware of the horrible struggle I feel at leaving the beings I adore, you’d take pity on me. But God wants this; and, if it were necessary to go through fire, I wouldn’t draw back. Since I desire this so ardently, God will give me happiness not only in this life but in eternity, as well.

I believe that you, more than anyone, can understand that there exists in my soul an insatiable thirst for happiness. I don’t know why, but I find this had doubled. From the time I was a little girl, I’ve been searching for it but in vain, because everywhere I discover only the shadow of happiness. Can that satisfy me? No, I’ve never allowed myself to be seduced by it. I long to love, but something I love doesn’t change and it is not a plaything for my passions or of circumstances of time and life. To love, yes, but an unchangeable Being, God, who has loved me infinitely from eternity. What an abyss there is between that pure, disinterested and immutable love, and the love a man can offer me! … In God, I find everything that I don’t find in creatures, because they are too small to satisfy the almost infinite aspirations of my soul. Yet you’ll say to me: but you can love God by living in the midst of your own family. No, my dear Luis, Our Lord reserved nothing for Himself when He loved me from the wood of His cross. he even left His heaven. His divinity was eclipsed, and now should I give myself by havles? Would you think it generous of me to keep for myself those to whom I’m most bound? What kind of an offering would I be making to Him then? No, dear Luis, the love I have, is above every created thing; and even though my own heart be trampled under foot, and torn to bits with pain, I won’t fail to say my goodbyes, because I love him madly. If a man is capable of making a woman fall in love with him to the point that she leaves everything, do you not believe, that God is capable of making His call irresistible to me? When one gets to know God; when in the silence of prayer He overshadows our soul with a ray of His infinite beauty; when He overshadows our mind with His wisdom and power; when He inflames us with His goodness and mercy; then everything on earth is seen with sadness. And the soul, chained down by the demands of the body by the social environment in which she lives, finds herself exiled and longing with ardent desires to contemplate endlessly that infinite horizon which as long as she looks at it expands without every finding limits in God.

Dear Luis, if you could understand the bitterness I find in everything around me, it wouldn’t surprise you that I’m seeking the convent walls to live in and spend my entire life in that uninterrupted prayer away from the noisy bustle of the world. You cannot understand this right now, but I’ll pray that God may reveal Himself to your soul some day, as He in His infinite goodness has revealed Himself to mine. Then you’ll see that it’s impossible not to suffer horribly when the soul finds itself with obstacles preventing it from constantly living in that loving contemplation of the adored All. When living in the midst of my loved ones, it’s not possible. The cares of life prevent it, even though one may have the most complete freedom.”
 
This is included in the same letter to Luis. The forum won’t let me post it all at once. I do hope this helps you to understand maybe a little of what your friend is experiencing and why she has done this.

"Luis, you who are so loved, I’m speaking to you heart-to-heart. At this moment I’m feeling all teh sorrow of our separation. I love you as I never loved you before. There are few brothers and sisters alive who are as close as the two of us Yet, I am still going to say my goodbye. Yes, Luis, of my soul. It’s necessary that I say this word which on the one hand is so cruel, but not if you consider how much it contains: ‘To God.’ Luis dear, we’ll live there forever. In God I’ll grant you an eternal rendezvous…

You don’t know how much I appreciate your love, Luis. Truly I know I don’t deserve it; but believe me, I love you twice as much. Deliriously. Imagine it; I am not only leaving you, but the two people I idolize most: my father and mother. And yet, I’m going to leave them for God. I’ve thought about and reflected on this a great deal, and I don’t want to turn back from this resolve, becoming a Carmelite, I’ll achieve the entire goal of happiness, which I’ve set for myself. If I remained in the world, I’d be unable to achieve all the good you describe; because virtue is a plant whose sap is God’s grace. Without it, virtue perishes. And tell me, honestly, do you think God will give me the grace if I’m unfaithful in following it? No. If He’s already given me the courage to sacrifice everything for love of Him, then I must not fail to be generous. Besides, what gift is greater then a vocation? And after so much love from God for a miserable creature, am I to remain at home, in the midst of everyone I love with every comfort? People renounce everything for a man, but for God no renunciation at all is accepted!

If you, dear Luis, would have seen me marrying a good young man who had no money and had taken me to the countryside far from all of you, you’d have accepted it. But because it’s God, you’re angry. Who can make me happier then God? In Him, I find everything. Now tell me, isn’t there an unfathomable abyss existing between the all-powerful God and His creature? Yet God doesn’t fail to descend to her, uniting her to Himself and divinizing her. And must I scorn the hand of the All-powerful One, the One who preserves me in His great goodness? No. Never. No one will convince me that my duty is not to follow God by sacrificing everything to repay His infinite love as best I can. Everything else would be selfishness on my part. I think you’ll see it just as I do.

Regarding what you say about God’s glory achieving not a thing if everyone were to enter the convent, I accept your opinion. But you must agree that not all good people are called by God to become religious. Still, there are souls to whom God grants an attraction for perfection, and those would be unfaithful if they didn’t surrender to that. It’s true that virtuous souls are needed in teh world, and today more than ever, good example is absolutely necessary; but, to remain in the world, one must have God’s special assistance. And I know that I don’t have the strength for that, because He’s not asking this of me. But greater still is the need for souls who, completely given over to God’s service, praise Him constantly to make up for the injuries done in the world; souls who love and keep Him company to make up for people who let Him be abandoned; souls who pray and perpetually raise their voices because of sinners’ misdeeds; souls who for the sake of fallen humanity sacrifice themselves with no show of glory in the depths of their cloisters. yes, Luis, a Carmelite gives more glory to God than an any apostle. St. Teresa saved more souls through prayer then St. Francis Xavier and she carried out this apostolate, unbeknown to herself.

… Luis, there’s only one more thing left to tell you. If I’d fallen in love with a young man in whom you believed I’d be happy and the young man were not to your liking, I would not have wavered for a moment in sacrificing my own happiness for you, because I love you so much. but we’re not dealing here with a human being, but with God. Since it is a matter of committing myself not only to temporal but eternal happiness, I cannot turn back. Forgive me for all the pain my decision has caused you. You know me. You more than anyone, can understand the pain in which I’m immersed, a pain that’s all the worse since I see that I’m the one causing the suffering of those I love so much…"
 
Your friend has probably left the world to respond to that aching in her soul which yearns to contemplate God and be with Him perpetually. Yet, also how sad she must have been to leave her love ones: her family, her dearest friends, and you. It was probably one of the toughest things she has ever had to do. But, to be completely happy and to satisfy that ache with in her she had to do it. She had to give herself totally to God. It probably causes her much sorrow, even now within the walls of the cloister, to know that her friends and family are still upset with her decision: that she is the reason for their anger and sadness. It probably hurts her very much. God is probably doing much to comfort, console, and reassure her. Her ache is no longer there though. She is with Jesus now and that causes her immense happiness… happiness that she could have never achieved here in the world surrounded by creatures who could never totally comfort and console her the way God can. To be happy, to be faithful to God, and to satisfy her very soul she had to go. Do not be fooled into thinking that it was easy for her to separate from you. It was not. Try to understand. Try to write her.

I will pray for you. God bless you!
 
I just wanted to share my own experience and what I’ve learnt from this so that I may be of some help to you, costtu.

My sister has recently entered an enclosed convent, too. Her convent is strict but humane, and luckily for me it is not as strict as your friend’s convent - I seem to receive letters from her quite regularly, which is a help since she is too far away for me to visit more than once a year.

Anyway, when she entered, I couldn’t help but feel extremely sad. As my elder sister, she has been around all my life, and now all of a sudden she’s not there. I thought of all the things I would no longer be able to do with her, all the things she would miss out on, and tears sprung to my eyes. My mum was a lot worse: she was desperately upset and was crying constantly; she cries when she writes to my sister and when my sister writes to her. Her faith isn’t very strong, and therefore it’s hard for her to understand fully the beauty of the cloister.

However, it is a beauty, and people often don’t understand this. People, even those from church, say “Well, if that’s what makes her happy…” But it’s not about what makes her happy. It’s about what makes God happy! God knows what is best for her, and although she and those left behind have to carry our crosses, it’ll be worth it in the end. She knows that Jesus wants her to Himself, that this is the life He wants her to lead.

So while it’s hard for those of us left behind, we have to remember that is God’s will. We should offer up our suffering, liken our cross to the Lord’s, and know that we are ever closer to Him at this time.

Please don’t feel hurt or angered by her decision. Remember that this is her calling and not yours, and that she did not do it to hurt you. It’s not her fault that you feel like this because she was simply following God’s will. If you don’t write to her, you will be causing her a lot of pain and unhappiness, and if she can only write once a year, there is nothing she can do to keep in contact with you. If you two are as close as you say, I can’t imagine the hurt she must be going through knowing that you haven’t written.

It struck me with my sister that it’s very hard to be the one stuck in the convent because at least those of us outside have each other for support and we can control when we keep in contact with her. But for her, she’s stuck inside and if people forget about her over the years, if people stop visiting and stop writing when the novelty wears off, she can’t do much about it and I know that would upset her.

So costtu, I completely understand what you’re going through and I really sympathise, but I urge you to pick up your pen and write to your friend. Don’t let the devil have his way and don’t let your hurt get in the way of a brilliant friendship. Pray for the grace to accept your friend’s decision, and I will pray for you too.
 
Bro, if anything, just know you are NOT alone. I am in a somewhat similar situation myself. The only thing is, my friend hasn’t left for the convent yet, she’s still discerning. But knowing her, I really think she has a calling. And worst yet, I just figured out I had feelings for her, which I’m not going to pursue in light of her discerning process. SO, I know a little bit about the feelings you must be going through.

However, just remember that God’s way is not our way. You said that this decision in her life has really made you think about your faith. I’m sure part of the reason God called her to the religious life is so that she can have a profound and important affect on other peoples lives. If her decision has brought you closer to God, then she’s already doing it! So, maybe knowing that your friend will be doing something that important can be some source of comfort for you.

And finally, even with the risk of sounding super corny, the following bible passage has really helped me remember what is important:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, (love) is not pompous, it is not inflated,

it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,

it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth.

It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

I know a lot of people quote this as romantic love, but it applies to all types of relationships, even close friends. I know your friend must really miss you. Please consider writing to her. Just remember she is trying to answer a very big call, and I’m sure that hearing from you, and knowing that your still around will help her transition a little bit easier. I’ll pray for you as well.
 
costtu said:
Recently, my best and oldest friend decided to join a cloister. The rules are, she may receive letters once a month, but only write once a year at Christmas. Even though I was raised in a Catholic household, I never really felt a part of the Church, until her example showed me what being a part of such an organization meant. I feel incredibly lost without her, and cannot help but feel hurt and angered by her decision to join a cloister. And while I know, intellectually, that I ought to be glad that she has found her calling, I am still extremely upset by her choice. And now that she has entered the enclosure, I can’t even bring myself to write a letter. I was wondering if anyone else has had such an expirience, or underwent a similiar calling, and could help me understand the pull of such a devoted calling.
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Your friend would be rather miserable and heartbroken if she did NOT follow her vacation. You could have her there with you all you like, but she would likely be very unhappy. I know if you love your friend, you want joy and happiness for her.

In a real way you need to understand that part of her intentions and aspirations are about a very real love for you! She wants to pray for the world, to withdraw from it and pursue interecession for it all at the same time. She will always remember you and will be praying for you.

Your letters will mean a great deal to her when she reads them. Please don’t forget her… In some communities, gifts to the entire community are allowed at Christmas… I have yet to meet a sister or nun who is not exceedingly grateful for some cookies from the outside during the times of year when she and her sisters may enjoy such.
 
I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time with this. My very best friend and her family moved away last year (along with my godson!) and it completely broke my heart. I know the situation is different, but I have only seen her once since she left. It is definitely a struggle - I prayed about it, and God helped me to realize that this was the best decision for her family, and that there was a reason that they had to go. Of course, like I said, it broke my heart, but I knew it was good for her and her family and because I love them so dearly, I had to make peace with the fact that this was something good for them.

As far as having friends/family in the cloister, my cousin entered in Hanceville a few years ago. Within a few months, she moved to the monastery in Portsmouth, OH. It’s hard not to see her at family functions, and I do miss her, but God has given our family many consolations through her vocation. I have grown so much closer to her and her immediate family, more than I ever was before she left. Also, when she entered, I met another nun in the cloister and we became instant friends. At that time, I never thought I’d see her again, but decided that I would write to her anyway. She has to have special permission to write back, so I will wait for a while to hear from her, but that makes it even better when I do! Also, if I send her and/or the rest of the nuns a gift, she can write to say thank you, which is cool (of course, you have to be creative about what you send since they give up their worldly possessions). Because I am not too far from Hanceville, I try to get up there as much as possible, and we have actually received permission to visit a few times.

I don’t know the rules of your friend’s cloister, or if you are close by or what, but you may find that it’s not quite as bad as you think. I’m not saying that it’s not difficult and painful, but if you are open to it, I believe that you will receive consolations just as our family has. It’s amazing how God works! It’s pretty cool too to have a whole cloister of nuns praying for you when you need them! I don’t fault you for being upset, but eventually it will get better, if you make your peace with it. I will pray for you!

I’m sorry this is so long!!!
 
daughterofmary said:
…"Luis, you who are so loved, I’m speaking to you heart-to-heart. At this moment I’m feeling all teh sorrow of our separation. I love you as I never loved you before. There are few brothers and sisters alive who are as close as the two of us Yet, I am still going to say my goodbye. Yes, Luis, of my soul. It’s necessary that I say this word which on the one hand is so cruel, but not if you consider how much it contains: ‘To God.’ Luis dear, we’ll live there forever. In God I’ll grant you an eternal rendezvous…

You don’t know how much I appreciate your love, Luis. Truly I know I don’t deserve it; but believe me, I love you twice as much. Deliriously. Imagine it; I am not only leaving you, but the two people I idolize most: my father and mother. And yet, I’m going to leave them for God. I’ve thought about and reflected on this a great deal, and I don’t want to turn back from this resolve, becoming a Carmelite, I’ll achieve the entire goal of happiness, which I’ve set for myself. If I remained in the world, I’d be unable to achieve all the good you describe; because virtue is a plant whose sap is God’s grace. Without it, virtue perishes. And tell me, honestly, do you think God will give me the grace if I’m unfaithful in following it? No. If He’s already given me the courage to sacrifice everything for love of Him, then I must not fail to be generous. Besides, what gift is greater then a vocation? And after so much love from God for a miserable creature, am I to remain at home, in the midst of everyone I love with every comfort? People renounce everything for a man, but for God no renunciation at all is accepted!

If you, dear Luis, would have seen me marrying a good young man who had no money and had taken me to the countryside far from all of you, you’d have accepted it. But because it’s God, you’re angry. Who can make me happier then God? In Him, I find everything. Now tell me, isn’t there an unfathomable abyss existing between the all-powerful God and His creature? Yet God doesn’t fail to descend to her, uniting her to Himself and divinizing her. And must I scorn the hand of the All-powerful One, the One who preserves me in His great goodness? No. Never. No one will convince me that my duty is not to follow God by sacrificing everything to repay His infinite love as best I can. Everything else would be selfishness on my part. I think you’ll see it just as I do.

Regarding what you say about God’s glory achieving not a thing if everyone were to enter the convent, I accept your opinion. But you must agree that not all good people are called by God to become religious. Still, there are souls to whom God grants an attraction for perfection, and those would be unfaithful if they didn’t surrender to that. It’s true that virtuous souls are needed in teh world, and today more than ever, good example is absolutely necessary; but, to remain in the world, one must have God’s special assistance. And I know that I don’t have the strength for that, because He’s not asking this of me. But greater still is the need for souls who, completely given over to God’s service, praise Him constantly to make up for the injuries done in the world; souls who love and keep Him company to make up for people who let Him be abandoned; souls who pray and perpetually raise their voices because of sinners’ misdeeds; souls who for the sake of fallen humanity sacrifice themselves with no show of glory in the depths of their cloisters. yes, Luis, a Carmelite gives more glory to God than an any apostle. St. Teresa saved more souls through prayer then St. Francis Xavier and she carried out this apostolate, unbeknown to herself.

… Luis, there’s only one more thing left to tell you. If I’d fallen in love with a young man in whom you believed I’d be happy and the young man were not to your liking, I would not have wavered for a moment in sacrificing my own happiness for you, because I love you so much. but we’re not dealing here with a human being, but with God. Since it is a matter of committing myself not only to temporal but eternal happiness, I cannot turn back. Forgive me for all the pain my decision has caused you. You know me. You more than anyone, can understand the pain in which I’m immersed, a pain that’s all the worse since I see that I’m the one causing the suffering of those I love so much…"
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Wow, this is such a beautiful letter. May God reward you, daughterofmary, for posting it here. I’m entering a cloistered Carmelite monastery myself next month (I’m taking a break now between my three-month observorship that just ended and postulancy, to tie up some loose ends), and this helped me understand better my feelings about entering Carmel, and my lack of desire to stay out in the world. :blessyou:
 
Morning_Star15 said:
Wow, this is such a beautiful letter. May God reward you, daughterofmary, for posting it here. I’m entering a cloistered Carmelite monastery myself next month (I’m taking a break now between my three-month observorship that just ended and postulancy, to tie up some loose ends), and this helped me understand better my feelings about entering Carmel, and my lack of desire to stay out in the world. :blessyou:
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My prayers and thoughts are with you!🙂
 
I am in a similar situation right now. I have been discerning the priesthood for some time. I have few around me that share the faith, and nobody that is really anywhere close to being on the same page as me spiritually speaking.

I recently met a wonderful girl who has been discerning a cloistered community, and we developed a very deep spiritual friendship. It was wonderful, she is a wonderful person - clearly made to be with God alone so wonderful she is 🙂 - and we related in a way that surpassed any relationship of any kind I have ever had by an extremely large margin. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced.

I want her so very badly to enter the cloister, as I know it is where she belongs and I want so badly for her to have that beautiful life! It gives me overwhelming joy to think of her there. She recently made a retreat to decide on entering a community, which she will.

Unfortunately, due to the advice that was given her at the monastery and her own concerns, we are no longer communicating until her entrance date, at which time I will attend her entrance and then we will communicate in the same way that your friend’s community works with.

I think I’ll be ok with that, but right now to have these last few months apart from her, at this time when friends and family prepare to say goodbye and share their “final” joys together on earth, is extremely painful and hard. On top of that, I am left spiritually alone and trying to love God essentially without any support, without the feeling of their being others on the same path as I, especially with relation to my discernment. It’s really, really hard, and really, really lonely.

I don’t know that I have that much advice I can give you, but I wanted to tell you my story so you would know you are not alone. I will also keep you in my heart so as that perhaps some of my suffering may be acceptable to God as a sacrifice on your behalf.

If anything, this is the best advice I can give you: let your sufferings be a constant oblation for your friend. I know it is hard to be alone spiritually, but as the saints might say, even to say one Glory Be in the state you are in is more pleasing to God, more meritorious, and more helpful to your and your friend’s ultimate time in eternity together than all of the fasts and prayers you might offer in an entire life without such a sorrow.

So offer your pain for your friend, and bring yourself to praise God. Spend time before Jesus in the tabernacle, try to make at least a few minutes on your knees each day. Try very hard to live in faithfullness through all the hurt and pain, and then take that hurt and pain to the tabernacle and tell Jesus, “It’s all for You.” You will find yourself more and more recognizing the Love of Jesus to make up for the love of your friend that you feel you have lost - and you will also beging to recognize the deep love that she in fact has for you!

Your friend is more than likely missing you too, and she is bringing that all to Jesus each and every day. You have such a treasure of prayer being offered for your soul, there is no doubt! If you are able to practice your faith through the pain, you will begin to grasp the love that your friend really does have for you, and that will be a tremendous comfort to you, I promise you that.

I can only stress that through all the pain, it all makes sense when I go before Jesus in the tabernacle or a monstrance. I don’t mean that it all intellectually makes sense, that the questions of confusions I have go away, but that in a very deep sense in my soul, the pain makes sense. I will ask Him that you will receive the same consolation.

Receive Communion as often as you can. Communion is where we get the word “communicate” from. To commune with a person is to be with them, to share life with them. Your fiend receives Communion every day. When you receive Jesus, and she does, you will be in Communion with each other.

And please, write to her! She would love to hear from you. She is in there suffering a bit too. You’re her friend! She would love to hear from you, to know you still care. You cannot get from her all of the same things she used to give you, but you can certainly give her the gift of love and of knowing that you have not moved on as if she meant nothing. This is a situation to ignore your feelings - not deny them - and do something. Just follow my advice, or, if it seems more in line with what you believe God would want, someone else’s. Just don’t allow those feelings to take hold of you and dictate what you do.

This girl is still your friend, the situation is just a little different. Don’t let negative feelings rob her friendship of you. So long as you don’t, I can tell you to look forward to Christmasses throughout your life that will always transcend any of the silly joy that comes from material things, as your gift each year will be your friend. 🙂
 
My best and oldest friend also joined a cloistered order about 8 years ago or so.

Our friendship has changed in some ways since she entered her order. In some ways we are more distant and face to face meetings are awkward, but in some ways it is stronger and more intimate. I have no doubt that her prayers played a part in my return to the church about 6 years ago. And her prayers have been a part of my life ever since. I feel quite free to ask for prayers for those close to me (and for myself whenever I need). She in return, asks for mine, and I oblige.

She is about 1500 miles from me, so I’ve only been able to visit her twice. They do have access to email, though, and I don’t think letters are restricted.

I am able to share my journey with someone who “gets” a good bit of it. The life she has chosen (or thelife that chose her) is very difficult. Sometimes we get this illusion that they are on a nice little life-long retreat, but that is quite different from the reality.

I do have to say, that I DID grieve for her at some point along the way. Already she was living in another state, so her “leaving” was not any big deal - she was just moving to another location. But at some point, I did cry and mourn the loss of her visits and our walks and talks when she would be home. And sometimes I still miss her.

I would say to go ahead and write to your friend. I often talk about what my kids are doing, church related stuff, my struggles and frustrations and successes. I know that she prays for me when I’m going through tough times, and I swear I can see the results in my life. I write to her quite often and get occasional replies. She tells me that she enjoys my emails and letters, though she only resonds to some and her replies are usually much shorter than my letters.

Stay connected, even though it may be tough at this point. Time and prayer are healing.

On a related note, I was very fond of our pastor who was reassigned last summer. I had sent him an email before he left, and he sent me a very nice email in return that had some comforting thoughts: He said that going to his new assignment was part of him becoming the person God created him to be. (Don’t want to get in the way of that!) That though change was difficult, the pain of parting gives witness to seeds of love that have brought forth fruit that will endure. And that though our paths diverge on the road of life, this does not truly seperate us, as we come to know one another in new ways.

As I said, I found his words comforting, and they were helpful when the day after he left, one of my best “mom-friends” came by to tell me that her husband had been transferred 9 hours away.

I felt like all I did this summer was “lose” people. I also found the Divine Mercy Chaplet to be comforting as I prayed it for all people going through a loss. Another thought that I had was that loss can bring us closer to God, if we fill the spot that remains with Him. He is all that we really have.

Prayers.

Sorry for the length.
 
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