Growing Up & Appreciating Good Friends

  • Thread starter Thread starter PelagiathePenit
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
P

PelagiathePenit

Guest
I have repeated this cycle in many friendships. My first close friendship during my teens used to call me out, correct me, “mother” me. In retrospect, she was looking out for me. She matured much faster than me. She always the one giving me advice. I seldom had anything to tell her about her behavior. I did not like that dynamic. I had a recent close friend in college, it was the same dynamic she was the more mature one having to help me grow-up and giving me advice. She challenged me and saw clearly right through me. I had to learn from her. I quickly learned to resent her. Why wasn’t I as self-motivated or self-contained as her? She did not need as much parental help as I did or still do now. I thought what advice could I give her in return. I wondered why these people associate with me. I would sabotage the friendship. I was recently involved with guy. He liked me, I always second-guessed it well because he was much more well-traveled, more experienced than I. What could he have learned from me? Why would he like me? I keep repeating the same cycle. I am frustrated with myself with never being the mature or dominant one in my relationships. When will I ever grow up? I am still very sensitive, emotional, immature, self-absorbed, slow-moving, impulsive. I get stuck in things. I do not easily transition, move on, accept things. I prefer hanging out with people in my maturity level, my mother says it is not good because we cannot correct each other or clearly see each other’s faults. Hanging out with people more mature than me makes me feel very inadequate. As you see, I have ruined many good friendships and potential romantic prospects based on this insecurity. What should I do? How can I appreciate having my mature friends that see me clearly and are willing to guide and give me advice without wanting anything in return from me?My current best friend sees me as her “helpless younger sister.” I am tempted to cut off our friendship.I have been told good friends are the ones who challenge, do not let you off the hook when you are wrong like the bible states “iron sharpens iron.” My mom says not all fingers are the same length. Of course there is the example of the body of Christ - 1 Corinthians 12:14-24 about how the whole body cannot be an eye, ear or nose.
 
PelagiathePenit said:
In my 20s. Does it make a difference truly? I am fresh out of college.
Click to expand...
Well, yes, it makes a difference.

At that age, and colleg educated, you should be self sufficient, have goals, be able to self regulate, build long term goals and plans, delay gratification, build and maintain friendships, and be an active member of adult society by working and giving back time, talent, and treasure to church and the broader community.

You describe yourself as self absorbed, immature, and impulsive.

If you aren’t doing these things, then it may be time to talk to someone in a professional capacity for personal and career coaching. If you can’t do these things, then it’s time to talk to a counselor or therapist.
 
1ke said:
Well, yes, it makes a difference.

At that age, and colleg educated, you should be self sufficient, have goals, be able to self regulate, build long term goals and plans, delay gratification, build and maintain friendships, and be an active member of adult society by working and giving back time, talent, and treasure to church and the broader community.

You describe yourself as self absorbed, immature, and impulsive.

If you aren’t doing these things, then it may be time to talk to someone in a professional capacity for personal and career coaching. If you can’t do these things, then it’s time to talk to a counselor or therapist.
Click to expand...
Ok. What does this have to do with my original post? I understand your advice here.
 
There are many “friends” that choose their friends because they can dominate them in some respect. This is not necessarily a bad thing if it can help the “weaker” friend grow and mature. Don’t be so quick to dismiss your friends, but to examine their motives. You seem to have some issues with self esteem, not with friends. Follow IKE’s advice and seek some counseling. Know what is very helpful? Volunteer work with the poor, the sick or elderly. The world does not rotate around you-never did-never will. Fill your universe with good works, charity and love for others. You will be surprised how life can level out. Good tidings, peace and prayers for you.👍
 
pianistclare said:
I agree with 1ke.
Click to expand...
Same here.

Psychologists talk about the “repetition compulsion”.

If you find a dysfunctional pattern recurring in several relationships, over and over again, it’s clearly the sign of an unresolved conflict of some sort. Talking to a good therapist would certainly help in such cases. 🙂
 
Mary_Estelle said:
There are many “friends” that choose their friends because they can dominate them in some respect. This is not necessarily a bad thing if it can help the “weaker” friend grow and mature. Don’t be so quick to dismiss your friends, but to examine their motives. You seem to have some issues with self esteem, not with friends. Follow IKE’s advice and seek some counseling. Know what is very helpful? Volunteer work with the poor, the sick or elderly. The world does not rotate around you-never did-never will. Fill your universe with good works, charity and love for others. You will be surprised how life can level out. Good tidings, peace and prayers for you.👍
Click to expand...
Dude, I agree. So much time. It sucks I do not have a car. I feel trapped in the house.
 
I do not currently have a job I cannot afford professional counselling. The best I can do is be nice to my family
 
1ke said:
Well, yes, it makes a difference.

At that age, and colleg educated, you should be self sufficient, have goals, be able to self regulate, build long term goals and plans, delay gratification, build and maintain friendships, and be an active member of adult society by working and giving back time, talent, and treasure to church and the broader community.

You describe yourself as self absorbed, immature, and impulsive.

If you aren’t doing these things, then it may be time to talk to someone in a professional capacity for personal and career coaching. If you can’t do these things, then it’s time to talk to a counselor or therapist.
Click to expand...
I cannot believe I even bothered posting this. It has been two months since I have been officially done with college and I expect myself to have everything put together. Patience is a virtue
 
It’s not unusual to feel clueless when you are out in the real world for the first time, lots of people go through it. Set yourself some small goals, look for a job even if it’s not the ‘right’ job, you can always look for a better job later and try to keep up a prayer life. It sounds like you need to build up your confidence, I wonder if these domineering friends sense that you aren’t confident. Some people love to dominate or play therapist with friends. It’s good to be mentored but a genuinely good mentor is more subtle than that.
 
PelagiathePenit said:
I do not currently have a job I cannot afford professional counselling. The best I can do is be nice to my family
Click to expand...
If you live in a suburban or urban area in the US, there are resources for free or greatly reduced counseling. Check your county health, Catholic Charities, call your parish or the diocesan office - they will have connections and resources. If you’re under 26 you might have mental health coverage from your parents that would cover or partially cover counseling.

There’s even telecounseling if you’re rural.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top