Guidance and prayers needed

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hookem

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This is my first post. I don’t have any family other than my husband and children, so it makes things difficult when something happens and I need to talk to someone.

We went to a friend’s house and around 9:00, I noticed my husband had too much to drink. I told him we needed to go, but he wasn’t ready wanted to finish his last beer (meaning he drank 12 beers in 4 hours). He refused to leave, so I left. Our son was going to drive my husband home after he finished his last beer. After I left, my husband apparently had a crown and water since he was out of beer.

Around midnight, my friend text saying they were trying to get my husband in the car, but he had become combative. After an hour of struggling with him to get in the car, they drive him to our house.

Once my husband gets in the house, he immediately becomes combative. I can’t understand what he is saying and is not making any sense. He is not understanding what we are saying to him. He came at me physically; our son ran out of his room to help. My husband gets physical with me and our son, trying to choke us, hit us, slap at us. Lots of pushing and shoving back and forth, growling like a dog, talking in a weird voice. Our daughter started screaming at him tell him the way he was acting was not her daddy. He went balistic and punched her in the face and our daughter took off running.

I called my mother-in-law to help. My husband’s step dad tried to calm him. Then my husband was trying to get out of his step-dad’s grasp when they flipped over on the tile floor and my husband broke his own nose.

I called the police. My husband was still combative and trying to get away from the police and EMTs. Yelling, cursing, telling them he loved them. They took him to the hospital. The nurse at the hospital said my husband was still very combative, speaking in English, Spanish and some other language?? they could not understand. They gave him medicine to try and calm him, but he fought it. Then they gave him something stronger and he finally calmed down.

My husband woke up about 11:30am Sunday. My mother-in-law said he looked around and said, where am I? Why am I here? He doesn’t remember anything.

All of his bloodwork came back perfect. Drug test came back negative. His BAC was .275.

I told my mother-in-law he needed to stay at her house for a bit. When he woke up Sunday night, my mother-in-law said he was very confused and not talking. She told him everything that had happened because he is saying he doesn’t remember anything at all.

He has never been like this or done anything like this before. I guess that’s why I am in a state of shock, confusion, anger. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t talked with him at all. I don’t want to talk with him right now; don’t want to look at him. At this point, I don’t know that I could ever forgive him for this.

Prayers, guidance and any words of wisdom are greatly appreciated.
 
Good heavens. It’s a mercy your husband isn’t dead, with that quantity of alcohol consumed. You say nothing like this has happened before; how much does your husband typically drink, and how does he behave when drinking?

I ask this because context matters. If your husband usually has one drink a day or less and just a few drinks with friends and doesn’t get violent, then I think this episode is something that you can get past, as deeply unpleasant as it was. If this is an aberration, your husband will no doubt apologize sincerely to you and you two can make a plan to ensure he stops drinking after a few drinks. Your family has every right to be angry with him, but you won’t be forever.

If your husband’s gradually been drinking more and more, or binges at intervals, this may be the symptom of an underlying problem. In that case, consider going to an Al Anon meeting and encourage your husband to check out AA. You might also encourage him to get checked out by a doctor; they can sometimes help screen and refer forsubstance abuse.

I’m sorry. This must be hard.
 
Two card him.
Red card him

He goes for help or you’re changing the locks.

He was edging to the point where he could of died.
 
He may have a beer or two on a Friday or Saturday night. If we are out to eat, he may have a beer on occasion. On very rare occasions he will have more than a beer or two (if we are at a party or family gathering for a holiday.) He has never been like this before while drinking. I was so terrified and so is my daughter. Our son is a very loving and forgiving person. He has spoken to his father, who apologized, said he was an idiot, doesn’t know what happened and has no clue how he can fix this. Our son said he loves his daddy and forgives him.
 
hookem said:
He may have a beer or two on a Friday or Saturday night. If we are out to eat, he may have a beer on occasion. On very rare occasions he will have more than a beer or two (if we are at a party or family gathering for a holiday.) He has never been like this before while drinking. I was so terrified and so is my daughter. Our son is a very loving and forgiving person. He has spoken to his father, who apologized, said he was an idiot, doesn’t know what happened and has no clue how he can fix this. Our son said he loves his daddy and forgives him.
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Something’s not adding up. People in their 40’s do not suddenly go on binges and rages. Full medical work up, psycological help, very firm lines. An “I’m sorry” is not enough.
 
Prayers.

Until you can figure out what is different or has recently changed/escalated then really not a lot of guidance we can offer. This being a one freak accident seems unlikely.
 
You say this does not sound like one freak accident. Let me assure you, if this had happened before then again this past weekend, I would be filing for divorce. I am not sure what I would have to lie about by saying this has never happened before.
 
No one thinks you are lying, but, perhaps your husband has been lying to you and hiding his drinking.
 
I’m not sure where he could be drinking. He is either at work or at home.
 
hookem said:
You say this does not sound like one freak accident. Let me assure you, if this had happened before then again this past weekend, I would be filing for divorce. I am not sure what I would have to lie about by saying this has never happened before.
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I don’t think anyone here thinks that you are lying.

What occurred is NOT the behavior of a “mistake”. Alcohol just doesn’t work like that. People don’t work like that. You may have been lied to and perhaps nothing was ever this bad that you saw but what you describe is utter chaos and not something that happens in a vaccumn.
 
He’s been under a lot of stress lately at work. There is talk of our athletic director leaving, which means the entire coaching staff typically changes. So he has been very worried he may be out of a coaching job soon.
 
hookem said:
I’m not sure where he could be drinking. He is either at work or at home.
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He had 12 beers in 4 hours after a lifetime of having one with dinner at most once a week?

Your daughter was punched in the face. Your son was choked. You could lose your kids if they are minors.

This isn’t an “accident”.

Your husband usually has 1-2 beers. Did no one think it was odd once he was going past 5-6-7? I am not blaming you for his choice to drink, but I’m going to assume you consort with people who share your values and would find it odd.
 
I didn’t know he had drank that many! If I did, I would have asked him to stop at 3 or 4. Like i said in an earlier reply, he has drank too much before, but never became violent or even angry. My idea of too much is 3 or 4 beers. Someone else may have a different view of what too much is.

There have been many times in our 20’s where he and his dad would drink on a Friday or Saturday night. They would drink a lot. But again, this situation has NEVER happened.
 
hookem said:
ent balistic and punched her in the face and our daughter took off running.
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I would forgive ONE incident of this and make sure your husband talks to the kids and tells them he is sorry, as it seems he he has already done. He also needs to PROMISE to never do this again or you are filing for divorce. That had to be so traumatic for everyone.

This for me would be contingent on a medical work up and a psychiatric evaluation to rule out mental or brain problems and find out how high of a risk he is for a full blown alcoholism problem or another incident of this kind. It would be prudent if he NEVER took another drink as well. I would also tell him that, that once was enough and you don’t want him drinking again. He should be able to do so easily if he does not have issues with alcohol and that horrific incident is enough to require NO MORE ALCOHOL for him Ever Again.

If he can’t meet those conditions, in my behumbled opinion, he is not sorry enough.

Hope this helps and I pray it all works out for for you and your family.

Blessings and Peace this Easter season.
 
As far as a mistake, ABSOLUTELY NOT! He chose to drink! He chose to drink that much! He made that decision on his own. I am NOT condoning his behavior at all.

I am struggling with this so much. As a Catholic, I do not believe in divorce. But as a mother and wife, this is unforgivable.
 
If my husband ever laid hands on my child, he would not be allowed in the same room as that child without some serious work.
 
hookem said:
I didn’t know he had drank that many! If I did, I would have asked him to stop at 3 or 4. Like i said in an earlier reply, he has drank too much before, but never became violent or even angry. My idea of too much is 3 or 4 beers. Someone else may have a different view of what too much is.

There have been many times in our 20’s where he and his dad would drink on a Friday or Saturday night. They would drink a lot. But again, this situation has NEVER happened.
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Like I said, I do not want you to feel blame at all.

Likely his violence was a result of him losing all ability to control himself. He was on the razor’s edge of being so black-out drunk he could have gone into irreparable heart failure.

I’m sure this situation hasn’t happened.

I’m pretty sure that most adults, even heavy drinkers, would find 12 beers in 4 hours excessive.

Perhaps this could be a slow slide…perhaps it was seemingly “out of the blue” to you. But these things never are. People don’t go from normal lives of moderation to 12 beers and a drunken rage–even if TV makes it seem typical.

One thing is for sure, you need to set some rules. No Alcohol. Full medical workup and full psch eval. Or he needs to find his own place.

At the very least this will protect your children from his decisions.

As a Catholic, you’re right, we don’t believe in divorce. Divorce is a secular occurrence that sometimes is needed to protect finances and children when a separation becomes permanent. Catholics 100% without a doubt DO support separation for the safety of spouses and children. What he decides to do if he chooses that is not something you can control.
 
He is not living with us right now. I will not allow it. His mother feels I should forgive him and work things out because he was “not in his right mind” due to the drunkenness and alcohol poisoning.
 
Forgiveness, of course!

That does not mean that there are not consequences. Has he gone to an AA meeting yet? Been screened by a counselor?
 
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