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hookem
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I’m not saying he has NEVER drank too much. I’m saying he has NEVER acted like this. On occasion he has drank too much. Family holiday gathering, dad’s 60th birthday party. Things like that.
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hookem
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This just happened. I haven’t spoken to him at all. I can’t even think about talking to him right now.
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Xanthippe_Voorhees
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I think this is where you are somewhat not seeing the picture clearly. He has drank too much in the past. He has shown the red flags of behavior that was escalating, even if ever so slightly.
What might be productive for you now is to sit down and write everything you can remember from the time you met. When he drank, how he drank, what stressors were going on (birth of a child, loss of a job). It might help you to see a picture you can’t see right now…the slow slide.
Sometimes, as with our children, we are locked into one view of them. We see them as a cute 5yo who means well, when really they are a 15yo who is making a poor choice on purpose. I journal, and wil often re-read what I wrote and I realize how much has changed that I don’t really see–because what I know of a person is still locked in deeply with early impressions and hasn’t moved with reality. Like with my friend who “betrayed” me…I thought we were all fine and it was “out of the blue” but in reality, she had been escalating and showing me her not so nice side for months. I just dismissed all the minor annoyances. I just didn’t see it until I looked at it with a fresh set of eys.
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hookem
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Journaling is a great idea. Thank you.
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Lou2U
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I’m sorry this has happened. Firstly I would say keep talking to your children - make sure they know what he did was unacceptable, and that you won’t allow him back until they are comfortable with it. I wouldn’t take your son’s forgiveness as a sign he truly has forgiven his father just yet.
I also think your husband has been lying to you about his drinking habits. He needs to make some drastic changes. No more drinking. Go to Al-Anon, and check out the support system they have for spouses and children. Don’t let his mother move him back in until you’re ready - if she won’t keep him, tell him he needs to find a place of his own for a while.
Journalling is a good idea. Maybe ask if your kids want to journal their own thoughts and feelings too - it might help them to work out how they feel. I bet they’re very confused and upset right now.
I also think your husband has been lying to you about his drinking habits. He needs to make some drastic changes. No more drinking. Go to Al-Anon, and check out the support system they have for spouses and children. Don’t let his mother move him back in until you’re ready - if she won’t keep him, tell him he needs to find a place of his own for a while.
Journalling is a good idea. Maybe ask if your kids want to journal their own thoughts and feelings too - it might help them to work out how they feel. I bet they’re very confused and upset right now.
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Sugabee43
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I’m in this line of work, and see on a regular basis; especially if you’re talking football coaches. During the season, they are ALWAYS at work or at work-related events. HOWEVER…they’re gone so much that a coach who really wanted to could do a lot of drinking without family ever knowing. Just saying.
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Sugabee43
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I journal, too. BOY, this has come in handy during the stress and trying to figure out why my husband up and left me… and how I should have seen the red flags.
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JanetF
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I would insist on a full medical and psychological work-up based on what you have told us.
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TheLittleLady
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And get counseling for both of these kids. A daughter who was punched by her father, the damage that can do to a young woman’s sense of self makes this a pressing issue. If your daughter wants to press charges, she needs to be supported in that.
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Roseeurekacross
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Ok.
How old are your son and daughter?
He is a very aggressive drunk. And this is dangerous, as you discovered. My ex tried to kill me after a drinking session, and is a very aggressive drunk. He denies it because he doesn’t remember.
Your hubby has no memory of his behaviour, which will be normal after that much alcohol.
Your first rule should be no interaction with him if he is drinking, even 1 drink. Because 1 becomes 3 becomes 7 … and this rule is purely for your safety and that of your family. It’s not for him. It’s for you and your children,
This guy was totally out of control. He has anger management issues, is this the first time they have surfaced?
He may also have psychological issues that are coming to the fore.
He will crash into depression getting all that alcohol out of his system. Alcohol is a depressant. So that will be normal.
My advice - having known and almost been murdered by an aggressive drinker is
Have police on speed dial to turn up as soon as he starts getting aggressive again. You need to word up friends too. For example, the house he was drinking at, as soon as he refused to leave and started acting out, they should have called police.
As soon as he turned up and started slapping you and the kids around, police should have been called.
It’s for your safety.
If his step father had to wrestle him to the ground, your son has no hope of intervening to keep you all safe. Though that kid is a hero for trying.
I am so sorry for you. But as I said, aggressive drunks can end in people’s deaths.
How old are your son and daughter?
He is a very aggressive drunk. And this is dangerous, as you discovered. My ex tried to kill me after a drinking session, and is a very aggressive drunk. He denies it because he doesn’t remember.
Your hubby has no memory of his behaviour, which will be normal after that much alcohol.
Your first rule should be no interaction with him if he is drinking, even 1 drink. Because 1 becomes 3 becomes 7 … and this rule is purely for your safety and that of your family. It’s not for him. It’s for you and your children,
This guy was totally out of control. He has anger management issues, is this the first time they have surfaced?
He may also have psychological issues that are coming to the fore.
He will crash into depression getting all that alcohol out of his system. Alcohol is a depressant. So that will be normal.
My advice - having known and almost been murdered by an aggressive drinker is
- Refuse to allow you or your family anywhere near him if he wants to have even 1 drink.
2: medical professional consultation and full work up to determine if an undiagnosed psychological issue has surfaced
3: you and the children need to consult a professional and determine what actions and factors you are going to deploy for your own safety in the future.
Have police on speed dial to turn up as soon as he starts getting aggressive again. You need to word up friends too. For example, the house he was drinking at, as soon as he refused to leave and started acting out, they should have called police.
As soon as he turned up and started slapping you and the kids around, police should have been called.
It’s for your safety.
If his step father had to wrestle him to the ground, your son has no hope of intervening to keep you all safe. Though that kid is a hero for trying.
I am so sorry for you. But as I said, aggressive drunks can end in people’s deaths.
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Horton
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First people in their 40s can have an alcoholic blackout for the first time. Behavior during an alcoholic blackout is very unpredictable. He can’t remember because it was a blackout. It very unlikely this is due to a undiagnosed psychiatric problem, those do not manifest in people around the age of 40.
As the OP said, this was a one time only incident. With precautions, it will never happen again. It is entirely possible that someone has too much to drink on an occasion, do something stupid, learn from it and never do it again.
All of you jumping on the “he is a beast, never trust him again” bandwagon really need to spend some time in reality. This happened a few days ago, all the alcohol is out of his system, especially as it was a one time deal. The OP has said he has never done anything like this before so that would rule out “anger issues”.
To the OP, take your time in dealing with this and get some help from your priest who knows both of you. I sent you a PM.
As the OP said, this was a one time only incident. With precautions, it will never happen again. It is entirely possible that someone has too much to drink on an occasion, do something stupid, learn from it and never do it again.
All of you jumping on the “he is a beast, never trust him again” bandwagon really need to spend some time in reality. This happened a few days ago, all the alcohol is out of his system, especially as it was a one time deal. The OP has said he has never done anything like this before so that would rule out “anger issues”.
To the OP, take your time in dealing with this and get some help from your priest who knows both of you. I sent you a PM.
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Roseeurekacross
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Because you are going to get conflicting advise, of which some will be quite inaccurate, and in error,
And because the safety of you and your children comes first,
Age on onset of mental disorders
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov
And this can be for many reasons including things like brain tumours etc. stress,
You regard 3 or 4 drinks as too many. He drank 3 times more and became extremely aggressive. And yes, it happened once, it will again.
Don’t allow anyone to make excuses, don’t make excuses yourself. I sincerely hope he is charged. It might make him think twice about drinking. And will hopefully help him understand the gravity of the situation.
Before you go to a Priest, you need to put your trust in medical and social welfare professionals, and the legal process. Your daughter needs to feel safe. As you say, she is terrified, and with good reason.
A Priest will help with the spiritual side of things, but he cannot work out what precipitated this episode. That needs the science of the medical profession.
And because the safety of you and your children comes first,
Age on onset of mental disorders
Age of onset of mental disorders: A review of recent literature
To review recent epidemiological research on age‐of‐onset (AOO) of mental disorders, focusing on the WHO World Mental Health (WMH) surveys.Median and inter‐quartile range (IQR; 25[th] –75[th] percentiles) of AOO is much ...
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov
And this can be for many reasons including things like brain tumours etc. stress,
You regard 3 or 4 drinks as too many. He drank 3 times more and became extremely aggressive. And yes, it happened once, it will again.
Don’t allow anyone to make excuses, don’t make excuses yourself. I sincerely hope he is charged. It might make him think twice about drinking. And will hopefully help him understand the gravity of the situation.
Before you go to a Priest, you need to put your trust in medical and social welfare professionals, and the legal process. Your daughter needs to feel safe. As you say, she is terrified, and with good reason.
A Priest will help with the spiritual side of things, but he cannot work out what precipitated this episode. That needs the science of the medical profession.
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Roseeurekacross
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And I would suggest an MRI with brain tumour filters on. My son’s friend just lost his life to a brain tumour. Before it surfaced he was becoming increasingly aggressive, as we learnt, through no fault of his own.
I will pray for you all
I will pray for you all
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Legend
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Note: This is not meant to be medical advice in itself. So, if anything applies, speak to a medical doctor.
Is he on any medication? If so, or if a long time medication has been changed, it could be very dangerous for him and/or exacerbate the effects of alcohol;
You say he’s bern under a lot of stress…could friends have been giving him drugs like tranquilizers or anti-depressants to ‘help’ him. Not a good idea, especially if he mixes them with alcohol.
Please…don’t allow him to return, or spend time with him alone or with your kids, until he has a proven track record, and is willing to stop drinking. Prayers for you and your kids
Is he on any medication? If so, or if a long time medication has been changed, it could be very dangerous for him and/or exacerbate the effects of alcohol;
You say he’s bern under a lot of stress…could friends have been giving him drugs like tranquilizers or anti-depressants to ‘help’ him. Not a good idea, especially if he mixes them with alcohol.
Please…don’t allow him to return, or spend time with him alone or with your kids, until he has a proven track record, and is willing to stop drinking. Prayers for you and your kids
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