A
apologisttobe
Guest
As an introduction my wife endured a long time of abuse from her father, mental, physical, etc. She endured further abuse from others throughout her life. Her father is a lapsed Catholic who has dabbled in the occult and his religious views are he does what he pleases.
Over the years she’s managed to forgive him and attempted to reach out for a father’s love only to be hurt over and over. The man was abused during his childhood so it’s all he knows. It’s caused her deep depression.
We’re both devout Catholics and the father has a special appreciation for talking in a salacious way and even having pictures and sayings on the wall as posters. Just about every thing you could dream up him doing he has said and done, mean spirited things about her looks, mean spirited things about her life choices.
Mother and father divorced long ago and mother was abusive in a different manner. Quite bizarrely they have struck up a friendship since then and I have witnessed them trade inappropriate sexual comments to each other, trade jabs at their daughter, and just say terrible things in general. It takes everything in me to not let them have it on the rare occasions we’re around them.
Now the man is dying from cancer and either in the end stages or very close and living in terrible conditions. My wife has attempted to visit with him as an act of mercy, driving a few hours to his home. She deeply wants to help him in almost every which way. She was initially greeted kindly, but then when she tried to play a more active role in his care she was told cruel things and that she was selfish for wanting to tell him how he should receive treatment. She was told her tears pissed him off and he wanted her to cut the bull. His stance is he wants no medical treatment and the times he is around medical people he is equally cruel to them for wanting to help him.
She doesn’t wish him ill, nor do I. I believe he does deserve mercy and I’ve seen her extend mercy multiple times now. I can already see his hateful actions trying to pull her back into a depression she climbed out of through a lot of hard work.
At one point I thought I had convinced her he simply can’t be helped, at least not by her and not to feel guilty over it. But when she hears the latest chatter from him or family members about his condition she throws caution to the wind and delves in only to get hurt time and again.
Is there any discussion by a priest about similar stories of cases like this when an act of mercy ends up going awry? Or some type of helpful words of wisdom. I’ve told her the best thing we can do is pray for him to God that he converts before it’s too late.
I don’t wish her to sin by not honoring her father or by not extending mercy. I don’t wish to sin by misleading her. I know she is fragile right now and perhaps it’s a sin for her to walk in well aware of the abuser’s intentions and knowing it can send her into a depression and not think of her spouse and what it can do to the marriage, though I’m not sure about that.
It’s a terrible position to be in, it could go on for weeks or even years there’s no way to know. I don’t think we’re better than him at all. Luckily he has family members where he lives including other children, but it’s a dysfunctional family over all so there’s not much help there.
I’m trying my best to guide her. I know she could speak with a priest for spiritual guidance but it would take her months to get out all of the details of her life because she is a very emotional person. Me on the other hand I can put it all out there without getting caught up in the feelings. I don’t want to say she’s a special case where mercy shouldn’t be extended to her father, I’m just saying there’s a long story to this.
Mercy should continue to be extended, I just have a hard time justifying that it should not be her to do it at this point in person. I do believe unlike a lot of the secular world there is value in suffering and that she can unite her pains to Jesus’ pain. But I think there are other ways she can show mercy, endure suffering that will be more fruitful to her soul.
Over the years she’s managed to forgive him and attempted to reach out for a father’s love only to be hurt over and over. The man was abused during his childhood so it’s all he knows. It’s caused her deep depression.
We’re both devout Catholics and the father has a special appreciation for talking in a salacious way and even having pictures and sayings on the wall as posters. Just about every thing you could dream up him doing he has said and done, mean spirited things about her looks, mean spirited things about her life choices.
Mother and father divorced long ago and mother was abusive in a different manner. Quite bizarrely they have struck up a friendship since then and I have witnessed them trade inappropriate sexual comments to each other, trade jabs at their daughter, and just say terrible things in general. It takes everything in me to not let them have it on the rare occasions we’re around them.
Now the man is dying from cancer and either in the end stages or very close and living in terrible conditions. My wife has attempted to visit with him as an act of mercy, driving a few hours to his home. She deeply wants to help him in almost every which way. She was initially greeted kindly, but then when she tried to play a more active role in his care she was told cruel things and that she was selfish for wanting to tell him how he should receive treatment. She was told her tears pissed him off and he wanted her to cut the bull. His stance is he wants no medical treatment and the times he is around medical people he is equally cruel to them for wanting to help him.
She doesn’t wish him ill, nor do I. I believe he does deserve mercy and I’ve seen her extend mercy multiple times now. I can already see his hateful actions trying to pull her back into a depression she climbed out of through a lot of hard work.
At one point I thought I had convinced her he simply can’t be helped, at least not by her and not to feel guilty over it. But when she hears the latest chatter from him or family members about his condition she throws caution to the wind and delves in only to get hurt time and again.
Is there any discussion by a priest about similar stories of cases like this when an act of mercy ends up going awry? Or some type of helpful words of wisdom. I’ve told her the best thing we can do is pray for him to God that he converts before it’s too late.
I don’t wish her to sin by not honoring her father or by not extending mercy. I don’t wish to sin by misleading her. I know she is fragile right now and perhaps it’s a sin for her to walk in well aware of the abuser’s intentions and knowing it can send her into a depression and not think of her spouse and what it can do to the marriage, though I’m not sure about that.
It’s a terrible position to be in, it could go on for weeks or even years there’s no way to know. I don’t think we’re better than him at all. Luckily he has family members where he lives including other children, but it’s a dysfunctional family over all so there’s not much help there.
I’m trying my best to guide her. I know she could speak with a priest for spiritual guidance but it would take her months to get out all of the details of her life because she is a very emotional person. Me on the other hand I can put it all out there without getting caught up in the feelings. I don’t want to say she’s a special case where mercy shouldn’t be extended to her father, I’m just saying there’s a long story to this.
Mercy should continue to be extended, I just have a hard time justifying that it should not be her to do it at this point in person. I do believe unlike a lot of the secular world there is value in suffering and that she can unite her pains to Jesus’ pain. But I think there are other ways she can show mercy, endure suffering that will be more fruitful to her soul.