Guilt about my husband's vasectomy, and presumption

[ChristiRose8]

I converted to Catholicism before my husband and I married. He had been baptized in the Church but never went to CCD or was confirmed. Although his family are all Cradle Catholics, they are non-attenders and don’t believe in any of the church doctrines and my husband basically stopped going to Mass after we married.

I have many regrets and mistakes in my past, and one that haunts me the most is the fact that after our son(our second child) was born, my husband and I decided that he would get a vasectomy. I had severe ppd, my son had colic, and this was my husband’s first child(and first experience with a newborn) because my daughter was mine from a previous relationship and we made a huge mistake and he had the procedure done. This is only my opinion, however, that he doesn’t share. He is unrepentant and whenever I express sadness or guilt it is obvious that he doesn’t feel the same way and is glad to have done it. I have confessed this and explained these feelings to more than one priest because this feeling just lingers, but unlike when I confess other sins and am absolved this one continues to bother me. I feel like this guilt has even led me to leave the Church a few times(I’ve very recently returned, happily) because I know I made this grave error and I feel like I am doomed for it. I have tried to ask my husband if he would consider getting a reversal at some point, but he refuses to do so. It’s not just because I want more kids(although I would welcome any that may result from a reversal), but I want to make the situation right with God-even though it wouldn’t erase what had happened.

I also only have recently really understood that I have been gravely guilty of presumption twice that I can recall-which I’ve never confessed because I didn’t realize that it had been present. I’m saddened that on both occasions(one of them is the vasectomy) I either secretly or publically(on Facebook, no less) professed that I would go to confession after I did something that I knew was wrong.

I know these situations are grave and I am only here asking for advice on how to deal with them properly because I know that I need to make them right. I have left the Church a few times due to guilt and I have to strengthen my faith because I refuse to leave again. Can I be a part of the Catholic Church having made these grave errors? Am I condemned to Hell because the vasectomy is “unfixable” in my situation and because I was sinfully presumptuous in public? I mean I’m sure that besides looking like a hypocrite and a fool I just completely fed into the public misunderstanding of the Church and the negative and untrue stereotype that all Catholics just go around doing whatever knowing that they’ll confess sometime later. I feel like the guilt for these things just weighs on me so heavily and it is so painful to know that I’ve disappointed God so badly and made a mockery of His Church. Please, ANY help or advice you can give is welcome. Thank you and God bless.

 

[commoncents]

I converted to Catholicism before my husband and I married. He had been baptized in the Church but never went to CCD or was confirmed. Although his family are all Cradle Catholics, they are non-attenders and don’t believe in any of the church doctrines and my husband basically stopped going to Mass after we married.

I have many regrets and mistakes in my past, and one that haunts me the most is the fact that after our son(our second child) was born, my husband and I decided that he would get a vasectomy. I had severe ppd, my son had colic, and this was my husband’s first child(and first experience with a newborn) because my daughter was mine from a previous relationship and we made a huge mistake and he had the procedure done. This is only my opinion, however, that he doesn’t share. He is unrepentant and whenever I express sadness or guilt it is obvious that he doesn’t feel the same way and is glad to have done it. I have confessed this and explained these feelings to more than one priest because this feeling just lingers, but unlike when I confess other sins and am absolved this one continues to bother me. I feel like this guilt has even led me to leave the Church a few times(I’ve very recently returned, happily) because I know I made this grave error and I feel like I am doomed for it. I have tried to ask my husband if he would consider getting a reversal at some point, but he refuses to do so. It’s not just because I want more kids(although I would welcome any that may result from a reversal), but I want to make the situation right with God-even though it wouldn’t erase what had happened.

I also only have recently really understood that I have been gravely guilty of presumption twice that I can recall-which I’ve never confessed because I didn’t realize that it had been present. I’m saddened that on both occasions(one of them is the vasectomy) I either secretly or publically(on Facebook, no less) professed that I would go to confession after I did something that I knew was wrong.

I know these situations are grave and I am only here asking for advice on how to deal with them properly because I know that I need to make them right. I have left the Church a few times due to guilt and I have to strengthen my faith because I refuse to leave again. Can I be a part of the Catholic Church having made these grave errors? Am I condemned to Hell because the vasectomy is “unfixable” in my situation and because I was sinfully presumptuous in public? I mean I’m sure that besides looking like a hypocrite and a fool I just completely fed into the public misunderstanding of the Church and the negative and untrue stereotype that all Catholics just go around doing whatever knowing that they’ll confess sometime later. I feel like the guilt for these things just weighs on me so heavily and it is so painful to know that I’ve disappointed God so badly and made a mockery of His Church. Please, ANY help or advice you can give is welcome. Thank you and God bless.

Whats the point of feeling bad about it? Seriously, what is it going to accomplish? Focus on following God’s word in the future and don’t dwell on the past. Look into the scrupulisity/ocd group on here, because you seem to be a little scrupulous.

EDIT: Think of Paul and what he did before his conversion.

 

[ChristiRose8]

Thanks so much for the reply! I agree that I have some tendencies toward scrupulosity and being a perfectionist, which is silly but it is what it is. I’m really trying to lighten up on myself. :blush:God bless!

Edit: And that’s actually good advice about just following God’s Word from here on out and leaving the past in the past. Thanks!

 

[Art321]

I am no expert on this but since you have gone to confession, then this sin is simply history. I have heard about similar situations here on the forums and what has been said is that as long as you have repented, you don’t have to reverse the procedure.

Now since your husband did this, just pray for him to realize the mistake that he made. Once his eyes open, if he wishes to reverse the procedure then he may. But as said before once this happens he doen’t have to reverse the procedure and not doing so will not be a sin. As long as he repents for doing the procedure in the first place. That is what counts.

I hope this helps.

 

[90Domer]

First, God bless you in this struggle. However, you have made a good confession, and I pray that you will forgive yourself (God has already through a sincere confession).

I wanted to make a couple of points: 1) I know surgery in that area in very painful for men–I can understand reluctance about a reversal. 2) The beauty of confession is to ask forgiveness for our sins and to be absolved. Don’t keep beating yourself up–concentrate on being a great mom and wife. 3) My dh and I sinned in a similar vein (related to fertility). There were consequences we could not change. However, we’ve been told by many confessors to let our mistake go and bear witness to the proper teachings of the Church.

 

[nickelbre1]

I have been struggling with this same issue. For me it is not only guilt, but an overwhelming sense of loss. My husband gives me trite answers: “get over it.” “God forgave me, why can’t you.” etc. But for me the grief is so tangible sometimes it is like it is a trunk sitting on my chest and I cannot breathe. I confessed to my husband only yesterday that since he had the procedure 9 years ago, I have cried probably 3-4 times per week.

I have tried to bury this issue (confessed several times), I got a job, I homeschool, I participate in search and rescue, I volunteer in a shelter. I believe God did forgive my sin, but I long to look into the eyes of the children I have denied. My husband said he is glad he did it because he worried about me being pregnant and afterward the ppd was aweful. I don’t know all that he endured because he isn’t the talkative type.

The lyrics to a song say something to the effect of, “we all have to live with the choices we’ve made, but I can’t live with myself today.” I guess this is how I feel.