Guilt over sister's suicide

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brbgrl

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I think I just need some encouraging words and prayers. My sister took her life over Christmas and I can’t help but feel guilty. She suffered from SEVERE mental illness. I had tried to get her help many many times during her short life. She even lived with me, my husband and toddler (while I was pregnant) for almost a year. It was very difficult emotionally, financially, physically. She was psycotic during part of it. She lacked insight into her illness so was very resistant to getting help/taking meds. We eventually got her back on her feet with support from a doctor, psychiatrist, therapist, case manager, and medications. She was able to move out on her own and got a job. It was not long before she stopped her meds and I saw her spiraling out of control again. About this same time my husband and I moved our family several hours away from my sister. It was a move that was best for my immediate family, but less than 2 months later we lost my sister. We were her primary support system and I can’t help but wonder if maybe if we hadn’t moved she would still be here. I knew she wasn’t doing well (even before we moved) and I tried to get her help by taking her to her therapist and encouraging her to talk to her doctor about her medications. After we moved we kept in good contact and I continued to encourage her to get help but she wouldn’t. I couldn’t force her/trick her into getting help (like I had several times in the past - she would never go in voluntarily) so far away. I was also very busy trying to take care my own family (2 small children), starting a new job, illness, moving, etc. I just felt like after spending so much time and energy on her over the previous couple years I needed to focus on my husband and children. I told her she could not visit us for Christmas (she was acting delusional and I didn’t want her around my kids, also there are no mental health services where I live). She lost her job due to her psychotic behavior. We didn’t hear from her for several days so my mother went to check on her the day after Christmas and found her dead. We are all my mother has left as well and we moved farther from her also.

The primary driver of the move was to take jobs that would allow me to stay home more with my children which I felt I desperately called to do. Was it selfish of me to do this for my children at the expensive of my sister and mother? I just don’t know how I will ever come to terms with this. It doesn’t help that my 2 year old keeps telling me how much she loves and misses her aunt and wants her to come back. Is it worth having me at home more when what it took to make that happen possibly cost her relationship with her aunt? Deep down I know she was very sick and I couldn’t fix her, but these are the questions that keep going through my mind…
 
Prayers for your sister’s soul and for you.

Eternal rest grant unto her oh Lord and let perpetit al light shine upon her. May her soul and the souls of the faithful departed through the mercy of God rest in peace.

Rationally, you should not feel guilty for your sister’s death. But just becausr we tell you that won’t mean that you won’t feel that way. You lost your sister and that was a terrible loss. It is perfectly normal for you to look back and wonder about what coulda/woulda/shoulda been different so that it would not have happened. But you are not to blame.

Have you spoken to a good priest about this? Maybe it would help you feel better to talk about it within a confessional. I believe in the power of the Sacraments and Confession is a sacrament of healing. Also, you can have Masses said for her.

Prayers.
 
I am so sorry for your loss.

You are attempting to paint this as an either/or. Either your children/husband OR your mother/sister. It is not a zero sum game. You have done what you can for your adult sister and your mother. You will continue to be there for your mother-- if she does not have any support network, encourage her to seek out assistance from her pastor.

You are not responsible for the emotional and physical well being of all those around you. You cannot possibly be, don’t take that on yourself.

Those who suffer from mental illness need our compassion, but they also need boundaries. Those who are family members often feel guilty for establishing boundaries, but it is necessary. You cannot make an adult take their medication, and although they know they should there are many reasons that they do not do so. You did what you could to get help for her.

I would encourage you to get help through the EAP (employee assistance program) at your or your husband’s work. You need counseling, you need someone objective who can help you see that your sister’s mental illness and suicide are not your fault and that you could not be held hostage your entire life to her whims.

“What if” is not a productive place to spend your time-- you will make up all sorts of fanciful outcomes where she would have done X, Y, or Z if only you had done A, B, or C. But, somewhere in the rational part of your brain you know that this isn’t true. Your sister would have/could have done any number of irrational things **despite **you remaining in your old city, letting her live with you, getting her treatment, etc, etc, etc.

Then what? You would continue to take this on yourself and continue to tell yourself that you hadn’t done enough.

Please get some professional counseling for your grief and your guilt. Seek out your pastor for a referral.
 
My heart hurts for all of you and I will pray for God’s love and peace to surround you and uplift you. One of the dimensions of mental illness is the lack of ability to truly understand what is in the mind of a mentally ill person, but when they are suicidal this is magnified so greatly. Please turn to everyone you know that you can and trust and talk your heart out. If possible seek counseling and turn this over to God, He will protect and help you. God bless all of you.

Memorare

REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.
 
Op, I am so very sorry for your loss. It is very common to feel guilt over a family member that commits suicide. It is very painful and probably something that you may have to deal with for the rest of your life. But there is hope and healing for you and I pray that maybe you can find the proper help or support group. It seems like if you connect up with others that have lost family members this way, it will help you realize that you are not alone in this type of loss. God Bless.
 
brbgrl, you have cause to be thankful that you and your husband went to such effort and generosity to help your sister.
In the end we are responsible for ourselves. Your sister is responsible for her own choice, inasmuch as she was able to be responsible for her decision to end her life.

You could find it helpful to google something like “guilt of family after suicide”, this being one resultant link:health.harvard.edu/newsletters/Harvard_Womens_Health_Watch/2009/July/Left-behind-after-suicide

I’m very sad for your loss of your sister, but please don’t allow her death to spoil your own wholeness and your joy in your life and family.

Loving Father please welcome brbgrl’s troubled sister into Your mercy at he moment of death.
Flood brbgrl and her family with healing and new hope and joy in their own lives, as they trust their beloved one into Your merciful love.
I ask this in the name of Jesus Your divine Son.
 
I am so sorry for your loss.

Eternal rest grant unto brbgrl’s sister O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon her. May she rest in peace.

It sounds like you tried to be a good sister and help her when you could. When the guilt and pain rolls in, try to remember and think about the good times you had together.
 
Your family, your mother, you and your sister are all in my prayers.
 
Your first obligation is to your husband and children. When there is a choice to be made you should always chose your family. You did the right thing.

Your sister had some deep problems which was interfering with her life as well. That poor thing. She must have been just miserable. She certainly was not in control of her life and she wasn’t thinking correctly when it happened. People are so mixed up that they do not realise what they are doing.

The church is very understanding and sypathetic toward people who have these problems. So much more insight we now have that was not available before. It would be very difficult for me to see how she could be judged very harshly since her mind was not at all what it needed to be to make a good decision.

I know that you may still feel a lingering anxiety over this. My thought for you would be to tell the good Father in confession just how you feel and then rid yourself of it for good. For once he says the words then there can be no mistake.

To me you were a good, loving, and devoted sister.

May God bless and keep you. May God’s face shine on you. May God be kind to you and give you peace.
 
You allowed your psychotic sister to live with you for a year? That’s more than I would have ever done.

No, you are NOT guilty, dear. You went above and beyond the call of duty. You sound like a good and loving person. Unfortunately, your sister’s problems were very severe. If she had a physical disease that caused her death, you would not have been guilty either, even if you hadn’t have been at her side 24/7 to make sure she complied with doctors orders!

I agree with with other posters. GET COUNSELING! It’s very common for survivors to feel guilt for the suicide of a loved one.

I’m so sorry for your loss!😦
 
While you pray for your sister, would you also please pray for the surviving Catholic wife and small children of a coworker who committed suicide last year on Good Friday, that such an important holiday to their faith not be ruined by the event.

Holidays are very hard for the depressed. So much pressure to be happy with family. Happy whatever day, a lie each time spoken, but who wants to hear the truth, that holidays are bad? Keep lying, don’t be a burden to those who have joy. Finally, release, sweet oblivion. But no, I did not want them to hurt. I just wanted my own pain to stop.

Grieve, mourn, but know it was a choice not in your control.
 
My dear sister in Christ,Your grief and sorrow, together with reflection, regret and soul searching are a natural response to the tragedy of your beloved sister’s suicide.The circumstances you describe are very typical of families trying to help, sustain and guide those with mental illness.*St Faustina to whom Our Lord revealed the immeasurable depths of Divine Mercy, mentions the many prayers and sacrifices she offered for her own sister who was suffering severe continuous depression. Faustina does not mention the outcome of her efforts, but by her prayers and spiritual sacrifices, she helped in the only way she could.Your sister’s illness could not be remedied, despite your efforts and those of *the medical and psychiatric staff.When family members suffer physical illness or disability, we can usually help in practical ways until their recovery. Limitations and expectations are usually clear in such circumstances and we do the best we can.*Mental illness, on the otherhand, cannot be ‘handled’ so precisely since none of us can predict from day to day how a patient will react to medication, and normal daily life. The patient’s moods and self image can be affected by a variety of expected and unexpected events such as seasonal changes, weather, home, work or social situations.All we can do is hope that the patient, if under treatment for his/her condition is responding and cooperative. That your sister sometimes neglected taking her medication often happens because such patients start to feel better and *think medication is no longer necessary. You are most probably aware that their decision making ability is often impaired…and when medication is discontinued original problems can resurface.Your efforts to help your sister were admirable, but, it was unrealistic that you think you could have continued with care for her in your own home, or prevented the personal crisis which she experienced at the moment she decided to take her own life.Also, your responsibility first and foremost had to be towards your own family, especially your infant children.That your sister committed suicide is a tragedy, but be aware that this may have happened if she was still living with you or with any other family members. Many people who suffer similarly, die, *by their own hand, in their place of residence often when other family members are not at home.Keep your sister in your prayers and may our Lord give you His peace. Janina M
 
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