Guilt

[truthquester]

My question is about my mother, I am a grown woman yet everytime my mother wants something from me, she using guilt trips to try and manipulate me or other people around her.
(is this one of those mortal sins)

For example, I moved away from that province in 2006 to another province for the betterment of me and my family. She has never been able to accept the fact that I am not returning, I understand she misses me but she is very persistant about it. She just piles the guilt on me all the time to the point where it is making me misrable and is starting to cause a great deal of anxiety.

She makes me feel as though I have done something terrible when I haven’t.
Am I disrespecting her for critizing her for that? She just makes me so frustrated and avoids the issue when confronted about it.

I feel that she uses guilt to try and control me and she has also done this a great deal in the past to the point where it is almost emotionally cripiling. I just don’t know what to do about it anymore. I am at a complete loss because she knows exactly how to manipulate me and I fall for it everytime, I am almost ready to cut her out of my life because of it but I love her dearly.

 

[Trishie]

My thoughts:

I guess your mother learned that manipulating others works for her, therefore continues to use it. It has been established as one of her life-tools.
It isn’t based on love and trust, even though it demands love of others.
That doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you.
If you challenge it she may possibly use it all the more forcefully to get back that power.

It’s hard, but while loving her, and making reasonable contact, you do need to cultivate a healthy detachment regarding your mother’s anger that you have moved and that you don’t respond to everything as she’s wish. It’s your right and duty to consider husband and children first, and your own mental and emotional heath for their sake and yours.

You were trained to respond to the guilt and manipulation, but need to discipline yourself to quietly ignoring the complaints, just be calm yet reasonable and kind, not engaging with her manipulations while still remaining respectful. Her behavior is her choice and basically her issue. You don’t have to make it yours though you’ve been more or less programmed to accept it as your issue also.

I just now searched “How to deal with manipulative parents” Maybe you can do the same, and find respectful but firm strategies to best manage this. You can’t change your mother, but you can work on yourself. If you fail sometimes, then try again next time.

I hope something in my reply is helpful. If not, hopefully you will receive responses that are helpful.

God bless you, your family, and your mother,
Trishie

 

[odile53]

At least you can see the behavior starting up. That’s the first step to avoid being broadsided by it.

I’d avoid confronting her about manipulative behavior, that will only get an argument going (something else she could use to try to make you feel guilty when she wants her own way about something.) Simply learn to say “no” pleasantly, politely, and with confidence when she makes requests of you that you consider unreasonable.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

…She just piles the guilt on me all the time to the point where it is making me miserable and is starting to cause a great deal of anxiety.

She makes me feel as though I have done something terrible when I haven’t.
Am I disrespecting her for criticizing her for that? She just makes me so frustrated and avoids the issue when confronted about it.

I feel that she uses guilt to try and control me and she has also done this a great deal in the past to the point where it is almost emotionally cripiling. I just don’t know what to do about it anymore. I am at a complete loss because she knows exactly how to manipulate me and I fall for it everytime, I am almost ready to cut her out of my life because of it but I love her dearly.

You need to learn to stop letting others control your emotions. You should talk to a family counselor.

 

[Christy_Beth]

I think I would be tempted to tell her that I don’t want to hear it anymore. When she brings it up (during a phone call I’m guessing), simply tell her that that has already been discussed and you won’t discuss it any further. Then if she continues, tell her you won’t listen to it, and then hang up. She might not get the message right off, but be firm. Also, get caller ID if you can and then screen your calls. Even an answering machine would help. You’ve done your best for her, now, as someone has already mentioned, it’s time to put your family first. Get counseling and help dealing with this. If there are others who live near her who are also having a problem with this (other family members) then you might want to have a little “pow wow” on how to handle this. She may just need more to do with her time.

 

[truthquester]

A little pow wow would be useless as everyone is the family seems to be conditioned to behave as though she can do no wrong. The last time I confronted her, she gave me the silent treatment and got everyone in the family to do the same. Even my own grandfather didn’t speak to me for two weeks and what I confronted her on was not anything unusual. I just told her how I felt about something that she was doing, didn’t use any fowl language, didn’t call her any dirty names, didn’t do any mudslinging or hit below the belt. I just got mad at her.

The silent treatment went on until everyone just forgot about it and it was swept under the rug and never spoken about again. I have been to a counsler for myself, but it’s very frustrating to deal with issues that involve poeple that won’t admit anything is wrong, then on my own, it’s like trying to play a 3 man band by myself. I have learned a lot about boundaries which has helped a great deal. I don’t like the feeling of being isolated and guiltly when I haven’t done anything to deserve it.

It’s so hard to try and hold on to a relationship with her but I don’t want to walk away.

 

[Izdaari]

I don’t much believe in guilt, at least after it has led to repentance. And once Christ has forgiven me, how dare I not forgive myself? I think it would be mighty presumptuous of me to put my opinion above His.

 

[Sam_777]

I moved away from that province in 2006 to another province for the betterment of me and my family. She has never been able to accept the fact that I am not returning, I understand she misses me but she is very persistant about it.

Maybe she is missing you, so maybe you could Invite her to live with your in your province and see her feedback.

 

[agnes_therese]

“I’m sorry you feel that way, Mom,” followed by an immediate change of subject.

Repeat as needed.

 

[gmarie21]

I don’t much believe in guilt, at least after it has led to repentance. And once Christ has forgiven me, how dare I not forgive myself? I think it would be mighty presumptuous of me to put my opinion above His.

I agree. One thing I read (I think it was Archbishop Sheen) that no one can make another feel guilty. Guilt comes from violating one’s conscience. So you need to ask yourself, do you really feel guilt because you have done something that has violated your (hopefully well-formed) conscience or are you just tired of the manipulative games? One requires soul searching and fundamental changes of yourself, the other requires changes only you can make but those changes are called boundaries, they are not fundamental changes to get in line with your conscience.

 

[VivienneJ]

A little pow wow would be useless as everyone is the family seems to be conditioned to behave as though she can do no wrong. The last time I confronted her, she gave me the silent treatment and got everyone in the family to do the same. Even my own grandfather didn’t speak to me for two weeks and what I confronted her on was not anything unusual. I just told her how I felt about something that she was doing, didn’t use any fowl language, didn’t call her any dirty names, didn’t do any mudslinging or hit below the belt. I just got mad at her.

The silent treatment went on until everyone just forgot about it and it was swept under the rug and never spoken about again. I have been to a counsler for myself, but it’s very frustrating to deal with issues that involve poeple that won’t admit anything is wrong, then on my own, it’s like trying to play a 3 man band by myself. I have learned a lot about boundaries which has helped a great deal. I don’t like the feeling of being isolated and guiltly when I haven’t done anything to deserve it.

It’s so hard to try and hold on to a relationship with her but I don’t want to walk away.

Truthquester, I had a similar mom. I had to come to terms with the fact that I didn’t have the “Hallmark card” mother and never would have. The “mother” she showed me was not the one she showed to others; her God-daughters and my cousins knew another person. In counselling I came to accept that I would never have the relationship with her that I wanted, and that was when freedom came to me.

Accept that she won’t (maybe can’t) change, recognise manipulation for what it is and ignore it.

I came to a point where I mourned my idea of a “mother-relationship” and thought of my mother as more or an aunt, which made it much easier for me to deal with her. And I learned to keep my mouth shut to those who had no way of understanding what I had to deal with. Even now 18 years after her physical death, I just smile and allow others their memories of her.

 

[truthquester]

Truthquester, I had a similar mom. I had to come to terms with the fact that I didn’t have the “Hallmark card” mother and never would have. The “mother” she showed me was not the one she showed to others; her God-daughters and my cousins knew another person. In counselling I came to accept that I would never have the relationship with her that I wanted, and that was when freedom came to me.

Accept that she won’t (maybe can’t) change, recognise manipulation for what it is and ignore it.

I came to a point where I mourned my idea of a “mother-relationship” and thought of my mother as more or an aunt, which made it much easier for me to deal with her. And I learned to keep my mouth shut to those who had no way of understanding what I had to deal with. Even now 18 years after her physical death, I just smile and allow others their memories of her.

That sounds like you did the right thing. She sounds like she may have had a lot in common with mine. I’ll try that and see how it goes.

 

[VivienneJ]

That sounds like you did the right thing. She sounds like she may have had a lot in common with mine. I’ll try that and see how it goes.

I reached a point where I realised that I owed my own two daughters and my husband more than they were getting when I was sucked into the drama.

The steps were drastic, but highly necessary for my survival. I pray that you get the peace you deserve.

 

[truthquester]

My thoughts:

I guess your mother learned that manipulating others works for her, therefore continues to use it. It has been established as one of her life-tools.
It isn’t based on love and trust, even though it demands love of others.
That doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you.
If you challenge it she may possibly use it all the more forcefully to get back that power.

It’s hard, but while loving her, and making reasonable contact, you do need to cultivate a healthy detachment regarding your mother’s anger that you have moved and that you don’t respond to everything as she’s wish. It’s your right and duty to consider husband and children first, and your own mental and emotional heath for their sake and yours.

You were trained to respond to the guilt and manipulation, but need to discipline yourself to quietly ignoring the complaints, just be calm yet reasonable and kind, not engaging with her manipulations while still remaining respectful. Her behavior is her choice and basically her issue. You don’t have to make it yours though you’ve been more or less programmed to accept it as your issue also.

I just now searched “How to deal with manipulative parents” Maybe you can do the same, and find respectful but firm strategies to best manage this. You can’t change your mother, but you can work on yourself. If you fail sometimes, then try again next time.

I hope something in my reply is helpful. If not, hopefully you will receive responses that are helpful.

God bless you, your family, and your mother,
Trishie

Sounds like sound advice to me.

 

[truthquester]

I reached a point where I realised that I owed my own two daughters and my husband more than they were getting when I was sucked into the drama.

   That makes so much sense.

The steps were drastic, but highly necessary for my survival. I pray that you get the peace you deserve.

Thank you for that

I’m still working on it. I called her tonight and kept the conversation to less than 5 minutes and it felt great to hear her voice, know she’s ok and not give her enough time to get into the “when are you coming home” speech that always creeps in, she didn’t even have time to hint at it. That way, the phone call left me with no lingering guilt or resentment. I just hope I didn’t come off as rude.

 

[truthquester]

My thoughts:

I guess your mother learned that manipulating others works for her, therefore continues to use it. It has been established as one of her life-tools.
It isn’t based on love and trust, even though it demands love of others.
That doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you.
If you challenge it she may possibly use it all the more forcefully to get back that power.

It’s hard, but while loving her, and making reasonable contact, you do need to cultivate a healthy detachment regarding your mother’s anger that you have moved and that you don’t respond to everything as she’s wish. It’s your right and duty to consider husband and children first, and your own mental and emotional heath for their sake and yours.

You were trained to respond to the guilt and manipulation, but need to discipline yourself to quietly ignoring the complaints, just be calm yet reasonable and kind, not engaging with her manipulations while still remaining respectful. Her behavior is her choice and basically her issue. You don’t have to make it yours though you’ve been more or less programmed to accept it as your issue also.

I just now searched “How to deal with manipulative parents” Maybe you can do the same, and find respectful but firm strategies to best manage this. You can’t change your mother, but you can work on yourself. If you fail sometimes, then try again next time.

I hope something in my reply is helpful. If not, hopefully you will receive responses that are helpful.

God bless you, your family, and your mother,
Trishie

Your response has also been very helpful. It makes a lot of sense and helps me to put things in perspective

 

[truthquester]

Maybe she is missing you, so maybe you could Invite her to live with your in your province and see her feedback.

I offered to pay her way up here for a 2 week vacation three years ago and she just couldn’t seem to find the time seeing as how everybody needs her so much, like the place would just fall apart if she were to leave lol.

 

[truthquester]

I agree. One thing I read (I think it was Archbishop Sheen) that no one can make another feel guilty. Guilt comes from violating one’s conscience. So you need to ask yourself, do you really feel guilt because you have done something that has violated your (hopefully well-formed) conscience or are you just tired of the manipulative games? One requires soul searching and fundamental changes of yourself, the other requires changes only you can make but those changes are called boundaries, they are not fundamental changes to get in line with your conscience.

I am a very soft hearted person, I’m the type who feels guilty about things that I’m not even responsible for. It is very easy for someone who knows me so well to take advantage of that. She also told me from a very early age that I had to always listen to her, even when grown up, or I would be breaking one of the 10 commandments. It may not sound like a big deal to most, but when that type of thing is put into a persons head as a child it is hard to break. My logical brain tells me I shouldn’t feel guilty, I’ve done nothing wrong but some kind of brainwashing kicks in to over ride that thought. Maybe in a perfect world Archbishop Sheen would be correct, but not in this one.

 

[VivienneJ]

One thing I read (I think it was Archbishop Sheen) that no one can make another feel guilty.

I had a quick look and can’t find anything like this attributed to Archbishop Sheen, however I’m not saying he didn’t say it. Usually it looks like this: ‘No one can make you feel guilty unless you allow it/give them permission’. Which is true, to an extent, like many others. (Don’t get me started on ‘forgive and forget’!) But know that

when that type of thing is put into a persons head as a child it is hard to break. My logical brain tells me I shouldn’t feel guilty, I’ve done nothing wrong but some kind of brainwashing kicks in to over ride that thought. Maybe in a perfect world Archbishop Sheen would be correct, but not in this one.

What has been drummed into your brain as a child hangs around as a little voice that repeats the stuff that your adult self knows is not true, but it is still there.

 

[gmarie21]

I am a very soft hearted person, I’m the type who feels guilty about things that I’m not even responsible for. It is very easy for someone who knows me so well to take advantage of that. She also told me from a very early age that I had to always listen to her, even when grown up, or I would be breaking one of the 10 commandments. It may not sound like a big deal to most, but when that type of thing is put into a persons head as a child it is hard to break. My logical brain tells me I shouldn’t feel guilty, I’ve done nothing wrong but some kind of brainwashing kicks in to over ride that thought. Maybe in a perfect world Archbishop Sheen would be correct, but not in this one.

Oh, I completely understand. I had a dad who would guilt trip, a mom who would guilt trip (with tears), etc. and it took me many years to stand up for myself and not feel guilty. However, the wisdom in the Church helped me the most. It isn’t an easy road, but once you do let go, the freedom feeling is so beautiful. Now, my relationship with my parents is one of respect and lacks any form of manipulation. I can say “no” to them and they no longer beg, plead, ignore, etc. They just accept it and move on. It was difficult at first, but now that we’re past the growing pains of it all things are so much more healthy.