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rayne89
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Ok guys when your upset, peeved, angry ect. what kind of response would you like from your women?
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space_ghost
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rayne89
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I hope your taking about the baked kind!:tsktsk:
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space_ghost
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…of course!..I hope your taking about the baked kind!:tsktsk:
see the pie… shhhhhh… man, try to be subtle…
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rayne89
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Ok for the unmarried guys or ones practicing NFP any alternatives?
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space_ghost
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for the single guys???
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rayne89
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The reason why I posted this question is that it came up on another thread. I know some well meaning women (I was one of them) think that if a man doesn’t want to talk it is some kind of rejection. That their communication skills are poor or that their man doesn’t trust them enough to open up to them. Thoughts guys?
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Hermione
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Dear Rayne,
I thought I’d reply here because you mentioned wanting to make a new thread!
I guess it depends on the type of person your husband is. And I’m not going to flat out deny that most guys might lean in a certain direction that’s different from most girls.
I completely agree that men and women are not the same, that we have differences in thoughts, feelings, roles in life and much more. At the same time I think society is very unfair to both guys and girls. Guys specifically are denied emotions. You can’t argue with me when I say that among guys themselves feelings are like the plague. And should a guy express feelings to another guy he will likely be ridiculed, called homosexual and what not. For this reason I think many guys really NEED us to help them to open up their feelings. I just asked my fiance, who is beside me, and he said that the only place a guy feels safe sharing feelings is with his wife!
I also watched a Discovery program about boys, violence among boys, ADD, etc. And a lot of it focused on how boys are lonely because they don’t develop close relationships with other males for social reasons! This is unfair to our boys because it takes away from their life experience! The people on Discovery also said that it takes a while - a long while - for a boy to learn to trust, and get comfortable with his feelings and with sharing them.
I guess from my perspective, and I’m talking to my fiance right now as I am writing this, it would be very unkind to walk away from a person who is feeling sad. My fiance says he’d feel hurt if I just walked away from him, he says that he would like me to push him and ask him about his feelings because it would make him feel cared for! And moreover, if he wanted space or time to think, he would tell me. Although, he also says that it’s very unlikely that he’d ever want space, especially when he’s feeling down. I guess I am with a very special guy
And I don’t have a girly guy!
He’s my guide and protector, and always takes the leadership role in our relationship.
My fiance also says that there are times when he is tempted to withdraw and go be all by himself, but he says that he really appreciates how warm and comforting I am in those times. Emotional withdrawal really hurts him, he says. (Both when he does it, and when I do it.)
I really don’t think guys are that much different from us as far as needing affection goes! I think both men and women engage in emotional withdrawal sometimes when they are upset, but this just doesn’t seem like the most effective way to deal with problems. Also, I think both men and women require warmth and gentleness, especially when they begin withdrawing. And women withdraw quite a bit as well! You know that common story about the woman who says “nothing” is wrong when everything is wrong? Both men and women do this! Men need warmth too!
I made a poll on this very board, and most guys said they wanted a wife who is affectionate!!!
I thought I’d reply here because you mentioned wanting to make a new thread!
I guess it depends on the type of person your husband is. And I’m not going to flat out deny that most guys might lean in a certain direction that’s different from most girls.
I completely agree that men and women are not the same, that we have differences in thoughts, feelings, roles in life and much more. At the same time I think society is very unfair to both guys and girls. Guys specifically are denied emotions. You can’t argue with me when I say that among guys themselves feelings are like the plague. And should a guy express feelings to another guy he will likely be ridiculed, called homosexual and what not. For this reason I think many guys really NEED us to help them to open up their feelings. I just asked my fiance, who is beside me, and he said that the only place a guy feels safe sharing feelings is with his wife!
I also watched a Discovery program about boys, violence among boys, ADD, etc. And a lot of it focused on how boys are lonely because they don’t develop close relationships with other males for social reasons! This is unfair to our boys because it takes away from their life experience! The people on Discovery also said that it takes a while - a long while - for a boy to learn to trust, and get comfortable with his feelings and with sharing them.
I guess from my perspective, and I’m talking to my fiance right now as I am writing this, it would be very unkind to walk away from a person who is feeling sad. My fiance says he’d feel hurt if I just walked away from him, he says that he would like me to push him and ask him about his feelings because it would make him feel cared for! And moreover, if he wanted space or time to think, he would tell me. Although, he also says that it’s very unlikely that he’d ever want space, especially when he’s feeling down. I guess I am with a very special guy
And I don’t have a girly guy!
He’s my guide and protector, and always takes the leadership role in our relationship.My fiance also says that there are times when he is tempted to withdraw and go be all by himself, but he says that he really appreciates how warm and comforting I am in those times. Emotional withdrawal really hurts him, he says. (Both when he does it, and when I do it.)
I really don’t think guys are that much different from us as far as needing affection goes! I think both men and women engage in emotional withdrawal sometimes when they are upset, but this just doesn’t seem like the most effective way to deal with problems. Also, I think both men and women require warmth and gentleness, especially when they begin withdrawing. And women withdraw quite a bit as well! You know that common story about the woman who says “nothing” is wrong when everything is wrong? Both men and women do this! Men need warmth too!
I made a poll on this very board, and most guys said they wanted a wife who is affectionate!!!
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rayne89
Guest
Hermione if I would have been asked this question a year or two into my marriage, my responses would have mirrored yours. I used to think it was my job to help my husband open up.
I let my hubby read your posts on this (please don’t be offended or hurt) but he was just cracking up. I used to be that way too - that’s why it’s funny. I know your being sincere and I appreciate that.
*You can’t argue with me when I say that among guys themselves feelings are like the plague. *Nope I won’t argue with that, it’s true.
*Although, he also says that it’s very unlikely that he’d ever want space, especially when he’s feeling down. *My husband would bet money that this will change, you guys aren’t living togther right? Your guy could be different than most (I did say generally speaking). What I was trying to say is that because a guy does not feel like talking that does not mean you have a bad relationship, or poor communication, what it means is your guy doesn’t feel like talking. And forcing it is being unfair and disrespects the differences between men and women.
*and most guys said they wanted a wife who is affectionate!!! *I am a very affectionate person. I kiss my husband all the time, we snuggle, we hug, we tickle, we play fight, and we’ve been married for 14 years. I just know forcing affection on my husband when he doesn’t want it isn’t helping him, it isn’t respecting who he is - it’s me trying to make him into who I think he should be.
My husband actually talks to me much more now than when I used to try to make him talk to me. And he is a very special guy.
I let my hubby read your posts on this (please don’t be offended or hurt) but he was just cracking up. I used to be that way too - that’s why it’s funny. I know your being sincere and I appreciate that.
*You can’t argue with me when I say that among guys themselves feelings are like the plague. *Nope I won’t argue with that, it’s true.
- And should a guy express feelings to another guy he will likely be ridiculed, called homosexual and what not. *That depends, a guy who has a bestfriend usually can express feelings but not to the group of guys at work.
*Although, he also says that it’s very unlikely that he’d ever want space, especially when he’s feeling down. *My husband would bet money that this will change, you guys aren’t living togther right? Your guy could be different than most (I did say generally speaking). What I was trying to say is that because a guy does not feel like talking that does not mean you have a bad relationship, or poor communication, what it means is your guy doesn’t feel like talking. And forcing it is being unfair and disrespects the differences between men and women.
*and most guys said they wanted a wife who is affectionate!!! *I am a very affectionate person. I kiss my husband all the time, we snuggle, we hug, we tickle, we play fight, and we’ve been married for 14 years. I just know forcing affection on my husband when he doesn’t want it isn’t helping him, it isn’t respecting who he is - it’s me trying to make him into who I think he should be.
My husband actually talks to me much more now than when I used to try to make him talk to me. And he is a very special guy.
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sweetchuck
Guest
Depends on what the emotions are and to whom they are directed.
If it’s toward the woman for something she did that was wrong, apologize and don’t try to blame the actions on something else.
If it’s my anger is projected because of something I did wrong, but I’m being stupid, don’t instigate and put me on the defensive or provoke a fight or hold it over me. Calmly give me plenty of time, as a rational human, to come to understand my own stupidity and apologize. Then be like God and forget about the things I do wrong (as I would try to do for a woman).
I don’t expect my hypothetical woman to take my side when I’m wrong about someone else simply out of loyalty. But I do expect her to be loyal and try to understand me and not take sides with others in confrontations with me. (as I would do likewise unto her). Nor do I expect her to take my side when I’m wrong.
Here’s the thing, when a sincere “I’m sorry” comes out, I should be forgiven. Granted, sometimes actions change things, and “I’m sorry” doesn’t mean that things go back to the way things were. But it drives me utterly insane when you say you’re sorry to a woman and they continue their diatribe against you.
Oh, and I hate it when they try to read my thoughts or interpret some sort of cryptic (but nonexistant) meaning into a comment I made. So don’t do that. Men are not cryptic. Men appreciate things such as logic and face value.
Remember, if you think there’s a hidden meaning, (and usually there isn’t) and you ask, “Now what the hell is that supposed to mean,” it is a virtual certainty that a fight will ensue.
And most of all, if I’m upset or something, this hypothetical woman should understand and respect when I do not want to talk about something. If you ask a guy what he wants, he will tell you. And it’s good to ask.
See how complex men are? (but we’re still not as complicated as you ladies are)
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Bill_Buck
Guest
If I am mad and I am not talking that means I am really angry and I am counting to ten very slowly…
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misericordie
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I would like her to not argue, not bicker. I would like her to hold my hand, and be kind, and we can sit down and talk, athen spend the whole evening loving each other.
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rayne89
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Well there are exceptions to every rule.
Thanks for your honsety misericordie!
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AlanFromWichita
Guest
Ask me if you aren’t sure.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“NO”
“OK, honey, well I’ll be here for you if you change your mind.”
**end of conversation, for the moment.
Note: not wanting to talk might be a sign of rejection, but the chances are very slim. Usually it means he just needs to run his anger script and it runs best if left alone.
Luckily I don’t get mad very often anymore. Suddenly depressed sometimes, but hardly ever angry. When someone is upset and the problem they have isn’t with me, a psychologist I used to visit for assertiveness training once recommended that you make it clear you are there for them, then let the other person take the lead.
Alan
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shannon_e
Guest
Guys,
Great (name removed by moderator)ut!
sweetchuck:
The other side of that coin is: Woman are nuanced. We women are the epitome of nuance.
I don’t think guys can quite fit their brains around that one, and I guess maybe we have a hard time seeing things so cut and dried as you guys are able to…?
Peace.
Great (name removed by moderator)ut!
I just have to say:
The other side of that coin is: Woman are nuanced.
We women are the epitome of nuance.I don’t think guys can quite fit their brains around that one, and I guess maybe we have a hard time seeing things so cut and dried as you guys are able to…?
Peace.
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rayne89
Guest
Thanks guys for all your (name removed by moderator)ut. I’m surprised more didn’t post their opinion. It’s a perfect chance to give the ladies a heads up on a mans perspective.
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sweetchuck
Guest
I think they didn’t chime in because my post pretty much was all-encompassing and will do much to bridge the gender gap for centuries to come.
If anyone would like to send me a thank you, email me and I will give you my address.
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sweetchuck
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… or maybe it was space ghost’s first post. hmmmmm 
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wabrams
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My fiance knows that when my blood is up, no matter what it is about, to just let me be. She waits for me to come to her and talk when I’ve settled down.
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rayne89
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I appreciate your generous contribution to the increase in marital harmony.I think they didn’t chime in because my post pretty much was all-encompassing and will do much to bridge the gender gap for centuries to come.
If anyone would like to send me a thank you, email me and I will give you my address.
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