Guys Night Out for a Married Man?

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Happily married couple here with 6 children. My question is about “guys night out.” Every once in a while my husband will get a hankering to go out with the guys and talk/drink beer, usually at a sports bar. His friends are also married Catholics. I started out by assuming all would be ok, but over the years, there have been worrisome incidents.

The last three times he went out the following occurred:

(a) he went off the road and dented the front of his car
(b) he was unreachable by phone and finally came home at 4 in the morning
(c) he never came home and his friend found him sleeping in his vehicle the next morning in a parking lot

This week he mentioned going out again. I feel like it’s finally time to say “I don’t think it’s a good idea given your track record.” Am I justified? If so, I need help with ways to say this to my husband, in a gentle and respectful manner.
 
I’m a man and I find the examples a bit concerning.

Nights out can be completely healthy, but it sounds like he’s been irresponsible in these instances. Was dent fender due to impairment from alcohol? Is his not checking in with you due to alcohol? I am not opposed to social drinking but he cannot drink and drive, and you deserve some kind of heads up if he’s staying out well past the expected time.

Apologies if I’m over-concerned about the alcohol, but the examples you gave all are commonly due to over-consumption of alcohol.
 
Havard said:
I’m a man and I find the examples a bit concerning.

Nights out can be completely healthy, but it sounds like he’s been irresponsible in these instances. Was dent fender due to impairment from alcohol? Is his not checking in with you due to alcohol? I am not opposed to social drinking but he cannot drink and drive, and you deserve some kind of heads up if he’s staying out well past the expected time.

Apologies if I’m over-concerned about the alcohol, but the examples you gave all are commonly due to over-consumption of alcohol.
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Yes, on all three occasions it was from having too much. He wasn’t falling down drunk but his judgment was definitely impaired, by his own admission.

On the occasions when he goes out at night, he never checks in and rarely answers his cell phone.
 
Guys nights out are good. Men need to spend some time with friends and unwind. Too many adult men find themselves socially isolated and it can fuel depression. Friends are important to men, even if we are usually less vocal about the need for friendships.

But he should not be driving to such nights - period. Factor in money for a cab home at the end of the night.

The issue of how late he returns home (if at all), is more complex to work through. I do not suggest setting a curfew as such for an adult, but it is reasonable to have an expectation of when he will return home, and a call/message if he is staying out later. Try to make it a positive thing, rather than negative - ie make it about how you worry about him when he is out late and especially if he doesn’t come home. Tell him that a phone call to let you know he is OK is appreciated (and his expected revised return time).

I would also suggest that not coming home at all should be agreed as unacceptable. Not so much as a matter of trust, but in terms of his example to the children. I’m sure they must be as concerned and confused as you are if he does not return home.
 
In every other way, from what you describe, a guys night out sounds like a good thing! Except, I don’t think it’s a good idea, given his track record. :sad_yes: …Consequences, consequences…
 
Intoxication isn’t necessarily a mortal sin, but if it’s more than a one-off event, it probably is. It’s one thing to try to exercise temperance and occasionally fall, but if he keeps falling he needs to stop drinking and figure out what’s going on. It could be apathy, or self-control issues, or perhaps he’s an alcoholic.

As underacloud said, he needs to take a cab if he’s impaired, and he needs to keep you in the loop about when you can expect him.
 
I’m a guy too and have guys nights out about once ever couple of months, but it’s dinner in a restaurant with 3 flying buddies. Yes we’ll have a modest amount of beer or wine but the max I’ve ever had was three glasses over 4 hours which is well under the local driving limits. We’re usually home by 9:30 or 10 pm; we’re all early to bed, early to rise types. I get home later after choir practice which is an hour away and finishes at about 10:15-10:30 pm 😃

It does sound like your husband is having too much to drink. Dinging the car is a bad omen, so too is falling asleep. It would be bad enough if he ended up with a DUI, even worse if he had a serious accident. Perhaps a heart-to-heart chat is called for. I’d suggest driving him but I see you have 6 kids so the logistics would be impossible. He needs to take responsibility. It wouldn’t be fair to your kids to have them lose their dad over this.
 
Another wife here.

As other posters have said, nothing wrong with a “guys’ night”–per se. DH has them every couple of months with some friends. I have no problem at all with this; in fact, I encourage him to take this time, just as he encourages me to go to dinner with some friends every so often. We’re both better people and spouses when we get a bit of downtime with some friends.

As other posters also have said, though, this going incommunicado plus the driving stuff would have me putting my foot down pretty darn fast. DH might go to a loud sports bar to watch the game, but he’ll have his phone in his pocket on “vibrate” so he’ll feel if I call, and he’ll check every once in a while anyway. (If it were an emergency, he’d also have no problem with my calling one of his friends and asking him to pass the phone to DH.) That kind of thing is Not Okay, and you have good reason to be concerned.

He’s an adult, and he should act that way. Getting sufficiently drunk that he can’t drive well plus not making other arrangements is immature. Leaving aside anything else, does he really want his life savings wiped out when, God forbid, he injures someone while driving under the influence and they bring a civil suit? (Obviously their injuries would be more worrisome than financial penalties, but I’m sure you see my point here.) A $50 taxi ride or $10 for gas for the evening’s designated driver is a lot less than even an hour’s consultation with a lawyer.
 
My husband does guys’ night out occasionally, but no way does he drink that much, and neither do his friends. I think you are well within bounds to say, “No, you drink too much and exhibit poor judgment when you go out with these guys alone.”

Maybe they could all get together at your place for an afternoon? “March Madness” starts up soon. Wives and children could come and do something else in a different part of the house, while the guys hang out together? We’ve done things like that before.
 
Wow, thank you for all the (name removed by moderator)ut, everyone.

I did suggest just today an alternate plan - could we go out as a couple on St Patrick’s or maybe have all his friends over here at our house for drinks. His answer was a nice but firm, “no, I just really want to go out with the guys alone.”

So…I guess I still need help on how to talk with him when he comes home tonight. I love this man and don’t want to discourage him, yet he really needs to come face to face with his tendency to drink too much and then be careless and thoughtless. I agree that he’s been very lucky (so far) that there haven’t been worse consequences.
 
If this were my husband, we would’ve already talked about it back when he went off the road and damaged his car. He could have killed someone, and I would have had no reservations telling him how I felt about it.

None of these things would be okay with me. You have six children, and he gets to stay out, not answer his phone, and then come home at 4am? And then stay out all night? Yes, you are certainly justified in saying something to him.

I’d probably say something like “I know how important it is for you to go out with your friends, but what has been happening lately is not okay with me. I am worried about how much you are drinking when you are out. I want you to still be able to spend time with your friends, so can we talk about some expectations about communication and expected times to return, and how much is reasonable for you to drink?”

When my husband goes out, he tells me around when he thinks he will be home. If he is going to be out later than that, he will text me to let me know. I do not call him and bother him while he’s out, but I do have expectations, especially now that we have a baby, that he tell me where he is going to be and approximately how long he will be gone. I think that’s reasonable and he is always responsible.
 
as a man, I think night outs are good.

But it sounds like your husband might have a alcohol problem.
 
Lorelei12 said:
If this were my husband, we would’ve already talked about it back when he went off the road and damaged his car. He could have killed someone, and I would have had no reservations telling him how I felt about it.
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At the time of those incidents…we did talk. In fact, I didn’t even really have to say much. He was shaken up and said “never again.” But as time goes by…he tends to forget and gloss things over. He’s very sanguine and optimistic.

What I’ve never actually done is what I feel like I need to do tonight: say that these types of guy nights are not acceptable, ever, again.
 
Am I justified? If so, I need help with ways to say this to my husband, in a gentle and respectful manner.
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Yes, you are more than justified. I wouldn’t let him go out again without laying down some basic ground rules and expectations:

1.) First, he needs to be accessible. That means the cell phone stays turned on. He has to answer calls in an emergency. By the same token, you have to agree to give him space and not call him unless it is an absolute emergency.

2.) Second, he has to be home at a reasonable hour. Trudging in at 4 AM is not acceptable, and neither is sleeping in his car to all hours of the night. 11 AM, perhaps, but certainly not past midnight. This gives him 3-4 hours out with the guys to enjoy some guy time. (To make it worth his while, tell him that you will have a “romantic” surprise for him when he comes home earlier - And then be sure to follow through on that promise.)

3.) Moderate drinking is acceptable, but he cannot get drunk and he definitely cannot drink and drive under any circumstances. Arrange a taxi or designated driver for him, and pay for it yourself.

If he didn’t agree with any of these ground rules, I would encourage that you both go and speak with a priest. If he refuses to meet with a priest, then you have much larger issues at that point.

What he is doing is dangerous to his health, dangerous to your marriage, and certainly dangerous to the family as a whole.

How exactly you deliver the message would be at your discretion. Certainly, you want to be polite, tactful, but firm. But, throw in some romance and flavor as well. Give him an incentive to come home safe, sound, and sober.

It’s more important that the communication is clear and concise, and that he gets the message loud and clear. I wouldn’t necessarily lay down the hammer, but I definitely wouldn’t let him get away with breaking any of the ground rules either. His behavior is completely unacceptable for a grown adult male, especially one that is married with children.
His answer was a nice but firm, “no, I just really want to go out with the guys alone.”
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The tone of his response is not healthy. You need to add some spice and romance to the conversation.
 
littlefield said:
Happily married couple here with 6 children. My question is about “guys night out.” Every once in a while my husband will get a hankering to go out with the guys and talk/drink beer, usually at a sports bar. His friends are also married Catholics. I started out by assuming all would be ok, but over the years, there have been worrisome incidents.

The last three times he went out the following occurred:

(a) he went off the road and dented the front of his car
(b) he was unreachable by phone and finally came home at 4 in the morning
(c) he never came home and his friend found him sleeping in his vehicle the next morning in a parking lot

This week he mentioned going out again. I feel like it’s finally time to say “I don’t think it’s a good idea given your track record.” Am I justified? If so, I need help with ways to say this to my husband, in a gentle and respectful manner.
Click to expand...
These things happened back to back to back weeks? You are beyond warning signs. Your husband has a drinking problem. Talk to your pastor, your parents, or his parents (some one in real life, not a internet forum) before you talk to him. He will end up in jail and/or hurting someone if the behavior doesn’t change.
 
If nothing else, the driving ABSOLUTELY 100% MUST be out. In this day and age, all of us are very familiar with the stats. There is no reason why anyone should go out drinking and plan to drive home afterwards. As a man, I have always taken public transit or taxis home after drinking with guy friends and I don’t understand why these options are so intimidating for some people. The safety and legality factor aside, isn’t it more relaxing knowing you don’t have to drive at the end of the night? I just don’t get it. I suppose I’ve been blessed to live in cities with excellent transit, but if you’re only going out once in a blue moon a taxi should be feasible.
 
I think the key thing to look at here is the rapid change in behavior. The OP stated he has done this for years but all of a sudden in the last three weeks problem behavior is rapidly surfacing. This is very serious and there is no time use euphemisms or mince words.
 
Someone please correct me, but being intoxicated is grave matter, which means it is swiftly on the way to mortal sin if not already there.

Thoughts?
 
JamalChristophr said:
Someone please correct me, but being intoxicated is grave matter, which means it is swiftly on the way to mortal sin if not already there.

Thoughts?
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It depends…

Being so drunk as to lose the faculty of reason and potentially endanger yourself and others is considered grave matter. If done knowingly and deliberately (ie setting out from the start to get that drunk), yes it could/would be mortal sin.

But there’s a scale of intoxication and many levels before the above. One could have a few drinks and know they are not capable to drive, but still not be so drunk as to lose the faculty of reason. Or one could be a little tispy after a couple of glasses; again, not really drunk and not endangering anyone.

I don’t think we can say that because the OP’s husband is too intoxicated to drive that’s he’s thereby so drunk as to meet the requirements for grave matter, let alone personal mortal sin.

The drink-driving is far more troubling here than the drinking itself. One can have a few drinks with friends without it being sinful per se.
 
littlefield said:
Happily married couple here with 6 children.

The last three times he went out the following occurred:

(a) he went off the road and dented the front of his car
(b) he was unreachable by phone and finally came home at 4 in the morning
(c) he never came home and his friend found him sleeping in his vehicle the next morning in a parking lot

This week he mentioned going out again. I feel like it’s finally time to say “I don’t think it’s a good idea given your track record.” Am I justified?
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You are absolutely justified.

This is very irresponsible behavior for a father of 6 children. He is never free to be so intoxicated he could not function if you or your children needed him.

The fact that he doesn’t or is incapable of answering his phone, driving a car safely or making it home are all signs that he is also only thinking of himself, not his family.

Sounds like he is trying to escape for a while. Nothing wrong with that, but it is how far away he escapes from his family that is the real problem.
 
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