Guys Night Out for a Married Man?

[WillyAL]

Happily married couple here with 6 children. My question is about “guys night out.”…

Another man here. I also agree that nights out with male friends can be both therapeutic and fun for a hard working guy, but it sounds like your DH has a problem with alcohol. Getting charged with drunken driving is an expensive proposition. Between fines, attorney fees, and insurance premiums that go through the roof, you may find your monthly budget pinched a bit. If, heaven forbid, he would injure or kill someone, you and your six kids may find yourselves living in a two bedroom apartment while DH serves out his prison term. He sounds likes an otherwise reasonable guy. Hopefully reasonable enough to arrange for alternate transportation.

 

[captainrick]

I’m glad I outgrew the “guys’ night out” stuff in my 20’s. Now If I want to drink and watch TV I invite a couple of friends over.

 

[littlefield]

These things happened back to back to back weeks? You are beyond warning signs. Your husband has a drinking problem.

Not back to back in close proximity. Maybe 6 months between incidents. And he only drinks to excess when he’s gone out like this. At home he might have 1 beer, sometimes none, after work. This Lent he’s actually given it up completely; St Paddy’s was going to be an exception b/c it’s a special feast day.

He’s not an alcoholic, I’m pretty sure of that. The problem is the way he overdoes it when out with the guys.

 

[littlefield]

He sounds likes an otherwise reasonable guy. Hopefully reasonable enough to arrange for alternate transportation.

I will definitely suggest the idea of alternate transportation.

But there are still the issues of accessibility and late hours, which I agree also must be addressed.

 

[pensmama87]

Do the guys he hangs out with drink similarly? Do you know them personally and their families? You could be working with a kind of mob mentality where everybody is getting swept up in bad behavior and nobody wants to feel like a wet blanket.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I believe guys’ nights out can be a good thing depending on the activities, and coming home at 4:00 AM isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The last couple times I went out with one of my closest friends, one time I came home between 4:30-5:00 AM, the other time I stayed there. On each occasion we hadn’t seen each other in a very long time and we spent the night talking and listening to music.

The drinking is a huge red light to me, especially when an accident and/or passing out is involved. I have lots of friends who said, “never again.” A couple went as long as a year between incidents. A couple died. Drinking like that, especially when driving, is never acceptable.

 

[truetofaith]

Not back to back in close proximity. Maybe 6 months between incidents. And he only drinks to excess when he’s gone out like this. At home he might have 1 beer, sometimes none, after work. This Lent he’s actually given it up completely; St Paddy’s was going to be an exception b/c it’s a special feast day.

He’s not an alcoholic, I’m pretty sure of that. The problem is the way he overdoes it when out with the guys.

A person has “a drinking problem,” if every day he has a few drinks & is affected by it. With several months between getting tipsy with the ‘guys’ , would mean he doesn’t have the control of himself at these get togethers. Especially, if he must drive home.

 

[littlefield]

I think the key thing to look at here is the rapid change in behavior. The OP stated he has done this for years but all of a sudden in the last three weeks problem behavior is rapidly surfacing. This is very serious and there is no time use euphemisms or mince words.

I’m sorry for being unclear in the first post but those 3 incidents didn’t happen in a series of weeks. They were maybe 6 months or more apart. He has gone out occasionally in between those incidents and on those occasions it was simply the problems of not calling/not answering phone and getting in way too late (2 or 3 am).

 

[underacloud]

Not back to back in close proximity. Maybe 6 months between incidents. And he only drinks to excess when he’s gone out like this. At home he might have 1 beer, sometimes none, after work. This Lent he’s actually given it up completely; St Paddy’s was going to be an exception b/c it’s a special feast day.

He’s not an alcoholic, I’m pretty sure of that. The problem is the way he overdoes it when out with the guys.

If he doesn’t drink much at home, there could certainly be a tolerance issue here. It may not take too many drinks on a night like this to affect him. Someone who is used to just 1 beer a night could be hit hard by a few beers.

I’m not of course suggesting he tries to build up his tolerance, but just offering another perspective.

Again, the driving is the crucial issue. Fix that and the rest (how late, being contactable)can be sensibly negotiated.

PS is he usually “out of sorts” the next day? I’d take that as more of a sign of drinking too much, if he can’t be an effective husband/father on the following day.

 

[CB_Catholic]

Not back to back in close proximity. Maybe 6 months between incidents. And he only drinks to excess when he’s gone out like this. At home he might have 1 beer, sometimes none, after work. This Lent he’s actually given it up completely; St Paddy’s was going to be an exception b/c it’s a special feast day.

He’s not an alcoholic, I’m pretty sure of that. The problem is the way he overdoes it when out with the guys.

If drinking is causing a problem, it’s problem drinking and needs to be addressed. It doesn’t matter how much or how often. It is not normal drinking to pass out all night in a car, or wreck the car while drinking. I have been married to an alcoholic (now sober for 4 years) for 45 years, and have seen every kind of drinking pattern imaginable. The chances of this escalating are high. I’m not saying he is an alcoholic, just that you should be careful not to enable any type of abnormal drinking behavior by excusing it, or denying it, or bailing him out of it, which is very easy to do without realizing it.

My prayers are with you.

 

[littlefield]

Do the guys he hangs out with drink similarly? Do you know them personally and their families? You could be working with a kind of mob mentality where everybody is getting swept up in bad behavior and nobody wants to feel like a wet blanket.

I’m glad you brought that up.

The guys he hangs out with (it’s usually the same 2 or 3) are both practicing Catholics who drink similarly but have a much higher tolerance. In a way, I’m kind of disappointed that his friends keep proposing beer nights at the sports bar when they have witnessed first hand several times now my husband’s irresponsibility…and how much it has worried me.

Do men in general just tend to shrug off the worries of women, and downplay risk? Is that what’s going on with him and the guys?

 

[littlefield]

If drinking is causing a problem, it’s problem drinking and needs to be addressed. It doesn’t matter how much or how often. It is not normal drinking to pass out all night in a car, or wreck the car while drinking. I have been married to an alcoholic (now sober for 4 years) for 45 years, and have seen every kind of drinking pattern imaginable. The chances of this escalating are high. I’m not saying he is an alcoholic, just that you should be careful not to enable any type of abnormal drinking behavior by excusing it, or denying it, or bailing him out of it, which is very easy to do without realizing it.

My prayers are with you.

Thanks for sharing your experience, and for speaking the truth so clearly. You’re right. If it’s causing problems…then the drinking IS a problem. Something has to change.

Would you suggest that he NOT drink when going out with the guys or that he make some sort of pledge on the buddy system that he’ll have no more than a certain number?

 

[robertmidwest]

I’m sorry for being unclear in the first post but those 3 incidents didn’t happen in a series of weeks. They were maybe 6 months or more apart. He has gone out occasionally in between those incidents and on those occasions it was simply the problems of not calling/not answering phone and getting in way too late (2 or 3 am).

Thanks for clarifying.

The main point I am making is that alcoholism is a progressive disease. When it starts to become a problem it will happen quickly. Take an honest look at his behavior since you have know him. Is the behavior changing? You have six kids together, so you have know him for a while. Has he gone out regularly without problems all these years, then the last three times there was? I would say something has changed. You know best because you are there, but spouses will often be in denial and minimize the behavior.

 

[Pax2u]

I’ll probably be bashed by the men here, but this is my opinion.

By the time a man is out of his 20s, he should have outgrown the need for regularly scheduled adult play dates with his buddies at sports bars. Sure, it’s ok to go out with your friends once in awhile…but by the time you are past the age of twenty-something, your main focus should be your job, your wife, and your six children. Good grief, just getting stuff done at home, attending kids’ school functions, etc. should keep most men pretty busy.

I’m not saying it’s wrong for married people to have friends, or to do things with their friends…but I think those outings should be occasional, not frequent, and not involve situations and behaviors that cause worry/issues for the spouse.

I’m sure you aren’t having regularly scheduled evenings out with your friends that last until the wee hours of the morning, or involve you coming home intoxicated or wrecking cars.

I agree with those who are thinking he is an alcoholic. Please get some counseling yourself so you can decide how best you want to handle this situation.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Thanks for sharing your experience, and for speaking the truth so clearly. You’re right. If it’s causing problems…then the drinking IS a problem. Something has to change.

Would you suggest that he NOT drink when going out with the guys or that he make some sort of pledge on the buddy system that he’ll have no more than a certain number?

Two points:

First, an alcoholic doesn’t have to drink every day, or even every week. The question is whether or not he can control his drinking when he drinks.

Second, as to your question. You can suggest either option. I can tell you, as someone who isn’t an alcoholic, that if my husband made either request of me, I’d honor it even though I quite like having a beer or two or a glass of wine while I’m out. I can also tell you as the daughter of an alcoholic and someone who’s spent plenty of time in Al-Anon and open AA meetings that an alcoholic will either make those promises and then not follow through with them (if anything, he’d be more likely to overindulge out of guilt for indulging in the first place) or refuse to make them at all because “you’re overreacting”/“I can handle 7 shots of tequila over 45 minutes just fine”/“you can’t tell me what to do”/insert similar reason of choice here.

 

[Irishmom2]

In a way, I’m kind of disappointed that his friends keep proposing beer nights at the sports bar when they have witnessed first hand several times now my husband’s irresponsibility…

It is your husbands responsibility to know when to stop. His friends are not his sitters. If he needs one, he has a problem.

 

[SayehMahtabi]

In a way, I’m kind of disappointed that his friends keep proposing beer nights at the sports bar when they have witnessed first hand several times now my husband’s irresponsibility…and how much it has worried me.

Think about it another way: Apparently his friends enjoy going out to the bar together, and theyare able to do so responsibly. They plan a night out, and feel bad if they don’t invite your husband - if they don’t invite him and he finds out, he’ll see it as a snub. It is your husband’s responsibility to decline if he cannot behave appropriately; it is not their responsibility to change the way they use their leisure time or to pointedly exclude your husband.

 

[CB_Catholic]

Thanks for sharing your experience, and for speaking the truth so clearly. You’re right. If it’s causing problems…then the drinking IS a problem. Something has to change.

Would you suggest that he NOT drink when going out with the guys or that he make some sort of pledge on the buddy system that he’ll have no more than a certain number?

Here is the thing–this has to come from him, not pledges made to his buddies, or outside attempts to have control over the drinking. He has to acknowledge there is a problem himself and desire to change his behavior and seek help. It is a sign that he is heading toward alcoholism if there is talk of “controlling” the drinking, or he is denying there is a problem. My suggestion, although it might be difficult with 6 kids, is to find an Al-anon meeting near you and start attending. They usually are held every day of the week, in various locations, and morning, afternoon, and night. Many have babysitting. You will learn a lot and benefit greatly. Alcoholism is progressive, and tends to get worse, so if he is heading that way, you will have some resources, also you will learn how not to contribute to the addiction, and hopefully attain some peace of mind.

You sound as if you have a cool head and are willing to do what needs to be done, and it sounds like you have recognized there is a problem early on before the whole family falls apart, so I commend you for this. Pray about it and let God direct you. But I would seriously recommend Al-Anon for you, and AA for him, once he gets the idea there is a problem with his drinking. Most people with drinking problems don’t take kindly to the idea they need help, so be prepared.

 

[underacloud]

I think there are a lot of sensible conversations and agreements the OP and her husband can make before declaring him an alcoholic…and before cutting off his adult play dates.

 

[truetofaith]

I think there are a lot of sensible conversations and agreements the OP and her husband can make before declaring him an alcoholic…and before cutting off his adult play dates.