Habitual Sexual Sin and the Future

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MarloweDore

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Hello Everyone,

I am very pleased to post again in this forum. I have recently done some much-needed reading in here after a long hiatus from posting on this site. It was done in a panic tonight after I had found out that I actually had failed another class in my senior year at university and predicted (like the first time) that it would happen on specific day. I have other things that I believe I predict correctly as well that I am even more disturbed by because of it’s apparent link (albeit irrational) between this and my habitual sin of masturbation/lust. Even before anyone replies, and I really would like to read what advice and help people can give to me, I already know that the demonic influence and the vice and the culmination of snowballing confusion in my life are the fruits of a negligent and lax spiritual life.

Let me give you a pretty novel-like testimony and background on my psychological/emotional/real-life/faith journey towards Jesus and his Church and Her teachings to preface my question because my question probably will sound absurd, vague and theoretical otherwise:

I grew up in a “stable” (Pa worked as an engineer, Mom was a part-time librarian and stay at home mother) Filipino-Catholic household where early on my parents saw a talent in singing. I promptly joined the youth choir at 5 or 6 years old. They also noticed my deep love for stories and story-telling as well as theology. In Sunday School Catechism class I was that one girl who always raised her hand who precociously answered “high-minded” questions. My appetite for stories extended beyond what was prescribed Catholic reading and in addition to the classics I would consume R.L. Stine, Christopher Pike and Stephen King even before I was 10, not to mention create sexual fantasies with my older sister. To be clear, that means I made up sex-themed stories that would basically end in an orgasm in the story as well as in our shared bed. Playing “Mommy and Daddy” with her began when I was 6 and ended when I was around 8 when she finally abandoned me for “better company.” This meant friends at school and in the neighborhood. She actually laughed with them about how disgusting I was for doing it. At 9 I began to obsessively wash my hands until they bled through several layers of skin.

Despite the despair and sorrow it brought me, this habit stayed with me to this day. The frequency of my habit fluctuated between every day to once every 3 weeks from then until now. I quit cold turkey (meaning no real prayer/consecration to God or Mary, whom I always had difficulty trusting in) for 2 straight years when we moved cities, between 6th grade (12 years old-14 years old). Then I discovered hentai (anime porn) and literary smut so reminiscent of what I had fought with for the majority of nights with my lesbian sex nightmares.

I began to be anorexic at age 14 and was committed to a psychiatric hospital soon after I started imagining my dad leaving threatening homicidal messages around my house. I did not get along with him during that time. With all his worrying about keeping his job, which he was in danger of losing, he was an absentee father emotionally and almost always responded in anger and demand of respect to any of my complaints, both pointed or pointless.

I was released from the psychiatric facility a few weeks later, on account that I began taking medications and didn’t find the right combination until I was 17 years old.

When I was 15 my sister ran away from our home and I left the choir and the Catholic Church. In retrospect I can say that I considered her to be my one bitter-sweet constant. And if she didn’t have to do it, I didn’t have to do it. Our priest was verbally caustic to me in his sermons and in personal interactions. He was very oriented towards guilt during his fire and brimstone way. He also seemed to be struggling with the new parish and how it was being run. At the same time I was being bullied, spit on, gossiped about or ostracized by some of my fellow Catechism-classmates and by the girls and boys from school. The cops found my sister 6 months later by accident because she set off an alarm breaking and entering. She moved out when she was 18 with her boyfriend.

I was 16 when I had my first full-blown hallucination which I’m not sure was entirely untrue. I had enrolled in a karate class and from the first to the last day I “hallucinated” one of my two sensei making outrageous comments about how I was psychic or that he had killed his mother that morning, or that he was a demon who had locked away the real him. I happened to find him very physically attractive and later on full-on hallucinated the two of us kissing and groping each other in the hall. I also saw him masturbating in front of the class. I had asked anyone if they saw any of this and they would simply either change the subject or laugh and say no. All throughout this time I had been perfectly lucid and did not experience any psychotic episodes in my other classes, in public or at home. It didn’t even alert the suspicion of my parents, teachers or classmates. They all thought I was doing great.

Cont…
 
This episode that lasted for only that semester in only one class and only when that particular sensei was there, while sometimes entertaining and thrilling and always sensational, I began to freak me out. Especially when I started making bargains with myself about my sanity and salvation and I began to lose each time.

Out of desperation to keep from going insane, one night I recited the words of the Divine Mercy Promise,“Jesus save me, I cannot save myself. Jesus I trust in You.” Very generously, the Lord Jesus actually listened right away to my initially selfish but sincere prayer and I actually slept peacefully that night for the first time in probably almost a year with a level of peace that I had probably never experienced prior to that conversion may have been my first real acceptance of Jesus Christ as God.

It took a while to rehabilitate myself from being away from the Church, but I made a lot of effort to read the Catechism, the Bible, watch EWTN, which was new in my life, read papal Encyclicals, Q+A Catholic books, find good priests to confess this long line of sins to, and engage in discussion with believers and nonbelievers about the Faith. It didn’t come at once, but I found peace and reason in the kind of love Jesus offers.

Back to the issue of masturbation, like I said before, I didn’t have more success than maybe a month of not doing it. I think I rationalized that that was good enough when the vast majority of my confessors say that I just need to pick myself back up and keep going. Not really the,“stop or go to Hell” type thing that while true was unkind that I was hearing from the first priest that was one reason of why I left the church.

Most recently, I came back from a Study Abroad at a Catholic University in Western Europe for my senior year. I improved my skill in that language, learned the Catholic customs in the country, I learned how to manage myself alone in a foreign country and learned a few things to help me in my English Literature degree. But the only thing I came back with from the experience and that I think of on a daily basis was a 19 year/20 year old boy, barely even a man, who out of anyone there and probably in my life was the most kind, gentle and considerate gentleman I could ever ask for. You can probably guess that I found him physically attractive too and while I never made and explicit sexual advances on him, I felt very loved when we stayed up until 3 in the morning together (in the public study room) whenever he was around and especially when he hugged me or even touched me a little. Towards the last few months I was there I did masturbate to the thought of him, sad to say. And sadder still I thought he would feel it too when I did it. I told him half way through the semester that I think I was in love with him, I guess I was reading all his signs wrong, and he rejected me that way and told me I was his friend and he would always be my friend no matter what. That hurt, but I tried to accept it because I didn’t want to impose myself on him.

The end I guess.

That brings me to to today. I had had a few weeks unofficial lee-way to complete my incomplete coursework and I didn’t turn it in yet. I had a disturbed feeling in my gut and a dream of her being disappointed in me. And I checked my grades and they were in for that class. It was an F. I turned in the essay and begged for forgiveness. Again. Do you think, despite the irrational and unlikely framing of my question, that I have condemned myself to a life of being alone by being addicted and giving into this sin my whole life? Will I never have a future with a good man because I do this?Or I suppose what I really want to know is, if I have committed that sin against him, do you think that I can ever even have a relationship with him?

~ Sadly yours

MarloweDore
 
Praying to the Holy Spirit to give you guidance, direction, strength, fortitude & wisdom in your time of need.
 
Thank you very much Tawny, Sir/Ma’am.

I really appreciate it and I can feel the love.
 
A clear rule for self-control handed down by the Fathers is this: stop eating while still hungry and do not continue until you are satisfied. When the Apostle said, ‘Make no provision to fulfill the desires of the flesh’ (Rom. 13:14), he was not forbidding us to provide for the needs of life; he was warning us against self-indulgence. Moreover, by itself abstinence from food does not contribute to perfect purity of soul unless the other virtues are active as well. Humility, for example, practiced through obedience in our work and through bodily hardship, is a great help. If we avoid avarice not only by having no money, but also by not wanting to have any, this leads us towards purity of soul. Freedom from anger, from dejection, self-esteem and pride also contributes to purity of soul in general, while self-control and fasting are especially important for bringing about that specific purity of soul which comes through restraint and moderation. No one whose stomach is full can fight mentally against the demon of unchastity. Our initial struggle therefore must be to gain control of our stomach and to bring our body into subjection not only through fasting but also through vigils, labors and spiritual reading, and through concentrating our heart on fear of Gehenna and on longing for the kingdom of heaven.

Peace
 
MarloweDori:
We must get our priorities straight before things work out for us. We must for our happiness and well-being order our life in the direction for which it was created to follow. If we rely on the lesser things, relying on created things for our peace, love and contentment we will ultimately fail. We are all dependent, limited, and imperfect. Only God can provide the things we truly need for happiness, and this includes a man.

Your proclivity and involvement in self-gratification is a universal condition in fallen human nature. The missing ingredient is “sanctifying grace” We are born with this lacking. Baptism, turning from sin and turning to Christ is the only answer. Oh, yes and there is the devil, a certain fact who always attacks us especially at our weakest point. When we turn to Christ for His redeeming help, we receive His Holy Spirit who gives us all we need to conquer ourselves, and the devil.

We must persevere in trials, and failures. When we get knocked down, we don’t stay down. We always use our spiritual weapons, the Sacraments frequently. We must fight as warriors because we are definitely in a 'Spiritual Combat" whether we realize or not, no one escapes, it’s fight or be conquered. Without Christ there is no hope of conquering. Since you have developed a bad habit, you will have to counter it and it will take courage, and persistence. With each success, it will get easier, and with each possible fall, use the Sacraments and fight again, be determined never to give up, you have God’s help.

Don’t worry about relationships just yet, because if you do not conquer, your habit will effect your relationships with others and God, whose relationship you must treasure above all. It is possible you may need Christian counseling and encouragement. It may be that it is a psychological, as well as a spiritual problem. Ask the Holy Spirit for guidance. God is with you, so have courage. I will pray also.
 
Wow. I don’t know what to say, you poor amazingly brave thing, except. You matter, I’ll pray for you. And yes, you can change. Many of the greatest saints were once monsters. And from the sound of it, you’re long way from a monster yet. hug
 
Trust in Jesus to deliver you from your sexual addiction and self abuse.

We live in an ultra sexualized world and some fall victim to it.

You need to work on forgiveness with your dad.

Your masturbation is a way for you to find release from stress and loneliness. Instead of masturbating, in those times is stress and confusion get closer to god by calling out to him and confiding your exhaustion and stress to him. Use those times of temptation to get closer to him. To rely more on him and less on you.

The rosary is a powerful weapon. In the midst of your temptations call out to god. And if you can’t sleep say a rosary and you will sleep fine.

Bk
 
Dear Marlowe Dore:

Somethings are very evident in your Original post. Insecurity produced by a lack of love and understanding, coupled with the effects of original sin if sustained can produce over-whelming stress, which in turn can produce psychological and physiological problems, or afflictions. In many people the anxiety is automatically controlled by repetitive acts or rituals, such as you described in the washing of hands.

a person may be unable to control obsessive thoughts and impulses ( such as sexual behavior), plagued by doubt and indecision. Also one may develop moral scruples. Fear can set in, then panic is experienced, and one can not understand why these things are happening. The para-sympathetic system has a mind of it’s own, and in order to protect the body it automatically produces these physiological symptoms

These conditions often start in childhood by unresolved problems. Usually those affected have a high degree of intelligence, which you manifest. there is also a proneness to superstition, doubt, and indecision. There may be and underlying suppressed hostility from the unkindness shown to you as a child. Your self-analysis expressed several of these observations. It indicates a need for a long psychotherapy treatment. But with God all things are possible! You can take all of the negative observations and reverse them in Jesus’ Name, and Mary’s intercession. I am reminded of the prayer of St.Francis, which will take you out of yourself.

Lord, make me and instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled
As to console;
To be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love

For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. God love you.
 
Thank you all my friends in Christ for your generous feedback.

Hazcompat:

I have begun again to implement and prayer.

It was wise of you to advise me this instead of engaging in placating my feelings, because honestly I found your message a little dry. 🙂 Often times that’s what I want, a release from my bad feelings, but if comforting someone means compromising God’s Truth, then there’s really no help being given. Fasting has really helped me with taking the edge off the urge, so to speak. And I completely agree. It’s hard, but I agree. 🙂

ynotzap:

I thank you for your two very kind, very spot-on responses to my problem. And thank you for reminding me not to rely on lesser things. I do that all the time, so your advice was very much needed and well-received. Thank you for reminding me that I shouldn’t worry about a relationship before this habit is substantially addressed and also for saying (probably from experience) that only God can give me a man that I might need. For this to happen though I do need to put God above everything and everyone else. Something that I haven’t been doing and that is the root of my unhappiness and instability. I have been seeing psychiatrists and psychologists for my issues, but I’ve been burned a lot. One of my most trusted psychologists that I had been seeing from 14 years old -19 years old had told me that I should just go experiment sexually with girls since I was “attracted” to them. Thankfully I was spiritually mature enough to stop seeing her. I miss her sometimes, she was the best psychologist I ever had, and understood/empathized with me well, but I think I needed to send her the message loud and clear that my life choices will not be manipulated through “therapy.”

I searched far and wide for a Catholic psychologist. (My psychiatrists have always been really helpful with working me on the medication issue and nonintrusive with my beliefs) They are few and far between. One of them was a liberal Franciscan nun. Nice old lady, but with respect to this problem…she was just another repeat of the spirit of the world. sigh Worrying, I know. We will pray for her, right? I have one Christian lady I’ve seen before who had impressed me in the past, I hope will take my insurance these days…

You could very well be right that my para-sympathetic system had produced all those hallucinations when I was 16 in karate class, but I really can’t put my finger on all that had happened. I’m really just resigned to finding out if that sensei ever admits those things to me, or when I die and go to Heaven (Jesus have mercy that I will).

Really, I agree with you that the powers of Heaven, Jesus’ love and mercy and Mary’s motherly intercession is the Sword of the Spirit that will finally slay this beast lurking inside of me. The prayer of St. Francis has always meant a lot to me. St. Francis was the first parish that I stayed at/spent my childhood growing up in, received Jesus for the first time in the Eucharist, where I first confessed, where I learned to pray the rosary and learned about Our Lady of Fatima and the Divine Mercy, in simple but well-rooted ways.

St. Francis is also my patron saint. His example of forgiving (for the sake of giving) and giving, his indomitable humility and subsequent holiness and happiness have been a mystery inspiring and pivotal to my ongoing conversion story. It is in dying that we are born to eternal life. And that will only come true when we start doing it. Thank you for reaffirming his intercessory presence in my life.

I feel loved by God and you. Thank you.

PoundCoolish:

Nice name. It sounds so very English. Well, you having no words but,“you matter” means more to me than anything else that you could have said, but didn’t really feel compelled to say. And I love hugs. Hugs are so nice, warm and fuzzy. I don’t think I’m a monster the vast majority of my days, just really lost and angry sometimes. Thank you for seeing me that way. 🙂

BlueKnight:

I will find rest in God if I rely on his paths and not my ways. You’re right. I need to stop trying to plan my happiness and salvation - my life. It’s only through Him that we are saved from anything at all. Even though me and my Papa have a lot of good things to say about each other and we have come a huge ways in repairing our relationship, I think that there is a lot of forgiveness and humility to start being made. I argue with him quite a lot on petty young-adult things, but even if they weren’t petty, it helps me stay more at peace with myself I notice when I don’t say anything back to his provocations.

Using temptation as an opportunity to grow closer to God was one of the most successful ways I’ve removed myself from myself and my selfish desires ie. Lent.

Every Catholic is supposed to fast at least once a week on Friday. Lent is more than just a season of Holiness. Now I can see why.

Everyone:

I still keep in contact with that guy I met in Europe. I really do think I love him. But I will purify my human love with that I learned from the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Thanks for getting me through that night a few days ago guys.

~ MarloweDoré.
 
Hello MD
Just a few intuitions re what you said and what you didn’t say that may or may not help you on your path. You will know what to reject, accept or reflect on I am sure.

“And if my brother should sin against me how many times should I forgive him, seven times?” You know the answer I am sure, we just have to accept we are loved by Jesus not by our discipline (no one is that strong) but by our being. Just keep acknowledging you are incomplete without God and “all will be well, and all manner of things will be well.” (Julian of Norwich I believe).

When we reach a dead end and we cannot find any way out at all…maybe its because the way out is in fact the way we came in or the way we keep telling ourselves cannot be the way. Perhaps that is really the sort of thinking your (non Catholic?) therapist was really coming from.

I am not sure about the “don’t work on your relationships advice just yet” advice.
Everything is related, sometimes sex drive issues can be a symptom of isolation and “not fitting in”. I have experienced that myself. Its a primordial survival instinct it seems.

Good relations are what bring the healing - the trick is not to crush your saviour to death! If he wants romance he will usually let you know unmistakably. If its not going to happen don’t worry, painful though it may be such friendships can still be just as medicinal for healing your sense of isolation…and so too out of control drives.

Good luck.
 
Obviously just my lazy personnal opinion. Try quitting all video streaming. Tv. Internet. Oh and audio that is not “live” .Avoid the internet as much as possible. Been doing this for 3 months and personnally have been “sober” 3 months after fighting this “demon” for 15 years. Though very hard and have extreme psycotic episodes because I do not have tv to numb my brain at night.
Saint michael the archangel defend us in battle. Be our protection.
Mary pray for us.
St. Joseph pray for us.
All you holy angels and saints pray for us.
For the sake of his sorrowful passion, please jesus have mercy on us and on the whole whole whole whole world!
 
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