Habitual sin-- how to deal?

[Nessie86]

I have been struggling with habitual sexual sin for much of my life. Background: 1. I was molested by my grandfather at a young age. I have since forgiven him, but the damage was done. 2. My mother used to watch soap operas around me when I was very young, which I know affected me. 3. I didn’t know much of what I was doing was sinful until years later, and by then it was a full blown habit (some may call it an addiction).

I am a recent convert to the church. I am also engaged. My fiance is a virgin, I am not. We are not having sex, but we are not being chaste either. After my first confession, before I was confirmed, I felt so light. I was on a high. I had given it all up to God and I thought I was free of all this. This was even more true after I was confirmed and received Christ in the Eucharist for the first time. I thought I was done with this sin.

I didn’t last much more than a month, if that. Since Easter, I have been in an immense struggle. I have times of great piety, where I am in constant prayer, embracing the sacraments, and very close to God. And then I sin, and I feel so seperated from God, and resigned to my sin. And then I go to confession, and the cycle starts over again.

I have read so many books about this, I understand the church teachings about sexuality, I have all the knowledge I should need, and I embraced the sacraments I needed to lead a holy life, and I was resigned not to go back to that… and yet it is still happening. I prayed the rosary for a week with the specific intention of being transformed and not falling back into sin. But it still happened.

I am so discouraged, I do not know what else to do. I feel like such a failure. I am a member of the church choir, and it is so hard to sing in church for all those people, when I am living this struggle. It’s hard to even go to church sometimes, even though I know it’s where I should be, as a sinner. When I am there, sometimes I have trouble even expressing contrition before God, if I’m honest with myself, so instead I pray for God to work on my heart and change me. I do not know how to deal with this. It is hard for my fiance and I to eliminate sexual intimacy from our relationship; we both express affection with physical touch, and we both struggled with this issue before we met. We both want to stop and be chaste before we are married, but we keep failing.

If anyone else has gone through this, and were able to get back on the right track, what did you do that I’m not doing? What else can I do? I feel like I have been praying the same prayer for years, asking God to help me be free of this.

If you don’t know what it’s like to be in the chains of a habit that seems out of control, please don’t post anything judgemental, such as “Just stop sinning” or the like. If it were that simple for me, I wouldn’t be writing this. I don’t need any lectures either, I’ve heard it before. I need advice and prayer. Thanks.

 

[Trishie]

Nessie, I can’t give you any formula, as it’s a process of retraining for you, with the need to keep trying again. But I can pray for you.
I’ll pray for you that you won’t despair or give up. That you’ll keep on trying.

And, wonderful that you lasted a month before you slipped again!
Considering your history as you recount it, that’s great, isn’t it!
So try again, sincerely…and in time you will have created new pathways so you don’t fall into the lifelong patterns.

St Peter was so sure he wouldn’t fall, wouldn’t betray Jesus. But he did. At the worst possible time. Three times he denied Him.
Afterwards, Jesus asked Peter three times if he loved Him, and three times Peter affirmed that he did love Jesus.

You do love God. You will keep trying. Avoid situations where you may fail as much as possible. Because we’re human it takes both human effort and God’s grace to help us to avoid sin. Your desire to avoid sin is pleasing to God. Trying again is pleasing to God. God will continue to love you.

I ask God to continue to bless and help you as you strive to live according to the gospel.

Warm regards, Trishie

 

[CentralFLJames]

Break habits. Take note of the circumstances when you are most often to find yourself in this condition of want. See if its not happening with greater impulse when you are bored, or anxious/restless or nervous or feeling down or whatever. Observe if there are accompanying fantasies or sensual thoughts that you are habitually entertaining during the early stages of the desire. In general take note of what gets you moved into that mode of pre-expectation and arousal. If its your own body that is arousing you when you look in the mirror after shower etc. try having a robe always at hand and immediately put it on when drying off etc. and don’t look in the mirror till you do. Develop a conscious discipline of your thoughts and actions based on what seems to pre-trigger it.

It is likely a combination of hormonal addiction for the relaxation effects as well as a spiritual struggle as you transition to walk more in the spirit and cooperate with grace. You can’t beat this alone. As an addiction you are not as culpable in gravity of sin until you can beat this. This one is strangely enough associated with pride in many cases - thinking one “should” have more self-control over their own bodies and being proven you don’t - it can be very humiliating. And this is exactly how God can use sin to bring us to a greater reliance on him - it forces one to rely more on God daily for His help. This is one of those first things that a person is often called to conquer spiritually for a person who is “waking up” to their spirituality and coming to realize very vividly that they really need God – put this in God’s hands entirely. Use any spurious urges as an invitation to prayer. This way if it is demonic then every time Satan’s forces try to tempt you it becomes an occasion to discredit Satan and spiritually harm evil by making it an occasion for grace. Trust me - Satan will not want to waste his time tempting you if everytime he does you pray and God intensifies his grace and your guardian angel smacks him hard spiritually. It will drive him wild with anger and frustration - how fun!

I’d recommend saying either St. Michael’s Chaplet or the rosary daily. St. Michael’s Chaplet’s 4th choir of angel prayer has this petition:

“By the intercession of St. Michael and the heavenly Choir of the Dominations, may it please God to grant us grace to have domination over our senses , and to correct our depraved passions. Amen”.

Expect your prayers to be answered immediately or in the first week and the intensity of the urges and passions to subside and diminish or vanish entirely. Keep the daily prayers as your new habit as a combination of thanks to God and to ever sustain you. Caution don’t be surprised if you find you are called to religious devotions too lol - God likes to trick us when we see His power at work in us. Your whole life can be changed by this.

Also, self mortification is effective. Strangely enough over-eating or over indulging the senses with lots of highly flavored food accompanied with wine etc. can trigger “the urge”. So you might try fasting once or more times a week - either a full fast or cut back on meals, or skip one, or reduce portion size to deny full being fully satiated etc.

And one other thing - put up some small inexpensive religions photo cards of Sacred Heart of Jesus and Immaculate Heart of Mary around your home - near the places you are when you get these feelings - perhaps around the PC and bathroom and bedroom mirrors and nightstand etc… Also bless each room and windows/doors of your home with holy water and make a simple prayer to St. Michael to protect your household.

You can and will overcome this - with God’s grace.

God Bless,
James

 

[pamnbam]

Here’s a prayer that helps me when I deal with temptation to sin:

Lord, let me not deceive myself.
I know what I am considering is wrong.
Let me not be swept away by its immediate attraction.

God the Father, watch over me.
Christ our Lord, strengthen me.
The Holy Spirit, live in me.

Amen.

It really is a will-strengthening prayer, and I agree with the others: you just need to “train your will” just a bit more. One month without the sin is a tremendous improvement! Shoot for just a bit longer next time. Try not to spend too much time alone with your fiance if it continually leads to an occasion of sin for you. As you both work on strengthening your will, you will be able to spend more time together with less of the temptation there. You can do it!

 

[Nessie86]

Wow… thank you so much to all of you. I feel as if the arms of Christ have just given me a big hug. Thank you for your time! I have hope again, not that I ever entirely lost it, but I’ve been so discouraged. God bless you all! I will take all of your words to heart, and start applying them.

 

[ahollars]

Do not get discouraged. As a recent convert you will soon find out that most of your trips to confession will sound like the same list over and over again for a long time (years in most cases). The important thing is that you go as often as you need to, and keep going. I can personally vouch that age for men does have a calming effect on the sex hormones. I had the same problem in my teens and early 20’s. Now that I’m 30 and married with kids, I feel like I am beginning to win the battle finally. Don’t lose sight of heaven, and you’ll be fine in the end.

Godspeed!

 

[TLM08]

I have been struggling with habitual sexual sin for much of my life. Background: 1. I was molested by my grandfather at a young age. I have since forgiven him, but the damage was done. 2. My mother used to watch soap operas around me when I was very young, which I know affected me. 3. I didn’t know much of what I was doing was sinful until years later, and by then it was a full blown habit (some may call it an addiction).

I am a recent convert to the church. I am also engaged. My fiance is a virgin, I am not. We are not having sex, but we are not being chaste either. After my first confession, before I was confirmed, I felt so light. I was on a high. I had given it all up to God and I thought I was free of all this. This was even more true after I was confirmed and received Christ in the Eucharist for the first time. I thought I was done with this sin.

I didn’t last much more than a month, if that. Since Easter, I have been in an immense struggle. I have times of great piety, where I am in constant prayer, embracing the sacraments, and very close to God. And then I sin, and I feel so seperated from God, and resigned to my sin. And then I go to confession, and the cycle starts over again.

I have read so many books about this, I understand the church teachings about sexuality, I have all the knowledge I should need, and I embraced the sacraments I needed to lead a holy life, and I was resigned not to go back to that… and yet it is still happening. I prayed the rosary for a week with the specific intention of being transformed and not falling back into sin. But it still happened.

I am so discouraged, I do not know what else to do. I feel like such a failure. I am a member of the church choir, and it is so hard to sing in church for all those people, when I am living this struggle. It’s hard to even go to church sometimes, even though I know it’s where I should be, as a sinner. When I am there, sometimes I have trouble even expressing contrition before God, if I’m honest with myself, so instead I pray for God to work on my heart and change me. I do not know how to deal with this. It is hard for my fiance and I to eliminate sexual intimacy from our relationship; we both express affection with physical touch, and we both struggled with this issue before we met. We both want to stop and be chaste before we are married, but we keep failing.

If anyone else has gone through this, and were able to get back on the right track, what did you do that I’m not doing? What else can I do? I feel like I have been praying the same prayer for years, asking God to help me be free of this.

If you don’t know what it’s like to be in the chains of a habit that seems out of control, please don’t post anything judgemental, such as “Just stop sinning” or the like. If it were that simple for me, I wouldn’t be writing this. I don’t need any lectures either, I’ve heard it before. I need advice and prayer. Thanks.

My best guess is that 75% or more of the people who participate in these forums are struggling with the exact same thing. The other 25% have aged to the point where the hormones aren’t calling the shots anymore when it comes to “chaste” living.

God knows what we are all going through. This human body is a wonderful thing, but it doesn’t always cooperate with what’s truly in the heart.

One of my favorite verses in scripture is from Romans chapter 7 when Paul says:

*"For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin."*

This whole sexual sin thing is far more powerful than we are. Turn it over to God and simply do your best. When you fall, get back up, dust yourself off and just remember we all fail from time to time. Do not let anyone shame you over this. It’s not you, but sin living in us that causes us to fail.