Had a tubal ligation...still struggling

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momtomanykiddos

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I had my sixth child last April. All of my kids were born via csection.

I had a Catholic OBGYN for babies #2-5. I started out there with baby number six, but left at 20 weeks because I felt I wasn’t getting the best care. Even though they were very devote Catholics. I had issues with several of the deliveries. The uterus had been seperating from the uterine lining with baby number 3, 4, and 5. I also have issues with preterm labor, and was on hospitalized bedrest with number 5 for a month (the 2010 blizzard too…I was stuck and couldn’t get home for close to 2 weeks after having the baby…just horrible experience).

We stink at NFP. I won’t lie. We were very blessed that I don’t get a cycle at all when I’m breastfeeding, and I nurse my kids for an extended period of time (over two years…I got my first cycle back at exactly 2 years with baby number 5).

I went to a practice that was recommended by a friend. A Catholic friend. But said friend had her husband get a vasectomy after the fifth child. This new doctor told me that my life was in danger according to the OR reports she had looked at, and that it was “no longer a personal decision” and that I had to have a tubal after delivery.

I was in extreme distress the entire last half of my pregnancy. My husband is a devout Catholic and didn’t want me to get it, but also has seen the stress of more pregnancies has done. He didn’t admit until after the baby that he did not do a good job of using NFP with me.

I spoke to my spiritual director who said it was okay to get it done because “preserving my life” was not a sin. I was actually very shocked by this. I was expecting him to tell me no way. I spoke with an ethics priest (we are near Mount Saint Mary’s Seminary) and he said no way, but due to my stress he felt I was lacking the freedom to make a clear decision and to not make one at all and to remain chaste (and use NFP…BTW we were charting when I got pregnant).

Anyway, long story short, I went into labor at 38 weeks, the doctor said it was bad, and I got the tubal while making the decision in the hospital. I have regretted it ever since. I cried for days after and made a confession in the hospital before leaving (God Bless that priest for hearing the confession of a horribly hormonal and post partum woman).

I come to today. I went back to my Catholic OBGYN who said they could do a reversal. They looked at my OR report and said it was easy to do. It’s $3000. We don’t have the money now, but they said they would work with us.

My husband wants to, but doesn’t. He’s done having kids. We have two with special needs already, and the financial burden along with him worrying about me he says is enough. I also get the feeling he doesn’t want to chart anymore, even though he says he would (he also said he would remain chaste long term if he had to before we had the tubal…but we did it anyway).

I can’t shake this horrible guilt. I live with me everyday. However, I really don’t want anymore kids either. I’m tired. I’ll be 40 soon, and I have horrible pregnancies and horrible post partum depression after.

I have to run to get a child on the bus (I also home school several children…that’s another post)…but wanted to see what others thought about all this.

God Bless.
 
momtomanykiddos:

“I went back to my Catholic OBGYN who said they could do a reversal. They looked at my OR report and said it was easy to do.”

You are not morally obligated to do a reversal.
 
Here’s the thing: I feel I should have known better. I’ve been practicing NFP and having babies for close to 13 years. I feel if I have the reversal, it would set things right. In my heart at least.
 
I am not the most conservative Catholic on this site, but I would like to say that I think your body has been trying to tell you something. If deep down your honest feeling is that you do not want to have more children than I would go with those feelings. Anytime you have a surgical procedure there are things that can go wrong. You have 6 children you need to care for, try to let this go and focus on the blessings you have.

The loving, caring God I believe in wants us to be health and mentally well. Remember all those children are going to keep growing and will need more from you everyday. Don’t risk your health and well being if you have any doubt. God understands.
 
momtomanykiddos said:

“Here’s the thing: I feel I should have known better. I’ve been practicing NFP and having babies for close to 13 years.”

I suspect that you’d have had more or less the same number of children without practicing NFP at all.

“I feel if I have the reversal, it would set things right. In my heart at least.”

Please talk to your priest about this.

As was said upthread, there are risks to any surgical procedure.
 
momtomanykiddos said:
Here’s the thing: I feel I should have known better. I’ve been practicing NFP and having babies for close to 13 years. I feel if I have the reversal, it would set things right. In my heart at least.
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And lets be honest.

You are right, you should have known better. And you did know better. And you had it done anyway.

But isn’t that what sin is all about? Isn’t that what we all do when we sin? We know we shouldn’t do something, but we do it anyway?

Now, that probably sounded like I was picking on you or kicking you when you are down, but hear me out.

Yes you feel guilty. You should. You have a conscience. You know you did wrong.

So what do we do when we do something wrong? Well, if it is to a person, we go to them and, “say you are sorry.” Right? Isn’t that what you tell your children?

And it we offend God, we go to Confession. And that is what you need to do.

Go to Confession and own up to your sin. Cut out the excuses. Simply say, I had a tubal to prevent pregnancy and I know it was wrong. Do your penance.

It is just my opinion, but I think you can’t shake this feeling of guilt because you haven’t stopped trying to excuse your sin, just like we all do when we sin.
 
maryjk said:
And lets be honest.

You are right, you should have known better. And you did know better. And you had it done anyway.

But isn’t that what sin is all about? Isn’t that what we all do when we sin? We know we shouldn’t do something, but we do it anyway?

Now, that probably sounded like I was picking on you or kicking you when you are down, but hear me out.

Yes you feel guilty. You should. You have a conscience. You know you did wrong.

So what do we do when we do something wrong? Well, if it is to a person, we go to them and, “say you are sorry.” Right? Isn’t that what you tell your children?

And it we offend God, we go to Confession. And that is what you need to do.

Go to Confession and own up to your sin. Cut out the excuses. Simply say, I had a tubal to prevent pregnancy and I know it was wrong. Do your penance.

It is just my opinion, but I think you can’t shake this feeling of guilt because you haven’t stopped trying to excuse your sin, just like we all do when we sin.
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I did go to Confession. A priest came to hear mine while I was still in the hospital. I am in no way trying to excuse it. I know it was wrong.

And when you do something wrong, along with saying you are sorry (confession) and making amends, sometimes we try to show the person by trying to amend things on your own end. Example: getting the reversal.

Finding a priest will be difficult. The one I had before the current spiritual director was transferred (Franciscan), and the one I was seeing said the tubal was fine. The only one I would trust at this point was the ethics priest. However, he is not easy to get in to see, and is recovering from surgery right now.

My question is by letting it go, since I’ve confessed, I feel as though I took the easy way out. I always feel as though I have to do my own part in making amends with someone when I’ve harmed/offended them (God).
 
maryjk said:
And lets be honest.
It is just my opinion, but I think you can’t shake this feeling of guilt because you haven’t stopped trying to excuse your sin, just like we all do when we sin.
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You live near me, OP, I’ll PM you. I believe you can’t shake your guilt because there is still a need to “atone” or “fix” something, as all mothers are wont to do. There is nothing to fix but your perspective on acceptance on the forgiveness you were given in the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

The fact that a medical professional tried to manipulate you and your spiritual director counseled you wrongly ddn’t help at all. Your Catholic doc who said that yuo HAD to do it – well, seemed to have been trying to take on the responsibility of YOUR decision. How manipulative!

You made your decision under duress. We don’t make clear decisions while dealing with death, moving house, loss of a job, or the same week we’ve HAD A CHILD.

You have had received absolution. You need to forgive yourself.

It is your responsibility to try to reverse the process if it is feasible (taking into account many things: recovery time, finances, and focusing on being open to life, not your immediate need.) Yet, you HAVE been forgiven without condition.

My heart goes out to you this morning.
 
You need to make peace with yourself. God has already forgiven you. I have five kids and I honestly believe one more might put me over the edge. Be thankful for what you have and enjoy the blessings God has given you. Just let it go…
 
That’s a good suggestion. That could work.

I did have a spiritual director, but he was okay with the tubal. After seeing him after the delivery a few times, he started giving advice that had some contrary teaching to the Church. For example, another person he saw he advised to still receive Our Lord in Holy Communion even though she was in a state of mortal sin, because he said she needed all the grace she could get. That sort of pinged my radar, especially after the whole tubal/being okay with it.

I did do my penance. It was four days after the birth (and I was on drugs from the section), but the priest came to my room at the hospital and heard my confession. It was a very emotional/hormonal time
 
Miserissima said:

“It is your responsibility to try to reverse the process if it is feasible (taking into account many things: recovery time, finances, and focusing on being open to life, not your immediate need.)”

She is not morally required to reverse the tubal ligation.

I would suggest the OP post a question on the moral theology forum or look at archived answers. It’s a very common question.
 
Stop feeling guilty. You went to confession, and from what you have said your ability to make a free will choice was very compromised. Accept the forgiveness you have received and stop worrying.

It really does sound like your days of having children should be over. If you don’t have the money for a reversal, you don’t have the money. Focus on caring for the children you now have and don’t put yourself through this agony anymore.

I have to admit having trouble with the idea that a couple should feel like they have to keep having children when it is obvious that they can’t afford more, or that the woman is having significant complications, even life threatening ones. That is when it is time to stop.

I will also add that I don’t think there is anything wrong or sinful for a husband and wife to continue to be intimate after a tubal ligation, as you have described here. I view this as a mutual sharing of deep personal affection and love for each other, so I would not get tied up in knots concerning “chastity” either.
 
Blessedwithfive said:
You need to make peace with yourself. God has already forgiven you. I have five kids and I honestly believe one more might put me over the edge. Be thankful for what you have and enjoy the blessings God has given you. Just let it go…
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👍 I think you are making things harder on yourself than you need to which must be affecting you children and husband. God has forgiven you, don’t second judge Him. He does not want you to be unhappy. There is nothing more you need to do, but love and care for the children you have. Doing NFP now might put a terrible strain on your relationship with your husband.

Don’t listen to those who say you should have known better, especially those who were so rude about it. You trusted your doctor when you had just had a baby and had previously had difficult experiences having previous children, God understand, even when other don’t.
 
I always had a lot of trouble with hormones for the first year after a child was born and I would be very emotional about things. I would pray about this, and you can, at the end of your Confession say, For these and all the sins of my past life, including getting a tubal ligation, I am most heartily sorry.

Sometimes we have to accept that we have messed up, and sometimes God lets us fall into sin so as to bring something (usually pride) to our attention. What I am saying is that there may be more here spiritually than you understand right now.

I hope you’ll be able to find a good SD soon to help you through this time.

Annie
 
The Catholic Answers priests might be able to give you a springboard for help.
 
OP confessed and received absolution in the hospital.

I don’t think she needs to, or even can, confess and receive absolution for that which has already been confessed, absolved, and not repeated. Can she? :confused:
 
shelby_sun said:
Don’t listen to those who say you should have known better, especially those who were so rude about it. You trusted your doctor when you had just had a baby and had previously had difficult experiences having previous children, God understand, even when other don’t.
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Um, I wasn’t being rude. I was reading what she wrote. In addition, I was right.
momtomanykiddos said:
Here’s the thing: ** I feel I should have known better**. I’ve been practicing NFP and having babies for close to 13 years. I feel if I have the reversal, it would set things right. In my heart at least.
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Since you have gone to Confession, maybe you need to speak to someone about how you feel. To me at least, you obviously feel guilty.

And, because you posted all of the reasons, I think you are still trying to excuse it, at least in your mind.

So whether you were culpable or not, you *feel *like you were. That is what you need to take care of.
 
Miserissima said:
You made your decision under duress. We don’t make clear decisions while dealing with death, moving house, loss of a job, or the same week we’ve HAD A CHILD.

You have had received absolution. You need to forgive yourself.
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This^^

If it helps any, I had my tubes tied after the birth of my 3rd child. I knew Catholic teaching on the matter, but I had not been raised Catholic and didn’t believe the teaching. 12 years after the operation, I feel terrible about it and I regret it.

Part of me wishes I could afford a reversal and that I could have one or two more with my husband. I was previously married and my first two kids were from that marriage, the youngest is my husbands. So, I can’t shake the feeling that I “cheated” my husband out of more kids even though he was on board with the decision to have the tubal.

If we could afford the operation to reverse I don’t know how successful it would be due to the type of procedure used. I had my tubes “cut, cauterized, and tied”. Which is the hardest to reverse and the one with the least natural pregnancy success rate. I am also 38, have heart and lung issues as well as high blood pressure, and I am showing signs of being pre-menopausal. I also fear even if I did get pregnant I wouldn’t live long enough to raise the baby due to heart and lungs.

I have been struggling with this issue a lot lately and I cannot wait to go to Confession when I am able so that I can be absolved of the sin. I am trying to work my way through by understanding that I made a bad choice, I sinned, I will be forgiven, and I cannot “fix” it without risking my life and I cannot risk my life because I have children to care for as well as a husband that needs me.

You aren’t alone. I’ll pray you are guided to the right decision regarding reversal and that you find peace with whatever choice you make.
 
Inappropriate guilt can be a symptom of depression. How old is your baby? I would give it time. You are already absolved and forgiven.
 
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