Haha Church Bulletins

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KCtheMommy

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They’re back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins!
Code: 
  These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually
  appeared in church bulletins or were announced in
  church services:
  --------------------------
  The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
  --------------------------
  The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'
  The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
  --------------------------
  Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance
  to get rid of those things not worth keeping around
  the house. Bring your husbands.
  --------------------------
  Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
  community. Smile at someone who is hard to love.
  Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about
  you.
  --------------------------
  Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
  --------------------------
  Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way
  again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  --------------------------
  For those of you who have children and don't know
  it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  --------------------------
  Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
  They need all the help they can get.
  --------------------------
  Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on
  October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that
  began in their school days.
  --------------------------
  A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the
  church hall. Music will follow.
  --------------------------
  At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic
  will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to
  our choir practice.
  --------------------------
  Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to
  the addition of several new members and to the
  deterioration of some older ones.
  --------------------------
  Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other
  items to be recycled.
  Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  --------------------------
  Please place your donation in the envelope along
  with the deceased person you want remembered.
  --------------------------
  The church will host an evening of fine dining,
  super entertainment and gracious hostility.
  --------------------------
  Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and
  medication to follow.
  --------------------------
  The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of
  every kind. They may be seen in the basement
  on Friday afternoon.
  --------------------------
  This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in
  the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket
  and come prepared to sin.
  --------------------------
  Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at
  10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall
  after the B. S. is done.
  --------------------------
  The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
  Congregation would lend him their electric girdles
  for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
  --------------------------
  Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at
  7 PM . Please use the back door.
  --------------------------
  The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
  Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.
  The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
  --------------------------
  Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
  Presbyterian Church.
  Please use large double door at the side entrance.
  --------------------------
  The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new
  campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
 
From “The 365 stupidest things ever said” calendar for March 10, 2008:

"Lenten Worship Sermon:
The Surest Road to Hell

Transportation Available.
Please call before noon Saturday."
 
  • Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
    • The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
    • On a church bulletin during the minister’s illness: GOD IS GOOD; Dr. Hargreaves is better.
    • Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.
    • The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”
    • If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check, and drip in the collection basket.
    • Sermon Outline:
      I. Delineate your fear
      II. Disown your fear
      III. Displace your rear
    • Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.”
    • Don’t miss this Saturday’s exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.
    • We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.
    • A worm welcome to all who have come today.
    • Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Nelson’s sermons.
    • During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
    • Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
    • The ushers will come forward and take our ties and offerings.
    • The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
    • The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
    • Don’t let worry kill you off - let the church help.
    • Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
    • Let us join David and Lisa in the celebration of their wedding and bring their happiness to a conclusion.
    • Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.
    • Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.
    • The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
    • The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
    • Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30p.m. Please use the back door.
    • The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
    • The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
    • Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
    • 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
    • The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
    • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?”. Come early and listen to our choir practice.
    • The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
    • The music for today’s service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
    • A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
    • Today’s Sermon: How Much Can a Man Drink? with hymns from a full choir.
    • Hymn: “I Love Thee My Ford.”
    • Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
    • Women’s Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.
    • Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.”
    • The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
    • Ushers will eat latecomers.
    • Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
    • Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
    • Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
    • Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.
 
**LOL, thanks for those…

I was already in bed trying to sleep but hubby started to snore. I came down here and got a few laughs. Now I am relaxed enough to go and curl up on the couch and hopefully get some sleep!**
 
This one was actually in our parish bulletin last week:

Lenten Friday Fish Supper. This week on the menu: corned beef and cabbage.
 
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing “Put me in my little bed” accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be “Little Mothers” will meet with the Pastor in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with “Little Drops of Water.” One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

With a smile on his face, the pastor listened as the church choir sang the traditional hymn, “How Great Thou Art”, as the rather large casket of the over 500 pound parishioner was wheeled out of the church.

Today, Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 1pm-8pm. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.

Offertory: “Jesus Paid It All”

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

Evening massage – 6 p.m.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to Church secretary.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
 
Hahaha, thank you for this KC!

My favorite:
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic
will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to
our choir practice.
Click to expand...
 
This was announced at our church a few weeks ago.

**The LifeTeen Mass will be held here every Sunday at 5:30pm…
Except Easter all are invited. **

:eek: My husband and I started laughing. I know they meant they aren’t having Lifeteen Mass on Easter Sunday, but the pause was so long that’s not what it sounded like.
 
Those are hilarious! Thank you for posting!

I’ll never forget the Christmastime one in a church bulletin – showed a big picture of a jolly Santa Claus and the caption:

“Breakfast with Satan”

(supposed to be “Santa”)
🙂
 
I remember once, on a Sunday before Christmas, our pastor announced from the pulpit: “Please do not phone the rectory to ask what time Midnight Mass begins.”
 
Tenebrae said:
I remember once, on a Sunday before Christmas, our pastor announced from the pulpit: “Please do not phone the rectory to ask what time Midnight Mass begins.”
Click to expand...
Actually, some parishes have had their Midnight Masses earlier, like at 9PM, sometimes because they were in “rougher” parts of town.
 
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