Handling Money and Changing My Character

[Scout]

Hey, everyone. Thanks for reading this. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Anyway, let me put this as bluntly as I can. I am absolutely horrible with money. I’m constantly spending way more than we make. I’ve been this way as long as I can remember (I guess that doesn’t really matter, though). If I have a dime, I’m somehow managing to spend 15 cents.

I’ve been through tons of workshops on how to manage finances. I’d done Bible studies and read books on the matter. I know “how” to handle finances, but I just can’t seem to get my actions to follow what my head knows. I realize that this is a serious character flaw and that it has had serious ramifications on my marriage and our family. However, even know this hasn’t helped me to stop. We’re in serious debt and our credit rating is pretty bad, too. Needless to say, this problem has also affected my husband’s credit rating as well.

I handle all the finances in the family. I’m very good at knowing that needs to get paid and when. I try to pay what I can, but I also almost always end up spending money on things we don’t need and eating out a lot while I’m running errands and such.

So, I guess I’m looking for some advice and help on how to change my character. I want my actions to follow what my head and heart knows to be true, but how do I do that? How do I change my character?

I know some of you may say that I need to let my husband handle the finances. At first, that might be a good idea and our family finances would improve. But that really wouldn’t help change my character.

So, any advice and help anyone can give would be greatly appreciated. I really want to change, but I just don’t know how. I have struggled with this for so long that I’m afraid that I’m always going to be this way and I don’t want that.

Thanks.
Scout :tiphat:

 

[pippin]

One suggestion would be to leave your credit cards at home whenever you go out. Pay for everything with cash. If you don’t have the cash, don’t buy it. Do not watch home shopping network, toss catalogs without opening them as soon as they arrive, and stay off ebay and similar websites. Never shop without a list and only buy whats on the list.

 

[water]

I know “how” to handle finances, but I just can’t seem to get my actions to follow what my head knows.

Did you let the things that your head knows run straight to your hand and skip going through your heart where love can lead you do things better?

What would Blessed Mother Teresa do with her money?

God bless.

 

[jmcrae]

Identify the benefit of your behaviour. What do you get out of it?

Once you’ve figured out what the advantage is, you’ll figure out why you do this, and you’ll be able to come up with a strategy to overcome it.

You already know the answers; all you need now is a good reason (something that makes sense to the irrational side of your mind) to follow them.

 

[Scout]

One suggestion would be to leave your credit cards at home whenever you go out. Pay for everything with cash. If you don’t have the cash, don’t buy it. Do not watch home shopping network, toss catalogs without opening them as soon as they arrive, and stay off ebay and similar websites. Never shop without a list and only buy whats on the list.

I don’t use credit cards and I do pay for everything with cash. The problem is that if I have the cash in my wallet, even if I know I should save it for something else, I still end up spending it on something.

I also don’t shop on any of the shopping networks, I don’t buy from catalogs or ebay.

I appreciate the advice, though.

Scout

 

[Scout]

Identify the benefit of your behaviour. What do you get out of it?

Once you’ve figured out what the advantage is, you’ll figure out why you do this, and you’ll be able to come up with a strategy to overcome it.

You already know the answers; all you need now is a good reason (something that makes sense to the irrational side of your mind) to follow them.

You would think that taking better care of my husband and children, and wanting to get out of the slavery of debt, would all be good reasons. Unfortunately, this hasn’t been the case.

I feel pathetic and sad.

Scout :tiphat:

 

[jmcrae]

You would think that taking better care of my husband and children, and wanting to get out of the slavery of debt, would all be good reasons. Unfortunately, this hasn’t been the case.

I feel pathetic and sad.

Scout :tiphat:

The irrational side of your mind is looking for the immediate gratification of popularity (the kids love you when you bring them presents), and related benefits.

 

[jmcrae]

I don’t use credit cards and I do pay for everything with cash. The problem is that if I have the cash in my wallet, even if I know I should save it for something else, I still end up spending it on something.

Why do you have more cash in your wallet than you are planning to spend?

The first step is to identify how much you plan to spend, and then put that amount of cash and no more into your wallet. Leave the rest of the money at home or in the bank.

 

[puzzleannie]

take positive steps to cultivate a spirituality of stewardship of not only material gifts, money, but talents, skills, abilities. OSV has a course on this, so does Catholic Exchange.com, Phil Lenahan, or also an Evangelical but very excellent program is Crown Financial Ministries.

 

[Belle10]

Lots of practical and great advice here already. I’ll just say this: perhaps while you’re working on changing your perspective so you can handle finances better, perhaps your husband should take over the bill paying, etc. for now at least. Or, you could do all bill paying and financial planning and decisions together – even down to the smallest amounts – so that you work as a team to figure things out and get your family back on track.

Offering a prayer for you. God bless.

 

[TOP]

Remind yourself that the $5.00 you are spending was (x) amount of minutes hard labor. How many hours of work did that meal cost? Break it down. Tim

 

[CarrieH]

Do you think you have crossed the line into compulsive spending? Compulsive behaviors have many of the same roots, whether it’s drinking, eating, shopping, or whatever. I have struggled with compulsive overeating for most of my life. Like you and your financial programs, I could rattle off the specifics of just about every diet program out there, but until we address the root issues that are causing us to spend or overeat or whatever, it won’t change because our problems are not due to a lack of “head-knowledge.” One book that really helped me in my struggle was “To Slake a Thirst: The Matt Talbot Way to Sobriety.” catholicfreeshipping.com/Products/cfs_toslthmatawa.html I just substituted overeating for drinking in my mind as I read it, but the underlying message was the same. In fact, there is a chapter of the book which deals with other compulsive behaviors. It might be worth checking out. Good luck to you and God bless.

 

[Scout]

Do you think you have crossed the line into compulsive spending? Compulsive behaviors have many of the same roots, whether it’s drinking, eating, shopping, or whatever. I have struggled with compulsive overeating for most of my life. Like you and your financial programs, I could rattle off the specifics of just about every diet program out there, but until we address the root issues that are causing us to spend or overeat or whatever, it won’t change because our problems are not due to a lack of “head-knowledge.” One book that really helped me in my struggle was “To Slake a Thirst: The Matt Talbot Way to Sobriety.” catholicfreeshipping.com/Products/cfs_toslthmatawa.html I just substituted overeating for drinking in my mind as I read it, but the underlying message was the same. In fact, there is a chapter of the book which deals with other compulsive behaviors. It might be worth checking out. Good luck to you and God bless.

I don’t know if it’s compulsive spending or not. I’ve thought about it sometimes, but then I just thought that I was making excuses for my sin. I’m not suggesting that everyone who has struggles like this is doing that, but that’s just how I felt about it. I don’t know if I’m right or wrong. I don’t know if I said I was a compulsive spender if I’d be making excuses for myself or being too hard of myself and not giving myself enough grace. There’s a fine line there, isn’t there?

Thanks for the reference to the book,though. I will look into it.

Scout :tiphat:

 

[Scout]

The irrational side of your mind is looking for the immediate gratification of popularity (the kids love you when you bring them presents), and related benefits.

I agree that I’m looking for immediate gratification-but not necessarily popularity. I don’t always buy things for the children. Most of the time it’s just impulse spending-things I see at the store while I’m shopping, running through the drive-thru instead of eating at home (which I do a lot-in fact, this is where most of my money goes). This is really sad because I hardly ever eat even half of what I buy, so it’s a total waste of money. What’s even sadder is that I know it’s a waste of money and do it anyway.

Scout :tiphat:

 

[Scout]

Why do you have more cash in your wallet than you are planning to spend?

The first step is to identify how much you plan to spend, and then put that amount of cash and no more into your wallet. Leave the rest of the money at home or in the bank.

This is a very good idea and I will try to implement this more. I’ve tried doing it in the past on occasion, but I always felt that I might need the money for something, trying to convince myself that there might be an emergency and that’s a good excuse for having it in my wallet. So, I’ve always tried to make excuses for myself to carry around cash.

Your advice is well-received, though. I will try to do this more often. Perhaps I should get rid of the ATM card, too. It’s too much easy access to cash whenever the mood strikes me. I might have to talk my husband into cutting it up. I’ve tried just letting him carry it and only asking for it when I need it, but that didn’t seem to work for very long. I’d start swiping it from his wallet and then taking out more money than I needed.

Scout :tiphat:

 

[Scout]

take positive steps to cultivate a spirituality of stewardship of not only material gifts, money, but talents, skills, abilities. OSV has a course on this, so does Catholic Exchange.com, Phil Lenahan, or also an Evangelical but very excellent program is Crown Financial Ministries.

This is a very impacting message. I’m not a very generous person when it comes to money. It’s not that I don’t want to be, but it’s that I’m always afraid that I won’t have enough money to last until the next pay check (not that we ever do, anyway). I guess it’s just a lack of trust that God is going to take care of my needs. It’s difficult for me to do this.

It’s funny that you say this, though, because this is something that has been weighing on my mind the last couple of days. I heard someone on the radio yesterday talking about people who aren’t generous never seem to have enough, while people who are generous always have enough because God blesses them. He wasn’t suggesting the “health and wealth” gospel or anything like that. He was just saying that God takes care and provides for those who trust Him.

So, perhaps I should start tithing as I should. Even if it’s just a little bit. Maybe that will allow my faith in God to grow and I won’t feel the need to always have to be in control.

Scout :tiphat:

 

[Joysong]

All ‘binge’ indulgence begins with a single thought that captivates us and urges the binge. What is the customary spending habit that you indulge in? Food? Clothing? Decorating? Gambling? Or just a get-way to do some shopping?

You would know the thought that triggers the spending, and it is there that you need to deal with it. It isn’t important to reveal your patterns to us, but to trace your own weakness that causes the output of money. Maybe it would help if you write down your spending habits for a week or so, and watch where the outflow occurs most often.

I can admit to having urges like a pregnant woman for pickles and ice cream in the middle of the night (so the men tell me).
It is a bad habit at the root of some of this, and I know how to nip it by replacing those thoughts with something more constructive.

Good luck and may you discover your root weaknesses and overcome them!

Carole

 

[NotWorthy]

So, perhaps I should start tithing as I should. Even if it’s just a little bit. Maybe that will allow my faith in God to grow and I won’t feel the need to always have to be in control.

Scout :tiphat:

The tithing part sounds good. I suggest starting with a small amount, and each year, maybe as a Lenten devotion, upping the percentage point until you get to your goal. If you fall short of your goal, always remember, tithing is money and service. You can make up for the financial shortfall with some work around the parish. What you may find is that even as you increase your financial gifts, you’ll also probably increase your service work as well.

And, oh yes, God does reward us for trusting Him to provide. As mentioned, it’s nowhere close to “health and wealth”, but it is, “Trust, and I will help you get by”.

Good Luck, Scout!!!

 

[jmcrae]

I agree that I’m looking for immediate gratification-but not necessarily popularity. I don’t always buy things for the children. Most of the time it’s just impulse spending-things I see at the store while I’m shopping, running through the drive-thru instead of eating at home (which I do a lot-in fact, this is where most of my money goes). This is really sad because I hardly ever eat even half of what I buy, so it’s a total waste of money. What’s even sadder is that I know it’s a waste of money and do it anyway.

Scout :tiphat:

Okay - now we’re getting somewhere. You buy food at the drive-thru rather than eating at home, but the portions are too large so you end up throwing a lot of it away. And it’s expensive - probably $8-10.00 every time you go, right?

So, let’s break down what the advantages are to going to the drive-thru.

1. It’s quick and easy - you don’t have to figure out what to cook, and you don’t have to wait very long.
2. It’s a solo activity - you don’t have to socialize.
3. It’s convenient. You can eat in the car or else at a picnic table, or you can take it back to the office or home and eat it there.
4. The choices are basically made for you - you pick from a menu of perhaps six to eight items, but there aren’t any big decisions to make - you don’t have to decide what you want in your salad, or what spices to put in the hamburger, etc.
5. You can cheat on your diet, and nobody will know.
6. You can have whatever you want without anybody questioning your choices, or whining because they don’t feel like having that.

I’m betting that one of the above is the primary reason you go to the drive-thru. The next step is to figure out how to get that benefit, without actually going to the drive-thru and spending all that money.

 

[Scout]

The tithing part sounds good. I suggest starting with a small amount, and each year, maybe as a Lenten devotion, upping the percentage point until you get to your goal. If you fall short of your goal, always remember, tithing is money and service. You can make up for the financial shortfall with some work around the parish. What you may find is that even as you increase your financial gifts, you’ll also probably increase your service work as well.

And, oh yes, God does reward us for trusting Him to provide. As mentioned, it’s nowhere close to “health and wealth”, but it is, “Trust, and I will help you get by”.

Good Luck, Scout!!!

I understand what you’re saying about starting off with a small amount. That’s almost as difficult for me as tithing all together. I think it’s the former-Protestant in me that says that I’m supposed to give 10%. Not that it’s bad to give less than that, but that 10% is supposed to be starting point and that I’m supposed to increase from there. Somehow I feel that if I don’t give 10%, then I’m somehow cheating God and not trusting Him as I should. Of course, giving something is better than giving nothing, so starting out at less than 10% probably isn’t a bad idea, either. Or, maybe I use the 10% as an excuse not to give-saying “I can’t afford to give 10%, so I won’t give anything”.

Scout :tiphat: