Handling Picky Houseguests

[pensmama87]

My youngest sister is in college and she visits a couple times a year for a few days at a time. She has always been a picky eater, so when I know she’s coming I try to plan meals from our childhood that she likes or at least tolerates. This is generally much more expensive than the meals I normally prepare. Even so, she doesn’t eat them because I “make them wrong,” (not right brands or seasoning) and the next day I discover we’ve been raided during the night. She also makes faces at the food I make, which is rude anyway but especially so because I don’t want my children imitating it (I do not permit them to complain about food.)

I’m not sure how to go about addressing this with her. I have no idea how she behaves in other people’s homes (non-family), though her social skills are generally poor. I am the closest family to her at school and I’ve already cut back on her visits because of her expectation that I chauffeur her around (she is 21 and has made no effort to learn how to drive - and she doesn’t live in or frequent areas with public transit). I also know that hosts frequently say, “Make yourself at home,” but as a guest I’ve always assumed that’s not to be taken literally.

Thoughts?

 

[BartholomewB]

Pensmama

If you find you’ve been raided during the night, that means that your sister is eating your food after all, right? When she leaves it untouched at mealtimes she’s just pretending she’s refusing to eat it.

My suggestion would be to make no concessions at all. Tell her, “When I make special food for you, you leave it untouched, so you’ve taught me that it’s a waste of time and money.”

As for the car, “I’m not planning to go anywhere right now. Would you like me to call you a cab?”

 

[heidi_storage]

Can your sister help with food prep? She might be more willing to eat something she’s helped to make.

 

[mommy_k]

Make sandwiches.

Did you tell her that it’s an impostiton to have to drive her around with everything else you have to do? I would let her know before she gets there, so she does not expect to be driven.

She may not be driving because of the expense of a car and insurance- and that it is difficult to get to a job without a car while living in college. A catch 22. Maybe you can guide her with this issue.

 

[maryjk]

I agree with mommy k. Make sandwiches, or whatever you normally make.

Let her eat what you make or she doesn’t eat.

Don’t you have 3 children? One newborn?

She should be helping you, not you waiting on her. When I tell people to make themselves at home, that doesn’t mean to raid my fridge while I am sleeping. That means help yourself to a drink. But it also means, help yourself to the dirty dishes.

 

[1ke]

Your problem is not necessarily a picky eater, your problem seems to be something else-- social skills, spoiled sister, or some other psycho-social issue going on.

I am a picky eater, always have been. And I have lots of textural issues with certain foods. (Google “super tasters”… People with brains wired that make them more sensitive to tastes, smells, and textures of food.)

But I never act like your sister when visiting people. I make do, and try to eat something at the meal… And usually can certainly find something to eat. Unless you serve liver and onions at ever meal then I think something else is going on. I don’t expect people to do anything special for me.

 

[maryjk]

Your problem is not necessarily a picky eater, your problem seems to be something else-- social skills, spoiled sister, or some other psycho-social issue going on.

I am a picky eater, always have been. And I have lots of textural issues with certain foods. (Google “super tasters”… People with brains wired that make them more sensitive to tastes, smells, and textures of food.)

But I never act like your sister when visiting people. I make do, and try to eat something at the meal… And usually can certainly find something to eat. Unless you serve liver and onions at ever meal then I think something else is going on. I don’t expect people to do anything special for me.

Good point, ke.

I am a picky eater. But for medical reasons. I have Celiac disease. Gluten will make me very sick.

But like you, I can generally find something to eat. I mean, unless pensmama87 sprinkles breadcrumbs on everything.

 

[PhiloMed]

As others have said, your problem isn’t a picky eater. I e cooked for picky eaters. I make what they want and they eat it as long as they are an adult. A four year old is different because what they love today they hate tomorrow. Your sister is acting very immature.

Instead of making the food the issue, I would have a talk with her ahead of time about her behavior in general. Your house. Your rules. She is a guest and needs to behave in a way that is acceptable in your home. It won’t be easy but it’s time someone began to teach her some manners and how to act like an adult.

 

[Memaw]

My youngest sister is in college and she visits a couple times a year for a few days at a time. She has always been a picky eater, so when I know she’s coming I try to plan meals from our childhood that she likes or at least tolerates. This is generally much more expensive than the meals I normally prepare. Even so, she doesn’t eat them because I “make them wrong,” (not right brands or seasoning) and the next day I discover we’ve been raided during the night. She also makes faces at the food I make, which is rude anyway but especially so because I don’t want my children imitating it (I do not permit them to complain about food.)

I’m not sure how to go about addressing this with her. I have no idea how she behaves in other people’s homes (non-family), though her social skills are generally poor. I am the closest family to her at school and I’ve already cut back on her visits because of her expectation that I chauffeur her around (she is 21 and has made no effort to learn how to drive - and she doesn’t live in or frequent areas with public transit). I also know that hosts frequently say, “Make yourself at home,” but as a guest I’ve always assumed that’s not to be taken literally.

Thoughts?

I wouldn’t worry about it at all, I would cook what I usually do and let the chips fall where they may. Seems your catering to her doesn’t work anyway. If she raids later, I would just casually say, "Oh my, there must be a mouse in my refrigerator! As for being her chauffeur, I would say, “Oh my, I have errands to run so you’ll just have to call a cab”. And go run some errands even if it is just to treat yourself to a cup of coffee or visit a friend. Or if you have things to do at home, just say you have laundry to do etc. and won’t have time. God Bless, Memaw

 

[Memaw]

My youngest sister is in college and she visits a couple times a year for a few days at a time. She has always been a picky eater, so when I know she’s coming I try to plan meals from our childhood that she likes or at least tolerates. This is generally much more expensive than the meals I normally prepare. Even so, she doesn’t eat them because I “make them wrong,” (not right brands or seasoning) and the next day I discover we’ve been raided during the night. She also makes faces at the food I make, which is rude anyway but especially so because I don’t want my children imitating it (I do not permit them to complain about food.)

I’m not sure how to go about addressing this with her. I have no idea how she behaves in other people’s homes (non-family), though her social skills are generally poor. I am the closest family to her at school and I’ve already cut back on her visits because of her expectation that I chauffeur her around (she is 21 and has made no effort to learn how to drive - and she doesn’t live in or frequent areas with public transit). I also know that hosts frequently say, “Make yourself at home,” but as a guest I’ve always assumed that’s not to be taken literally.

Thoughts?

I wouldn’t worry about it at all, I would cook what I usually do and let the chips fall where they may. Seems your catering to her doesn’t work anyway. If she raids later, I would just casually say, “Oh my, there must be a mouse in my refrigerator! As for being her chauffeur, I would say, " I have errands to run so you’ll just have to call a cab”. And go run some errands even if it is just to treat yourself to a cup of coffee or visit a friend. Or if you have things to do at home, just say you have laundry to do etc. and won’t have time. Lots of responsibilities with having a family as you will learn some day. God Bless, Memaw

 

[coachdennis]

My youngest sister is in college and she visits a couple times a year for a few days at a time. She has always been a picky eater, so when I know she’s coming I try to plan meals from our childhood that she likes or at least tolerates. This is generally much more expensive than the meals I normally prepare. Even so, she doesn’t eat them because I “make them wrong,” (not right brands or seasoning) and the next day I discover we’ve been raided during the night. She also makes faces at the food I make, which is rude anyway but especially so because I don’t want my children imitating it (I do not permit them to complain about food.)

I’m not sure how to go about addressing this with her. I have no idea how she behaves in other people’s homes (non-family), though her social skills are generally poor. I am the closest family to her at school and I’ve already cut back on her visits because of her expectation that I chauffeur her around (she is 21 and has made no effort to learn how to drive - and she doesn’t live in or frequent areas with public transit). I also know that hosts frequently say, “Make yourself at home,” but as a guest I’ve always assumed that’s not to be taken literally.

Thoughts?

I believe it was Benjamin Franklin who said “houseguests and fish begin to stink after three days.”

First, I see no obligation to have her at your house, period. I don’t care if she is family. She obviously does not have the social skills to interact with people and respect the rules of your house. By continually having her there and not asking for a change of behavior or disposition you are actually reinforcing her undesirable behavior. Tell her directly what actions are not acceptable and until she agrees not to engage in those behaviors she is not welcome as a guest. Don’t let her play the “family” card.

I have done this relatives and have said until THEIR name is on the mortgage they don’t get a say on the rules in the house. If they don’t like it, I announce the door works both ways. It is surprising how people change when confronted.

Since you feel obligated to have her as a guest, I would suggest the following:

Take her grocery shopping for HER food and have HER pay for it. I would have her cook her own meals as well. If she balks, then tell her she will then eat what you prepare or she needs to eat out.

Give the phone numbers of cab companies and/or Uber in your area.

I would let her know that if she cannot behave herself the way you expect your children to conduct themselves at the dinner, she will no longer eat with the family until she cannot behave like an adult.

If she complains no one likes her, explain there may be reasons for that, and kindly suggest counseling.

In short, I would make her play as unpleasant as possible so she winds up running from your house. She will hate you and curse you, but you are doing her no favors otherwise.

 

[midori]

My younger siblings would come for a visit, sleep 16 hours, wake up long enough to eat, and sleep some more… they would leave saying, “Wow! I haven’t felt this awesome in ages! I love visiting you!”

re: the chauffeuring, where is she wanting to go? Is she wanting to go without y’all? Do her visits coincide with the kids’ being out of school? If she wants to go “out”, I’d put together a group outing to a botanic garden or a museum or a library or the dollar theatre, where everyone can go as a group. Otherwise, I’d just tell her, “We’re going to be homebodies, except when it’s time to [drop off the kids at school] [get groceries] [go to church] [whatever].”

re: the food, if it was the significant other of a sibling, I’d take a more passive-aggressive approach (“Hi! I remembered you complained about the bouef bourguignon last time, so let me know if you’d rather have a pbj instead!”, but if it was a blood relation, I wouldn’t have any problems saying, “I’m sorry,” when she complains, but not making any special effort to do a special menu or offering x instead of y.

I wouldn’t go out of my way to drive her off, but I would make it clear that her behavior is not acceptable. Even though, in theory, she’s 21— she still has a lot of growing to do, and until someone outright says, “Hey, it’s rude/selfish/thoughtless when you come here and do x,” it might not occur to her that’s it’s rude/selfish/thoughtless of her to come here and do x. Tell her because you love her, and you don’t want her to make similar mistakes around people who are less forgiving.

 

[DaveBj]

There is a lot of good advice here. The bottom line is something that I have seen frequently over the decades in the Dear Abby/Ann Landers columns – Nobody can impose on you, unless you give him/her permission. The corollary is that if you don’t want the imposition, withdraw the permission.

 

[PattiDay]

You are enabling your sister’s bad behavior. What are you afraid of? Do you think your sister may break out in tears, or that she may tell you you’re mean if you expect her to act like a considerate person? Your sister needs to grow up. You can better assist her in that process by telling her ahead of her next visit that you will be cooking the things your family likes, but will happily substitute some things she likes that can be eaten by the whole family. If there’s something special that she must have, she should bring it with her. Tell her further, that your busy schedule does not allow you to drive her everywhere, so if she wants to do a lot of visiting or shopping or whatever, she needs to find someone else to drive her. If she says that she doesn’t know anyone who can drive her, well, that’s not your problem, is it? Don’t argue with her about your decisions being unreasonable or impossible, or it will turn into a circular argument with no solution. There is no reason why you should inconvenience your family to house and feed an ungrateful guest. If she gets mad and says she’s not coming to your house, tell her you’re sorry she feels that way, and that your door is always open to her if she can live within the parameters of your household. Don’t squirm or feel guilty. You’re helping her to mature, and for a 21 year old young woman, it’s high time she stopped acting like a self-centered teenager.

 

[pensmama87]

Thanks all for the advice so far.

I know I need to say something, but it’s a matter of what to say and how to say it: do I assume that she just doesn’t know appropriate guest etiquette, and so offer “big sisterly” wisdom on the subject, or do I assume that since the rudeness seems intentional (see sour faces) it is, and be a bit colder about it? The raiding of the fridge and pantry is of other items that are not being served at mealtimes. I don’t mind if she makes herself a sandwich, but I’d appreciate not having a whole carton of ice cream (which for us is a rare treat) disappear. (At our house growing up, though, we always had tons of it, and once we were grown we could have it whenever we wanted.)

My mother is also a picky eater, but when she visits she goes grocery shopping and buys her own food when she is here, and will volunteer to cook a few nights (which is great for everyone because then she eats what she likes and I get a night off. )

Re: the chauffeuring. She’s actually had multiple opportunities to learn how to drive when she goes home with my parents (who live across the country.) My mother has given up on forcing her to learn (I would have probably pushed harder five years ago, but hey, that’s not my business.) Again, I don’t know if it’s so much that she’s being bratty as it is that she just has no idea that it’s inconvenient to ask me to pick her up at 11pm after a play an hour away from where we live, just so I can drive her two hours back to school the next morning. (I was very explicit about that when she asked me - I told her I was not a hotel or cab service.) Since then I’ve been much more upfront about telling her when I can and can’t drive her, and she has contributed gas money on occasion. On this most recent visit I didn’t have to drive her here or back (again, telling her I couldn’t spend that long in the car considering I gave birth two weeks ago). She has a few friends from college who live in the general area who she can ask for rides, which is what she did this time.

She is helpful with the kids when she is here, and they adore her.

 

[EasterJoy]

She is 21, not 11. Treat her like an adult, but taking your considerable one-sided hospitality and the inappropriate way she has misused it into account, you’ve earned the right to be blunt with her.

The message is, "Sister, I am making a change in course, and I thought you deserved a fair warning before you come to visit again. At our house, the rule is ‘when in Rome, eat as the Romans do.’ You are family, and from here on out, that applies to you, too.

"We have two choices at our house at dinner time: Eat what is served or go without. If you have to have food the way Mom used to make it, I suggest you get to work on a time machine, because I don’t make it that way. If you make another face at what I put in front of you, though, I’m done cooking for you. We do not treat the cook that way at our house. I also do not want to find that you’ve been raiding my kitchen without saying a word about it to me. That is not how we operate at our house. I need to know what we have and what has been eaten, so at our house no one eats without telling me what they’ve eaten.

“You just can’t get good help these days, but especially not considering what you are willing to pay. I love you dearly, but I’ve had it with trying to please you and having my efforts treated with no consideration or appreciation. We are done with that. I do my best; if that isn’t good enough for you or if the way I run my kitchen doesn’t suit you, then stay elsewhere and provide for yourself.” If she has any actual needs tucked into her list of what she will and won’t eat, of course you recognize that you will work around that. Other than that, though, she needs to get a grip.

Your sister has abused your “make yourself at home” policy, but when it comes to her behavior anywhere else you are only the police at your house and the master of your own hospitality. She is an adult. If other people accommodate her more than you do, that is their choice. Good for them, good for her, everyone is fine. Do not presume to tell her how to behave with other people unless she asks. If she asks, see her willingness to ask you for advice as an expression of trust, a question from one adult to another, and be as gentle and as positive as you honestly can in giving your feedback. IOW, treat her with the diplomacy that an adult deserves, in that case. Make suggestions and offer possibilities, rather than giving dictates and dishing out put-downs. Most of all, though, do not hold your breath that she’ll ever ask you for advice. I highly doubt that she will.

 

[Xantippe]

My youngest sister is in college and she visits a couple times a year for a few days at a time. She has always been a picky eater, so when I know she’s coming I try to plan meals from our childhood that she likes or at least tolerates. This is generally much more expensive than the meals I normally prepare. Even so, she doesn’t eat them because I “make them wrong,” (not right brands or seasoning) and the next day I discover we’ve been raided during the night. She also makes faces at the food I make, which is rude anyway but especially so because I don’t want my children imitating it (I do not permit them to complain about food.)

I’m not sure how to go about addressing this with her. I have no idea how she behaves in other people’s homes (non-family), though her social skills are generally poor. I am the closest family to her at school and I’ve already cut back on her visits because of her expectation that I chauffeur her around (she is 21 and has made no effort to learn how to drive - and she doesn’t live in or frequent areas with public transit). I also know that hosts frequently say, “Make yourself at home,” but as a guest I’ve always assumed that’s not to be taken literally.

Thoughts?

Sis sounds like she may have some special needs that did not get appropriately addressed–I wonder if she may have some sensory issues.

Be firm and kind. Just cook your usual meals. If she complains, tell her, “Let’s sit down and plan some meals together this evening. It would be great if you could cook a dinner or two! We’ll go shopping for groceries tomorrow and let’s pick a night for you to cook.” (I strongly suspect sis will order pizza on her night.)

Prepare for a smoking crater in your budget from shopping with sis, but she doesn’t visit that often, and there’s only so many fronts you can fight on at once.

With regard to driving, plan your outings the night before with an eye to your convenience. "I am taking the kids to the playground tomorrow morning. Do you want to join us or should I drop you off somewhere and pick you up on the way back?

She’s probably slightly better behaved with non-family.

Good luck!

 

[Xantippe]

Let her eat what you make or she doesn’t eat.

Don’t you have 3 children? One newborn?

She should be helping you, not you waiting on her.

Right. Also, feel free to ask her to do stuff. “Could you play trains with Tobit and Polycarp while I take baby for a change? Thanks!”

 

[EasterJoy]

Sis sounds like she may have some special needs that did not get appropriately addressed–I wonder if she may have some sensory issues.

Be firm and kind. Just cook your usual meals. If she complains, tell her, “Let’s sit down and plan some meals together this evening. It would be great if you could cook a dinner or two! We’ll go shopping for groceries tomorrow and let’s pick a night for you to cook.” (I strongly suspect sis will order pizza on her night.)

Prepare for a smoking crater in your budget from shopping with sis, but she doesn’t visit that often, and there’s only so many fronts you can fight on at once.

With regard to driving, plan your outings the night before with an eye to your convenience. "I am taking the kids to the playground tomorrow morning. Do you want to join us or should I drop you off somewhere and pick you up on the way back?

She’s probably slightly better behaved with non-family.

Good luck!

With the making faces? With the expectation that her sister’s time and menu revolves around her when she visits? With the insistence that the seasoning and branding choices need to suit her? With no apologies for the trouble she causes? No. Occam’s Razor says she is used to being catered to and thinks it is OK to get what she wants by being rude with her sister, not that she has any “sensory issues.”

Her sensory issue is that she is utterly tone-deaf to the need to show her sister and her family the same consideration due to any hosts.

 

[Xantippe]

The raiding of the fridge and pantry is of other items that are not being served at mealtimes. I don’t mind if she makes herself a sandwich, but I’d appreciate not having a whole carton of ice cream (which for us is a rare treat) disappear. (At our house growing up, though, we always had tons of it, and once we were grown we could have it whenever we wanted.)

She is helpful with the kids when she is here, and they adore her.

I just caught up to here.

It’s great she’s good with the kids–that covers a multitude of sins.

The ice cream thing is worrisome in conjunction with the non-eating at meals.

Do you think sis has an eating disorder?