Handling the family peacemaker

[DarkLight]

This is a common problem. You have one family member who’s just difficult and if given half a chance will walk all over you. And you finally stand up to them - maybe nothing much, even something as simple as “we don’t need to go over this again.” Predictably they explode in whatever fashion they are prone to. Especially if you haven’t stood up to them much before it’s a shock to everyone.

Now, that’s not the real hard part. The hard part is the peacemaker afterwards. This may be someone you have a very good relationship with. But whatever it is they just want to restore the peace, and they do this by appealing to you to be the reasonable one. Let it go, let the difficult person have their way (no matter how unfair this may be to you). They may have stories in their head from what the difficult individual told them, stories that make you look much worse than what actually happened - like the difficult person may say you got upset or walked out without warning when they simply failed to heed the warnings.

Assuming this is someone you otherwise respect, how do you handle this person?

 

[on_the_hill]

You stand up for yourself. Explain your side of it, say you have been patient and turned the other cheek long enough, but you cannot continue to allow yourself to be pushed around. You present yourself as a reasonable, calm, balanced, mature character to the peacemaker.

You tell the peacemaker that you respect his/her position in the situation, you hope it can be resolved, but you can no longer continue to be the one who extends the olive branch to your own detriment.

Then you calmly remove yourself from the situation and go about your business.

 

[Rico_S]

This is completely situation specific. Sometimes small sacrifices are worth the peace bought…sometimes they aren’t. And often a 3rd party can give us a little better perspective, since when we are in the middle of a heated disagreement, we don’t always see the whole picture clearly.

 

[Xantippe]

I agree it is situation specific. Sometimes others have given me good advice when I have lost my temper and I was wrong, other times they have stuck their nose in where it wasn’t wanted.

Either way I would give as little detail to the peacemaker as possible. I do not recommend telling your side of the story, because in my experience this has just prolonged the discussion and the drama.

A simple “Thank you I appreciate your concerns/thoughts…Thank you I know you really care I will think about that…Thank you I will pray about that.” is sufficient. I think the peacemaker just wants affirmation for some reason? Some people really feel compelled to do this and won’t back down until they feel some sort of success level has been reached. If you tell them thank you and you will take it to prayer that might be enough?

God bless.

Another possible is, “This is between me and Difficult Person, Grandma/Auntie/Sis/Whoever. We need to work it out as best as we can by ourselves.”

 

[DarkLight]

I agree it is situation specific. Sometimes others have given me good advice when I have lost my temper and I was wrong, other times they have stuck their nose in where it wasn’t wanted.

Either way I would give as little detail to the peacemaker as possible. I do not recommend telling your side of the story, because in my experience this has just prolonged the discussion and the drama.

A simple “Thank you I appreciate your concerns/thoughts…Thank you I know you really care I will think about that…Thank you I will pray about that.” is sufficient. I think the peacemaker just wants affirmation for some reason? Some people really feel compelled to do this and won’t back down until they feel some sort of success level has been reached. If you tell them thank you and you will take it to prayer that might be enough?

God bless.

Usually from what I’ve seen it’s that the difficult person is upset and goes crying to the peacemaker about how hurt they are and they can’t believe you did that and won’t the peacemaker do something?

I’ve been having this with my mother and father - I really appreciate my father but it’s hard when every time I upset my mother he’s telling me how hurt she was and how could I do that. When I don’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong, just trying to set some appropriate boundaries. I get that she’s hurt, I feel bad that she’s hurt, but I can’t let that change my actions and still expect to stay sane. But I feel like for dad the problem to be fixed is that my mother’s upset, without any thought to what actually happened.

 

[LSK]

This is a common problem. You have one family member who’s just difficult and if given half a chance will walk all over you. And you finally stand up to them - maybe nothing much, even something as simple as “we don’t need to go over this again.” Predictably they explode in whatever fashion they are prone to. Especially if you haven’t stood up to them much before it’s a shock to everyone.

Now, that’s not the real hard part. The hard part is the peacemaker afterwards. This may be someone you have a very good relationship with. But whatever it is they just want to restore the peace, and they do this by appealing to you to be the reasonable one. Let it go, let the difficult person have their way (no matter how unfair this may be to you). They may have stories in their head from what the difficult individual told them, stories that make you look much worse than what actually happened - like the difficult person may say you got upset or walked out without warning when they simply failed to heed the warnings.

Assuming this is someone you otherwise respect, how do you handle this person?

I listen with love and respect. I thank them for their (name removed by moderator)ut. I tell them I will think about it, and pray about it but that I know that, no matter what I decide, they will understand and accept my decision. Then I ask them what they thought of the World Series and if they think the Niners will get into the playoffs or if this season is just toast after that horrible loss to the Rams.

 

[EasterJoy]

…You have one family member who’s just difficult and if given half a chance will walk all over you. And you finally stand up to them - maybe nothing much, even something as simple as “we don’t need to go over this again.” Predictably they explode in whatever fashion they are prone to. Especially if you haven’t stood up to them much before it’s a shock to everyone.

Now, that’s not the real hard part. The hard part is the peacemaker afterwards. This may be someone you have a very good relationship with. But whatever it is they just want to restore the peace, and they do this by appealing to you to be the reasonable one. Let it go, let the difficult person have their way (no matter how unfair this may be to you…

…the difficult person is upset and goes crying to the peacemaker about how hurt they are and they can’t believe you did that and won’t the peacemaker do something?

…every time I upset my mother [my father is] telling me how hurt she was and how could I do that. When I don’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong, just trying to set some appropriate boundaries. I get that she’s hurt, I feel bad that she’s hurt, but I can’t let that change my actions and still expect to stay sane. But I feel like for dad the problem to be fixed is that my mother’s upset, without any thought to what actually happened.

Don’t let the “good cop/bad cop” thing fool you. He may not realize it, but the “Peacemaker” is not making peace. He is trying to enforce the status quo. Do not buy it.

First of all, I might stop saying “I get that she is hurt.” You didn’t lower the boom in some shocking manner. You only resorted to the least violent means you had to convince her that you were not going to be intimidated. She is “hurt” because she has the unrealistic and unjust expectation that the world in general and your family’s world in particular revolve around what she wants. She is “hurt” because you wouldn’t back down.

If you set a boundary, she crosses it, she gets the shock of finding that her violation of your boundaries have gained some natural consequences now that you are old enough to defend yourself, and she runs to your father to get him to re-set the old situation where she violated your boundaries with impunity, of course she going to be upset. The question is whether her shock is a reason to go back to the old way of doing things.

I might try this. First, point out how the situation went, and what you did in order to convince her before you imposed your boundaries that you really meant it. Show that you did everything you could to resolve the matter in a peaceful way, to no avail. Point out that when peaceful people make your mother’s mistakes, and it comes to this, offer their own apology about the misunderstanding. They say, “I don’t like the way you did this, but I understand that I crossed a boundary, too. Let’s start this conversation over.” Then the two parties mend fences, the kind of fences that make good neighbors.

Then try saying something like this:

“I get it that Mom finds this new situation where I am a grown up who doesn’t allow her to do whatever she wants to be something difficult for her. When she had all the authority, she could be as unfair as she wanted, and no one stopped her. I get that she doesn’t want things to change, so she goes to you in the hopes that you’ll help her defend the old way of doing things. Nothing could be more predictable!”

“What I do not get is why you help her to do that. You admit that what she’s doing to me is wrong, that she is treating me unfairly. You wouldn’t expect anyone to accept the treatment I’m getting. So why did you just stand by and let her do it? Why have you never protected me, the person being wronged, instead of protecting her, the person doing the wrong? More to the point, now that I am old enough to put a stop to this myself, why are you trying to stop me? If you could stand back and watch her do as she pleased, why don’t you at least give me that courtesy? You are afraid she’ll be hurt and angry because I won’t let her treat me in an unfair manner. Why aren’t you afraid that I will be hurt and angry because she’s treating me badly and you not only do nothing to stop it but even try to talk me out of defending myself?”

“I get that she is difficult, and hard to be around when she is crossed. Fine. Don’t cross her. Just do not try to stop me when I stand up to her. Someone needs to stand up to her, and if it has to be me, so be it. If you aren’t going to help me, at least don’t make it harder for me. If you just let this go and don’t encourage her to think it shouldn’t change, maybe she’ll get used to the new normal a little sooner. I hope so, because I tell you this much: I am not going back to walking on eggshells and pretending that she has no obligation to respect my boundaries. Those days are over. With my way, she may actually stop treating me so badly. By your way, she never will.”

“The next time she says I’ve done something unjust to her, then come to me and talk to me. Take her part, if I’ve done her wrong. If she’s the one being unjust, though, leave me alone and let her take her consequences for the choices she’s making. That is only fair.”

 

[DarkLight]

It’s a difficult situation, certainly. I have no doubt my mother is crying to my father and telling him to go handle things. And yes, I do think peace means keeping the status quo to him. Or rather, the way I put it, he’s used to my mother getting up and demanding things and throwing a fit about how no one respects her when she’s upset, and it’s probably a sight easier to talk to me than deal with my mother like that.

And I feel especially like my father is echoing a lot of my mother’s lines. Especially the ones about being polite and respectful and whatnot. Not that I don’t try to be that, but I’ve given up trying to meet my mother’s standards for them. I’m never going to be polite enough for her because she acts like any disagreement that isn’t so hedged as to be practically nothing is horrifically rude when it’s coming from me. I’ve concluded that there’s no way for me to reliably meet that standard so I’ve stopped trying. I’ve also decided it’s not my problem if she can’t remember boundaries until they’re enforced.

Of course, what my father ends up hearing is that I was rude to my mother and stormed off for no reason because she didn’t go along with something she doesn’t even remember me saying.

 

[EasterJoy]

It’s a difficult situation, certainly. I have no doubt my mother is crying to my father and telling him to go handle things. And yes, I do think peace means keeping the status quo to him. Or rather, the way I put it, he’s used to my mother getting up and demanding things and throwing a fit about how no one respects her when she’s upset, and it’s probably a sight easier to talk to me than deal with my mother like that.

And I feel especially like my father is echoing a lot of my mother’s lines. Especially the ones about being polite and respectful and whatnot. Not that I don’t try to be that, but I’ve given up trying to meet my mother’s standards for them. I’m never going to be polite enough for her because she acts like any disagreement that isn’t so hedged as to be practically nothing is horrifically rude when it’s coming from me. I’ve concluded that there’s no way for me to reliably meet that standard so I’ve stopped trying. I’ve also decided it’s not my problem if she can’t remember boundaries until they’re enforced.

Of course, what my father ends up hearing is that I was rude to my mother and stormed off for no reason because she didn’t go along with something she doesn’t even remember me saying.

I am going to go out on a limb and guess that your father himself cannot rein in his own wife in without suffering the same accusation. Is that true? You might ask:

“Dad, explain how you tell Mom that she is wrong or has no business asking this question or that without her feeling you have ‘disrespected’ her. I don’t think this is an issue of my failing to respect Mom. I think it is an issue of Mom not knowing the difference between being respected and being in total control.”

If he cannot tell you how to draw your boundaries and maintain control over your own life in a way that also spares your mother’s feelings, then you have your proof that this is not an issue that you can solve by a lesson in ettiquette. It can only be solved by your mother adjusting her idea of what it means to be respected. Maybe you can send him back to her, and he can try to make peace on that end, instead.

 

[DarkLight]

Actually she talks to him the way she talks to me. So yes, you are entirely correct - and I suspect he’s bothering me because otherwise she takes some of it out on him.

 

[EasterJoy]

Actually she talks to him the way she talks to me. So yes, you are entirely correct - and I suspect he’s bothering me because otherwise she takes some of it out on him.

Well, that is his choice. He ought to be defending you from her injustices, and he ought to have been doing it all these years, instead of watching her abuse you the same way she abuses him. If he can’t defend you, the least he can do is to allow you respectfully defend yourself. If he will allow you to do it, BTW, you ought to defend him, too, if she mistreats your dad in your presence.

It is not a sin to try to stop someone from sinning. You may be smart to see some tactics as “throwing pearls before swine” and making matters worse for her victims and her soul without stopping the offenses, but if you think you have some chance to stop the offenses, it is your right and sometimes your duty to try.

 

[petitfleur]

Easter Joy, I would actually pay you to be my therapist/ life coach.

This thread has been very helpful to me regarding my parenting. I hate to admit it but tell the older kids to put up with the littles too much. I need to get better involved in their squabbles in order to prevent worse problems.

Dark Light- I think EJ’s comments are priceless. Good luck.

 

[EasterJoy]

Easter Joy, I would actually pay you to be my therapist/ life coach.

This thread has been very helpful to me regarding my parenting. I hate to admit it but tell the older kids to put up with the littles too much. I need to get better involved in their squabbles in order to prevent worse problems.

Dark Light- I think EJ’s comments are priceless. Good luck.

That is funny–I learned a lot from watching kindergarten teachers!

People actually enjoy having peaceful relationships, but most people don’t know how to go about doing that. The best teachers I have seen take that attitude. When they get into a squabble between their students, they “coach” them about how to work out their own issues and to apply the classroom rules for getting along. They don’t pretend children are never going to have squabbles or imply that it takes a bad person to cross the line of pushing for one’s own interests too much. Instead, they teach that coming to a consensus that everyone can live with is better for everyone than having a situation where everyone is out for himself and upset.

When you are old and your children are running the extended family together, every bit of work you have done to help them learn to advocate for their own wants and honestly try to accommodate everyone will pay off a hundredfold. It doesn’t mean your children will always get along when they grow up–we all have tools learned in childhood that we don’t use as we were taught! It does mean they are less likely to carry the petty resentments of childhood into adulthood. That is what both the older ones and the younger ones need to realize–some day the 12 year old is going to be 52 and the 4 year old is going to be 44, and day-to-day practice of having each other’s back and caring about each other’s opinion is going to pay off when that day comes!

When my kids (twins) were six, I used to tell them, “You are just six now, but you’re going to be a man some day. A good man isn’t made in one day, when he turns a certain age. It takes learning what to do, and it takes practice. You can’t get started a day too soon. No, you start now, and when the day comes to act like a grown-up, by then you’ll actually be able to do it.”

 

[Xantippe]

That is funny–I learned a lot from watching kindergarten teachers!

People actually enjoy having peaceful relationships, but most people don’t know how to go about doing that. The best teachers I have seen take that attitude. When they get into a squabble between their students, they “coach” them about how to work out their own issues and to apply the classroom rules for getting along. They don’t pretend children are never going to have squabbles or imply that it takes a bad person to cross the line of pushing for one’s own interests too much. Instead, they teach that coming to a consensus that everyone can live with is better for everyone than having a situation where everyone is out for himself and upset.

When you are old and your children are running the extended family together, every bit of work you have done to help them learn to advocate for their own wants and honestly try to accommodate everyone will pay off a hundredfold. It doesn’t mean your children will always get along when they grow up–we all have tools learned in childhood that we don’t use as we were taught! It does mean they are less likely to carry the petty resentments of childhood into adulthood. That is what both the older ones and the younger ones need to realize–some day the 12 year old is going to be 52 and the 4 year old is going to be 44, and day-to-day practice of having each other’s back and caring about each other’s opinion is going to pay off when that day comes!

When my kids (twins) were six, I used to tell them, “You are just six now, but you’re going to be a man some day. A good man isn’t made in one day, when he turns a certain age. It takes learning what to do, and it takes practice. You can’t get started a day too soon. No, you start now, and when the day comes to act like a grown-up, by then you’ll actually be able to do it.”

Awwww.

 

[DarkLight]

The frustration with families like mine is that it seems like the pressure to make peace is put all on one person. There’s a lot of little things I notice - like I have to be extra careful not to say anything rude or offensive to my mother, but I also am expected not to be too “controlling” by asking her not to speak to me in certain ways. But when there’s a conflict I feel like my mother’s feelings and thoughts are treated as unequivocally valid, whereas my frustrations and feelings are met with things like well, you have to understand, it’s hard for her.

It also feels like I still get treated as though I were a child running to daddy to complain “mommy’s not being fair” to try to get out of punishment. Even as a child that frustrated me, because it often seemed like there was no way to actually, genuinely express that I didn’t feel like I was being treated fairly or appropriately, without being punished more for it. But it still feels like I’m the child - even with the extended family - and my mother, the adult, is therefore right and I’m wrong.