Hanging by a string

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How does one deal with dh who sees the negative about the world around him? He does not have a single nice word to say about me. Dh treats me like an enemy who ruined any possibility of him achieving success because he didn’t have a career or college degree when we married.

He’s not sympathetic with any struggle I deal with (homeschooling 5 kids, dealing with bills, maintaining the home, etc). No words of encouragement or loving words. I don’t go to him for any love and support. I get it from our kids. I don’t feel valued by him at all.

I’ve asked him to go to Retrouvaille, but he refuses to go because it’s a waste of time. We attended a weekend. over a decade ago and I felt closer to him because it forced us to talk about our feelings and say nice things TO each other. But at present he continues to dig in his heels.

Yet, with female coworker, whether subordinate or superior, he will easily tell them how much he needs them and how he values them. Once going so far as telling them he “misses them like the deserts miss the rain” when he doesn’t have them working for him on their day off (he’s a supervisor).

Needless to say, I have no outward loving feelings towards him and dread having to be intimate with him when I feel so unloved and unaccepted by him.

We’ve gone to counseling which has not worked. He knows how I feel yet he chooses to sweep it under the rug and go about life as if I never said anything. He must think that if I don’t constantly mention how we need help, then I must be happy and our problems can be ignored.

Could this be where God wants me for the rest of my life?
I’m so lonely and miserable in this marriage.

Peace.
+JMJ+
 
Sorry for what you are going through. 😦

Do you have any outside support, another adult you can talk to?

Praying for you.
 
The only person I could confide in is my mother and I don’t want to have her feel differently towards him, so I don’t tell her my problems.

I live in my own Purgatory and live life day to day. Living in prayer and trying not to let it consume me.

Peace.

+JMJ+
 
I’m not sure if you started a thread to vent or get opinions, but we know you may end up with a host of opinions, being it’s a message board. So just be prepared for all angles.

A few thoughts -

Hang in there, there is typically a hill on the other side of a valley.

If marriage was easy, it wouldn’t be a sacrament and there wouldn’t be grace for us sinners to get through it.
Code: 
Internet lingo question for anyone - I can usually figure out acronyms, but dh - 
da husband? damn husband?
Might need to try a different strategy.

We do get into our routines and it is easy to overlook each other in getting through the days.

Key item you recognize - you realize something has to change.

Sometimes stating the obvious helps start down a new path, like ‘hey, we are looking past each other all day for too many days in a row, new strategy time - dinner out tonight, no phones’.

Then take him to a place with no TV’s.

Now I’m not sure if that strategy would work, if you’ve been through this for a while, like you said - dug in, so -

Or a possible start might be considering 'What can I try that might move his attention over here?"

A good strategy to build a bridge, especially with guys, is food. Now that’s not food and a discussion at the same time.

Let the food work a bit…

Make him something he really likes to eat when he is not expecting it (while watching a game perhaps) and he will come back with a ‘why?’ Which is a softball answer for you ‘because I love you’ (remember love is action, not emotion, we love in doing) and after he can’t ignore a ‘thank you’.

Then he won’t be able to get that act of Love from you out of his head, it will linger, he will soften.

It might need a couple rounds, but surprise favorite food out of wanting to love softens up the hardest folks.

(this is beside the point that he doesn’t see that you taking care of the kids and house as you loving him, which it is, but he needs to be shaken to help him see)

Then a discussion might be fruitful.

Seeing all you don’t like about him is not going to bring him around to seeing what you want him to see in you.

Strategy change time.

I hope you guys come back to seeing eye to eye soon, God Bless!
 
So sorry for your difficulties. I will pray for your family.

In any relationship the only person we can work on is ourselves. If he won’t go, find a Catholic (or at least Christian) marriage counselor and begin doing what it is you need for peace. In most relationships experiencing difficulty half the problems belong to each partner. I would guess that as you change, you will find he changes as well.

May you have strength during this time.
 
In addition to the other suggestions others have posted… Get help for yourself- talk to a priest and counselor (without him) who can work with you on coping skills, confidence, communication and strategies to help make you stronger. Make time to treat yourself regularly. The only person you can change is yourself. You need to see the value in yourself, even if he doesn’t express it.

You mention dreading intimacy. If you haven’t already, learn natural family planning. When avoiding pregnancy, it makes men step up during the fertile times to “court” a woman and he starts to understand her more. If you don’t feel comfortable, it’s ok to not be physically intimate with him.

Regarding college and his view of success: it was his choice. He still can obtain a degree. That’s his issue he needs to work out.

Also, check out The Five Love Languages if you haven’t already. It sounds like your love language is words of affirmation. Find out what his is and show that to him. He eventually may reciprocate, but you may have to spell out that how you feel loved and appreciated is through words of affirmation (not his love language).

I don’t know if he realizes this, but his comments to his subordinates are inappropriate. Constructive appreciation is appropriate, but the “deserts miss the rain” is a bit out there. If the comments go further, he could lose his job or be subject to a lawsuit. You could state that you feel uncomfortable with his comments as they are misdirected at the wrong women. Also, not being accusatory but saying you may be afraid of it developing into something more (even if it’s emotional, not a full-blown affair) and wanting to protect your marriage, nipping it in the bud.

And, of course, lots of prayer and utilize the sacraments frequently. Turn to saints who have encountered similar difficulties, i.e., St Rita.
 
In the past, I had changed myself to be the model wife with every aspect I had control of. What ended up happening was that I lost myself trying to be perfect for him, he was texting and hiding very friendly messages to a female coworker, and he didn’t reciprocate with being loving or sensitive to my needs.

I was so hurt and heartbroken. I’ve been down that path with no improvement in our marriage. He says if I wanted to be a stay at home mom then I should do everything required of me on the homefront.

So I’m just doing what I signed up to do. I now live for my kids and don’t live to try to please him. Not right, but that’s what life looks like right now.

Peace.

+JMJ+
 
jmj777 said:
The only person I could confide in is my mother and I don’t want to have her feel differently towards him, so I don’t tell her my problems.

I live in my own Purgatory and live life day to day. Living in prayer and trying not to let it consume me.

Peace.

+JMJ+
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You may want to confide more in your mother.

Chances are, she may already have suspicions about your marriage and your husband.

The added stresses that you are coping with can’t be good for your health and it wouldn’t do your children any good if something happens to their mother.

You don’t have to go through this alone.

Still praying for you.
 
Until your husband takes responsibility for his own decisions & stops blaming you, your marriage isn’t going to get any better.

Talk about this with your priest and/or a Catholic counselor.
 
Bonnie said:
Until your husband takes responsibility for his own decisions & stops blaming you, your marriage isn’t going to get any better.

Talk about this with your priest and/or a Catholic counselor.
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Agree.
 
jmj777 said:
In the past, I had changed myself to be the model wife with every aspect I had control of. What ended up happening was that I lost myself trying to be perfect for him, he was texting and hiding very friendly messages to a female coworker, and he didn’t reciprocate with being loving or sensitive to my needs.

I was so hurt and heartbroken. I’ve been down that path with no improvement in our marriage. He says if I wanted to be a stay at home mom then I should do everything required of me on the homefront.

So I’m just doing what I signed up to do. I now live for my kids and don’t live to try to please him. Not right, but that’s what life looks like right now.

Peace.

+JMJ+
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Well, just remember (similar to an above post), his sins are not your sins.

He got married too and he’s going to be the responsible party for how he lives his married life.

Keep praying with your children. God Bless!
 
DH = dear husband
DS Dear son, and so forth

My first (late) husband was like you describe, OP.
The WORST thin you can do is pretend like everything is hunky dory.

I’ll never forget…a policeman who came to the house said “Do you have any friends, where you and the girls can stay the night?” I said, yeah, I have lots of friends. His shocked response was “well then WHY do they let you live this way?”
I didn’t ever tell them.
Tell someone. Even if you have to tell strangers at a women’s support group.
I’ll pray for you.
 
jmj777 said:
In the past, I had changed myself to be the model wife with every aspect I had control of. What ended up happening was that I lost myself trying to be perfect for him, he was texting and hiding very friendly messages to a female coworker, and he didn’t reciprocate with being loving or sensitive to my needs.
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In addition to seeking help from a priest or counselor, I’d recommend you read Dr. James Dobson’s book, Love Must Be Tough. Hopefully your husband has not ever committed physical adultery, but he has certainly been unfaithful to you by giving other women affirmation and attention that he refuses to give to you.
 
ToeInTheWater said:
In addition to seeking help from a priest or counselor, I’d recommend you read Dr. James Dobson’s book, Love Must Be Tough. Hopefully your husband has not ever committed physical adultery, but he has certainly been unfaithful to you by giving other women affirmation and attention that he refuses to give to you.
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Right. Gather evidence, and prepare yourself.
I hate to sound like there’s no hope, but he has to want to change, and it sounds like he’s getting affirmation from others,so there’s no pressure to change.
Your kids are seeing how he treats you.
Remember that, and get help.
 
I feel so badly for your situation, your pain is palpable in your post.

It’s obvious that you love your husband and that you want the marriage to work but he is not pulling his part emotionally or spiritually with you. You cannot change him or his behavior. The only thing you are in control of is yourself and your own reactions. In all situations, be kind to him and loving. Speak to him in a straightforward way and tell him how you feel. Just gently say, “I love you and I need you to help me more in our marriage. We have a history and a family that we have created together and I am feeling taken for granted. I miss you like the desert misses the rain.” Maybe that will help get the point across.

If he refuses to work on the marriage or even try to treat you with loving kindness, then it is time for you to go to individual counseling and consider a separation. God does not intend for us to live suppressed or depressed. We are created in His own image and He wants only the best for us. Don’t doubt that He will move mountains but we have to be willing to help by using a shovel sometimes. Your life is so valuable!

The sad fact is that some people will never appreciate your presence, they will only realize what they had when you are absent.

Prayers going up.
 
I don’t have advice for you and your husband. But how is everything else?

How is your health 6 months postpartum? Homeschooling 4 children while caring for a baby sounds incredibly hard and stressful! I also note that you’ve moved fairly recently, and so are not near previous friends. Do you have a local coop or mom’s group? Does your parish have any social opportunities? Do you have any hobbies or non-child activities to do? Could you afford mom’s day out for one or more of your kids occasionally? What could you do to alleviate some of your domestic burdens–more crockpot meals, assigning more chores to your older children, anything?

None of this will be a panacea, of course. But looking for ways you can take care of yourself, or enlisting others to help take care of you, might help life to seem less awful and stressful.
 
pianistclare said:
DH = dear husband
DS Dear son, and so forth

My first (late) husband was like you describe, OP.
The WORST thin you can do is pretend like everything is hunky dory.

I’ll never forget…a policeman who came to the house said “Do you have any friends, where you and the girls can stay the night?” I said, yeah, I have lots of friends. His shocked response was “well then WHY do they let you live this way?”
I didn’t ever tell them.
Tell someone. Even if you have to tell strangers at a women’s support group.
I’ll pray for you.
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Thanks for the acronym help.

There’s a strategy change. Marriage doesn’t mean ‘under same roof’.

It’s a hard conclusion - to understand the need to pull away from the known situation.

It’s quite possible that the words the OP takes from the DH (I would pick my second D), are actually abuse.

A possible strategy change to consider is to be open to telling her story to the police, or priest about possibly going to civil authorities.

If there is abuse, hopefully it gets recognized and action is taken.

Prayers!
 
ChurchSoldier said:
So sorry for your difficulties. I will pray for your family.

In any relationship the only person we can work on is ourselves. If he won’t go, find a Catholic (or at least Christian) marriage counselor and begin doing what it is you need for peace. In most relationships experiencing difficulty half the problems belong to each partner. I would guess that as you change, you will find he changes as well.

May you have strength during this time.
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Totally agree with this post. So important for you to get support and assistance for yourself - either from a Priest, Catholic/Christian counselor, and/or women’s support group, both for your own sake and that of your dear children. You shouldn’t have to live like this. Hugs, prayers, and strength heading your way. St. Monica can be an excellent intercessor in times like this as well. She walked a similar path. Our Lord’s peace always to you.
 
jmj777 said:
How does one deal with dh who sees the negative about the world around him? He does not have a single nice word to say about me. Dh treats me like an enemy who ruined any possibility of him achieving success because he didn’t have a career or college degree when we married.

He’s not sympathetic with any struggle I deal with (homeschooling 5 kids, dealing with bills, maintaining the home, etc). No words of encouragement or loving words. I don’t go to him for any love and support. I get it from our kids. I don’t feel valued by him at all.

I’ve asked him to go to Retrouvaille, but he refuses to go because it’s a waste of time. We attended a weekend. over a decade ago and I felt closer to him because it forced us to talk about our feelings and say nice things TO each other. But at present he continues to dig in his heels.

Yet, with female coworker, whether subordinate or superior, he will easily tell them how much he needs them and how he values them. Once going so far as telling them he “misses them like the deserts miss the rain” when he doesn’t have them working for him on their day off (he’s a supervisor).

Needless to say, I have no outward loving feelings towards him and dread having to be intimate with him when I feel so unloved and unaccepted by him.

We’ve gone to counseling which has not worked. He knows how I feel yet he chooses to sweep it under the rug and go about life as if I never said anything. He must think that if I don’t constantly mention how we need help, then I must be happy and our problems can be ignored.

Could this be where God wants me for the rest of my life?
I’m so lonely and miserable in this marriage.

Peace.
+JMJ+
Click to expand...
Was it always like this? If not, when and how did things change?

If so, why were you attracted to him in the first place?
 
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