Hanging on

[loonie]

I’ve been Catholic for about 7 years and for the first 3 of those years I was a devout Catholic. My faith waned right after my spouse became disabled and our life was transformed into a mere shard of what it was before. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not here to blame my “falling away” on my problems and am not looking for sympathy. Blame rests entirely on my shoulders, I turned from God on my own accord.
What I really need is some advice from those who’ve been through it and know the best way to put my faith back on track. The endless trips to the reconciliation room just served to make me feel more guilty when I eventually blew the chance of redemption again. When your in my state of despair, you try to reason with yourself that the church has instilled this guilt in you for more devious reasons, and that the guilt shouldn’t be the driving force in your religious life. This all works toward trying to convince oneself to release what perceived hold the church has on me, but I know that my feelings of Christs presence in the beginning of my Catholic journey were something truly enlightening.
Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

 

[pentecostbaby]

It seems like you’re dealing with:

• sins that are hard to break
• trips to Confession for them (on the right track!)
• further guilt when you commit them again
• despair that you can amend your life
• despair cycling into “why bother?”

That’s a terrible, terrible place to be, especially considering your hardships. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, much less going through it without the knowledge of God’s constant presence and love.

This is the best advice I can give you: pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet. In the 1930s, Jesus appeared many times to a Polish nun named St. Faustina. He told her all about how much He aches to hold us close to His heart, how infinite His mercy is, and how He can help us in all our troubles. I know - this sounds sort of Hallmark-cardy, in the sense that we often perceive it to be too good to be true - especially if (like you) we’ve been through some pretty hard times and felt very alienated from God. But Pope John Paul II canonized St. Faustina; he endorsed the Divine Mercy chaplet and novena, AND he re-instituted the Feast of Divine Mercy on the day after Easter.

The most important message is this: nothing is too great for God to forgive; God yearns to forgive you more than your human mind can comprehend; and all that Jesus asks is that we trust Him in all things (the way His mother did).

The chaplet’s really easy to say, and it doesn’t take long. Jesus promised unimaginable graces to even the most hardened sinners, if they would recite it but once. I can tell you from experience that meditating on His mercy and love, trusting that He will help you, has wrought many, many graces for me. Dpn’t get me wrong - this isn’t like “say the magic words and everything will get fixed”. But tell Jesus, like a little child telling his mother, everything that’s happened. Trust He will heal you. If you’re having trouble trusting, beg him to help you . He will.

So try the chaplet a few times. I will remember you in my prayers. I hope everything gets better and that you find your way back to Jesus’ Mercy and love.

 

[Trishie]

Loonie, it is very hard when your spouse becomes in any way disabled, loses livelihood and even purpose. You have to give up so much, including any inheritance for your children. In our case we also lost our home and have no hope of ever having our own house again.

And to some extent you are a prisoner, of the disability and its consequences.

It was my husband who lost his faith. I already had been going to Daily Mass for years, and this, and the time I’m able to spend with the Blessed Sacrament, is the mainstay of my life.

Your husband may need much more care than mine whose wants and needs are simple, and he’s not overly keen on spending much time with anyone, me included.

Whatever your husband’s disability, it does impact very personally, and you make no complaint, you simple ask advice and prayer that you’ll deepen in your relationship with God.

Loonie, every single little thing you do for your husband is a gift of love to Jesus (Matthew 25:40). You are living a more Christlike life than you give yourself credit for. You are better than you think you are.

God bless you…warmly, Trishie

 

[Trishie]

“If you aspire to serve the Lord,
prepare yourself for an ordeal.
Be sincere of heart, be steadfast,
and do not be alarmed when disaster comes.

Cling to Him and do not leave him,
so that you may be honoured at the end of your days.
Whatever happens to you, accept it,
and in the uncertainties of your humble state, be patient,
since gold is tested in the fire,
and chosen persons in the furnace of humiliation.

Trust Him and He will uphold you,
follow a straight path and hope in Him.
You, who fear the Lord, wait for His mercy;
do not turn aside in case you fall.
You who fear the Lord, trust Him,
and you will not be baulked of your reward.
You who fear the Lord hope for good things,
for everlasting happiness and mercy…

For the Lord is compassionate and merciful…
Those who fear the Lord do not distain His words,
and those who love Him keep His ways…
Those who fear the Lord keep their hearts prepared
and humble themselves in His presence…
for as His majesty is, so too is His mercy.” [Ecclesiasticus.2, 1-9, 11, 15, 17-18]

“All the works of the Lord are good
and He will supply every want in due time.
You must not say, ‘This is worse than that’,
For everything will prove its value in due time.
So now, sing with all your heart and voice
And bless the name of the Lord.” [Ecclesiasticus 39:12-35]

“Gladness of heart gives life…console your heart, chase sorrow far away: for sorrow has been the ruin of many…and worry brings premature old age.” [Ecclesiasticus 30 22-24]

 

[Cluny]

The endless trips to the reconciliation room just served to make me feel more guilty when I eventually blew the chance of redemption again.

---

As long as you’re alive, you have NEVER blown your chance for redemption.

That’s nothing but the Devil making you think you have.

 

[loonie]

Thank you for your replies. I should elaborate a little. I am a husband and a father My wife and I have 5 kids, with her being disabled, the onus has beeen put on me to basically become a single father. This is something can deal with because God has given me an incredible gift to be able to deal with this hardship. the thing that has suffered is my faith and that incredible sense of spirituality that we once had.
I used to say that this was my “dark night of the soul”, and felt it would pass as long as I kept going to reconciliation. it’s just that after awhile, it just feels like I’m going through the motions. “Maybe” became a catchword for me. “Maybe” I just need to force myself to go to church, “Maybe” I need to pray more,“Maybe” I need to take a break and reboot my faith. Nothing seemed to work. I will never look to another church. I know that this is the one faith, which you would think it would be a no-brainer to reconcile.
Thank you for your words of encouragement Trishie and your PM Cluny. I will try the chaplet, thank you pentecostbaby. My grandmother always says " If you aren’t going to heaven then there’s probably no hope for me". I know I have a good heart (I know this sounds egotistical), but at the end of the day, I’m the one who has to step up and being a good person isn’t enough.Again thank you for your replies.

 

[xAlisonx]

l o o n i e.
please know that i am so sorry beyond words, loonie, for all that you have been through and are going through now. i can relate to you in that for a very long time i struggled with extremely deep guilt and despair, after turning completely away from God for two and a half broken years, but at the time i was living in mortal sin and was making no effort to grow closer to God. i’m afraid that i have never been through exactly what you have, and so i can’t really think of any advice that i can give you, but i hope and pray that my advice to you when dealing with this suffering will help you in at least some small way, and offer you some encouragement.

please know that the fact that you have suffered so deeply shows that God has given you a cross as a sign of His deep Love and affection for you that will endure forever, and is so much deeper than you could ever imagine or comprehend. i’m so sorry that you have suffered so much, but please remember that God has given this cross to you not to hurt you, but because He loves you, and wants so much to strengthen you, purify you and bring you close to Himself in Love. there is so much hope and healing available through Him for those who are suffering, and in this post, while i don’t have any specific advice i really know to give you, i hope and pray that i can encourage you and give you hope for the same healing in your life.

Jesus once said to me: "Do you know, daughter, for what reason I send crosses to souls dear to me? I desire to possess their souls, entirely, and for this I surround them with crosses, and I enclose them in sufferings and tribulation, that they may not escape from my hands; and for this I scatter thorns, that souls may fasten their affections upon no one, but find all content in Me alone. My daughter, if you do not feel the cross it cannot be called a cross. Be sure that under the cross you will not be lost. The demon has no strength against those souls who for My love groan under the cross. 0 My daughter, how many would have abandoned Me if they had not been crucified. The cross is a gift too precious, and from it come many virtues."
I prayed then to Jesus that He would not concede to me any grace except that of loving Him very much, and Jesus said: “Oh soul dear to me, if you truly love Me, behold My chalice; you can drink it to the last drop. On this chalice I have placed My lips, and I want you to drink it.” I told Jesus to do with me as He would. And then He said to me: "I have sent this cross to you, you do not appreciate it; rather it is contrary to your desire, but the more it is contrary, the more it is like Mine. Would it not seem to you a dreadful thing to see a father in the midst of sorrow and the children enjoying themselves? When I shall be your Spouse of blood, I will come to you, but crucified; show your love to me as I have shown it toward you, and do you know how? By suffering, pains, and crosses without number. You ought, therefore, to consider yourself honored, if I lead you on paths hard and painful; if I permit that you be tor*mented by the demon, that the world despise you, that persons most dear to you afflict you, and with daily martyrdom, I permit your soul to be purified and tested. And you, daughter, think only of practicing great virtue; run in the path of the Divine Will, humbled, assured, that if I hold you to the cross, I love you."

Epistemes who first posted it, so if you’d like to know the source, please ask him. ]

 

[xAlisonx]

***The Goodness of God. ***
The mercy of God, hidden in the Blessed Sacrament, the voice of the Lord who speaks to us from the throne of mercy: **Come to Me, all of you. **

Conversation of the Merciful God with a Sinful Soul.
Jesus: Be not afraid of your Savior, O sinful soul. I make the first move to come to you, for I know that by yourself you are unable to lift yourself to me. Child, do not run away from your Father; be willing to talk openly with Your God of mercy who wants to speak words of pardon and lavish his graces on you. How dear your soul is to Me! I have inscribed your name upon My hand; you are engraved as a deep wound in My Heart.

Soul: Lord I hear Your voice calling me to turn back from the path of sin, but I have neither the strength nor the courage to do so.

Jesus: I am your strength, I will help you in the struggle.

Soul: Lord I recognize Your holiness and I fear You.

Jesus: **My child, do you fear the God of mercy? My holiness does not prevent Me from being merciful. Behold. for you I have established a throne of mercy on earth - the tabernacle - and from this throne I desire to enter into your heart. I am not surrounded by a retinue of guards. You can come to Me at any moment, at any time; I want to speak to you and desire to grant you grace. **

Soul: Lord, I doubt that You will pardon my numerous sins; my misery fills me with fright.

Jesus: **My mercy is greater than your sins and those of the entire World. Who can measure the extent of my goodness? For you I descended from heaven to earth; for you I allowed Myself to be nailed to the Cross; for you I let My Sacred Heart be pierced with a lance, thus opening wide the source of mercy for you. Come then, with trust to draw graces from this fountain. I never reject a contrite heart. Your misery has disappeared in the depths of My mercy. Do not argue with Me about your wretchedness. You will give me pleasure if you hand over to Me all your troubles and griefs. I shall heap upon you the treasures of My grace. **

Soul: You have conquered, O Lord, my stony heart with Your goodness. In trust and humility I approach the tribunal of Your mercy, where You yourself absolve me by the hand of your representative. O Lord, I feel Your grace and Your peace filling my poor soul. I feel overwhelmed by Your mercy, O Lord. You forgive me, which is more than I dared to hope for or could imagine. Your goodness surpasses all my desires. And now, filled with gratitude for so many graces, I invite You to my heart. I wandered, like a prodigal child gone astray; but You did not cease to be my Father. Increase Your mercy toward me, for You see how weak I am.

Jesus: **Child, speak no more of your misery; it is already forgotten. Listen, My child, to what I desire to tell you. Come close to My wounds and draw from the Fountain of Life whatever your heart desires. Drink copiously from the Fountain of Life and you will not weary on your journey. Look at the splendors of My mercy and do not fear the enemies of your salvation. Glorify My mercy. **

 

[xAlisonx]

***Conversation of the Merciful God with a Despairing Soul. ***

Jesus: O soul steeped in darkness, do not despair. All is not yet lost. Come and confide in your God, who is love and mercy.

But the soul, deaf even to this appeal, wraps itself in darkness.

Jesus calls out again: My child, listen to the voice of your merciful Father.

In the soul arises this reply, “For me there is no mercy,” and it falls into greater darkness, a despair which is a foretaste of hell and makes it unable to draw near to God.

Jesus calls to the souls a third time, but the soul remains deaf and blind, hardened and despairing. Then the mercy of God begins to exert itself, and, without any co-operation from the soul, God grants it final grace. If this too is spurned, God will leave the soul in this self chosen disposition for eternity. This grace emerges from the merciful Heart of Jesus and gives the soul a special light by means of which the soul begins to understand God’s effort; but conversion depends on its own will. The soul knows that this, for her, is final grace and, should it show even a flicker of good will, the mercy of God will accomplish the rest.

**My omnipotent mercy is active here. Happy the soul that takes advantage of this grace. **

Jesus: What joy fills My Heart when you return to Me. Because you are weak, I take you in My arms and carry you to the home of My Father.

Soul: (as if awakening, asks fearfully): Is it possible that there is yet mercy for me?

Jesus: **There is, My child. You have a special claim on My mercy. Let it act in your poor soul; let the rays of grace enter your soul; they bring with them light, warmth, and life. **

Soul: But fear fills me at the thought of my sins, and this terrible fear moves me to doubt Your goodness.

Jesus: **My child, all your sins have not wounded My Heart as painfully as your present lack of trust does - that after so many efforts of My love and mercy, you should still doubt My goodness. **

Soul: O Lord, save me yourself, for I perish. Be my Savior. O Lord, I am unable to say anything more; my pitiful heart is torn asunder; but You, O Lord…

Jesus does not let the soul finish but, raising it from the ground, from the depths of its misery, he leads it into the recesses of His Heart where all its sins disappear instantly, consumed by the flames of love.

Jesus: **Here, soul, are all the treasures of My Heart. Take everything you need from it. **

Soul: O Lord, I am inundated with Your grace. I sense that a new life has entered into me and, above all, I feel Your love in my heart. That is enough for me. O Lord, I will glorify the omnipotence of Your mercy for all eternity. Encouraged by Your goodness, I will confide to You all the sorrows of my heart.

Jesus: Tell Me all, My child, hide nothing from Me because My loving Heart, the Heart of Your Best Friend is listening to you.

Soul: O Lord, now I see all my ingratitude and Your goodness. You were pursuing me with Your grace, while I was frustrating Your benevolence. I see that I deserve the depths of hell for spurning Your graces.

Jesus (interrupting): **Do not be absorbed in your misery - you are still too weak to speak of it - but, rather, gaze on My Heart filled with goodness, and be imbued with My sentiments. Strive for meekness and humility; be merciful to others, as I am to you; and, when you feel your strength failing, if you come to the fountain of mercy to fortify your soul, you will not grow weary on your journey. **

Soul: Now I understand Your mercy, which protects me and like a brilliant star, leads me into the home of my Father, protecting me from all the horrors of hell that I have deserved, not once, but a thousand times. O Lord, eternity will hardly suffice for me to give due praise to Your unfathomable mercy and Your compassion for me.

 

[xAlisonx]

***Conversation of the Merciful God with a Suffering Soul. ***

Jesus: **Poor soul, I see that you suffer much and that you so not have even the strength to converse with me. So I will speak to you. Even though your sufferings were very great, do not lose heart or give in to despondency. But tell Me, My child, who has dared to wound your heart? Tell Me about everything, be sincere in dealing with Me, reveal all the wounds of your heart. I will heal them, and your suffering will become a source of your sanctification. **

Soul: Lord, my sufferings are so great and numerous and have lasted so long that I become discouraged.

Jesus: My child, do not be discouraged. I know your boundless trust in Me; I know you are aware of My goodness and mercy. Let us talk in detail about everything that weighs so heavily upon your heart.

Soul: There are so many different things that I do not know what to speak about first, nor how to express it.

Jesus: **Talk to Me simply, as a friend to a friend. Tell Me now, My child, what hinders you from advancing in holiness? **

Soul: Poor health detains me on the way to holiness. I cannot fulfill my duties. I am as useless as an extra wheel on a wagon. I cannot mortify myself or fast to any extent, as the saints did. Further more, nobody believes I am sick, so that mental pain is added to those of the body, and I am often humiliated. Jesus, how can anyone become holy in such circumstances?

Jesus: **True, My child, all that is painful. But there is no way to heaven except the way of the cross. I followed it first. You must learn that it is the shortest and surest way. **

Soul: Lord, there is another obstacle on the road to holiness. Because I am faithful to You, I am persecuted and suffer much.

Jesus: **It is because you are not of this world that the world hates you. First it persecuted Me. Persecution is a sign that you are following in My footsteps faithfully. **

Soul: My Lord, I am also discouraged because neither my superiors nor my confessor understand my interior trials. A darkness clouds my mind. How can I advance? All this discourages me from striving for the heights of sanctity.

Jesus: **Well, My child, this time you have told Me a great deal. I realize how painful it is not to be understood, and especially by those whom one loves and with whom one has been very open. But suffice it is to know that I understand all your troubles and misery. I am pleased by the deep faith you have, despite everything, in My representatives. Learn from this that no one will understand a soul entirely - that is beyond human ability. Therefore, I have remained on earth to comfort your aching heart and to fortify your soul, so that you will not falter on the way. You say that a dense darkness is obscuring your mind. But why, at such times, do you not come to Me, the light who can in an instant pour into your soul more understanding about holiness than can be found in any books? No confessor is capable of teaching and enlightening a soul this way.

Know, too, that the darkness about which you complain I first endured in the Garden of Olives when My Soul was crushed in mortal anguish. I am giving you a share in those sufferings because of My special love for you and in view of the high degree of holiness I am intending for you in heaven. A suffering soul is closest to My Heart. **

Soul: One more thing, Lord. What should I do when I am ignored and rejected by people, especially by those on whom I had a right to count in times of greatest need?

Jesus: **My child, make the resolution never to rely on people. Entrust yourself completely to My will saying, “Not as I want, but according to Your will, O God, let it be done unto me.” These words, spoken from the depths of one’s heart, can raise a soul to the summit of sanctity in a short time. In such a soul I delight. Such a soul gives Me glory. Such a soul fills heaven with the fragrance of her virtue. But understand that the strength by which you bear suffering comes from frequent Communions. So approach this fountain of mercy often, to draw with the vessel of trust whatever you need. **

Soul: Thank You, Lord, for Your goodness in remaining with us in this exile as the God of mercy and blessing us with the radiance of Your compassion and goodness. It is through the light of Your mercy that I have come to understand how much You love me.

from St. Faustina’s Diary, **Divine Mercy in my Soul, which you can read here: [saint-faustina.com/Diary/DMIMS1.shtml]

 

[xAlisonx]

There are no crown bearers in Heaven that were not cross bearers on earth. –Spurgeon
If you love, you will suffer, and if you do not love, you do not know the meaning of a Christian life. –Agatha Christie
The deep meaning of the cross of Christ is that there is no suffering on earth that is not borne by God. –Dietrich Bonhoeffe
Courage would be impossible in a world without pain. –Lee Strobel
Christianity has always insisted that the cross we bear always precedes the crown we wear. –Martin Luther King, Jr.
If you suffer, thank God. It is a sure sign you’re alive. –Elbert Hubbard
*None of us can come to the highest maturity without enduring the summer heat of trials:

• as the sycamore fig does not ripen unless it is bruised
• as the corn does not leave the husk without threshing
• as the wheat makes no fine flour unless it is ground
  so we are of little use until we are afflicted!* –Kimber Kauffman, pastor: College Park Baptist Church, Indianapolis, IN
  Come to me O blessed trial, I need you. For you always draw me to the arms of the Saviour. –George Whitfield
  *I’ve never heard anyone say the really deep lessons of life have come in times of ease and comfort. But, I have heard many saints say every significant advance I’ve ever made in grasping in the depth of God’s love and growing deep with Him, have come through suffering. *–John Piper
  The greater the difficulty, the greater the glory. –Cicero
  What doesn’t destroy me makes me stronger. –Martin Luther King, Jr.
  I believe the hard-heartest, most cross grained and most unloving Christians in all the world are those who have not had much trouble in their life. And those that are the most sympathizing, loving and Christlike are generally those who have the most affliction. The worse thing that can happen to any of us is to have a path made too smooth. One of the greatest blessings the Lord ever gave us was a cross. –Charles Spurgeon
  Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved. –Helen Keller
  You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do. –Eleanor Roosevelt
  I had to be healed of my desire to be healed. –Joni Eareckson Tada
  Everywhere a greater joy is preceeded by a greater suffering. –St. Augustine
  Where are the marks of the cross in your life? Are there any points of identification with your Lord? Alas, too many Christians wear medals but carry no scars. –Vance Havner
  The deeper our faith, the more doubt we must endure; the deeper our hope, the more prone we are to despair; the deeper our love, the more pain its loss will bring: these are a few of the paradoxes we must hold as human beings. If we refuse to hold them in hopes of living without doubt, despair, and pain, we also find ourselves living without faith, hope, and love. –Parker Palmer, A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life
  Real faith is refined in the fires and storms of pain. –Eugene Peterson
  God uses our trials to prepare us for greater blessings. –Charles Stanley
  God cannot use mightily the man whom he has not wounded deeply. –AW Tozer

i’m so sorry, loonie, that i don’t have any specific advice that i can give you, but i hope and pray that my post was able to help and encourage you in at least some small way, and will definitely be keeping you in my constant thoughts and prayers. stay strong, stay safe and take care of yourself. God bless you!

love,
in the peace and love of Christ,
alison

 

[loonie]

Thank you xAlisonx,
That was a beautiful story and quotes.The story applied on so many levels. As it is, I’m already feeling better since I’ve started this thread. So thank you for your reply.