Happily married and still struggling from divorce

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Lifelong Catholic. 12 years ago, I went through a divorce. My ‘catholic’ ex-wife was very deceitful, cheated, abused me, and we divorced. It was very, very traumatic. 4 years later, I went through an annulment solo. It was a fruitful process in the sense that I realized that I thought I was married, but the other person lied about who she was. I realized I could have been a better husband (but that would not normally lead to divorce). I took the time to dissect why I missed crucial signs before we married. Three years after my annulment, I met a beautiful woman, dated for an extended period, and married in the Catholic church. My current wife is amazing. We have beautiful children and a strong spiritual life. She will be a saint. Here’s my challenge:

I’m still struggling with my divorce or maybe never fully overcame it. The wounds are still there. They drag me down. I don’t want my ex back. I went through counseling and therapy. She was really broken and had so many issues. The challenge though is that I was a virgin until I married her. I still feel a connection to her (b/c I did what I thought was right and didn’t play around before marriage). I struggle with the fact that memories crop up (some intimate). I feel that I don’t have as much love to give my wife. I was younger and more passionate and creative. I occasionally have anxiety in some professional situations when working with woman who are similar my ex. I’m am less outgoing than I used to be. My lack of confidence stems from the intense trauma I went through. I still miss who I used to be. And even though my wife doesn’t notice, I notice that I struggle to be the person I know I could have been for her if I wasn’t so broken once.

I would appreciate advice from people who might have had a similar situation and overcame it. I ask that you refrain from saying that I need to just let go, or get over it, or talk to a priest. I have spoken with a counselor and priest. I’m up for trying again. My head knows that this current struggle isn’t logical but my heart still has scars that feel too big.
 
Mark, I remember my sister who obtained an annulment, struggling to recover from years of hurt and abuse.
He self-confidence was broken, and her trust not easy to give.
Her second husband, for the first few years, often had to say in response to her struggle and her fears,
“… I’m not …”
I acknowledge that your wife isn’t saying that to you, so maybe you have to say it to yourself.She was a m broken person, she had been so thin and often dreadfully pale during her first marriage.

It took time, because
she was so grateful that God brought this good Catholic man into her life.

Perhaps you may need to thank God each time your past burdens drag on you.

And yes, if did happen. That woman who was a shadow of herself for 20 years of difficult marriage,
and she is the most vibrant, giving, happy, generous person one could hope to meet.

So please don’t allow yourself to be mired in the wounds of the past.

Try to lift yourself into gratitude as often as possible.
 
Blessings,
PTSD… you brought her your innocence and joy. Essentially, you were rejected. Your rethinking the situation. If I did this, would it have been better…What did I do wrong?? I’m sure there is fear of failing this time. You may not have grieved for your first marriage. Divorce is on a Death scale of stress. My feelings are: the solution for PTSD is cry! Mourn your loss. You did all you could do. Her behavior came from issues within herself. You bought a package and didn’t really look inside the box. Forgive her and yourself. You have a wonderful wife now. You inferred your romance is different b/c of age?? It’s probably a trust issue. Will I fail her? I hope not. You didn’t fail first wife.
He who the Son sets free is free indeed.
Share w your second wife??? I don’t know. Some could help heal. Some would get wounded. I hear divorced ppl think of failed marriage and relive things in their mind.,The memories are colored more favorably.,
You can stop these thoughts. You are given Self Comtrol from Holy Spirit.

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.
So, every time your negative thoughts pop up, quote that scripture. Philippians 4:8.
If you spoke vows at wedding 2. That you both made-read them, again.
Read Ephesians 5 or 6. Husbands treat your wives, etc.
ABBA, you have a sweet child here, who is still hurting. Heal him. By Your stripes, he is healed.
He was an innocent that Satan wounded through his first wife. Give him closure. Help him to let it go. Have his new family be filled w goodness and confidence. In Jesus name.
Amen.
 
Although I have not been in your situation, I can relate to not being able to get over past hurts. It can be a REAL struggle to let something go. Which is why it is so infuriating when someone tells us to ‘let it go’

I wish I could offer some words of wisdom, but this is where the real challenge of our faith comes in. To keep seeking His will and to trust His timing is appropriate
 
I had a somewhat similar situation - failed first marriage (eventually annulled) successful second marriage but still had thoughts about my first for many years into it.

The passage of time made those memories less compelling to me, but I don’t think it took me twelve years.

You might try more talk therapy, but here’s a possibly cheesy suggestion - try aversion therapy.

Put a moderately tight rubber band around your wrist and whenever you find yourself dwelling on your first marriage, give yourself a very sharp snap with the rubber band. The theory is that your subconscious will associate those thoughts with physical pain and stop presenting them to your conscious mind.
 
Was your first wife your first love as well? I haven’t had an annulment or even been married before (so you can ignore literally everything I’m saying lol), but I have been in some serious relationships and know that breaking up with your first love, especially when there is sex involved, is incredibly difficult. The first time you are in love the feelings are more intense, especially when you are younger. Sex bonds you to people in a way that is meant for marriage, so when you leave that marriage I imagine its very difficult. I think you should try to firmly remember that what you are feeling is probably more of a biological reaction to being bonded that way with someone first than you actually loving your first wife more.

When these feelings come up, focus on your wife, go out on dates, remember that a balanced, mature and well thought out love is better than a passionate but terrible ‘love’. I’m sorry I don’t have better advice. It might help if you found someone on this site who has been in a similar situation and you can share experiences.

Edit: I feel for you. Giving someone your vulnerability and having them ruin it is so hard. Prayers for you.
 
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I think, for the most part it is normal to feel like part of you was lost, to not be fully living to your full potential. Sexual relationships join us that way, we do become one, whether in a right, legitimate, healthy way or not.
You lost your past, your hopes, your trust and even your future (as you had envisioned it) with that person.

You have a lot of rebuilding still ahead. Your heart and mind are post “war-zone”. I think a lot of the rebuilding can be done in prayer but even more so can be done by not dwelling on it. If you spend time praying and mentally recall your past and constantly focus on your hurts you are keeping yourself in the same place.

Act as if you were free of this, force yourself to do things that you have stopped doing. Focus your prayers, thoughts and actions on your current life and future with your new family. Do not stalk her on FB, or wonder what she’s doing, or dwell on memories , mistakes or “what ifs”. personally, I would say it’s better you don’t even pray for her until you are more detached of all that has happened. Keep everything as far from the mind as possible so as for it to be further from your heart. Once you refind yourself, you may be able revisit and analyze things in a more objective light without renewing the pain.

Pray for yourself, for your family and keep your gaze ahead of you.
 
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