Happily pregnant, but the in-laws won't be

[Tay]

Hi, I’m pretty new to Catholic Answers having just re-discovered my account recently. My husband and I need some advice. Or maybe we just need insight on what other Catholic couples would do in this scenario. We recently found out we are pregnant with #3. We weren’t actively trying, but being open to God’s will through NFP, it was still quite unexpected with how all of the numbers, temps, etc were going. Anyway, we were first in shock and now very excited our next little bundle of joy. In the meantime, we have only shared the news with my parents and sister. When we were pregnant with my first (just 3 months after we got married), my husband called to tell his mom and she sat in silence/shock on the phone for an entire minute before saying it would take some time for her to digest the information. He then called his brother (who had been trying to have children for a year and his wife had recently miscarried) who was also in shock but admittedly jealous. When we became pregnant with our second, also unexpectedly with a 5 month old, my husband once again called his mother and her response was “you know they have remedies for that.” She is Catholic, I mean, she would tell you that she is. He then told his brother, who at that time, had his first child, so he seemed happier the second go around. This time around, my husband and I looked at each other and agreed we would have to keep the information from his family for as long as possible. We don’t see them very often anyway, but we feel very protective of this pregnancy, especially because there will be so many who disapprove. We are striving to live our Catholic faith as best as we know how, we wish his family could be more respectful of that. What would you do? Anybody?

 

[Kelfa28]

Hi, I’m pretty new to Catholic Answers having just re-discovered my account recently. My husband and I need some advice. Or maybe we just need insight on what other Catholic couples would do in this scenario. We recently found out we are pregnant with #3. We weren’t actively trying, but being open to God’s will through NFP, it was still quite unexpected with how all of the numbers, temps, etc were going. Anyway, we were first in shock and now very excited our next little bundle of joy. In the meantime, we have only shared the news with my parents and sister. When we were pregnant with my first (just 3 months after we got married), my husband called to tell his mom and she sat in silence/shock on the phone for an entire minute before saying it would take some time for her to digest the information. He then called his brother (who had been trying to have children for a year and his wife had recently miscarried) who was also in shock but admittedly jealous. When we became pregnant with our second, also unexpectedly with a 5 month old, my husband once again called his mother and her response was “you know they have remedies for that.” She is Catholic, I mean, she would tell you that she is. He then told his brother, who at that time, had his first child, so he seemed happier the second go around. This time around, my husband and I looked at each other and agreed we would have to keep the information from his family for as long as possible. We don’t see them very often anyway, but we feel very protective of this pregnancy, especially because there will be so many who disapprove. We are striving to live our Catholic faith as best as we know how, we wish his family could be more respectful of that. What would you do? Anybody?

Congrats on the new pregnancy! How exciting!

I suppose if I were you I would keep the pregnancy to yourselves for a little while…I’m not sure how far along you are but at least the first trimester.

You aren’t obligated to tell them you are pregnant.
If they ask why you haven’t told them…you can be honest but charitable and say “well, you weren’t entirely receptive of my first two pregnancies.”

I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that these are your children and not theirs. Meaning…it doesn’t really matter what they say about your family because it’s your family.

You could simply call and let them know you are excited to say you are expecting your third child. If they have rude comments…say “I’m sorry you feel that way but this is our decision and not yours but you are very welcome to come and enjoy your grandchildren.”

Good luck and congratulations and God Bless!

 

[faithfully]

Your MIL… wow… there really aren’t words for that. Perhaps when you announce to her, you state it in a way that your just informing her as she’ll notice your belly soon enough. Hey mom, your past reactions suggest that for some reason you won’t be happy with this information. And we’d appreciate if you could curb any negativity. But here goes anyway… we’re VERY happy, excited, thrilled to tell you we’re expecting #3. Heck, maybe leave it on a VM, so you don’t have to hear her response, and tell her to call you when she’s processed it, and is finally excited. Just ouch… I’ve been there with such mean comments.

Your BIL, I sort of get his initial response to baby #1. Having suffered infertility for 7 years, and 1 miscarriage, I can tell you it’s hard to be happy for people who put forth no more effort than a few minutes. Not that you aren’t ultimately happy for them. But the “why not me” easily sets in when you are literally feeling tortured by failure.

I actually declined attendance to a handful of babyshowers in that period. I didn’t want to take away from someones amazing day. But I didn’t have it in me to sit and eeew and aahhh at clothes for a baby I so dearly wanted. Sometimes people have to take care of their own hurts before they can attend to the happiness of another.

Regardless. REJOICE! Congratz. What a wonderful little blessing.

 

[Regina_Love]

Hi, I’m pretty new to Catholic Answers having just re-discovered my account recently. My husband and I need some advice. Or maybe we just need insight on what other Catholic couples would do in this scenario. We recently found out we are pregnant with #3. We weren’t actively trying, but being open to God’s will through NFP, it was still quite unexpected with how all of the numbers, temps, etc were going. Anyway, we were first in shock and now very excited our next little bundle of joy. In the meantime, we have only shared the news with my parents and sister. When we were pregnant with my first (just 3 months after we got married), my husband called to tell his mom and she sat in silence/shock on the phone for an entire minute before saying it would take some time for her to digest the information. He then called his brother (who had been trying to have children for a year and his wife had recently miscarried) who was also in shock but admittedly jealous. When we became pregnant with our second, also unexpectedly with a 5 month old, my husband once again called his mother and her response was “you know they have remedies for that.” She is Catholic, I mean, she would tell you that she is. He then told his brother, who at that time, had his first child, so he seemed happier the second go around. This time around, my husband and I looked at each other and agreed we would have to keep the information from his family for as long as possible. We don’t see them very often anyway, but we feel very protective of this pregnancy, especially because there will be so many who disapprove. We are striving to live our Catholic faith as best as we know how, we wish his family could be more respectful of that. What would you do? Anybody?

I would give MIL the time & space to process her own emotions, before she speaks to you. I would write MIL a card saying;

"GOOD NEWS! We are expecting a baby, and are very excited about it! If you have negative feelings, or thoughts about this, please don’t share them with us as they are hurtful. We do hope in time that you will be happy about our new baby. We invite you to share in our Joy!

We Love you,…(have every sign, and include artwork from other children, or pictures)

CONGRATULATIONS! what a blessing for you all.

 

[kwortham]

It doesn’t get any easier with the sixth child and with the extended family on both sides being protestant. I am forever hearing from my family, and at work, “You know that there are things you can do to prevent that.” Sometimes, I make the take a step back by saying, “So, you are saying that we should get an abortion?!” However, it is not a joking matter, so I don’t frequently say this.

 

[Julia_Mae]

What would you do? Anybody?

Send 'em a note. They must have “we’re expecting” cards these days.

When I called my father to tell him I was expecting he said,“Oh, no!”

Which isn’t as bad as “they have remedies for that…” I suppose.

Congrats, BTW!

 

[Allegra]

Let her know by sending her a cute announcement in the mail. Then she has time to compose herself before she says something rude.

 

[hodgewyfe]

When you do tell your in-laws, whether it’s by note or verbally, I wouldn’t make mention of their previous negative responses. (That may make them feel defensive.) Just say how happy and excited you are to tell them the news. If you are asked why you didn’t tell them sooner, just say that you were waiting to make sure that everything was going okay.

–C.B.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Tell her you have some good news. Share it. When she responds horribly just say: “I’m sorry you feel that way but this is a very special time for us and if you can’t share in our joy then there will have to be some distance between us.”

 

[PattiDay]

Pray for your MIL. Her response is insensitive at best. Your pregnancy doesn’t need to be shared immediately, but I would tell your in-laws prior to announcing it generally, so they don’t hear it from someone else. Perhaps they don’t deserve this consideration, but be generous anyway.

 

[robwar]

Hi, I’m pretty new to Catholic Answers having just re-discovered my account recently. My husband and I need some advice. Or maybe we just need insight on what other Catholic couples would do in this scenario. We recently found out we are pregnant with #3. We weren’t actively trying, but being open to God’s will through NFP, it was still quite unexpected with how all of the numbers, temps, etc were going. Anyway, we were first in shock and now very excited our next little bundle of joy. In the meantime, we have only shared the news with my parents and sister. When we were pregnant with my first (just 3 months after we got married), my husband called to tell his mom and she sat in silence/shock on the phone for an entire minute before saying it would take some time for her to digest the information. He then called his brother (who had been trying to have children for a year and his wife had recently miscarried) who was also in shock but admittedly jealous. When we became pregnant with our second, also unexpectedly with a 5 month old, my husband once again called his mother and her response was “you know they have remedies for that.” She is Catholic, I mean, she would tell you that she is. He then told his brother, who at that time, had his first child, so he seemed happier the second go around. This time around, my husband and I looked at each other and agreed we would have to keep the information from his family for as long as possible. We don’t see them very often anyway, but we feel very protective of this pregnancy, especially because there will be so many who disapprove. We are striving to live our Catholic faith as best as we know how, we wish his family could be more respectful of that. What would you do? Anybody?

Don’t worry about what they think and say. if they can’t be happy for you then really that’s their problem not yours. I am very happy for you and may you pregnancy go well and you have a healthy baby. You don’t live and practice your faith for them but for God. In the end, they loose out. don’t sweat the small stuff and God Bless your growing family!

 

[EasterJoy]

I think it would be a good idea for your husband to deliver the news to his parents. Let him be free to pass on those parts of the conversation he feels are fit to pass on and let him feel free to be as honest with them as he sees fit. If his parent(s) blurt something out that was not well-considered but otherwise do not criticize your decision to be open to another child, consider yourselves ahead of the game. Many parents do not bite their tongues so well.

It would be better for you spiritually if you do not form any adverse opinions about your in-laws’ responses, or any knee-jerk reactions that are less than polite. Better to give them credit for having concern about you and the big job of parenting as the reason for any comments that seem to lack in the support department than to be guilty of rash judgment yourselves by assigning lesser motives to their reactions. And again: if they are only impolite on the spur-of-the-moment when they are surprised by a situation in your family, let that go. Most of us have said something rash when we get unexpected news. The measure you measure out with will be measured back to you, so be as generous as you can over what you are free to see as isolated incidents.

 

[Windmill]

I like the cute note ideas. It gives her space and allows her to process the reality.

 

[tabycat]

I’d try the cute card/note, One ‘bad’ thing about the VM, whoever gets the VM may just call right after getting before cooling down. I have no kids of my own, but I remember my Mom saying that when my Grandfather was told that my perents were expecting, he told them he already know.

 

[mdleagedguy]

Speaking from experience, if people are going to disapprove of your pregnancy there is probably little you can do to alter that fact. You can frame the issue in a positive manner in ways that others have already suggested, but if they are determined to be negative about it they’re just going to be that way. I sympathize with you. We have eight, and my in-laws strongly disapprove of that. In fact, my sister in-law made comments about them “enabling us”, and stopped visiting. My wife’s father and step-mother have not visited us in years, and when we stopped by with the three youngest whom they had never seen they suddenly had to be someplace else and couldn’t visit. Delaying announcing that you are pregnant will not change that, although it will put off the hurtful comments for a time.

We had a friend who didn’t tell anyone at all, not even her doctor, when she was pregnant with her eighth child at 47 until she was in her eighth month. She wore baggy clothes to hide it from everyone, including her employer. She was happy with doing it that way. My wife and I, on the other hand, can’t wait to tell everyone when we’re going to have a baby. This has made it awkward at times because we have also had multiple miscarriages. Everyone is different. You’re the mother. Do it how you prefer.

I find that a bit of humor helps. When people question the size of my family, I tell people I’m an evil genius bent on taking over the world, and I need lots of minions to assist me. Or I tell them “Yeah, I know but my wife just can’t keep her hands off me.” There’s all sorts of humorous ways to brush it off, and it lets people know that you’re not going to take your family size as seriously, or as negatively as they are taking it without being confrontational.

Perhaps you can do something fun like mailing a card made with the ultrasound photo, and a message like “I can’t wait to meet you!”, and sign it “New Baby (last name)”, or even the full name if you know the sex and have a name picked out. Who could get mad at that?

 

[KCT]

IMO, you owe them a phone call, but you are under no obligation to put up with any sort of rant on their part. End the phone call when negative comments start…

“We wanted to share the joyful news, but someone’s at the door, talk to you soon!”

 

[BeeSweet]

If you’re joyful, don’t let anyone steal your joy away from you! If they can’t be happy that you’re happy, then their feelings are more about them than they are about you. Such feelings can’t be helped, so don’t let them bother you.

 

[Petergee]

Yep, the anti-child mentality of some people is astonishing, even those whom we love and think that we know so well.

When our third child was born, my sister added a note to the “Congratulations on your new baby” card she sent, telling us to “stop having children now!”

In the end you just have to say to yourselves, well itr’s not our responsibility to fix HER mental problem, even though her expression of it is very hurtful to us.

 

[Ms_Manners]

IMO, you owe them a phone call, but you are under no obligation to put up with any sort of rant on their part. End the phone call when negative comments start…

“We wanted to share the joyful news, but someone’s at the door, talk to you soon!”

I’d probably go a step further, I wouldn’t tell them that I have to go for some other reason, I’d explain that a baby isn’t something you need a “remedy” for, but great news, especially since the parents are so happy about the news, and that negativity wasn’t welcome and wouldn’t be tolerated, especially if repeated.
Even in a bad situation (health, financial or some other concerns), just spewing out such comments is not constructive and helps no one, not even the person saying them.
A friend had a way of answering such people, I think I already mentioned it somewhere, she’d say something like “Oh, don’t say that, the baby might hear!”

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Tell her you have some good news. Share it. When she responds horribly just say: “I’m sorry you feel that way but this is a very special time for us and if you can’t share in our joy then there will have to be some distance between us.”

I’d second this. A big part of why we don’t see a large portion of my extended, ostensibly Catholic family is their disgust with and animosity toward us for having “too many” children. We’ve heard plenty of comments about needing one or both of us to get fixed, seen Facebook comments where they tell friends my wife needs to start having abortions, etc. I don’t see a reason to keep that sort of influence in your life.