Happily single but hurt by friend's comment

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cecilia97

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Hello CAFers!

I’m having some trouble dealing with something recently said by a friend.

I’m female, in my late 30s, was once married. Although my first marriage was not sacramental and the Church considers me free to marry, I don’t feel a calling to the married life. In fact, I would rather make a promise of celibacy but I don’t have the diocesan means to do that at this time.

My life is full. I have a rewarding profession that allows me to serve others. I have nieces and nephews with whom I am close. I have a brother, aging parents whom I hope to care for in the future, and a good group of Catholic friends. I’m active in my parish. Like everyone, my life has ups and downs but I am blessed.

I’m “Auntie” to several friends’ kids…one close friend in particular. Her children mean the world to me and I’d do anything for them. This friend has graciously invited me into her family.

Everything’s great, right? Well…someone recently said that I don’t have “a family of my own” and I’m deeply hurt. I DO have a family “of my own.” I have parents. I wasn’t hatched from a pod! I have a blood sibling. I have nephews. I have grandparents, ancestors, cousins, second cousins… I’m hurt by the attitude that a person doesn’t have her “own” family until she has offspring. What if I adopt or foster a child one day? Would that count?

I’m not trying to start another “is there a single vocation?” thread. I am wondering if other contented single folks can relate and offer me some succor for my somewhat broken heart. I thought this person respected me but now I feel like I don’t count to her. I feel excluded, even though I know I serve an important role in many lives and my “family” - own or not - is very important to me. In fact, I thought this person was family to me.

😦
 
Is this the mother of the kids you are so close to, or another friend?

It was not a well-thought out thing for the person to say, but I doubt they meant it the way you are taking it. Normally when that is said about a single person, it means just that…they are single with no children, not that they have NO biological family.

I can understand how it was insensitive to you, though. If the person is a close friend, I’d talk about it with her and let her know how you feel. If she’s not a really close friend, I wouldn’t bother.
 
Well, I’m not single, but I have a brother in your spot. Your post made me stop and think about how I regard him…and I have to say that I tend to think of myself as the one who is fulfilled because I DO have a spouse, children, job, etc. I’ve racked my brain trying to recall conversations with him and hoping that I’ve never said anything so insensitive and hurtful. But, truthfully, I don’t remember if I have or not! So, while you are understandably hurt, please try to remember that people frequently say things without realizing the full impact of their comments. YOU know that your life is good and I’m betting that those who truly know and love you know this too.

Kathy
 
cecilia97 said:
Hello CAFers!

I’m having some trouble dealing with something recently said by a friend.

I’m female, in my late 30s, was once married. Although my first marriage was not sacramental and the Church considers me free to marry, I don’t feel a calling to the married life. In fact, I would rather make a promise of celibacy but I don’t have the diocesan means to do that at this time.

My life is full. I have a rewarding profession that allows me to serve others. I have nieces and nephews with whom I am close. I have a brother, aging parents whom I hope to care for in the future, and a good group of Catholic friends. I’m active in my parish. Like everyone, my life has ups and downs but I am blessed.

I’m “Auntie” to several friends’ kids…one close friend in particular. Her children mean the world to me and I’d do anything for them. This friend has graciously invited me into her family.

Everything’s great, right? Well…someone recently said that I don’t have “a family of my own” and I’m deeply hurt. I DO have a family “of my own.” I have parents. I wasn’t hatched from a pod! I have a blood sibling. I have nephews. I have grandparents, ancestors, cousins, second cousins… I’m hurt by the attitude that a person doesn’t have her “own” family until she has offspring. What if I adopt or foster a child one day? Would that count?

I’m not trying to start another “is there a single vocation?” thread. I am wondering if other contented single folks can relate and offer me some succor for my somewhat broken heart. I thought this person respected me but now I feel like I don’t count to her. I feel excluded, even though I know I serve an important role in many lives and my “family” - own or not - is very important to me. In fact, I thought this person was family to me.

😦
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Unless the person is mean spirited, I doubt they meant to hurt you.

In fact, I have found in my own extended family even how the definition of “family” changes from person to person.

For me, I consider family to be everyone I’m related to. I would do anything for my siblings, aunts/uncles, cousins, cousins’s kids, etc… But that’s not a two way street. I remember when my cousin had his first child. I was so happy, bc my cousin and I were very tight. Then, his wife’s dad made some kind of comment to my wife and I like “visiting the baby again, you need to get your own.”

After that, my whole family noticed that his wife really didn’t have time for extended family anymore. I didn’t believe it until I was invited to the Baptism. That hurt because he is the only family I have in the are, and I’m the only biological family he has in the area. But his wife didn’t want to invite me and my wife because then she would have to invite other cousins, etc.

Long story short, I’m sure they didn’t mean to hurt you; but some people do have different definitions of family.
 
While I’m sure the person didn’t intend to be hurtful, but you know what they say about the road paved with good intentions. Families come in all shapes and sizes and the faster society gets away from creating a hierarchy of families with marriage and children at the top there will always be hurt feelings and resentment. It takes a tough skin but try to remember that you do have people who love you and a fulfilling life and let that help you grow to be able to shrug off misguided comments. Also continue to pray and nurture your deep and existing relationship with God.

HTH
 
I’m single, likewise free to remarry, but I would not actually be hurt if someone said I don’t have any family of my own, because I really don’t. I have family, but they are all in the US and have all gone on with their own lives, are really busy. We’ve lost touch almost completely. So, in a sense, I might as well not have family.

If someone were to say that to me, it’d just be an accurate description of my life, but you could actually correct the person, since it’s not a good description of your life.

I agree with some of the other posts that the friend probably didn’t mean any harm by it, just was saying it from that perspective. I doubt the friend even realized what was said might offend, actually.
 
Depending on what the context of the conversation was, I don’t think I would find the phrase “family of your own” offensive in and of itself. People use that phrase to describe a spouse and children that one is directly responsible for. Saying you don’t have a “family of your own” doesn’t mean that they don’t think the rest of your family is important or that you aren’t devoted to them. Now, if the friend said something like, “You can’t possibly understand because you don’t have a family of your own,” I think that would be offensive. So, I guess it depends on the situation.
 
Thanks, all. I should have made clear, this friend is not the same friend with the kids I am so close to. Thank God. I have diapered those kids and helped them in the bathroom, at meals, clothing themselves, and gone in vacations with them. It’s a very family-life relationship I feel unworthily blessed by.

I would have gently corrected it had she said this to my face, but she said it to someone else and I heard about it (through a legitimate conversation, not gossip or tattling). I agree that she probably meant no harm, but I thought she was likeminded. I’m just surprised.

If this has helped spread some awareness of how these little well-meaning but thoughtless statements effect some of us singletons, I’m happy. Happy pod person. 😉
 
Why did one insensitive remark cause you so much distress? You have to let stuff like that roll off you, like water off a duck’s back.

Your story reminds me of an awful remark my father-in-law made once or twice. Speaking with regard to our children, all of whom we adopted, he said, in effect, that it sure would have been nice if we had had children of our own. :eek: At least the kids weren’t there to hear him! I replied that we have a fine bunch of kids, and I didn’t otherwise attempt to correct him. Just let it go and move on! But that’s easy for me to say, because I have a pretty thick skin in general.
 
Beryllos said:
Why did one insensitive remark cause you so much distress? You have to let stuff like that roll off you, like water off a duck’s back.

Your story reminds me of an awful remark my father-in-law made once or twice. Speaking with regard to our children, all of whom we adopted, he said, in effect, that it sure would have been nice if we had had children of our own. :eek: At least the kids weren’t there to hear him! I replied that we have a fine bunch of kids, and I didn’t otherwise attempt to correct him. Just let it go and move on! But that’s easy for me to say, because I have a pretty thick skin in general.
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You might be surprised at what “one insensitive remark” can do to some folks. I see it daily in my work as a psychotherapist. I’m admittedly very sensitive, but I see it as one of my strengths. A “thick skin” would be a hindrance to my profession, as useful as it can be in other settings.

It is not just this one comment, it’s a pile of these from various people over a decade. This one is just the most recent and from a person I respect a lot.
 
I’m curious as to why the comment got under your skin. Not to say you aren’t justified feeling the way you do, but I would appreciate some insight into what, in particular, you took the remark to mean. You allude to the comment suggesting you are isolated and disconnected. Is there another dimension to your interpretation?

I should add, it’s wonderful how involved you are with your extended family and friends. Children benefit so much from building a strong attachment to their whole family. If you feel fulfilled in your current arrangement, then I think you’re in good stead.
 
cecilia97 said:
You might be surprised at what “one insensitive remark” can do to some folks. I see it daily in my work as a psychotherapist. I’m admittedly very sensitive, but I see it as one of my strengths. A “thick skin” would be a hindrance to my profession, as useful as it can be in other settings.

It is not just this one comment, it’s a pile of these from various people over a decade. This one is just the most recent and from a person I respect a lot.
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While having a bit of a thicker skin in these situations helps, I think its a difference of perspective that can be so annoying, I speak as a single woman in my late 20’s who tires of people talking about and asking about when I will marry or have children.

People who married young or who have been married for a long time are usually either unaware or far removed from all the comments that single women get. I read the OP from the frame of mind that this was the one that stung because it is not the first time someone has felt comfortable to imply the OP doesn’t have a family.

Either way the other responses are correct that you somehow have to find a way to shake off comments that rub the wrong way, it will happen with well meaning friends, family members, the occasional questionable post on social media but I get that it can be pretty frustrating and even hurtful depending on who its from.
 
***2478 **To avoid rash judgment, everyone should be careful to interpret insofar as possible his neighbor’s thoughts, words, and deeds in a favorable way:

Every good Christian ought to be more ready to give a favorable interpretation to another’s statement than to condemn it. But if he cannot do so, let him ask how the other understands it. And if the latter understands it badly, let the former correct him with love. If that does not suffice, let the Christian try all suitable ways to bring the other to a correct interpretation so that he may be saved.280

280-St. Ignatius of Loyola, Spiritual Exercises, 22.*

It seems most reasonable to assume that the person who said this meant it in the most narrow way–that is, that you are free of the anxieties of the married–because of course there has to be some way to say that someone does not have the responsibility of being a spouse or the parent of a nuclear family (for instance), but has the extra flexibility to serve the Lord that comes from remaining unmarried. As St. Paul put it, “I should like you to be free of anxieties. An unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord. But a married man is anxious about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, and he is divided. An unmarried woman or a virgin is anxious about the things of the Lord, so that she may be holy in both body and spirit. A married woman, on the other hand, is anxious about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I am telling you this for your own benefit, not to impose a restraint upon you, but for the sake of propriety and adherence to the Lord without distraction… A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whomever she wishes, provided that it be in the Lord. She is more blessed, though, in my opinion, if she remains as she is, and I think that I too have the Spirit of God.” 1 Cor. 32-35, 39-40

If it seems to the OP that the friend has an improper understanding of her state in life, though, then by all means she can inquire into that person’s understanding and correct it with love if they misunderstand her state, lest the person do harm by spreading a wrong understanding of those who have chosen to remain free to serve the Lord in the way the Apostle Paul advised.

IOW, there is harm that might be prevented to others if the OP takes the trouble to see if this well-meaning person is perpetuating false ideas about those who remain single. Otherwise, such an attitude might turn someone else from the happiness they might have had by choosing the same path, and that would be too bad. If the OP thinks this is her case, then she should not feel she needs to confine herself to quiet forbearance.
 
cecilia97 said:
My life is full. I have a rewarding profession that allows me to serve others. I have nieces and nephews with whom I am close. I have a brother, aging parents whom I hope to care for in the future, and a good group of Catholic friends. I’m active in my parish. Like everyone, my life has ups and downs but I am blessed.

I’m “Auntie” to several friends’ kids…one close friend in particular. Her children mean the world to me and I’d do anything for them. This friend has graciously invited me into her family.

I DO have a family “of my own.” I have parents. I wasn’t hatched from a pod! I have a blood sibling. I have nephews. I have grandparents, ancestors, cousins, second cousins… I’m hurt by the attitude that a person doesn’t have her “own” family until she has offspring. What if I adopt or foster a child one day? Would that count?
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You should have said exactly that to the lady…and asked her what she meant by her comment and then said that you dont need or want her pity.
 
Beryllos said:
Why did one insensitive remark cause you so much distress? You have to let stuff like that roll off you, like water off a duck’s back.

Your story reminds me of an awful remark my father-in-law made once or twice. Speaking with regard to our children, all of whom we adopted, he said, in effect, that it sure would have been nice if we had had children of our own. :eek: At least the kids weren’t there to hear him! I replied that we have a fine bunch of kids, and I didn’t otherwise attempt to correct him. Just let it go and move on! But that’s easy for me to say, because I have a pretty thick skin in general.
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Oh my goodness :eek: if i was in that situation and that had been said to me ( about adopted kids )id struggle to bite my tongue…id be so offended and hurt.
 
crystal_waters said:
Oh my goodness :eek: if i was in that situation and that had been said to me ( about adopted kids )id struggle to bite my tongue…id be so offended and hurt.
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You’d have to say something, just to be sure the comment was never EVER repeated in the presence of the children. It would be good to try to put whatever good face on it that you could–to respond to the person that perhaps they really meant that they wished you could have had your precious children even back to being able to carry them yourself–but you would be duty-bound to make sure they never said any such thing to the kids, lest the children misunderstand and think not that the person wishes you yourself had the joy of pregnancy and childbirth, but that the person wishes you had different children. No one should for the slightest moment suggest that you would rather have had different children.

IOW, make a gentle and careful reply, so that you would not mind if the children did overhear it.
 
“IOW, make a gentle and careful reply, so that you would not mind if the children did overhear it.”

That’s excellent advice anytime. I’m definitely going to be thinking often about that tomorrow!
 
Yes, thank you, EasterJoy. The approach you suggested may be helpful in the future.
 
I’m pretty happily single in my 30s. I do hope to meet someone at some point and have a family, but honestly, if I don’t, I know will still have a very happy and fulfilling life. I will be happy with either path. People often make unknowingly insensitive remarks to me much like the one you experienced. I tend to disregard them and interpret from the perspective of they mean well and just didn’t convey their thoughts as well as they could have.

Just yesterday I had a friend I don’t see too often say - when are you actually going to meet someone and get married? I just responded by saying when the right person comes along, rather than make a snappy comment back. I know they didn’t mean any harm.
 
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