Happy St. Nick's Day/tough decision

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1990Domer

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Hi Everyone,

Happy St. Nick’s Day!

Thank you for the continued love and prayers you have sent my way. I did probably one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I held my ground to my mom, who I believe has a mental illness called borderline personality disorder. In past posts I have, both as 90Domer and 1990domer, commented on the toxic nature of my MIL. This was mainly because, while she was alive, we had more issues with MIL than with my mom. However, that is not to say that my mom hasn’t had her series of–I’m not sure what to call them–rages where she is totally irrational, says very mean things and then gives me the silent treatment for what could be days, weeks or months.

Well, one of her rages came last week and she called off Thanksgiving. I randomly called last Monday to see how my dad was doing (he had eye surgery yesterday) to find out that they cancelled the car service I arranged for them. My dad answered the phone and said that they weren’t coming for Thanksgiving…that my mother was sick. In the background, we started yelling that she wanted nothing to do with me and not to call her ever again. Note, this has been a pattern throughout my life. I spoke with her PCP about my concern for her, as I knew my dad had an appointment the Wed before with their PCP. I thought he would keep my info confidential, but I guess it doesn’t work that way. That enraged her more, so she took me off her HIPAA forms.

She briefly reconciled with me, after a litany of my having to listen to all the things I have done wrong in the past, including insults about my DH and his “weird ways.” She called me Friday, and I called her back. She mentioned my dad had another doctor’s appointment with the PCP (the one I called about her health concerns). I calmly told her that I didn’t want to hear this PCP’s name mentioned, as she unfairly bad mouthed me to him and it hurt me. I quickly ended the call, as I was in pain and have been in a lot of pain from spine and neck issues.

Yesterday, I told her I needed a break from them. She is still mentally unstable, and I did not want to subject my son to anything she could possibly say. So, we agreed to no phone calls and to spend Christmas alone, which was a relief to me. I feel terrible for my son, but I needed to protect him, as I cannot predict what she would say to him when she is in this state.

This was the hardest boundary I ever had to set. So, I thank you again for your prayers and support. And for reading! God bless.
 
Thank you 1ke. That means a lot. I think I feel my emergence from the dark night of the soul!
 
Praying to St. Dymphna for your Mother’s health & recovery. Continued prayers for all of your intentions. May the Holy Spirit give you continued guidance & direction in your time of need. God bless.
 
I certainly wish you and your family a peaceful advent and Christmas.

Mary.
 
God bless you…you are doing the right thing setting boundaries to protect yourself, your husband and your son from your mothers behaviour…is it just your mother who behaves like that or does your dad behave that way too?
 
Sometimes, I think the best way to honour our parents is to have little contact with them and to pray for them. This way, we don’t become occasions of sin for them and we avoid our OWN occasions of sin.

(For the record: my parents are generally lovely. FIL has some issues but we have him on low contact and this was DH’s decision that I support.)
 
crystal_waters said:
God bless you…you are doing the right thing setting boundaries to protect yourself, your husband and your son from your mothers behaviour…is it just your mother who behaves like that or does your dad behave that way too?
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Thank you for your post. My parents have been married 60+ years. My dad is so passive, he will simply remain quiet and not give my mom any pushback. So, my dad does not behave as such but will also cut me off so as to not incite my mother further. However, to outsiders, she will present things as being perfectly fine and dandy. In other words, the typical outsider would never know of her treatment to me (or my sister).

I am glad that I was strong enough to set the boundaries on my terms and not “after the fact”…in other words, after getting raged at. I’m sad because, she my mom is not in one of these episodes, she can be very pleasant. But now I am able to see when these rages are about to reach their peak, and I finally had the courage to stave it off while she wasn’t shouting insults as me or my DH. However, I woke up shaking the last two days, as I have been experiencing flashbacks to my childhood. But as each day goes by, I feel a little more secure.

Thank you for your reply!
 
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